ljpaul95 - Tumblr blog

[ljpaul95]

thought dump

Am I really in my own space if I live with my family? I noticed that I have been depressed since I came back home. I still lean towards traveling and having a purpose to travel. What have been on my mind lately is how all of our lives we have been around people every single day in school.. and all of a sudden we aren't around people anymore. I think I have been used to doing stuff with them and having to challenge myself to do better than my peers, which is crazy to me cuz I have never felt this alone. Last night, I dreamt that Michael Scott from fucking The Office was in love with me and did absolutely everything to let his charm be seen. In my dream, I had already have a boyfriend but in my dream it was another guy and I think that other guy was someone familiar. I had to take a breath for this. I think I love being babied by someone. Dood has his own love language but in all reality, I think I do like feeling seen and genuinely being cared for with its just us in this world and no one else conversation. Top of that, a plan. Dood and I do not have plans for anything. We have wishes like I do want to travel with him and fucking.. have the NEED to live with him. I do miss having to feed myself and knowing myself, I am able to cook for myself and tend to myself. Here, I am living in my parent's house; therefore, feel that I eat what they eat and isolate myself in my room and do whatever the fuck I do alone and feel alone. I have never felt so depressed in my life even though I should be grateful of things. Taking a breather is a must. There are a lot of shit I could've done as a human being yet I feel like a dog chained on a fucking leash and my job doesn't do jack shit but here I am imagining or even manifesting to win a lottery or even have Mr. Beast's money to do anything, and even then is when everyone that turns from me will look at me like I am a God when I ever even do have that kind of money and even then I will feel alone. I would still spend that shit but look at how far I have gone with money and still feel like I haven't gone the whole world in my room and not feel like it's enough. We always want more as humans. Nothing is ever really enough but what is more important and wish for more is that we have eachother. I can't even imagine how my mom felt when I came back home and my mom saw me after a year tho. I can't believe I wrote all of this and my point is I miss my friends and having friends that I get to do stuff with throughout the fucking day and laughing and having a good time and God am I fucking lonely :)) at least I am able to game with my friends towards the night. And writing is actually helping me calm down. Fucking hell, life dude. I really want to leave town so bad just to have something to do outside of town and fucking.. idk.. I'm always trusting in what God's next plan is for me, but I myself don't like to wait. I hate this sm. OK bye :D I think I'm back. Idk.

[ljpaul95]

peso

You never know what changed until you look back at what is being presented through old home videos. What didn't seem like it would happen, did. It's crazy how fast things are changing and it only seems as if my mom's generation is the last generation that is going to be attending church. I mean, the church is far away and that may be the big reason; if you are aware of what is even going on, you'd understand what you see in my perspective. I'm not even in my midlife, and I've been having crisis. Mostly thoughts on losing my mom. I know she is healthy, and I can be mad at her. It's already been like 6 years since I've attented job corps, 11 years off high school. I've been in my house this long to see the changes made. Maybe I'm going crazy and I should delete this shit. I'm 29 years old. I thought I would be dead by now with how mad my mind can be. Idk, maybe I need to lay down even more from society as I am now. I really wish that I could quit my job; I'm even scared that I am expecting a child with how messed up my cycle is. Maybe I should just do this and that with the money that I have; then I maybe should just say fuck it and rent a server with minecraft and keep this all behind.. 29. Who's even keeping up anymore. We're all just waiting to die at this point. I've been playing phasmophobia with the boys and gaming on cod. I've been important to a small circle that I've never thought would have me in their thoughts. What is my point? I just woke up. I saw my ex not that long ago from what I thought would be so easy to be friends with, yet forget how easy I arouse certain people. Life's been crazy. I'd still go back to when I would be walking to the dining hall at job corps with music in my ears and laptop in my bag, waiting to look like I'm doing something with my life. Tumblr is my baggage I can dump my load in and hope it's doing something. Why do I still even have this? I plan in my future to have a bigger desk and an apple laptop or even monitor so I can write. I can't write for shit with this keyboard and how weird I still am in the pc community :)). I miss how apple would casually have microsoft word in their apps without having to pay for shit. Here I am, waiting for the boys to wake up. :D

[ljpaul95]

first love.

