littledogpoo

[littledogpoo]

mother's day

I thought it might be a good chance to talk to her like now, when she's alone in her room. I'm so nervous though I don't know what to say! But I need to do this badly, to move things forward. It's going to decide if I'm moving out, and if I am, might as well start negotiating with my potential landlord now and get things moving already!

Might be moving office soon so a lot might be changing! I'm excited about the changes ahead and dreading the stagnancy currently.

Alright then what should I begin to say? How do you feel after the fight? Do you understand why was I so angry? It's pretty awkward to be talking about this on Mother's Day too.

I don't think I should be telling her what I'm doing next during this talk. It could be just talking about what happened and what's in our heads, and nothing else.

Another thing is... should I talk about this today? Out of all days? Is she gonna see it as me trying to ruin her moment? Well no matter what I guess she still deserves to be happy for 1 day of the year. Is this talk gonna turn out better or worse though? ...I will think it's better because it's progress. I can sort of tell that she's not exactly happy with our current dynamics.

Okay nuff said let's see how it goes. They might be leaving for dinner in a bit though.

[littledogpoo]

Now... where do I begin? It's an entry that I've dragged so long to even start writing because: A. procrastination, B. I've just been trying hard to cheer myself up and survive in this uncomfortable environment and C. sort out my feelings & thoughts. Even as I write now, I might be still struggling to piece them together... so, all the best to me later haha! (Going for dinner in a bit, will come back to finish this up!)

So it took a little longer than expected, I'm actually just back from a family trip to Malaysia. My soul felt recharged after the trip and I literally forgot about this problem for a while, until now when I'm forced to face it again. I'm feeling like there's a chore in my mind that's undone and everything else was held back because this chore is weighing so heavily on me that I don't have the motivation for anything else. Just been constantly seeking for stimulation to distract me.

(I'm just gonna skip everything, about what has happened, to how I'm feeling after that.)

I don't feel the cocktail of feelings as strongly now. It's still mixed feelings but more diluted, but I can still feel them there.

I'm feeling sad – because I felt unwanted now I guess. I told her to stop asking me if I'm coming home for dinner, if I'm coming back home, etc and that's exactly what she did. Of course it was said out of spite, but how do I tell her that I wish she did the opposite? I wish she's acting like a caring mother? My ego is telling me I don't need her but at the same time I wanna tell her how is she hurting me.

I'm feeling angry – this one is easy to explain because I'm basically unappreciated and scoffed for helping her. I've done so much and under so much stress and what do I get? I don't expect much – basic gratitude sure just bcos that's manners – I just need her to stay out of trouble and cooperate so she can keep this up long term. But she's making this difficult for me and worst of all, giving me shit for my sincere effort to help her.

I then feel disappointed – like after all the talks and explanation, do you really understand you need help? Do you really think what you're doing is affecting all of us? Are you really sorry for doing all that shit? Or are you just a psychopathic, selfish person who is not capable of feeling sorry for anyone except for yourself? Do you hate us for being happier than you? Do you feel better that we are suffering with you?

I feel helpless – I don't know how to communicate with her so that she can get it, that whatever I'm doing, as uncomfortable to her as it is, is an effort to help her. I don't know how else to do it except to ask my bro, who recently has a new daughter to take over my responsibility to manage her lifestyle. I don't know if our relationship can still be repaired, or if she's okay with the status quo and so nothing else has to be done? I wanna ask her if she finds our relationship good or if she thinks anything's wrong? How do I get her to understand that her actions are driving me crazy?? I'm pretty sure she's going to say that she's upset because my temper is bad and I can't talk to her nicely. How do I get her to understand that I've tried so hard to talk to her nicely but her avoidant attitude is driving people nuts? Who the fk can stand someone who ignores you when you are telling them how upset you are?

