littletinyscribbles - Tumblr blog

[littletinyscribbles]

Ephialtes 

Leaning in. Widening eyes. A soft press of lips. 

He pulls away with her hand on his chest and her eyes are reproachful. He sighs. 

"Well." 

"Well," she echos, pushing more pointedly against him. He steps back and she tries to breathe, ignoring how their heartbeats race in tandem.  

She lets her hand fall away and steps back herself. She can't meet his eyes. 

"Look, look, it's not like I'm not a little bit in love with you-" 

He chokes on nothing. "What?" 

She rolls her eyes. "Don't let it get to you. I'm a little bit in love with everybody. You started this" 

His mouth flattens into a thin line and it's his turn to look away. 

"What? Did I read this wrong?" 

Another eye roll. "You're not that dense. Except maybe you are. Why would you cross that line? Office affairs always end badly." 

"There have been plenty of office romances that worked out here." 

She scoffs, aggressively. "Not when one of them is married with child. Romances and affairs are not the same." 

He flicks his eyes towards her, then looks away again. His throat works but nothing comes out. She waits.  

He deflates and crumples against a table. His hands come up to scrub at his face and he doesn't see the way she softens. 

"Sorry. I'm sorry." He muffles a scream into his palms and looks at her with an air of dejected acceptance. "You're very-", he can't find the words. 

She saves him from it. "I am aware." If she could, she would raise an eyebrow. "and yet no one else has been compelled to kiss me out of wedlock." 

"Maybe I'm special." 

"Maybe you are." 

He laughs, then hums. "No one at all?" 

She laughs too. "That's not the part to focus on right now." 

He actually can raise an eyebrow and does so now, the bastard, "would you rather I focus on my deteriorating marriage?" 

"Yes." 

"My terrible job?" 

"Yeah." 

"The fact that I can't find happiness in anything anymore?" 

"Mhmmm, that would be great actually." 

He laughs and laughs and doesn't stop laughing until he's flat on the ground gasping for breath.  

"Fuck." 

He lolls his head toward the sound of her voice to find her settled into a chair, head propped on her fist gazing serenely down at him. "Do you have any idea how disgusting those floors are?" 

"I pay the cleaning bills so yes, I do." 

"As long as you're aware." 

"Wanna join me down here?" 

"You'd have to kill me." 

That surprises another bark of laughter out of him. There's a pause while he looks at the ceiling. She's the one to break it. 

"Is your marriage really deteriorating?" 

He sighs and closes his eyes. "No. Not it's not. That's the worst part. We're fine." He catches her eye, "really, we're fine." 

"Ok," she says easily, "ok." 

"I don't know what this is." 

"A mid life crisis, is what this is," she mutters, and still yanks her leg away when he tries to swat at it, entirely too far away to be a threat. "Hey!" She squawks anyways. 

"I'm not that old!" 

"You're cradle robbing." 

"You're not that young." 

She laughs. "I've never even met your wife." 

"Is that better or worse?" 

"I don't know," she admits, "but that's what got me right now. We've never even met." 

"Do you want to?" 

She holds his trembling gaze. "I don't know." 

"That's fair," he says, and his eyes skitter away. 

"Do you hate working here?" 

"No. No, none of that was true. My marriage is great and this job is great and I don't know what's wrong with me." 

"That would be the depression my guy." 

He jerks up, "I don't have depression." 

"Says the guy who kissed an intern?" 

"What?" She points to herself. "You're not an intern?" 

"Shush. Dramatics are how I handle stressful situations. You know that." 

"Being mean is how you handle stressful situations." 

She flicks her hair. "How dare you. Anyways." 

He sits up properly, scotting until he's back is against the table leg and his side is against her chair leg. 

"Have you considered a therapist?" 

"No." He leans his head back. "I didn't think I needed one." 

"You can't find happiness in anything anymore and you didn't think you needed one? Or was that a lie too?" 

