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[liveoria]

Dead inside

When I was 16 i moved from a place i had been living at for about 8 yrs. I think all the emotional and physical abuse I had suffered till then was nothing compared to how dead i felt inside and how dead i've been feeling since then. I was so happy. It's not like I'm not grateful for what i have now but back then i felt stuff other than anger and pain and fleeting moments of joy. I didn't realize how fulfilled and happy i was at that time and now I miss me and the place where I lived and most of all Everything i could feel.

P.S: Eyes so teary i can see the keyboard

[liveoria]

I'm such a drama queen. Crying in the metro hoping someone would look after me maybe the start of something new. Thing of running away. Relapsed again. Fell and crashed. Was hoping and praying i was getting better. Sad. So sad. Feel cold, alone, scared . Sniffling loud. Can't stop crying. Everyone is scared of me. Everyone hates me. Everyone puts up with me. I hope I find peace. I will try because I wanna live. I wanna find love and be strong enough to not push it away. I am gonna take care of myself in even if no one else does. Train's taking off. Maybe it was waiting for me to find the answer. I might fall but I'll pick myself again. I love me and I'll do everything I have to do to make myself healthy peaceful and happy

[liveoria]

Maybe I should color my hair

via weheartit

[liveoria]

And I try to stay there but I float up (u think being chubby I'd gonna let you be under a Lil longer...) Anyway when I start to float up to the surface I see that pattern the sunlight makes; it's warmth reaching me yet not touching me. A moment i wish I could hold on to a Lil longer. Then I come up to the surface and lie there with the water getting into my ears and my legs sinking a Lil lower and lower until I'm standing.

[liveoria]

can't even hurt myself right

[liveoria]

via weheartit

[liveoria]

[liveoria]

Smoke dreams

[liveoria]

the truth

“how beautiful they are,

as if their bodies did not impede them”

— Messengers, by Louise Glück

[liveoria]

I don't know who I am anymore. I thought I was figuring it out but now I don't know who I was trying to be like. The old me? The real one? I don't know what to believe, who to trust, what to listen to my heart or my mind. I feel like the emptiness in me is being filled up by a cloud of distractions. If only the world would stop spinning. Im tired, I can't do this anymore but there I am getting up every day putting on a smile all the while feeling like I'm stuck in a dream.

[liveoria]

on trauma:

1. “and I never knew survival was like that. If you live, you look back and beg for it again, the hazardous bliss before you knew what you would miss.” (ada limón, from “before”)

2. “The consistency of hurt is what makes it so comforting.” (william nu’utupu giles, from “what do you want? it’s not that simple”)

3. “A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort.” (gillian flynn, from “sharp objects”)

4. “When you’ve had a bad experience, you sometimes feel compelled to recreate it in a way that allows you to control it. It’s like you’re attracted to the very thing that bothered you because you’re not done with it- you need to fix that moment so you can move forward. Oscar Wilde said, ‘a burnt child loves fire.’ For me, that means being able to explore things that have been traumatic or you’re not so sure about. The sources of terror in childhood can become the sources of attraction in adulthood.” (todd hido, from “on landscapes, interiors, and the nude”)

5.

(ingmar bergman)

6. “This body knows fear like a front porch knows welcome—it is always coming home.” (brenna twohy, from “swallowtail”)

7. “I liked Hell. I like to go there alone relieved to lie in the wreckage, ruined, physically undone. The worst had happened. What else could hurt me then? I thought it was the worst, thought nothing worse would come. The nothing did, and no one.” (marie howe, from “magdalene: the addict)

[liveoria]

My trust issues are so bad that idc if people break my trust anymore

[liveoria]

Running out of breath

[liveoria]

I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of the same lows and lower lows. This is not me. I don't like this me. I hate myself. Earlier there was a time when I was depressed and I woke up and thought 'fuck I'm still alive' and I'd feel this feeling of dread in my chest literally. I realised I can't run or move away from it cuz it was me. I wanna fuckin die

i think i’d rather just die

[liveoria]

[liveoria]

I want to go back to when I could get up in the morning without feeling the weight on my chest and worried about what’s going to happen. I want to go back to when I wasn’t so worried but instead was happy. I want to go back to the time when I fell in love with my best friend. 

[liveoria]

Why do some people have to suffer more

Why do some people have to be sad

I feel like a bad person but  I know I’m not  but I hate this person I am right now