literally-magnus-bane

[literally-magnus-bane]

Bruce loves his family desperately but he's got one mode and that's detective mode lol

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Commission Info / Kofi (members get comics a week early)

[literally-magnus-bane]

if you told me that will smith hockey was a colonial new england local historian, i would’ve choked on my tea. if you told me macklin celebrini would then suggest to him that they dress up as soldiers from opposing sides to “battle it out” while staring at will smith hockey like he was a steak dinner. i’d

[literally-magnus-bane]

Over the years, Bruce has slowly noticed, why exactly Dick's mom had nicknamed him robin. Ofcourse he was born on the first day of spring and is always flitting about, but there's more...robin-like traits that have long since cemented his original robin status

Bruce, rushing to check up on his newly adopted child, Dick, who just walked into a glass door with eyes wide open: Chum? Why did you just walk into glass?

Dick: What glass?

Bruce: I-

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Jason, watching teen, newly discowing!Dick pack up his stuff to move out: Why do you have that hoard?

Dick, shoving his collection of shiny objects, including but not limited to, pins, buttons, spoons, forks, medals and trophies, into a bag: What hoard?

Jason:

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Tim, traumatized after having seen Dick dance in front of Barbara at a ball: Why would you willingly do that? Was that a mating dance?

Dick: A what? I'm not a bird, Tim

Tim: ok

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Damian, looking disgruntled as Dick spoonfeeds him some porridge: Why must you insist on this, Richard? I am 10, not 4

Dick: But you work so hard for patrol and school everyday!

Documentary playing in the background: And the Mama Bird will feed it's chick until it is big enough to hunt on it own....

Damian: ...

Damian: Tt. Fine, you may.

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Duke, on a rare night patrol, batting Batman!Dick away after the fifth time he tried to cover him with his cape: Dude quit it

Dick: But you're vulnerable at night because of your suit!

Duke, suddenly remembering how birds will try to cover their chicks with their wings to keep them safe: I owe tim so many churros

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And also, ofcourse, the many, many times Bruce has seen them all huddling together around Dick like they actually are robin chicks huddling around a robin mama

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willmack fic where this conversation takes place

Will: I am asking for your permission to date Mack.

Aiden: What is this? The dark ages?

Aiden: You know what, since you asked, no, you can’t. Beat me in a duel first.

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Lucemond storms end Groundhog Day AU

Lucerys: Lord Borros I brought you a message—

Aemond makes a beeline for Lucerys and just bodily lifts Lucerys up and carries him out of Storm’s End onto Vhagar, ignoring Borros’ shouting.

Lucerys: Qybor???

Aemond: Stop shouting Taoba, I just want to test what would happen if I take you home.

Lucerys: Wait! I need to pass Lord Borros a —

Aemond: yes yes I know a message from your mother. You will leave and we will fight and you will die.

Aemond: Things will go REALLY bad, I have been there SO many times. I am tired and I want to see what would happen if I just take you out of the equation. Peacefully.

Lucerys: … have you become a Dreamer now?

Aemond: I wish.

Aemond: Borros will always reject your mother’s request. You will either die in the castle, or you will die under Vhagar’s jaw. Either way the dance begins. I die by Daemon’s sword or I died from poison by traitors in my brother’s court.

Aemond: I saw so many of our family suffer and I am TIRED, Taoba. I am desperate, Luke. I am willing to try anything.

Lucerys: … anything?

The Lucemonds land on Dragonstone.

Aemond: *handing Lucerys over like a cat* ok your son is here safe. Borros is a POS. Bye sister—

Lucerys: AEMOND WED ME IN FRONT OF THE BARATHEON COURT! HE IS NOW MY CONSORT!

Everybody: 🤯

Aemond: what.

Lucerys: you said you are willing to try everything. 😁

Aemond: … ok, but if the dance starts anyway and I come back I reserve the right punch you in the face.

To Aemond’s sputtering anger, the dance doesn’t start again.

