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Well Tumblr,

I guess this is goodbye. I hoped it wouldn’t come to this but I did it for us. You have no idea how many nights I stayed awake looking for some way to avoid this and yet I did it anyways. I hurt you. And I am sorry. I hurt you in the worse way possible and that was by telling you we should move on. I never wanted to move on alone. I wanted to do it together. And now that I did it I feel empty. You made me whole and now i’m a shell of what I was. I can’t imagine how you must feel. Hurt and betrayed, was everything I told you a lie? Absolutely not. I want to be with you. I want to wake up to your face in the morning and your face I see when I close my eyes. I want you to be the only person I actually care about and be the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. But… I don’t think it’s time. As much as I want to wait for you, I don’t know when it’ll be time for us. I want you with your problems, your flaws but not like this. I was still upset, still angry but i can’t say anything anymore.

What I can say is that I love you. I will always love you. You are and will be one of, if not, the greatest person I’ve known. I want to still be with you. Be part of your life. I want you to be part of mine. I’ve learned that maybe moving on is best for both, maybe it’s not. But if you ever decide to leave me, I’ll be here waiting for you. We can talk normally. Be friends. You say it’s impossible but I know you better than most, I would be the greatest friend. I care about you. I care about the gremlin. You guys were always important to me. But if you feel that you can’t stand to even see anything related to me then I understand. I wish you the best. Because that’s all I ever wanted for you. The best. Whether it was from me, or, sadly, from someone else. I never wanted to hurt you but this is the worst thing I have done.

I will miss telling each other how much we loved one another. How we reassured each other that no matter what we felt we were there for each other. All the dirty and sexy talks we had. The silence I created when I looked at you doing the most normal thing. I will miss your playlists that you created for me and I spent a whole year listening to. I will miss all the couple things we did. But most of all. I will miss you. I don’t know where we are anymore. I want you still but I don’t know how you feel. I will always love you and if the gods feel generous, we’ll find each other again. After all, they say third times a charm am I right?

I will miss you. I hope I am still part of your life. If not I wish you the best. I never regretted you being my first love. I never regretted kissing you in your hallway. I wouldn’t mind doing it again. But whenever you’re ready. Take care my love. I love you.

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I honestly am getting tired, i really don’t know how long I can hold on for…

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The fact that he calls her that and she lets he slide pisses me off

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Another sleepless night

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With you, the world is a little brighter

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Man I’m just gonna complain always aren’t I lmao… I give up

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me [completely out of touch with my feelings, trying to describe an emotion]: I feel, um, glittery? buzzy. like peeling my skin off

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me @ the stars: help me

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Whatever i don’t care what happens anymore

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“It’s still you, it always has been you, it always will be you.”

— B.D (hatin)

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“I get way too sensitive when I get attached to someone. I can detect the slightest changed in the tone of their voice, and suddenly I’m spending all day trying to figure out what I did wrong.”

— Brandon Stanton (via perrfectly)

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Heyo

I find it kind of funny how I say that the previous one is the last but it never is. Will this be the last? Or will there be a continuation? I don’t know. Tell me do you want me to stop or continue?

I’ve noticed that this page is not what it was anymore. I used it for whatever I wanted but now... it’s not for whatever. It’s for you. I never realized that I would use my platform for one person and mainly one person now, it feels kinda…weird? Not really to be honest. I thought it should be weird, strange, unusual but it’s not. Not considering you’re on my mind pretty much 24/7.

I start my day by waking up alone. Without you by my side. But I know that if you could you would be here with me. Nothing would bring me joy other than seeing your face when I wake up early in the morning. But I can’t so the next best thing is seeing your messages. Sometimes it’s just random stuff that you sent while I was sleeping and other times it’s the cutesy “I love you baby” or “ I love you mi amor”. And honestly if I was superman I would fly out of my bed and through my wall out of bliss that those words were the first I saw in the morning. I love and hate when we video chat because I love being able you see your beautiful cute precious face and I hate it because you’re not in front of me. I would sacrifice my cousins foot to have you always by my side. (Now why not my foot? Because I need both feet to carry you, duh.)