Life's all about risks and what you want, isn't it? The adrenaline we gain from doing the little things that could potentially ruin us. Just to say what we always wanted to say. And just like that, that made me want to start writing again. The boost of happiness that caused me to do this.. FUCK. It was definitely reminiscing to see how much I've had impacted your life. I think I am only able to write where no one would be really able to read. No one reads anymore. I still want to be able to write. I still have good people on my back. There's things I want to do. I feel like I have so much time and have no time-- at the same time! Yet, I still know what to say and when to say it. Just like the msgs we have that I'll hopefully remember. If we still do be friends. That's so sad. I'm not sad that we're still not together. It's a cute sad. It's a 'I got to say what I had to say' sad. It did felt like a hug to me. I haven't told dood about it yet. Dood is the guy that I can trust. I still do keep my guard up. I feel as if we're done tho, it's gna hurt so bad. I'm not worried tho, he's extremely loyal. I am also, he's too cute. I might be heading to bed soon. Good night :) I feel like I've half-assed my writing. I think it's because I'm tired.

[ljpaul95]

is that you, lori?

I hope the person that said this to me can read this. I was absurdly overwhelmed that day, I am sorry. All the dreams of seeing you one day, hit me like an enemy in mw3. Apparently made me happy enough to write this bullshit. I am playing game and all I could possibly do is think about your smile. I honestly don't think it is possible to even write this and of all you, be him. That smile will stick to me like the fluoride that stuck to my teeth until I picked them out. I'm doing great. My energy is already being drained by the thought of your smile when all my love for you from 2017 was sucked in by your smile. Everything's been overwhelming and to even THINK that I wanted to end it all.. from what blessings have been poured onto me. The hard nights that had me to even have that option be to end me. There has to be something wrong with me. To overthink and underthink. To absorb so much information and to lose them at the same time. To be hyper focused and be bored the second my needs aren't met from my expectations. Something about my week gave me some sort of hope and it only seems with all my luck, I might as well try the lottery. It still saddens me to even hear any voice so similar to yours. I might've not said anything but most of my body language to speak it, only cuz even YOU knew... I do not talk to who was part of my life and parted from. At the same time, I have pretty much thought of all the things that could have happened. I could have easily been 'surprised' yet I was not. I could only reminisce the hugs and forehead kisses. I don't know. I could delete this soon after I feel better, but fuck it. If you do so happen to read this.. Do not hesitate to contact me. If you watch tiktoks, my username is L_ballin23; as so is the rest of my platforms besides facebook. This is sad to write, from how I am listening to Justin Bieber's Stay, UGH. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am happy with what you're doing with your life. I am happy I am also where I am in life. Not dead. At least not yet, but I am not in pain. The closest to someone like you is to hear this voice that doesn't really speak but once try to but I've ignored it because he's not mine :)). Anyways, I play game and I have two more days until I get to go live on tiktok again. Wish me luck bb.

[ljpaul95]

search and destroy

I've been fine. The depression is lowering, from me gaming a lot now. A lot of challenging players, but I am killing it. Right now, I'm with Mr & Mrs. Atneoson, Gerald, Qani, and Lorca559. I am suppost to be sleeping or in bed right now since I have work in the morning, but Hazel is on and I love to play with her. I plan on editing her videos for her tiktok. Next week, I want to challenge myself and wake up at 5 n it will depend on if Hazel will be playing at night or not. I want to spend my time crocheting and editing videos. I hate that my body is getting bigger, older, and weaker. Ok Lorca's calling Hazel mommy and I'm getting back on the game :))

[ljpaul95]

crashing

FUCK. Hi. Today is the day before my mom's birthday. I am singing which is unusual of me when my mom is around. I painted my nails and my toes. It's an ok day. It's a rare feeling to like living. I don't. I still think life is a scam. But everything is interesting that happens for a reason and I hope the big man upstairs miraculously let me in. I am big blessed on earth. I still love to write. It's been a fat ass while since I have even touched this computer. My boyfriend usually is on this to play minecraft since I have my playstation to be addicted to. The next goal for myself is to get a better desk because this is the reason I don't even sit here. I have a new gaming chair like I am set to possibly even stream yet again I am not a PC person. I play console. I have Moonra and Hazel and Gerald and many more good folks on that system to game with. I play with a big screen which I believe is fucking up my eyes. But whatever. Thanks for reading. I am going to energize myself by fking up my cramps with juice that has caffeine. <3