He thinks it over. "Fuck. No, I think that was real. Fuck." 

"Language," she says. 

He angles his head towards her, "Do I need a therapist?" 

She looks taken aback, "bro, obviously." 

"You're going to 'bro' me right now?" 

"Would you rather I call you sugar pea?" She drawls. 

"Ah fuck." 

She nudges him with her leg. "What did I just say?" 

"Fuck," he says, just to hear her laugh. 

He reaches out gentle fingers and she shifts her weight to let him circle her ankle. "I really am sorry." 

She brushes the back of her fingers against his cheek. "I know." He leans into the gentle pressure of her knuckles and closes his eyes. 

"I think I'm a little bit in love with you too," he confesses, quiet like a vow. 

"Obviously. Like you said, I'm very alluring." 

"I don’t think I said alluring." 

"Then what did you say?" 

"I don't think I said anything." 

"Then what would you say." 

He strokes just above her ankle bone. "I don't think I should say anything right now." 

She sighs and says, "I think you're right." They sit for a while in that. 

"Ask your question." 

He stares at a spot on the floor. "What happens now?" 

"I don't know. What do you want to happen now?" 

"I don't know. What do you?" 

She gives him a crooked smile. "I don't know. I don't know if you know this, but I really had no ambitions of being a homewrecker." 

"I know. This one's not on you." 

She hums, "well, I'd says it's like twenty percent on me." 

 "Cause you're so alluring?" 

"I thought you weren't gonna say anything?" 

"You said that. Not me." 

"Cause I was in love with you first." 

"Really?" 

"Not on purpose. Like I said, I'm a little bit in love with everyone." 

"Are you now?" 

"I guess I have really low standards." He laughs and she doesn't think about why he hasn't let go of her yet. 

"You know this isn't gonna work out, right?" 

"You don't think so?" 

She shakes her head.  

"Why not?" 

"I might be a little bit in love with everyone, but I'm very lot a bunch in love with one specific person. Not that he- never mind. My point is, I have very clear and specific hang ups that have persisted despite literal decades passing. So. Really, nothing every really works out." 

"Decades?" 

"Tell me about it," she grouses. 

"Tell me about it" he counters. 

She tugs on his ear, then sticks her tongue out at him. "No." 

"Your life's also a shit show, huh?" 

"Hah. I wish the Calypso vibes would stop, that's for sure." 

"I don't know what that means." 

"It's ok, I didn't mean for you to." 

"Ok." 

"Ok." 

[littletinyscribbles]

Was I acting weird today?

Sorry, I did not notice

I was too busy trying not to hold your hand

July 1, 2022 F 11.50pm

[littletinyscribbles]

Last night I had a dream

that I met your fiance

I don’t remember what she looked like

how she was

I only remember that she was not me

and that you were happy to introduce her

October 11, 2021 Monday 9:34 pm

[littletinyscribbles]

I think this is the first time I've cried at work

Today is not a good day

The straw has been piling up

And it only took two emails to break me

Fuck you

July 12, 2021 Monday 1.30 pm

[littletinyscribbles]

how do i remove this aggressive pseudo-nostalgia that has taken root in my soul

[littletinyscribbles]

Thanks Oppy

Until today we have not been tired

We have rolled forth

On and on and on

We are not just temporary

We are not defined by our mission

We are more than ninety days

Until today we have been a miracle

Until today

When we have needed one

We have discovered so much

Learned so much

So much

Is it ever enough?