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Mack and will seeing each other at camp this fall. Is it going to be awkward?

maybe? im hoping they have the kind of friendship you can easily slip back into even after being apart kinda like natejo

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Parentified older brother Jason Todd in the sense that Talia giving Damian to him in that one alternative ending of DitF

Jason: Yeah, she basically just left him with me

Dick: Oh, c’mon, it’s not like Bruce never left you with me. You used to stay at Titans tower sometimes

Jason: Bruce never let you take me with the Titans, you always did it behind his back

Dick:

Jason: You basically kidnapped me

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Jason is seen as a big, tough, brooding guy but Jason definitely insults like a poet, especially when he's just messing with everyone.

Jason and Tim arguing about who broke the Batcomputer:

Tim: You did it! We all know you did.

Jason, absolutely done with it: Listen here, you whippersnapper-

Tim:

Dick:

Bruce:

Damian, who actually broke the Batcomputer, sipping on his killer chocolate milk: Such foul language.

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holy mother of god indeed

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12 year old Jason: I have to figure out a joke to tell in class tomorrow at school

Jason: [turns to Bruce] I guess I could just bring you, B

Bruce: ...

17 year old Dick: HA! RESPECT!

[Dick and Jason high-five]

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just bruce being oblivious to his children's relationship:

——————

Dick, cuddling with Wally on the couch in the family's den, whispering 'I love yous':

Bruce: They are such good friends.

——————

Jason, bringing Roy home one day for a family dinner, hands never leaving each other the entire time:

Bruce: They are such good friends.

——————

Tim, wearing Kon's jacket, the half-Kryptonian following him everywhere he go like a lost puppy:

Bruce: They are such good friends.

——————

Cass, straddling Steph's lap and kissing her face:

Bruce: They are such good friends.

——————

Damian (18), literally getting caught making out with Jon in his room:

Bruce: They... hmmm. Are such good friends.

Duke, behind him: For fuck's sake, Bruce.

Alfred, probably, somewhere in the Manor: World's Greatest Detective my ass.

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The one where Dick has zero concept of how the average person lives

I want a fic where Dick just has absolutely no concept how the average person lives. He went from being raised in a circus to being raised in a manor by a billionaire. His concept of what is expensive and what is totally normal is completely skewed. That whole meme where someone thinks a banana costs $10? He really does think a single banana is $10. He thinks fresh fruit in general is ridiculously expensive; it's a luxury. He just thinks Alfred keeps so much of it in the manor because Bruce is rich. He'll eat a single strawberry and think, "Wow, this is the life."

At the same time, he thinks having expensive suits/clothes is totally normal. His family's circus costumes were some of the most expensive items they owned because it was essential to their act. Similarly, he thinks Bruce spends a fortune on all his suits and clothes for galas and events because it's part of being CEO of Wayne Enterprises. Their Batman and Robin costumes are expensive because it's part of their job. Clothes are super important. Doesn't everyone spend $45 on a plain T-shirt? His Gotham Academy uniform alone is stupid expensive, and that's just for school, every student wears the same thing.

He doesn't think his top of line fancy as hell cell phone is expensive because Bruce gets them through WE. They're basically free. Dick gets a new prototype phone like twice a year. Never mind that Bruce owns WE, that's irrelevant. It's an essential item in this day and age. It can't be that expensive.

So when the young justice team is hanging out at Mount Justice and Wally complains about his phone being old and not working right or not holding a charge the same anymore, Robin barely looks up from his phone and shrugs, saying in a nonchalant tone, "Dude just get a new one then."

"Oh yeah, let me just go get a brand new phone," Wally mocks, scoffing. The sarcasm goes completely over his head.

"B gets me a new phone all time. Just ask your dad, dude."

Everyone stares at him. Even Conner, who somehow knows more about things like this than Dick does. Cadmus psychic education was good for something, apparently.

When Dick looks up, he's confused about why everyone is staring at him.

"What, dude?" he asks, not understanding why Wally is making so many faces at him.

"You are so stupid sometimes," is all Wally says.

"What?" Dick asks again. Then he sits up, a frown on his face. "What's that supposed to mean!"