[ljpaul95]

life

I've been in a dark stage of my life again. It might've been triggered by what I used to always watch when I was growing up, but it's all we fucking do. We do us in life yet we do all the things: eat, shit, drink, laugh, cry; what more can we do besides almost open some sort of portal in Utah or wherever they tried doing that. I blink and I come from being so vulnerable as a small child introduced to looney tunes, almost explicit movies, and sex. Those are what opens me; the child in me comes out wanting to feel safe. I don't feel safe from my own emotions which is why I decided to write at this time with a tear running down my cheek. Alaskans taken almost all the time with no cops involved to solve any of it with my own niece one of the few to escape from one of those. What do you have to do to make money? This world is so dark and my boyfriend expects me to be ok with raising a baby. Dogs' lives being taken was my limit on how, what they say 'God picking his flowers', for me to not have a child. And for what? To draw closer to Him? Why is it bad for us to wonder why? We did not ask for any of this. We just exist. And most of us in these last days (of what I hear daily), walking on the highway to hell. I find myself amongst that crew easy just by not praying, but I do acknowledge how blessed I am from waking up. I want to do more; lead, praise, repent, etc. Then the raged 27 year old me, in the phase of being stubborn probably, just wanting to chill gorl just doesn't. I'm tired of impressing-- all we ever do is make money to spend money. Then eat and rest. I try to fathom the thought of me repeating this shit until I cannot do any of that. Even if I do enjoy what I do, we're on the same level if you think about it. No matter you making a difference or giving up; you are alive. We breathe this air, we itch the spot on our back that we cannot reach with the help of others or by using a certain item. We want more. I'm not sure when it will be my breaking point of wanting to live more, but living in Kipnuk where we are the back tooth where inflation is our yellow plaque slowly rotting us. I don't get how we struggle to even get paid enough to make it to bethel one way. I can go on forever buddy. I'm negative nancy tonight. This is the stuff that will smell funny. It's real shit that the back of your mind doesn't want to tell you until it's too late. It's the ex that stops talking to you, it's the cold dark nights with booze in the air and looking at the homeless person that hits you-- it's so dark. Idk, it's the-- giving the homeless person gatorade and hot water with tea lately. It's the-- giving the elder, whose grown ass son that doesn't give her rats ass, a ride home where her son suddenly finally starts helping and she thanks you. When is God coming? I'm not sure. Fuck.

[ljpaul95]

changes

I was going to write my fire anger last night until I got completely lazy that I decided to delete absolutely everything and watched some ball games then dood texted me that Leemon's house caught on fire, which is weird cuz I JUST got home from bringing dood home. I didn't see anything, but my subconscious mind was drawn to look at Leemon's house but as I am today: a capricorn that does not even bat an eye when someone is talking to me, I didn't see anything that explains how I don't fucking listen to anything. I swear I'm an out of mind character if this world is a simulation. But luckily for that house, Quent and Kendall saw what was going on and acted on it quick was God's plan B to use to have most of Kipnuk wake up to watch it burn. No; there were a bunch of men that were helping. I feel like it was sign for us all that everything burned except for (what I heard) the Bibles. My heart was racing from how much I wanted to help. I love to be involved in things that I am able to do but in this case, I felt as if I was going to be in the way or told to not because I am a woman. So much things were put to place perfectly because from how I looked at it: they were lucky it wasn't that much windy, that his house was next to the river, and that it was high tide. I was surprised at how high the tide was like it was planned. I'm not sure how things go in life, but as some people say: things happen for a reason. Leemon will be fine. He wasn't even in town. And even if he was, he can stay at his mom's. From what I heard, his mom and them were sleeping when it happened. They live next door to his house. The boys went to dood's brother's house to tell Kang and they put it out, but it happened again because it was so hot. Idk. I'm just writing what I heard. They ran inside to see if anyone was there. Nope. It started from the soot. So much things happened in Kipnuk: tiny pups was killed by the woman who claims she has it all with God, but who am I to judge; the principal was finally kicked out of here and was escorted to leave Alaska. Not sure if it's true, but whoever was involved also. I fucking miss open gyms after years of not playing. I'm just at home; always waiting to work or get paid. And tickle dood. And rotting my tooth. Alaska is so incredibly fucked with anything that we face, its annoying: inflation, principals, and did I mention inflation? Also, no one listens to us because you know, we're indigenous creatures. I'm getting cranky, so I'm probably done here. Goodnight <3

[ljpaul95]

starlink in ak?