I’m gonna be honest. I’m scared. Yes of heights, and escalators but most importantly I’m afraid of losing you. I lost you once and honestly it felt terrible. I felt like shit thinking what did I do wrong? But I didn’t do anything wrong. It just didn’t work did it. God decided to intervene in my life and take away somebody that was really special in my life. And honestly I don’t care what God wanted to do because I wasn’t satisfied and neither were you. I came back and wanted you more than ever. I don’t know what the future holds…but right now I’m holding you. And that’s all I care about. As long as I’m holding you, I don’t care what gets thrown at me …I have you and that’s all I want and need right now.

I’m not sure if I’ve written this before or not but most likely have. But I love you. And I’m not just saying it to say it. I mean it. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I-l-o-v-e-y-o-u. I love you. I want you to get that through your head. No matter what I love you. I’ll always be there for you. Remember that no matter how much you may want to deny it. I’m here for you I’m not the greatest in the world, not the best, not the goodest, but I’m there.

Please remember… I love you 💕

Till next time

-L

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Hey

I remember when I joined that party and you were there. I was invited by a friend because he said we got bitches and mad guys to play games with and I figured it was a good way to interact with people. I joined and I met you. I didn’t know who you were or what you did. All I knew was that we were two strangers that might become friends. We did become…more than just friends. You invited me to hang out with you and our friend to eat and I was happy. It was the first time that ever happened to me. I went and when I saw you I said to myself, “Wow, she looks really nice.” We ate and hung out and it was all normal. I never expected anything more.

Time passed and we got closer, closer to the point where it became us two doing things mainly. We played, we talked, we did a lot of things together. It scared me how much we were alike, it wasn’t a bad scared but more like, “Man, we’re really so stupid scared.” And it all started when I met your friend. The way he treated you made me upset and jealous. Why? I didn’t like you or anything… or did I? It upset me how he treated you vs how he treated me. I was always second when it came to him. And that’s what I started believing. He was your friend that you knew longer of course I was second or third or fourth or fifth etc. I couldn’t be the first because I was never the first. But you had to say it. You had to tell me you liked me. After that I believed everything you told me. I wanted to make you the happiest girl in the world. I took you out on dates, a bought you food and you kissed me first simply because I was afraid to make the first move. I realized that I had some intense feelings for you and you told me the same thing. I thought I could make you happy but I felt like I couldn’t. You trusted me with your past and I felt like it was my responsibilty to fix that broken heart of yours. I became selfish believing that I should be the only one to make you happy. That I wouldn’t hurt you or make you go through what you went through in the past. I did this without asking you and I realize now, that’s why I’m the worst. And then everything changed.

I went months without talking to you and you didn’t talk to me. Out of everything I did, you left in a heartbeat. I felt hurt and betrayed and truly wanted to forget you. But some part of me didn’t, some part of me thought that it wasn’t fair. How could it end just like that? There was nothing that built up to the conclusion. It just happened. And then you messaged me. Apologized for what had happened and wanted to take the blame for yourself. I should have let you in all honesty. But it really was my fault too because from the start I knew being with you wasn’t gonna be easy. But I did it because I wanted to. After catching up we decided to hang out here and there, talk and reminiscing about what we did before. But some part of me didn’t like it. Not the hanging out but the part where acted we were really fine. Which is why that one cold, chilly, and breezy day. That day I bought you McDonald’s and we ate outside that my hands were freezing. That day where you brought me inside to your house and tried warming my hands with yours. That day I wanted to confirm whether we actually loved each other still.

That day while you had my hands in yours, I pulled you close to me and I kissed you. The warmth of your lips was something that I missed. The feeling of my heart beating so fast that it almost bursted through my chest every time my face was near yours. I kissed you with the intention of getting slapped and told to leave. But instead it was the opposite. You grabbed on to me and I held on to you harder. Rubbing my cold hands on your warm soft back. You didn’t hate it, if anything you didn’t want me to stop. I thought you wanted me to leave but instead you wanted me to stay. I kissed you in that hallway with the intent of making you mine. But, I couldn’t stay. But I knew how you felt about me. That the way I felt about you was justified.