I'm afraid I'll be re-triggered again if I were to start this talk. After such a long time, I would've expected that she's put in some thought and reflected but what if her mind is stuck in that day? Could she still be thinking that I was overreacting and it was stupid for me to control her finance? (SIDE THOUGHT: perhaps the more patient one can do the ground work and the stricter one can step in when shit might be hitting the fan soon?)

I have to be prepared for disappointment. I have to be prepared to let go if she wants me to keep this distance. No matter what, please keep my cool and know that no matter what, you can see J at the end of the day if you want to. Bali trip is coming okay just stay positive!!

[littledogpoo]

Let me pose a question: You are together with your partner and a group of friends having dinner, and a small fire broke out. Your partner then escaped from the restaurant (out of fear) without informing you or your friends, especially you.

How would you feel? Will you be comfortable staying in this relationship?

I thought I can. Because you can't expect everyone in the world to be brave and protective... right? But to not inform your partner at all is a bit too much isn't it? It's like I'm outta here bye!

It kinda hurt to realise first-hand that your partner WILL DEFINITELY leave you in a lurch in the face of life and death. I envy those who never have to find out.

I've been trying to talk to her about this to regain my trust in the process, and to talk myself out of ending it over this unfortunate incident. Eventually I might have convinced her that we should end this instead haha! Honestly she didn't put up much of a fight for me, which is also part of the reasons I don't trust her to be my person anymore.

I've always wanted a person to be there for me, understands me, to find comfort with and just have my back no matter what.

I know I've been an idealist for the most times, I mean that's why I'm always feeling uncontented & frustrated because there's always something missing or flawed. I thought I've gotten past that and I did try to tell myself it's only 1 thing that I couldn't get over while everything else was great! Like I love spending time with her and I feel so comfortable and just happy with her. But she always overlooks me when we are with friends! It's been so many years actually, although I feel icky sometimes but I didn't think it was a bit deal for me to consider breaking up. Until the "abandonment" incident happened and I managed to link them up.

sooo... to wrap things up we've broken up! Everytime I think about it I feel ugh I don't want to go through it and be reminded of the disappointment again. Now, I hope I'm independent enough to live as a single lady and strong enough to lose a life partner just like that. It's stupid when I think of it but it's also so important. I know i might regret it but... right now it's what I need to do.

[littledogpoo]

This might just be it. Idk if I want this to end. It’s not like I definitely have to get out of this relationship… i mean it’s not toxic. But you kinda have to give an ultimatum if you can’t stand something right? And it is only an ultimatum if you stand by it no matter what.

On the side note, it sucks to be misunderstood. What’s more stupid is that i’m being misunderstood to be angry at something, but in actual fact it’s about something else. I know that it’s naive to expect to be understood by other people, and so I didn’t bother to explain myself when nobody asked.

Ok back to the issue. It honestly sucks when this shit has to happen during a trip. And I still think it doesn’t make sense for me to receive a cold treatment after I expressed my displeasure. It’s like you ask me why am i angry and then get angered by the things i told you?? How is that fair? No matter how many times I think about it it still infuriates me.

But whatever guess I’m over it now. No more relationship fights and cold treatments i hope. If i were to die alone, so be it. Man up because we all arrive and leave this world alone.

[littledogpoo]

I don’t really know what I want. Do I need more time to sort out my thoughts? Am i still angry with her for acting so non-chalant about that? Do I feel better by myself? I don’t know.

It’s been so long and shit like that keeps happening. I can’t remember when I was excited about a date.

Am I prioritising family over love now? Is this a relationship problem or me problem?

I also don’t know what I want from her. Maybe I just need her to want to talk about it. But seriously it will never work. I can’t change a person overnight. It’s either I want to suck it up or not.

Do I need a break? Am I being dramatic?

I kind of feel like I don’t deserve this. Like I don’t deserve to suck it up when it’s a behaviour I really cannot stand. Do I have to withstand this for the rest of my life?

I hope I can wake up with answers tomorrow.

[littledogpoo]

independent & alone...

I’m honestly so tired and I just wanna take some leaves to clear my head. I need some time to drown in my depression.