"It means you have no idea how a normal person lives," Wally jokes.

"That's not true!"

"It's totally true."

"Rob, dude," Wally says slowly, gently, as if Robin is a dumb little child. "Yesterday, you called M'gann outrageous for using raspberries in one of her dessert recipes."

"She used the whole container of them!" Robin defends himself, his voice getting a bit higher. "For a tart she didn't know she'd even like!"

"Robin," Wally says slowly, folding his hands, "how much do you think a box of raspberries costs?"

Robin shakes his head, looking offended.

"I dunno, but it's expensive!"

"But getting multiple new phones a year isn't?" Wally scoffs.

"They're essential!"

"A brand new phone is not essential!"

"It can't cost that much!" Robin argues. "You're so full of shit, Wally, you're just being mean to me!"

"You're literally wearing a designer jacket right now," Wally points out, tugging at Robin's jacket. Robin pulls away from him with an even more dramatic frown.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Robin whines.

"It means you're a snob," Artemis snorts.

"I am not!"

"You have a brand new WayneTech phone that only came out on the market like a month ago," Artemis tells him, "and you're wearing a jacket that's more expensive than one of my textbooks for school."

"It's a book, how expensive can it be?" Robin scrunches his nose up, not understanding the argument she's making. They go to the same school anyway (not that Artemis knows that). It's a textbook. It can't be that expensive. He remembers buying plenty of books with his parents, and his mom always encouraged him to get several at a time. The fact that they were pre-owned and came from a bin had nothing to do with it, obviously. Books are practically free. Artemis is just being annoying.

Artemis just lets out a laugh, shaking her head at him.

"Robbie, dude, my best friend," Wally laughs, sitting down on the couch next to him and wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "Who buys your clothes?"

"What does that have to do with anything?" Robin whines. When Wally pokes at him and insists he just answer the question, Robin pouts. "Agent A buys them."

"Who goes grocery shopping?"

"Agent A."

"Who pays your school fees?"

"B."

"Who pays for your phone?"

"B."

"Do you actually know how much anything costs?"

Dick blinks behind the dark sunglasses he's wearing, tilting his head at Wally. He looks around and sees how the whole team is staring at him, amusement clear on all their faces, and he frowns at all of them.

"I'm thirteen!" he whines. "I'm not supposed to pay for my own shit! You're all so mean to me!"

He pushes Wally off of him and stomps out of the room, ignoring the way they start laughing and how he hears Artemis mention something about him being spoiled. He's not spoiled. There's no way.

He ends up going back to the batcave, and he finds Bruce sitting at the batcomputer, trying to figure out the link between a recent case and an old one they'd solved months ago. Dick drags his feet the entire way over to him, groaning and whining as he drapes across Bruce's lap dramatically. Bruce just chuckles, patting Dick's back, but letting him have his dramatic moment without interruption. When Dick turns to look at Bruce with a pout on his face, Bruce just raises an eyebrow at him.

"Am I spoiled?"

Bruce chuckles again, a little smile on his face. He pinches one of Dick's cheeks and laughs when Dick whines and swats his hand away.

"Maybe a little bit," Bruce admits. "But it's fine."

"Wally says I have no idea how normal people live."

"That might be true," Bruce says with a shrug, going back to patting Dick's back. "You went from one extreme to the other. But I don't think it's anything to be concerned about."

"The team was being mean to me for it!"

"Meh," Bruce hums, not looking bothered, "fuck 'em then."

Dick snorts, and Bruce looks down to smile at him, then they both look around to make sure Alfred wasn't around to hear Bruce swear. Alfred should still be upstairs preparing dinner. They're in the clear.

"Wally's phone is old and sucks," Dick mutters to Bruce.

"I'll give one to Barry to give him," Bruce says easily.

They're both quiet for a moment, Dick still draped over Bruce's lap, Bruce still looking through old case files. Finally, Dick looks up at Bruce and asks, "B, how much does a banana cost?"

