lizziehorton-blog - Tumblr blog

lizziehorton-blog · 7 years

Text

The life behind the victimized

We all have a story in life, many stories in fact as well travel through life. We gain a sensor of who we are, the liberty of sticking to our choices no matter what people think, purpose is important, morals are subjective. Of course we learn many more life values but these are some I feel match the story Im about to tell.

Im tired of crying . Im tired of yelling. Im tired of being sad. Im tired of pretending. Im tired of being alone. Im tired of being angry. Im tired of feeling crazy. Im tired of feelin stuck. Im tired of needing help. Im tired of remembering. Im tired of being different. Im tired of feeling empty inside. Im tired of feeling worthless. Im tired of not being able to just let go. Im tired of wishing I could just start all over. Im tired of dreaming of a life I will never have. Im tired of trying. Im tired of breathing. Most of all Im tired of being tired!

Im sure many of you can relate to some of these feelings. I know I can as these are all feelings Ive felt at least once if not several times in my life. I feel I need to explain why Ive felt these and what may have contributed to these feelings.

It started at a young age really.,, I learned very quickly the view of the world around me, feelings , emotions, thoughts, beliefs. Its part of the cognative stages of childhood devlopment. Which is very important for ones well being later on in life. And this is where I begin to tell you where this is going. Of course Im sure your wondering. Bullying… Yes I said it. And Im sure youve experienced it wether it be the aggressor or the victim. In my case I was both. And there was reasons as to why.

This story may get sad. So prepare yourself. Everything Im about to tell you ties into one another. And explains so much of the person I was, and who I am today.

My trust was broken at a young age ( around 7ish ) as I was sexually assulted by someone who was suppose to protect me. Be my guidence in life. I remember waking up in the middle of the night being told not to say a word I bad things would happen. Such as getting into trouble and many other excuses as I do not remember at this moment. I was scared and confused as to what was going on. Here is where some of the previous emotions come into play. I was sad, felt different, needing help,crying, and most important remembering. I was tired of remembering the several events and to this day I still am.

This was the very first event in my life where I realized life can be terrible. I learned much more as I progressed through life. In school I was bullied verbally, socially, and physically. Did you know that bullying can affect someone 4 decades into thier future. 4 DECADES! Bullying can cause someone so many issues. Again the feelings above. Such as feeling worthless, feeling empty, sad, being alone, pretending to be ok, being angry, letting things go. I felt all these.

It started off by name calling, teasing, pushing on the play ground. Yeah no big deal right…. Well it took a huge downward spiral once I hit junior high and high school. The name calling, teasing, and pushing continued but in a much more agressive manner. The name calling went from juvenile to agressive. Such as stupid, idiot, ugly to slut, bitch, nasty and so on. I remember in junior high I had a huge crush on this popular boy. All the (popular) girls knew it and felt it would be funny to play a funny little joke on me and tell me that I this boy liked me as well and that he wanted to date me. I was so excited! ( Possibly slighty naive also) They told me he wanted to talk to me at recess. So of couse at recess I went to talk to him. The whole school was around! Ok well maybe not the whole school but at the time it felt like it. They all wanted to watch thier evil trick in play. The boy told me I was a fat nasty slut and that he never said he would date me. Which was true he didnt. It was all a sick joke. Some mean girls shit right there.

I was assulted several times for no reason. Had my head bashed into a brick wall. Punched in the face. I remember having a boy in junior high forced his hand down my pants. A few years later the same boy was in the back of the vehicle that transported 3 or 4 kids to a vocational school playing with this… well you know what. Calling myself and another girl names and trying to force our hands… well you get the picture.

I had gum thrown in my hair, things knocked off my desk, and so on.

I learned a few things from all this… There is no way to make yourself less bullyable, Bystanders are worse then the bullies ( true even my own friends watched me get my face smashed into a brick wall!), The desire to lash back can become unbearable ( I became a very mean person as I felt it was the only way to stick up for myself and I became a very angry teenager/young adult), and most importantly you can survive that shit and walk away a better person.

