littleman-and-themonster - Tumblr blog

[littleman-and-themonster]

❤️

[littleman-and-themonster]

My little man… somehow I thought you were going to be around forever. Looking at old videos lets me see how time had begun to creep up on us. ❤️

[littleman-and-themonster]

Baby boy,

You’re big.

Bigger than your little body was

Bigger than cancer

Bigger than the German Shepherds whose tennis balls you used to steal at dog parks,

Bigger than chemotherapy

Bigger than the height from the bed to the floor, and bigger than the distance between two full-size beds in an Austin dog-friendly motel;

My Little Man, you were bigger than life,

You were bigger than the arthritis that left you licking your joints for hours after play time

Bigger than the rats in our Southwest Houston apartment that you showed who’s boss to,

Bigger than my screams and sobs the Wednesday afternoon I found you unresponsive but still warm, balled up in your bed.

And so much bigger than the little 4 pound box I held in my hands today; filled with packing peanuts, a mold of your right paw, and you.

[littleman-and-themonster]

It’s been 11 days, and the burning raw grief feels more like a longing for something important that is missing.

Edgar and I have argued a couple of times. We cope differently. I came home from work the other day to see that he had cleaned and moved some furniture, and had packed up Cody’s bed and crate and put them in the garage.

I started to cry and told him “I said to move slow.”

“I have! It’s been over a week!” He responded.

I can’t help but keep looking at his pictures, or his toys that have been retired and his brother is no longer allowed to share. I find myself only giving Mason treats that I had given to both of them, not allowing him to have any of the “fancy” ones my sister had brought Cody after he started Chemo to try to get him to eat something (yet, the amount. Keeps shrinking. Edgar has been feeding them to Mason).

It almost feels like betrayal, moving forward.

What’s next? Removing the frame in our bedroom that alludes to us having more than 1 dog?

Removing the camera over it that we placed to keep an eye on Cody?

The farm animal portraits near the bed that resembled Mason and Cody?

I don’t want to move on. I’m not ready.

[littleman-and-themonster]

❤️

[littleman-and-themonster]

How lucky am I, that I got to love you; and even more so that you loved me back.

Video from 9/23/16, being greeted after coming home from work.

Turn sound up to hear his little grunts. ❤️

[littleman-and-themonster]

From His Dark Materials:

“Balthamos … knew that half his heart had been extinguished. He couldn't keep still: he flew up again, scouring the sky as if to seek out Baruch in this cloud or that, calling, crying, calling; and then he'd be overcome with guilt, and fly down … ; and then the pressure of his grief would crush him to the ground, and he'd remember every instance of kindness and courage that Baruch had ever shown, and there were thousands, and he'd forgotten none of them; and he'd cry that a nature so gracious could ever be snuffed out, and he'd soar into the skies again, casting about in every direction, reckless and wild and stricken, cursing the air, the clouds, the stars.”

Philip Pullman, The Amber Spyglass (His Dark Materials, #3)

[littleman-and-themonster]

I actually had thought about this a lot.

We were unsure at first of whether chemo was the right path, especially since we heard of how tough chemo was on dogs.

I remember asking Cody as if he could respond to me, “what do you want me to do?? What should I do?”

Maybe, this one was a final gift. I wouldn’t have been able to make the call, had we needed to make it once we saw he was no longer happy.

I’ll never know.

I just know that… grief comes in waves, and just how I felt like when my friends passed, and my family dog passed, sometimes I’m going to want to be taken under.

And I know nothing happens like you planned. I had thought that maybe, once the call had to be made, I was going to invite everyone that has ever loved on Cody (and there have been many! He is…. Was.. the sweetest Chihuahua) to love him one more time, then leaving family only to say goodbye.

I’m just rambling at this point. I’m tired. I was able to laugh a bit this evening, but overall I’m just tired. So tired.

Edgar cried as he started collecting the medicine/treat bags the Pet Cancer Center had given us.

“Let’s do this slowly. Yes, it hurts to see his name and toys and belongings throughout the house, but it’s also going to hurt when the little reminders are gone. We’re fucked,” I said to him.

Now, As I go to bed, I’m going to look towards his bed.. maybe once sleep starts beating me I’ll see him again.

[littleman-and-themonster]

The Monster.

(Cody lost his fight to the monster today. The first part below I dictated to my phone as I sat in my car, gathering the strength to drive home).

Sometimes we are left to pick up the pieces.

Cody passed today. I came home from work and for the first time I was greeted by silence. Not even his brother was barking. I ran to the bedroom and Cody laid on his bed, eyes open and unresponsive. I tried to call Edgar; he was still at work. no response. I called over and over again running through the house screaming. Noticing the mess Cody had left all over the dining room, side effect of chemo.

And now as I am headed home from saying my final goodbye I am just picturing how the next 10 minutes are going to be. Perhaps I will just clean in silence because sometimes we just have to pick up the pieces and keep going.

I am going to hug Mason extra tight today. I don’t know if he’s going to realize what’s happened, or that his brother would not come home this time from the vet.

In two weeks we will get his ashes in a little box. So much joy and life reduced to ashes.

I have been here before. In other ways, other goodbyes. Fuck cancer. I have always been an atheist, but whenever I am faced with this level of grief, I think I believe for a brief second and I am angry, especially As I pet the unresponsive body of my little man, and I feel the tumors, and I hear myself thinking, “you didn’t even have the decency to make these go away for one goddamn day so that I could say goodbye to the little Chihuahua that I love so much, the way that Ive always known him to be.