The thought of talking to her, working, planning a trip is driving me insane. I’m stuck, I'm tired. I don’t wanna face my emotions because it’s a nuisance to deal with. Maybe drowning myself with work is a better idea.

I don’t know if there’s still love. Because when I think about breaking up, my first thought was that I’m not able to do this or that without her, or I’ll have to change my life plans. Or I'll be thinking of ways I can be more independent without her. Or thinking if I can handle the loneliness that comes after. Sounds rather selfish for someone in a relationship, doesn’t it? So do I still love her? Does it do any good to anyone if we’re stuck in this without unconditional love?

I do think things would’ve been much easier if we’re not in the same circle of friends. Or we wouldn’t have lasted this long if not because of that. 

What do I want out of this relationship? I don’t really know. I don’t know if I would rather be independent and alone, or co-dependent and remain in status quo just because. Both sounded really scary.

By the way, my stomach is growling incessantly but I have zero appetite. So intermittent fasting is going well at least.

[littledogpoo]

dark corner

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Once every few months, especially CNY, I’ll fall into this depression spell. It’s probably not that serious but there’s literally no one I can talk to. (That’s why I’m writing it here.) 

My insecurities and self-esteem comes under the spotlight – my own spotlight. My own girlfriend doesn’t understand me, and nothing can cheer me up. I want to be living on my own, away from whoever I deemed negative to myself. I think that’ll help but I don’t know for sure; still figuring out what’s wrong with me.

I recently came across Adult ADHD so I really want to take a legit test and find out if that’s what's up. The symptoms aren’t that uncommon in my opinion but it’s the severe lack of executive skills that’s bumming me out. It’s the underlying reason of my low self-esteem. I kinda hope I’m diagnosed with it so I can find a solution to that. I hope the next time I update this space will be with a confirmed diagnosis.

Anyway, it kinda scares me to realise that I don’t have anyone I can bare my soul to, someone I feel safe to expose my vulnerabilities to. The thought of someone knowing my insecurities scares me. I don’t think I can even talk to J.

[littledogpoo]

gaining perspective.

So now I’m stuck. Again I’m stuck.

I’m mostly worried about how my future will unfold. First of all, I’m definitely insecure about my experience and capability. Especially when I read about job descriptions online and find how far away I am from those descriptions. 

It’s like I’m already 29 and I’m still a long way to where I thought I should be, or at least close to. Even when I had this realisation that I’m not cut out for the  corporate world, and I don’t even have the personality to want to fight my way up the corporate ladder, I still feel disappointed in some extent that I’ve failed. I don’t even like it, so why do I care? 

I think what I need is more self-awareness and stick to what I like or good at. Like, pick my battles; not every single thing I haven’t done should be a challenge. And remember: every step that I take now, should be a step towards my GOAL.

So now what’s my goal?

1. I want to buy a house, as soon as I can, ideally before I turn 35.  

2. I want to have enough money for the rest of my life, for me to take good care of my family and have a good life. 

3. Achieve something that I can be proud of e.g. my legacy.

[littledogpoo]

Today, I’m still feeling self-conscious. Drowning in my own thoughts that I’m not good enough and I find my mind constantly drifting to the new company and how am I performing next to these colleagues I just knew.

I guess the huge disappointment in me is because of my disparity between my environment now and before joining this new company. The people, culture, industry, etc. I used to have a close mentor showing me the ropes and sharing honestly with me about his knowledge and doubts. People are different here, and most importantly we’re not on the same frequency. Well no matter what people usually say, it’s important for people to like you. I mean it’s okay if they don’t, but I guess I’m hoping that it’s because I’m on a higher level than them, not the other way. I would like to think that way, if not I want to work towards that.

No matter what — maybe things will get better, maybe it won’t — I hope I can at least make 2 friends whom I can click well with. Especially one of them who I think we’re kind of at the same frequency and I really like his style. I believe we’re kind of wanting the same out of life. And he seemed like a kind dude. I hope to talk more with him or even have a chance to work with him. I’m anxious about making things better, but the WFH thing is making it so difficult.