"I dunno," Bruce shrugs. "Ten bucks?"

Dick nods his head. Good, good. They're in agreement. It must be right.

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Jason: hey is it me or my room looks off?

Dick: hmmm probably Damian and Bruce arguing about it again and moving the furniture.

Jason: arguing about my room? Again?

Dick: yeah every few weeks Damian wants to move into your bedroom and Bruce wants it to stay exactly the same as it was when you lived here.

Jason: but wh-

*CRASH*

Bruce: DAMIAN GIVE ME THIS CHAIR RIGHT NOW!

Damian: I WANT THE ROOM!

Bruce: YOU ALREADY HAVE A BEDROOM.

Damian: THAT IS THE BIGGEST BEDROOM IN THE HOUSE AND I WANT IT!

Bruce: GIVE ME THE CHAIR!

Damian: HE DOESN'T EVEN LIVE HERE ANYMORE!

Bruce: I DON'T CARE!

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(Early Robin!Tim Era)

Dick & Bruce: *arguing*

Tim: *headphones on, listening to Livin’la Vida Loca, dancing around them*

Dick & Bruce: *start yelling*

Tim: *lifting one side of his headphones* Bruce, Dick is an adult, you have to give him some independence. Dick, Bruce’s love language is quality time and he thinks the only way to get that is by working together. Now shut up so I can actually hear Ricky Martin-

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Headcannon that Bruce hates when anyone cries but doesn’t know what to do about it so he just makes his kids a bowl of ice cream, awkwardly hands it to them, and hovers in a corner in the room after.

Dick used this to his advantage and now if he sees ice cream he has a Pavlov effect and tears up.

Jason rarely cried leading to him never making this connection fully.

Tim cries in his room and so Bruce cracks the door open and shoves it in then sits outside his door. Tim learned after the first three times he cried to check the floor every few minutes or else he’d have a bowl of melted ice cream because he wouldn’t notice.

Damian has no idea of this tradition. Not because he doesn’t cry, but because Bruce thinks he’d be offended if he tried.

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the JL probably stopped thinking that Batman was the greatest detective in the world like, the minute that any of the batkids started getting involved in team missions. they get to watch the Robins run circles around Bruce consistently and without hesitation and i bet they wonder how the fuck they ever thought he was untouchable.

*during a world threatening, all hands on deck emergency*

Batman: everybody understand the plan?

Flash: we’re good to go, on your word.

Batman: then lets get on with it.

Robin, picking up his katana: agreed, let us engage the enemy. and also real quick before we do, i have to tell you that i got suspended from school for two weeks for slamming another student’s head into a table. alright, lets go.

Batman, visibly doing a doubletake: -woah wait hold on, Damian-

Red Robin, scornfull: seriously B? you’re gonna get distracted and let THOUSANDS of people die, because of that little tidbit? what, and now i guess you’re gonna freak out because i got a DUI a few days ago?

Batman: YOU GOT A DUI-?

Robin: father, honestly, priorities.

Batman: i- uh-

The rest of the league, exchanging blank looks:

*massive explosion*

Batman: um- OK WE HAVE TO GO BUT WE TALK ABOUT THIS LATER-

*after the fight, ten hours later, everybody is exhausted and covered in blood and dust*

Batman, wrapping gauze around Robin’s wrist: i… feel like there was something i was going to say earlier. regarding you.

The league, watching the Robins stay completely silent:

Red Hood, without blinking: yeah old man, you promised us all that you’d buy pizza on the way back to Gotham.

Batman: …i don’t remember saying th-

Nightwing: fucking course you don’t. first you forget to tell me my little brother dies until after his funeral, now you forget to feed me. are you gonna forget to invite me over for game night, too?

Batman:

Robin: *silently making an ‘a-ok’ gesture behind Bruce’s back*

Batman: …right. yeah. that must have been it. we’ll get pizza ordered to the manor.

Superman, leaning over to Green Arrow: do you think he’ll be ok alone with them? they’re kinda mean

Green Arrow: no i knew that man in college. he brought this on himself.