Once again, this bitch hasn't been online for a while now. GCI seems to love to fuck Alaskans with a fat bill of 100 gigs a month and that's what we have to use for 3 weeks in the fucking month. A few of us bought starlink already. Today. I've been very water deprived. Very tired. My head is tilted to the right side and my eyes are already pretty heavy. I want to vibe again while I can using the damn internet instead of updating minecraft forge every single day. So so fun. Something about playing minecraft with my boyfriend with him using the big screen and me with my laptop listening to Meghan Trainor vibing to 'Made You Look'. I have no ideas to create anything on tiktok. Martin's been posting a shit ton of videos since we got the internet back on. We'll be able to watch a bunch of tiktok soon with Starlink and I am excited about that. Not a big gamer so that's what Alaskans been complaining about the rv version of it, so what I've heard. A LOT has happened since the last time I posted. Tiny pups was killed probably by the bitch who thinks she has it all with God. On a brighter note, they kicked out Ladoofy. FUCK MAN. That pressure put aside for all of us to be relieved like a rotten tooth that has finally gotten taken care of after getting free pass with AK healthcare. I wanted to write more about her, but I have nothing. The topic is basically stale soda that's been out a few days. I don't even want to really talk about work besides that your girl is a fucking beast. I found out I am able to lift a dryer with someone else. Well, it averages about 140lbs, but still! Compare that to a range. I'm content. My cardio and strength can be crazy at times especially since we're such short staffed. I just need a good massage. I've been aware of my situation as of emotional disaster. I'm just tired. <3

[ljpaul95]

jlo glow

It almost feels as if I deal with shit day by day. Yesterday was about the promo codes, today is my damn yahoo account. I sense that India rules the internet. It just feels as if they do. Day #2 with this gem and I am still loving the vibes. I don't know how my bf loves to get me shit. He got me the damn shoes last night that I was trying to purchase for free, now instead of fighting him about it, I'm trying to login to my yahoo account because your girl hasn't been checking her yahoo in a long time and today I found out that there's an account linked with it in order to change my password and a number I don't recognize. I tried calling customer service and in order to get my account back, I'd have to give my account information and it's money. Hell man. I shouldn't be wasting my time but I know that this is important cuz this is my facebook login info basically. It would be sad to lose that account only because all of my status, the photos, and friends that I have built up onto have on my facebook has my yahoo account that I can't even log into. The positive thing about today, so far, was that I tried a skin care routine besides the perfectly posh items that would tend to last long. My other shit should be here tomorrow. Right now, I use BFF, a exfoliating facewash following the jlo beauty serum then top it off with perfectly posh's 911 moisturizer. It feels hydrating. I wouldn't know what other steps I'd need but this is a first. The next thing I want to do is look into hand care things cuz winter kicks my ass when it comes to fucking with eczema. I hate that shit. Top of that, to look into what to get for dood since he loves to get me shit. I'm gna look into that.

[ljpaul95]

