littleteatime

[littleteatime]

It's rough. Not always being yourself 100%, hiding who you are. I want to be me so bad but I get wrapped in situations that are not me. I give and give but still not everything. Even when I'm reaching the bare bones, there's still something hidden. Idk if I will ever truly let anyone know who I really truly am 100%. How do you do that? You don't want them to see the anger. The shame. Why would I ever let anyone see that dark side of me? I do try. To be honest. I've told the stories. Im leading to the truth. I just get so scared. Half the time idk what really happened. How to explain it. How do I explain the things I've seen without seeming crazy? It is crazy. To never know if someone will believe the things you experienced. That's the worst but then hiding even the not so dark but still weird things. I have to lead up to it and it's terrible. What if I'm wasting time? I don't want to. Am I wasting breath? It FUCKING SUCKS bc I know what I want but I'm scared of the other possibilities. I want to grow but what if she... I have to find the right time to tell her. I have to.

[littleteatime]

Imagine showing up to a city and getting warnings from locals about the r word. Sad.

[littleteatime]

I'm so sick. Homesick. I can't let it win. I need to do better for myself. I want to go back but I can't. I have to let go. Let it all go and be honest. But I'm so scared to tell her. I let her in again and I've committed so much. I want so much with her. She gave me what I wanted n needed to hear. I miss her so much. I'm such a wreck. I get so angry and want to cry. I'm on my period and I'm conflicted as fuck. I wanna go home but I need to do better for myself. Do I really wanna give this up? No I just want more. I want to hear her see her but this is long distance I have to accept that. Fuck i'm a mess.

[littleteatime]

The pain of loving someone you never had. The feelings of delusion when they seem to reciprocate but then they change the way they act. It sucks. Thinking I could have something. Anything. Just a moment of her time. I played myself and she let me. I don't understand how you can flirt, say youll go on dates... It's funny how you can say it wasn't you, but you haven't changed anything. You don't want this and I've told you to fucking tell me that. Why can't ppl be honest? Why. I fucking asked and told you. Ik it's just who you are. Closed off. Avoidant. You're not used to ppl like me. Needy. I get it. But I gave you space. I made a fool of myself. I hoped..... Im having trouble letting go. It's going to happen. I'm gonna say my goodbye. You lost me. They all have. I try so hard. To be consistent, give space, live my life, invite them in, give compliments, show up, remember all the little n big things.... I put too much time and energy into people who don't do the same for me. I have to do better than that. I deserve so much better. I just hate not having love. I want love so bad I fail myself over and over by falling for the bare minimum. I don't deserve to fail myself like that. I work too hard to be kind and loving to not be kind and loving to myself for others. To put myself behind. I don't deserve that. I deserve to be loved properly with consistency... Not to fear losing them.... I want to do better.