(I kind of want to go back to smoking again just so I could maybe know the smoker group. Okay but this is probably not the right company to adopt this strategy.)

I would like to think I used to be the cool gal who doesn’t give a shit to whoever thinks about her. I guess the thing about joining a new environment is that you are most likely not the most experienced or knowledgeable one. So you’re really looking at your peers or colleagues for validation and thus tied to your sense of self-worth. (NTS: I should try to gain their acceptance but I should not conform in the deeper sense. I know I’m good and time will tell. I don’t need people whom I don’t really care about or really know much about to determine my self-worth.)

Well it’s weekend now and I really hope it’ll be the least of my concern. I wanna stop thinking about this and focus on my own personal growth and my loved ones. Peace out this ends now!

[littledogpoo]

Today is the worst I’ve ever felt for a very very long time. Just lonely and feeling lowly about myself. I don’t know is it all PMS or it’s partly really how I feel about myself.

Have I made a mistake joining this company? Well people are nice but it feels like there’s a certain facade beyond it all. I’m a genuine person and I really don’t know how to act around people like that. Should I continue trying? Or should I leave before wasting too much time? It’s a reputable stepping stone for me though.

Okay it’s probably just PMS and my inner saboteur talking. I have to be a better more positive version of myself. I have to do it for J, for my family. No matter how much I hate it, I’m gonna try hard to blend in and be my true self at the same time.

Part of me wishes that I’m still within my comfort zone - well I probably will go back in a few years and I hope they’re still around and want me back too. (Omg my mind is really crazy right now I’m actually anxiously shouting at myself in my mind.)

Let’s talk again soon. I hope things will get better and I’ll change my mind.

Edit: i think when you’re with a group of people whom you’re trying to impress, sometimes you might lose yourself, losing sight of what’s most important to you. I suddenly remembered this is only temporary. This is not what I’m aiming to be my whole life. My whole life is to be meaningful and look after my dear ones. Not to fit in with a bunch of people whom I don’t really care about. Not to compare who has more testimonials on linkedin. Be true to yourself, grow a thicker skin and trudge on.

[littledogpoo]

so confused

I actually don’t know what I want out of this breakup. I kind of regretted it because I miss her and I still want to be there for her. But I don’t want the stupid fights anymore. Can’t I have the best of both worlds?

What would I be without her? An aimless idling fuck with no goals in life I bet. Everything I did or want to do is with her in mind, with her at the end goal. So how can I say I can’t see a future together, when I always think about her before I decide on something.

I kept going back to read our whatsapp conversation. I was such an asshole to her. I’ve become someone I hate. Who am I to treat her this way? She’s putting away her ego and fighting for me; she’s begging me. All I did was throw it away and say mean things to her. What is wrong with me? How can she forgive me?

[littledogpoo]

Seriously what’s the problem with coming over to my place for dinner? Why can’t we deal with a little change of plans?

You told me to be ready between 5-6pm and it got delayed. Change of plans. I invited you over for stramboat instead. Change of plans. So what’s wrong?

What’s wrong is you feeling uncomfortable yet again for the stupid reason that you don’t want to always be coming over for food and stay. It’s been 3 years and I’m tired of hearing the same reasons.

[littledogpoo]

[littledogpoo]

I’m feeling depressed. I feel so cornered that I don’t know where to go or what to do. I just want to be alone. I’m afraid of having the need to explain to people.

I wanna ask him to move out. I wanna break up with her. I wanna quit my job. I want to be alone.

In all honesty I’m not sure if I know what I want. But I know that I’m not happy with now.

[littledogpoo]

lost and afraid

Job hunting must be one of the most soul-crushing process to go through in the world - it makes me question my self-worth on a weekly basis, pretty soon daily. One moment (usually when I’m asked for an interview) I feel hopeful and confident about my capability, albeit still unpolished, another moment (usually after the interview when I’m unsatisfied with it or when I’m waiting for callback).