free promo

I've been avoiding being up in the early morning for a while. It felt nice until I started having watery poo's from the rain water that Martin told me about that would cause me to have that. I damn near got sick, so I might still experiment on that. I am a night woman from heart because of the days at job corps where I would unwind myself with Netflix and this wonderful website. After hearing that I might get in trouble for what I said, btw it was fucking true :), I haven't been writing since. I loved raw dogging my bullshit because no one likes to read in these days. I wouldn't know either who'd be reading them. If it's my used-to-be high school teacher, whether it'd be a staff member from job corps, my bosses, shit even a damn patient person like you who live off reading my pieces. I wouldn't know if there'd be any energy that comes off me that would latch onto you for you to take care of your needs to be sane. I'm not even sane myself, this is my total outlet for my thoughts. I played ball today and yesterday. It felt amazing to have to go an hour and a half without sitting. It might have been an hour but still, even today I played like an hour worth of game then sat down twice. You have to get it man I'm like 210 at best with this weight. Even I was impressed with what I did. Today was the day that my boyfriend walked in my house bringing in a whole box filled with what became such a huuuge game changer. My monitor, that he bought for me, came in. He'd have to explain it, but it's basically a cute curved monitor and what was best of it was that he let me keep the other one so I can multitask like he does when I chill at his house. I might just start doing this; writing whenever tf I want to and not only on my laptop either. Like damn. I got Spotify on my left screen with this website in the middle that I got from trying to get a damn promo code but was probably also a game changer, and I also got Facebook on with hope that any of my friends want to chat. I don't mind chatting but at the same time, we all get it. It's fucking exhausting to keep in touch. Everyone gets where they are at. I want to be the one to be quiet then have so much shit to say all of a sudden. Like dood. I love him because I practically absorb anything that he says besides numbers, computers, and space. He knows a bunch of things to be honest with you. I'm a little overwhelmed. <3

[ljpaul95]

day 4

I'm already half way through my water. I've been trying to contact customer service about an item but the damn internet cut us off. I'm gna have to try again. I woke up late this time because we had maqii. I don't mind though; I was sleepy yesterday so this time of the day is sort of a good time to wake up, but that morning wakes were different. I still lost 3lbs from drinking this water first thing. My foot fell asleep. I was planning on waking up early again and to make breakfast. My mom made breakfast and I will have some after my water is finished and I'm done talking to customer service. Fucking annoying. I might even have to chat with them tomorrow, ain't no introverted person between millennial and gen z talking to nobody. I hope I don't get sick soon cuz I want to play ball. Dood texted me this morning saying he had been sneezing and blowing his nose and probably caught the cold but was still working. I don't want to get sick especially when I am off and open gym or some tournament is gonna happen this weekend. I am excited to receive packages. Ok, my water is almost finished, I have shit to do :)) good morning!

[ljpaul95]

skin care

Day #3 with this somewhat routine of waking up early. Last night, i was actually really tired from the day of waking up early. I might have slept before 11 but I am not sure. I woke up before my alarm but after that I usually wake up because I didn't allow snooze. I still didn't incorporate reading into my schedule. I love reading but my mind is like "internet, social media" I would rather write than read. I might today then the back of my mind says "they're gna think you're tryna". I'm not gonna lie man, it's itchy season. My hands are dryer than a mf. I should be worried about my hands more than my face. My face is fine for now. I ordered some skin care shit, which is what I didn't think of being excited for. I ordered Jeffree Star cleanser and moisturizer along with JLO face serum. Very pricey to take care of face skin, but I had the money. I might as well try them out. I wanted to try that from Shane's snap. Also wanted to try Rhianna's skin care routine: Fenty Beauty. Shit was only $50 estimate on Amazon. I feel a little irritated from waking up early and how cherry always fucking lick himself when I'm trying to keep in state of mind. I'm almost half way with my drink. That's the thing too; drinking water is what I am doing in the morning and I won't make breakfast until my water is finished. I figured that writing in my tumblr until it is finished along with listening to music, which is a fucking vibe, will keep me to finishing it. It also distracts me from being on my phone which is what I have been doing for almost an hour. My routine is that I try to wake myself up by being on my phone first thing (even if that is considered unhealthy, this morning at least) then using the bathroom, washing my face, brushing my teeth, this doing this. Starting my day off vibing. I don't usually wash my face. I mean, I usually wet it with a paper towel and call it a day. I don't go through with this thoroughly, especially with these products. If I wanted to clean my face, I would wash it with dove soap and I would be fine. I don't know. I'm just trying to be patient, in reality, from receiving my packages. I always expect my shit to get here by the next week or so. I'm not sure when I ordered them, but they're all taking forever. I think I have my shoes in the mail right now with Panruk's shoes. He is gonna love what I got him; the doncic shoes. We're gonna match and his mom was happy that I ordered him ball shoes. Man I am excited and at the same time am mad cuz the little shit BETTER NOT grow :)) I don't like how they grow up fast. I still remember when I first tried to burp the kid and my mom said "you don't need to burp him, he will burp by himself". I bet I am disappointing my writing professors (as if they will care) becuase of how I am writing. Wtf did I learn in college that will change the way that I write? I don't care. There's auto correct and editors and even then, I don't want them to edit my shit. Whatever I write, is from me. Lori Paul. Martin said I have author vibes. My name itself look like an author name. I just realized that I am writing more than yesterday. You can definately tell that I am more than rested than yesterday. When I write, I try to give it my fucking all and not half ass it. Lately, I try not to offend anyone. Before that, I didn't care. I think it is my neck that is feeling pressured cuz when I am sitting that is when my neck hurts. Or shoulders. I'm almost done with my water, so I am gonna vibe. <3 sorry if my writing does not make sense, cuz even I don't know what I am writing. Waking up early does that shit to you :)) good fucking morning!