We sang to ourselves

In this vast expanse of red

Never able to hear back

The voices that were singing with us

So very far

From our pale blue dot

The ones who come

Will not be the ones who made us

Those, they will have died long ago

The ones who come

Will never have met us

But they will come

And we will be home again

Until then we will wait here

Drifting in space

Sisters together, some fallen

Some foraying

Never forgotten

Our instruments may be focused on the regolith

But our hearts are turned towards the stars

My battery is low

And it is getting dark

Your mission has ended

Goodnight, Opportunity

May you rove in our skies forever

February 13, 2019 W 8.25pm

[littletinyscribbles]

Day one

Low dark clouds on this all saints day

Reflecting my soul

It's not a metaphor for what lurks in the human mind

Or the actualization that life is suffering

Sometimes a girl just wants to feel cozy ✌🏻

November 1, 2018 R 5.31p

[littletinyscribbles]

Anything that exists in academia, to me, is golden

In class a flurry of hands are raised

“This is bullshit!”

Says one

“Absolutely ridiculous”

Agrees another

“I can see where he’s coming from, but..”

Starts the guy beside me

I am too true neutral for this discourse critique

October 31, 2017 M 10.40a

[littletinyscribbles]

The European society of western Canada

The slipshodish Confucianism of Chinese Brunei

A child of two, three, four cultures

I live life on a bridge between worlds

Delighted, content, hungry, thriving

Sighing after lands I can never own

who can never own me

November 20, 2017 M 8.12p

[littletinyscribbles]

Why name my 18 year old sister

Sole beneficiary?

I figure if anything happens to her 大姐

It could be a cold comfort

It's not like mom and dad need the money

Is this a weird thing for a 22 year old to do?

Who else do I love???

April 18, 2018 W.

[littletinyscribbles]

The optometrist called today

To call my grandfather in

For his exam

Nobody really talks about what else you have to do

After a death

Other than the funeral

Who would have thought to make

All those calls

Who else have we

Forgotten to call

April 10, 2018 T 6p

[littletinyscribbles]

Maybe disturbing is the better word

There is something excessively unnerving

About sitting sat facing forward on a train

While behind you a gang of

Unsupervised children

Looking no older than ten, at best

Casually spew a string of words

That makes even someone twenty two

From the local U

Widen their eyes and press their cheek against the window

April 9, 2018 M 6.23p

[littletinyscribbles]

What started out as a normal day  

Has turned to disaster  

What sort of worker's compensation plans do they have

for a paper cut?

March 14, 2018 W 11.21p

[littletinyscribbles]

equilibrium

Everything feels so normal

And it only happened yesterday

Life moves on

But I didn’t think it would so quickly

January 13, 2018 1a

[littletinyscribbles]

a man I never knew

I am told story after story

of a man who was a wielder

a mechanic

a zookeeper

known to many as master

His photo still hangs in the classrooms of his homeland

faded but proud

a daredevil

a rogue

with a wife who had the patience of a saint

A photo of my father

feeding a bear

A man stands proudly in front of  a motorcycle

a collection of birds and birdcages behind him

"They call him sifu", it is pointed out to me

"didn't you ever figure out why?"

as a child I simply thought it was something

you called the elderly

not a special title

granted to those who worked for it

I am told story after story

of fishing off oil rigs

and stealing tools from work

selling a bike to a nephew

and being blamed for his two broken  legs

An eldest brother and mother

banded together

to buy a practical car

instead of suffering through yet another

European project

children must stay indoors

while he is practising in the garden

because the ferocity of his staff

tipped in metal

would be too dangerous otherwise

His practise is taught  

to his two eldest children

but the second brother,

it is deemed,

gets into too many fights

If he was taught

it would not end well for anybody

except his little gang of friends

(too much power)

And so the two youngest

never learned

The littlest brother

is miffed

even forty years later

But he is far too understanding

of his older brothers scrappy personality

(my father,

to the surprise of nobody,

has always been a troublemaker

The family is relieved

his children don't take after him)

I cannot imagine

this person who is supposed to be my grandfather

I only remember him as someone old

sat on the outer seat next to me on the bus

always smiling, nodding

Genial

He taught me how to make cigarettes

with a little machine

small enough to fit into the palms of his hands

but much too large for mine

I loved the way my hands smelled after

and my fingers were small enough to smooth out the edges

of the thin filters

I would stand outside with him  

Inhaling the delicious scent

of second hand smoke

He was caught one day

with me on his lap

tongue stuck out in concentration

to pack the brown curls tightly in their new home

"she's just making them!" I think he argued

"it's not like I'm giving them to her!"