Everything sort if went back to normal but stuff had changed between us. One thing was we became more intimate, very intimate. I gave you my first and haven’t and won’t regret giving it you. I would lie if I said we didn’t do it a lot. Because we certainly did. That one night that is only referred to as “That Night” by far was one of the best nights of my life. I didn’t think I could do what we did that night and I wished I could relive again for the first time.

I think the closer we got the more attached I got to you. But was the issue, I again wanted to be that guy to protect you and make sure you didn’t go through what you want before. I wanted to be that guy the one you can depend on and make you think you didn’t need another guy. I loved you so much that I was willing to do anything to make sure that you can depend on me. And then you left again. But this time I knew. And this hurt more than when you left out of the blue.

I got upset. I got angry. I got depressed. The one person that I loved, the one I visited plenty of days, the one I talked to everyday from sunrise to sundown. All of that stopped. And I couldn’t do anything. I had to accept that you moved on and that I really couldn’t be there anymore. I’m devastated. How can I accept this? How can I be fine with this? Right when I thought I got closer to you you ended up getting farther from me. How can I be fine when I promised to do so much things for you but I couldn’t give you anything and you’re doing better over there than when you were with me? You just said all of those things didn’t you? Wait, I’m doing it again. I’m being selfish again aren’t I? Yeah, I am. How do you feel? I don’t care because you’re having fun and it’s not because of me. You’re doing better without me so it’s fine for you isn’t it. C’mon man, are you kidding me? Your told me you loved me still, that you missed are banters, you missed being with me. It was hard for you too wasn’t it? While it seems you are better than I, you do miss us don’t you? At least I still hope you do.

I realized the type of person I was and still am. I’m a toxic and manipulative person. I say this sad sap shit for you to feel bad for me only for me to tell you it’s not your fault it’s mine. I’m full of shit.

I can’t justify the resentment I had for you. You told me I was your first this or that but i never felt that way. You call me your bestfriend but i feel like I’m not even close. You told me I made you fee things yiu never felt before but I believed someone else could do better. You tell me you trust me but I feel like I have to try to get you to talk to me. I feel as if I have to try to understand you even though when I first met you I didn’t have to. Why do I feel like this? You don’t deserve this, this selfish sad sap piece of shit who’s always gonna say something because he’s upset that you’re doing better without him. But why am I like this?

Is it because growing up I had friends but didn’t have them? People I can talk to but never hang out with? I had this friend I knew since first grade and we were close. Here comes someone else that you don’t know but you invite me to your house, you invite him to your parties, to your trips… why wasn’t I invited. Why wasn’t I asked to hang out and if I was, why was I the last choice? “Hey, x, x and x are hanging out with me, you want to join us?” “Oh, I’m pretty busy, sorry.”

I wasn’t busy. I’m never busy. I’m always hoping someone thinks of me first but it never happens. I gave people money, I bought them food, I let some make fun of me. I did all of this because I didn’t want to become forgotten. I tried so hard to get people to like me that it put me in places I didn’t want to be. I didn’t want to be side lined after all I did. I wanted to make people believe I can be useful. I guess that’s why I try so hard for you.

I guess that’s why when it comes to you I get upset that you enjoy your life with out me being there because I feel you can forget me in an instant. I know you don’t need me, I know you can do what you want. I can’t tell you what to do. I hurt myself by thinking and hoping that I could be the only single special person in your life. When I met you I didn’t have to try to get you to accept me because you already did. Which is why I tried so so hard to be that one guy. Just that one. That one guy that can see you the most vulnerable you can possibly ever be but it won’t happen and I’m just clinging on to something that won’t happen.

I’m pretty pathetic aren’t I? You say that you don’t deserve me, but I don’t deserve you. The way you have me head over head for you I don’t deserve that. Someone that can take care of you, be there for you whenever you need them deserves you. You said that meeting me was one of the best things that could have happen to you. Even if it was hard from the start:

Meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I’m sorry for being selfish. I’m sorry for being manipulative. I’m sorry for doing the one thing I said I won’t do and that was hurt you. I don’t want to stop talking to you. I want to talk to you for as long as I live. I want you to be part of my life no matter how big or small. I want you there. I just hope that I stay in yours too.