[ljpaul95]

indigenous day!

Good morning! This is the first time I am waking up at 5. I sort of enjoy waking up this early it's in the middle of being a midnight junkie and an early bird. I'm not gonna lie, my body does not like being up this fucking early, but this is my challenge for the rest of the week. My mind likes it and is still waking up. I want to make coffee. You know your girl does not eat or breathe coffee. It's still early, I don't care. My true self comes from writing this shit out. I want to eventually incorporate comedy eventually in my work. Tumblr is usually my output. Or is it called that? Input? I take angy out is what I am trying to say. I almost didn't want to wake up. I almost considered waking up at 6 which is in 6 minutes. I am still yawning. I drank almost a whole bottle already compared to yesterday when I couldn't really drink any. I hope that is a good thing. If I had a treadmill or a gym in my room, I think I would be walking on it right now to wake me up cuz at work that's what I do.

Anyways, indigenous day. HAPPY MF INDIGENOUS DAY! Honestly, I am happy for the steps our people are taking. It was just last year, I believe, when they had it start being that instead of that other name. You know, before he inflated our shit. I'm not political, but I'm just throwing anything around. I really really hope my blogs do not affect any part of my being towards the near future because I CAN be very blunt with things especially when I know I am a nobody. I just bring in bypass and kiss my bf watching Netflix and fucking.. pls don't :)) don't cancel me. It got close with job corps tbh that is another story to talk about in the future. Fucking hell man. The one thing I hate more than sugar killing teeth or whatever, is sneezing. Fuck allergies man. I can't even think right now. This is too damn early for a body whose mind thought "itch me violently" the night before. I'm still learning so I think many shit are interesting. Do I think indigenous day was a good thing? Absolutely fucking yes, but I think they used that shit to pacify things that were going to get worse especially Alaskans was that inflation. This gave 9/11 vibes. Not exactly the same, but I don't matter so throw that shit in the rest of the conspiracy pile like the rest of my damn blogs. It makes me wonder what our, YES OUR, principal in the local school has planned for today. I was told she was supposed to be gone yet is still lingering around. Hire me dammit. Do you know how nice it sounds to work at the school right now? Summers off, yes baby. I'm happy for OGs.

I've been avoiding speaking my own language. Not sure if I should talk about it on tumblr. It sounds more like a book content cuz it has so much things to cover than on a damn blog. Fucking bullies man. That's all I have to say. I might start cooking my shit, it's been almost an hour since I started writing this. It's not the best work but what is when you're used to waking up this hour thinking about how cold I am right now that is keeping my eyes from shutting and how I'm gonna have to pee soon and how fucking.. I need to eat and am thinking of making breakfast quesadilla. I'm sorry :)) GEE EM <3 tumblr has all of my shit posts ask her. Think I found my new title lol

this is me after fkn posting this sad shit: I'm sorry :)) this is a half assed writing. This is what I don't like about forced writing. My neck hurts, this keyboard sucks from using mac almost all my life. Life sucks is what I should post from how dirty I feel. Meh. I think I am just.. shy? It's always been me. It's fucking me. Writing by myself has been what I am yet since I posted that I do post on my tumblr, the anxious feeling of having someone read my shit is just absolutely fucking terrifying because as a fellow Capricorn, I do not take criticism easily. My mind automatically thinks FAILURE. I'm hungry now, so.. I'll talk more tomorrow.. hopefully :)) tumblr was and always a part of what takes my anger out and using it as like a daily vlog is almost crucial to me but I do my best to bring out vibes. ok ;)) gm.