I don't know how much of this conversation happened

because apparently no one else in the family remembers this happening

In fact, at twenty one

it seems no one believes my story at all

My oldest cousin laughs and says no way!

but I stand against the wall

with his body  

covered by a blanket in the space between us

and I describe the little brown machine

and the mechanisms of which you create a smoke

and they have no choice but to believe me

how else would I know this

if not from him?

I have never been the problem child

of our generation of six

in fact, I may be tied for dead last

but in retelling this story

we joke that I have the potential to come in first

taking after my father after all

This is the part of his legacy

he has passed on to me

but I have no plans to live up to them

"He was a great man" I hear

but I cannot connect these two people in my mind

One who was essentially abandoned by his mother at 16

Whose birth certificate is two years off the mark

for want of rice

Who was a master at his craft

at his crafts

To the man who complained if dinner was late

or too early

even when it happened at 5 o'clock on the dot

every time

To the man who sent the hospital in a frenzy

when he disappeared from his room

after open heart surgery

Only to be found wandering the cafeteria

Looking at giftshop mugs

His hoarding tendencies have carried him to his last days

but nothing else seems to reconcile my grandfather to the man he was

His past self seems cooler

but it is impossible for me to think of that man

as MY grandfather

He is simply a man that many people knew

but I did not

and no matter how many stories I am told

my grandfather

will always wear a thin white tank top

over a button down shirt

and a worn brown belt

holding it all together

My grandfather

will always sit at the head of the table

the only place setting to need a fork instead of chopsticks

My grandfather

will always insist on going out to see his friends

even if it is negative  twenty five outside

He will always wake up with bedhead

that makes him look like a crazy professor

perpetually grey-white

and be the most difficult patient

(of ALL TIME)

at any hospital he stays at

Who insists he is fine

when he isn't

and is extremely polite to health care staff

but a massive annoyance when one is not in the room

That man may have been your father, your uncle your friend your husband

but this is my grandfather

and he is gone

and I have yet to cry

January 13, 2018 A 12.39p

[littletinyscribbles]

life goes on

I am working on a project

that is due Tuesday

My uncle looks critically

(judgementally?)

at my computer screen

But what am I supposed to do?

Take the week off?

what will that accomplish?

Am I to sit home in silence?

Sit with my family?

Reminisce over a man I barely knew

even though we lived in the same house?  

am I to take three days off work

during rush

to do nothing?

I do not know what procedure is

but that seems awfully dull

what does mourning feel like?

how do you pass the time?

January 13, 2018 A 3.2p

[littletinyscribbles]

it’s like he planned it

Even with medics taking up the basement

Tracking their snow muddy shoes into the house

we find time to marvel at how it all worked out

On a Friday night

after having

(finally)

seen all his children

he passed peacefully

quickly

into the abyss

"Even after seeing the eldest

in october

he held out

he was weak

but he was waiting" says my grandmother

it is not until his youngest arrived

and four days later

that he left

"thank goodness your uncle was here"

it is repeated to me

"we wouldn't know what to do otherwise"

"it is good that he got to see all his children-

before."

"you made it just in time"

I wonder if he

my uncle I mean

feels guilty for having waited so long

he was sat right next to him when it happened

the last person to see him alive

The prodigal son returns

to acclaim.

His grandchildren

my grandfather I mean

will be able to attend his funeral

because it is so close to the beginning of term

that they can afford to take time off

(nothing is said of the two youngest grandchildren

who have diplomas this month

unlike their university-going cousins)

"I don't think he really had a choice

but it's like he planned it, it all worked out so well"

January 13, 2018 A 12.48p