Now as an adult Ive been through many other events such as being mentally, physcally, emotionally, and sexually abused. I dont need to get into details now. Maybe another time as this blog is already getting very long. Ive gone through alot of dissapointment in life. In which has made me who I am today. The good , the bad, and the ugly.

I stuggle everyday with anxiety. Which was caused by events throughout my life. My brain never shuts off. I turn a mole hole into a mountain as my mother would say. At times I feel Im not good enough, I get sad, I feel crazy, empty, worthless, tired of remember, cant let go of things and so on.

Im learning that life is what you make of it. You can choice to be mad about all the things youve been though,feel sorry for yourself, feel down, depressed,having a low self esteem, ext. But doing this just breeds negativity which can be very unhealthy. You choice your path in life. How to control your emotions and feelings. Yes it can be hard to get your emotions and feelings in order but it can be done. With lots of work! Hell Im still working on making myself a better person. It can be a daily struggle at times. Trust me.

You have beliefs in who you are. So if you think negative there for you become. You think your ugly, fat, stupid… there for you become. So next time you feel a negative thought or feeling about yourself… try and reframe it, transform it and see a strength rather then a weakness. Sometimes its hard seeing a strength in yourself. The stregnths are there I promise. You just need to find them! The trick is to see things from a different more powerful perspective.

1 note · View note

lizziehorton-blog · 7 years

Text

The life behind the victimized

It started at a young age really.,, I learned very quickly the view of the world around me, feelings , emotions, thoughts, beliefs. Its part of the cognative stages of childhood devlopment. Which is very important for ones well being later on in life. And this is where I begin to tell you where this is going. Of course Im sure your wondering. Bullying... Yes I said it. And Im sure youve experienced it wether it be the aggressor or the victim. In my case I was both. And there was reasons as to why.

This story may get sad. So prepare yourself. Everything Im about to tell you ties into one another. And explains so much of the person I was, and who I am today.

It started off by name calling, teasing, pushing on the play ground. Yeah no big deal right.... Well it took a huge downward spiral once I hit junior high and high school. The name calling, teasing, and pushing continued but in a much more agressive manner. The name calling went from juvenile to agressive. Such as stupid, idiot, ugly to slut, bitch, nasty and so on. I remember in junior high I had a huge crush on this popular boy. All the (popular) girls knew it and felt it would be funny to play a funny little joke on me and tell me that I this boy liked me as well and that he wanted to date me. I was so excited! ( Possibly slighty naive also) They told me he wanted to talk to me at recess. So of couse at recess I went to talk to him. The whole school was around! Ok well maybe not the whole school but at the time it felt like it. They all wanted to watch thier evil trick in play. The boy told me I was a fat nasty slut and that he never said he would date me. Which was true he didnt. It was all a sick joke. Some mean girls shit right there.

I was assulted several times for no reason. Had my head bashed into a brick wall. Punched in the face. I remember having a boy in junior high forced his hand down my pants. A few years later the same boy was in the back of the vehicle that transported 3 or 4 kids to a vocational school playing with this... well you know what. Calling myself and another girl names and trying to force our hands... well you get the picture.

I had gum thrown in my hair, things knocked off my desk, and so on.

I learned a few things from all this... There is no way to make yourself less bullyable, Bystanders are worse then the bullies ( true even my own friends watched me get my face smashed into a brick wall!), The desire to lash back can become unbearable ( I became a very mean person as I felt it was the only way to stick up for myself and I became a very angry teenager/young adult), and most importantly you can survive that shit and walk away a better person.

You have beliefs in who you are. So if you think negative there for you become. You think your ugly, fat, stupid... there for you become. So next time you feel a negative thought or feeling about yourself... try and reframe it, transform it and see a strength rather then a weakness. Sometimes its hard seeing a strength in yourself. The stregnths are there I promise. You just need to find them! The trick is to see things from a different more powerful perspective.

1 note · View note