[ljpaul95]

dry lips

It's funny how I am able to title my blogs without anyone knowing, or even caring to know what I am going to be talking about. The damn thing is that I am not very much used to typing with this damn keyboard. Maybe it's from waking up early, idk. Starting this blog off, not sure what to talk about besides that we are not being cared for enough. Do you know what I mean? Not only talking about how, idk, our current principal is not supposed to be here (yes, I am speaking as if I am in school); but Alaskans in general. We finally have an Alaskan representing Alaska. My hearts go out to those that lost their sister/brother/uncle/mom/cousin/etc. that is Alaskan and is missing. No one fucking cares. Are we the next minority that is completely left out of our society that no one cares about? "oh they drink" "Ah, they always ran away" That's not even the fucking case! The fact that nobody cares about me writing about this in 2022-- I mean THAT I understand. I don't post about my blog enough or that even if I do so, I'm barely read like that dude (that is cool btw) in delta discovery that actually knows how to make sense AND takes up half the page. If I wrote this fucking much and do not understand what I am talking about as an Alaskan Native, get the fuck off my page. So many people disappeared this year as if a whole new Dahmers showed up in town for more content on Netflix. But listen: a whole fuckload of them probably don't even drink. I don't understand in what psychopathic mind decides they need to kill a minority. And that's the thing; we are the next minority if that makes sense. What the fuck am I talking about-- We have BEEN a minority. How is that even a thing where cops STILL don't do their fucking jobs. But who am I to say when I am not a cop. My heart is in rage for those that do not have that kind of voice to talk about it, just to facebook. I read that shit like they're family.

I am going to have to cool off now. It's been a few minutes after sipping the first bottle of water I drink 7:35 in the morning itching my damn scalp because I didn't dry them enough last night so that I can wake up this early to download Davinci Resolve for this desktop for future edits of videos. That, and I want to wake up early even if I absolutely fucking hate mornings. Idk I did like waking up early at job corps before, but thinking about it right now; I used to want to wake up before my exes thinking that was a step to recovering myself and also listening to classical music to calm the beast inside me that might have thought of wanting to do things I was able to control. I mean, I have been struggling with the thoughts of suicide NOT that I was going to. But had friends that did. I cannot fathom the idea of what they went through. I wanted to take it back. Their lives. They were such great kids. It only made me wonder why. Why did it feel like it was a fucking tide pods trend to have them be the ones to feel as if they wanted to do such a thing. I wished to have taken their demons because I, myself, wanted to hurt myself. Because with my 22 year old self, I thought it made sense that I wanted to hurt myself because of the fact that I exist and how much pressure it was for me not to pray, to be bullied growing up, to be molested at a young age, to not understand why it was suddenly hitting me that I was. I felt like religion saved me at the time from feeling those feelings, like a drug that numbed me throughout those years. Then it just suddenly hit me; all the bullying and the.. I don't even want to use that damn word. I just realized that I have NEVER talked about my background. I didn't care to, but this is about me building up some sort of content for this website that I CANNOT do with vlogging. I mean, I have the exact equipment that vloggers CAN have like cameras, desktop, software that is currently downloading, and the internet for it now. It's a slow process. I think I am now realizing that I can be myself in front of the camera, it's just that my mind goes from one topic to the other like in this vlog. It's a long vlog. I am surprised that I have not focused on writing for so long only because my content would be about my boyfriend and even that is another topic from how I think talking about my boyfriends jinx me from having a boyfriend :)). He's honestly fucking insane from how beautiful he is in all that he can be; a fucking nerd. Just someone I can absorb all of my information on. I feel like we feed off our nerd vibes. I am not much of a nerd. In my explanations: I stutter, I mumble, I forget words and he asks "thing?" cuz my mind works wonders on how I am so flabbergasted on how far I come to learn English and explaining shit I never thought I would as a kid. This is slowly what I wanted. It's a fucking process. But anyways, I need to eat. This is amazing. I'm happy to have found this damn website. That's the thing too. It's been a few years since I left job corps and I always wonder if I should talk about job corps in a, what feels like fresh, out of job corps alumni matter when I am about talking about the place. Forbidden ass website that could have possibly kicked me out of job corps for what I said. I love you :)) GM.

