listlessmidnight

[listlessmidnight]

I want to self harm so badly right now.

[listlessmidnight]

Maybe feeling like a failure, drunk and alone in my home that doesn’t feel like mine, but it’s where I live, will make me feel better this time. Maybe it’ll make giving up feel like a good idea again. Maybe, against all odds, I’ll feel motivated to be better. Maybe. Maybe nothing will change at all. Maybe I’ll never change despite the therapy and the steady passage of time. I think I may remain a hopeless case.

[listlessmidnight]

good things will happen 🧿

things that are meant to be will fall into place 🧿

[listlessmidnight]

podrick just stole 5$ from me???? there was cash on the coffee table and he just came up, picked up a 5 in his mouth and trotted away?????? what the fuck dude you don’t need that you don’t even know what capitalism is

[listlessmidnight]

if you’re reading this

a lump sum of money is on the way to you

[listlessmidnight]

[listlessmidnight]

so I got into grad school today with my shitty 2.8 gpa and the moral of the story is reblog those good luck posts for the love of god

[listlessmidnight]

i pray that aug, sep, oct, nov and dec are all months full of growth, blessings, productivity, new doors open and opportunities

[listlessmidnight]

R E B L O G   T H E   P I G E O N .

[listlessmidnight]

It really only takes one little thing to wreck me these days huh

[listlessmidnight]

[listlessmidnight]

Ugly, Bitter, and True by Suzanne Rivecca

[listlessmidnight]

This is the employment Steve, reblog for bountiful job opportunity.

[listlessmidnight]

this is the money garf. reblog for untold pasta and riches to come your way

[listlessmidnight]

okay, i don’t hate kids. i think they’re sort of funny. i like that you can talk to them like an adult and they’ll make sounds like they understand. i taught one kid “phosphorescence” and he looked at me and said, “they could just call it glowing if it means something that glows.” the kid undid the entire science community in one sentence.

but i hate kids.

or really, i hate how they’ve always been expected from me.

when i was five i was given “babies.” i hated the hardness of dolls, disposed of them for dramatic stories between stuffed animals. i knew how to wrap, feed, and care for a baby before i could spell my last name. when i was nine i was already “watching the kids”. i was only four years older than my cousins were. i wanted to go out and play. instead i was expected to have responsibility. by the time i was thirteen all of my friends had told me about how many children they were going to have in their twenties. 

my hips were “child-bearing” hips. my brother was a scientist, or a fireman, or a steamroller. i was going to make a good housewife, or mom, or nanny, or mom, or mom, or mom.

and when my body hurt, i was told it wasn’t really my body, not really, it belonged to my future children. i couldn’t cut or snip or tie anything; i was trapped by the potential energy that hung above me. a boulder, threatening. i couldn’t get tattoos, because what would i tell my children? i couldn’t kiss a girl, because what would i tell the children? i couldn’t be risky or wild or anything but a lady, because what about the children?

and when i said “i don’t want children” - not biologically, at least, not when cancer and depression and a whole other host of terrible things lives inside me - do you know what they said? “it’ll change, wait and see” “it’s not bad” “you’ll get used to it” “when you meet the right man” “you don’t want to be lonely”.

i don’t hate kids. i’m great with them. 

but then i’m told again that my life will be forfeit to them - something in me snaps angry. “wait until you have kids” “you should travel before you have children” “you’ll be more happy.” 

i hate kids! i’ve snarled. i don’t mean it at all. but god. please, leave me alone. i don’t want to be a biological mom. 

it’s like we’re born with a uterus and told “this is your whole life. your singular purpose. your job.” 

i want to be my own purpose. not here for the sake of passing genes on.

[listlessmidnight]

Reblog this and money will be entering your life this week

[listlessmidnight]

This is the Lucky Ace. Reblog to recieve a wad of cash that is oddly specific to your current needs.