****

30 mins later. We’re home. I pick up Mason, carry him towards back door.

Edgar stands by the door, cleaning up poop and urine, tears collecting at the tip of his nose before dropping.

“Somehow this makes me sadder,” he says.

I offer to trade, Mason for cleaning, as I remember he called me strong for taking Cody to ER. Maybe I am (which makes me sad, because I know how I came to be that way.).

He declines.

I take Mason out.

I bring him in.

I feed him.

I go around the house looking for spots of urine edgar May have missed with Clorox wipes.

I take my clothes off, and lay in bed.

I don’t wash my hands. Why should I? He was mine. He doesn’t disgust me.

I kissed him goodbye as the vet gave us privacy to say goodbye. I hadn’t kissed him in 3 weeks, we were told not to because of chemo. I don’t care. I didn’t care. He was mine and I loved him.

[littleman-and-themonster]

Day 8,

Cody was supposed to get his second dose of chemo this week, but all the blood work came out worse than expected. His white blood cell count was too low. The vet said he is close to needing a blood transfusion.

Next week we’ll do blood work again and see if he’s healthy enough for next round of chemo.

I don’t know what to do. At what point do we make the call? How do we know when to stop fighting this?

My sweet man. I wish you could tell me what to do.

[littleman-and-themonster]

Days 4,5, and 6.

Cody has been doing well!

Appetite is back with a vengeance, and I swear his lymph nodes next to his neck have decreased in size. My little man is so strong.

The tattoo artist who did my chest tattoo in honor of my friend who passed in 2020 opened up his books for this fall so I submitted a request for an appointment to get a micro portrait of my little chimuelo. I gave the tattoo artist the picture below bc Cody looked so dapper!

[littleman-and-themonster]

Someone had a good day!

Cody didn’t eat breakfast of his leftover migas, but he ate his real food at dinner time.

He’s also had good energy. He still fumbles when he tries to jump on couch, but his tail wags, he wants us to throw his toy….

I know not all days will be like this… but I want to hold on to this hope.

[littleman-and-themonster]

Day 2, Continued:

We got him to eat! Unsalted, unseasoned migas.

It is just 1 egg and 1 tortilla, but he still couldn’t finish it.

We will save the leftovers in case he doesn’t eat in the morning.

[littleman-and-themonster]

Day 2:

I came home today to find Cody had not eaten his breakfast, or his nausea pills, or his other medications. As I tried to coax him to eat, he threw up a bit, the clear liquid that’s pretty normal when he doesn’t have anything in his stomach. I sprinkled cheese on his food and he just licked it off, and started taking his little pellets and leaving them outside the bowl.

I let Mason out to do his business before Cody. When he was done I locked him in the bedroom so he wouldn’t try to eat Cody’s food as I took him out. Hubby started calling me and I was already balancing multiple things so I answered and was a bit curt with him; he was just calling to tell me there was traffic.

I hid Cody’s medication in a treat (he still eats those! Lol), cleaned up his vomit, sterilized, and took him outside to do his business. Gloves on, bags in hand. He never ate his breakfast. He doesn’t want to eat dinner. Now, he’s laying next to me, watching TV. His stomach keeps making gurgling sounds. I hope once nausea meds kick in, he’ll eat some food.

[littleman-and-themonster]

Today was Cody’s first round of Chemo. The hubby dropped him off in the morning because I’m new at my job so can’t start shuffling my schedule yet (at least til I’m done with probationary period…). I kept thinking of Cody; wondering how he was doing.

We always get told by vets that he’s the sweetest chihuahua they’ve ever met. This time was no different. Oncologist said Cody was the sweetest old man ever until he got his temperature taken.

The hubby said “did his chihuahua come out?” The oncologist laughed.

****

I decided to start writing stuff down after a little incident.

As we were getting ready for dinner time, the fur babies know they will get some treats as a “we’ll be right back” treat. Cody got excited and tried to hurry over to the bedroom, and his legs didn’t work as fast as he was hoping, so he tripped on his own legs and laid on the floor for a couple of seconds (felt like minutes) with a “wtf just happened” face. Lameness is a symptom of ongoing lymphoma it seems.

I immediately dropped to my knees,

“My baaaaby!”

And helped him up. He looked at me confused and I remembered how the vet said we needed to avoid kisses, as he could be a bit toxic due to chemo.

So I just scratched his little head and started to cry.

I was shaking. I couldn’t breathe. I just wanted to hold him close and tell him everything would be alright and kiss him. But I couldn’t.

The hubby started to cry too. We helped him to the bedroom. Gave him a treat and walked towards the door.

The hubby hugged me and we cried together. Glad to not be alone. Heartbroken this is happening to my little family.

After dinner, we sat on couch and watched tv. He napped, stomach making sounds.

Cody got up towards backyard door and began to pee on the floor without letting us know he wanted to go outside (he usually does). I then had to put Mason away in bedroom while we cleaned up and let Cody outside to continue to do his business, so we could pick it up. With gloves. And double bagged.

“It feels so medical,” the hubby said.

After cleanup, we came back to the couch. I can’t help but cry when I see him nap, In a position we rarely see him in. I’m scared, but he’s just confused, but always full of love.

He’s so brave, My sweet prince.