[ljpaul95]

possible posts coming!

It's so nostalgic to be using a desktop to be writing on my tumblr. Modern music in the background, my damn hands not used to the keyboard, and the sun. I've always wanted to have a desktop of my own. Thanks to my boyfriend. He made it possible. This comes to know that I am very much used to mobile texting with all the auto correction. I am going to need to get used to an actual keyboard that is VERY much different with using apple's laptop. Here I am on a Friday morning and I am feeling great right now. I found out that somebody I was inspired to write by unfriended me on facebook. Not exactly the first somebody that I have looked up to did that to me; which was to hurt me. Also, why would I care? The last time this happened, which was not the first, was when I played with somebody that called me a fucking trader after a basketball game. I was fresh out of high school. No. My second year. I always tell this story to those that are close to me. I made this team named Jordanettes. I named us. I also created us. Toksook came to my town to participate in a game that would probably fund raise kids in school or whatever. There was only 2 or 3 in the team and they asked me to play. I said yes. We had no subs. They did. Haha. You can guess who won by the way she said trader. I went for a high 5 after the game. She was sitting by her husband and she did not high 5 me. Her husband saw my eyes tear up and he goes, "good job, Lore". I never spoke to her again, but then Naknek happened and I was told after the season was coming to an end where I was sent home that she was drunk and worried about my whereabouts that I think I forgave her. This past weekend, she walked on the floor saying she HAS to be in my team. Again, I had to let that go. What I learn from those that I looked up to only teach me to be supportive to those that may look up to me too. But then again, I hope this continues to build my character (as they say). I want to keep writing, but boss wants me to order shit on amazon. Toodles :)

[ljpaul95]

I hate fall. This cold, dry air brings my sensitive ass back to how beautiful life was when I left town for reasons. God. First of fucking all. I did not even write in so long omfg. Nobody reads my content.. fucking cunts. It’s probably right that this could be my spot to spit on everything. My anger that was built up from working for a few years to depression that doesn’t have any justice to why I’m so damaged on the inside. I’m so precious, yet so obnoxiously filthy. GCI still sucks. My life has been a warm honey bucket that has been sitting in the sun far too long with its stench seeping to bystanders passing by holding their breath. Dare I fucking say I know how people are finally like in the village? We share the same insanity. The same anger: no money. Always money. If I could strangle the fucktard himself who decided to fuck Alaska deep in the ass & had the biggest cum of inflation, I’d be one happy bitch. Writing always was a place for me. I haven’t been posting not one piece of art for you. Not a lick. Fuck the village. Fuck time. Fuck death. Fuck the council members. Fuck the police. Fuck the guys who can’t get their sorry asses out their house to let me have one day off work and suck on ‘I need a sub’’s dick. Damn, that felt good to say huh. Work sucks! If I could just live at the school and come home sometimes sound like a delightful thing to do. I could orgasm from the thought of that from time to time. The Lord do be blessing the employees that work at the school. I couldn’t think to imagine working with kids, but the summers off?? In the words of that village creep that’s been trying to message me for a few years ‘mmm…’. That’d be nice to even work as a janitor. That way working all year means I’d have the whole summer off and a chance (in retrospect; I mean, I’m not even fucking vaccinated and the shit I’m writing is my illusion and a small piece of distraction in life to keep myself alive) of heading to naknek to work as a cannery worker again for the nostalgia of when I first started my adulthood without alcohol (which btw: also fuck alcohol. I don’t drink and so shouldn’t you). Too bad I’m not close to anyone there or the council because all they do is hire family, am I not wrong? Wake up :)) jk I’m getting sleepy but this was such a savage piece of my own. At least I’m not at job corps anymore. Even if today and lately comes to shit, I’m here to not only not kill myself but to say heeeeeey sup! <3 love you all.