I’m afraid my 4 years of experience and time spent there is for nothing and I have to start again. I’m most afraid that I will never be good enough for what I hoped for myself.

I guess after assessing all the job scopes, prospects and how the interview went, I have 2 jobs I hope will call me back:

1. Digital strategist at a local agency

2. Senior Marketing Executive at a growing local tech startup 

Let’s pray together and hope they’ll call me soon because I can’t take it anymore! I constantly need something to look forward to and for now it’s the next job interview. That’s how short-lived my hopes are nowadays - in between job interviews.

Honestly even taking out my braces or getting my driver’s license now is gonna cheer me up in ways I haven’t felt in years. 

UPDATE: Omg I have received no call today except for a scam call. That’s it I guess there goes my hopes for these 2 prospects. :”(

[littledogpoo]

idgi

So I lost my airpods.

It was followed by nagging and blaming from the girlfriend like “i can’t stand you” or “I kept asking you to take care of your things”, instead of really helping me to figure out what to do. I’m not even doing this on purpose! I am scatter-brained and that’s just who I am! I feel damn shitty too, I mean that’s my airpods right?

I was obviously annoyed by it, partly because I had an interview and was distressed over it as well. But no, airpods have to be lost now, and I have to be reprimanded by you now. And afterwards, you’re angry, I’m angry and there goes the dinner plans.

We can’t have any Friday night in peace can we?

What bothers me the most is that the problem is always the most trivial matter and the reaction is always disproportionate to the problem. And the reason is because you don’t want to talk when I want you to, vice versa. In my point of view, I really don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to be triggered, while you think I’m over-reacting and therefore choose to leave it alone. LEAVE ME ALONE. That’s the response I hated the most.

I’m very harsh with my words nowadays when I’m angry with you. I don’t know if I really meant it, but I do know I want to inflict pain on you. I have so much anger and I just want to vent it to the person who’s bringing me the misery. “I don’t need you in my life.” I don’t know if that’s true but it most probably is. Nobody really needs anybody right? But everyone wants somebody.

10 minutes passed and it’s 903pm. I’ve blocked you now and not responding to your imessages and calls. I guess I just want to keep myself away from things that give me distress. Of course it’s not a good way to end things so it’s just temporary. I just wanna show that I’m angry and maybe be alone for a while cause I don’t know what to say. Maybe to let you know how frustrated I am so you can think about what happened as well. But mainly I’m just so sick of our stupid fights and your unresponsiveness. I’m so sick of being alone and sitting in my room writing on tumblr on a Friday night.

I’m most sick of feeling lost, frustrated and anxious about what lies ahead. 

EDIT: I found my airpods in my bag and we quickly patched up LOL

[littledogpoo]

never going to be happy

I’m starting to think I will never be contented. I’m questioning myself: What do I want at the end? 

I chased the girl, I got the girl, I loved the girl - what now? I realised we will always have the same problem. Is that the “irreconcilable differences” you divorced folks have been boasting about? Are there really people out there who can suit you better? Or really it’s about whether you want to compromise or not?

I hate that she is too laidback and has no drive in life goals. But don’t those traits usually come with easygoing, simple and nice - traits that usually attract me? She always avoids confrontations; that’s her first instinct at least. It’s suffocating me every time. Like I want to spew out the unhappiness in me but I can’t because she is just keeping quiet. How do you scold someone who doesn’t respond. Eventually I’d kept quiet too. 

I now understand people who eventually cheats. Why didn’t they just break up if they’re so miserable? Why do you have to wait till you’ve met someone and cheated before you eventually break up with the other person? Because the relationship is worth holding on. Because you don’t know if you’ll meet anyone else who can make you feel the same way (until you do). But are you also wasting someone’s youth by not letting go? These are the thoughts going through my head, the struggle between love and selfishness.