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[llilywebsurfer]

I'm staying in tonight

I won't stop you from leaving

I know that I'm not what you wanted, am I?

Wanted someone who I used to be like

Now you think I'm not trying

Well, don't argue, it's not worth the effort to lie

You don't want to bring it up

And I already know how we look

You don't have to remind me so much

How I disappoint you

It's just that I talked to somebody again

Who knows how to help me get better

Until then I should just try not to miss anymore

Appointments

Ooh

I think if I ruin this

That I know I can live with it

Nothing turns out like I pictured it

Maybe the emptiness is just a lesson in canvases

I think if I fail again

That I know you're still listening

Maybe it's all gonna turn out alright

And I know that it's not, but I have to believe that it is

I have to believe that it is

I have to believe that it is

(I have to believe it)

I have to believe that it is

(Probably not, but I have to believe that it is)

And when I tell you that you that it is

Oh, it's not for my benefit

Maybe it's all gonna turn out alright

Oh, I know that it's not, but I have to believe that it is

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You're going to have to pry this 3DS out of my cold dead hands

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I pray for you every night. Everyday I hope you see the light. Praying you never feel like you have to cope. All I can do is trust and hope.

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My father once more places his hand on my face

It's so cold

Shock takes over me as I panic at how much time I can afford

I've had a fever and worsening cough for 7 days straight

Can I close my eyes again

I am so warm

He says

"What are you going to do when I can't take care of you"

What will I do

Sobbing a laugh

I faint a dreamless sleep

What am I going to do

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I am not built to be non-chalant.

If I think bringing it up Is fine to be annoying even through it's important, I need to emphasize it's important

If someone is too busy or ignores me they can deal with the consequences, not me

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Can't wait till my frontal lobe finishes growing maybe my seemingly bpd symptoms will just disappear and tie itself up

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Matilda (1996) dir. Danny DeVito

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Iain Reid, I'm Thinking of Ending Things

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I think the delusion is good until suddenly I remember walking alone 4 miles in a drizzle singing songs on Halloween night with no umbrella like a schitzofredic off her meds

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Life can be so great like after a bad day you open the freezer and find the butterfinger you put in there for a rainy day and it's a double size butterfinger and you can eat a frozen penutbuttery goodness and it sticks to your teeth and calms you down

[llilywebsurfer]

Lust, Disability, and Grace

In my previous post looking at the myth of Aphrodite cheating on Hephaestus with Ares, I talked about how love, war, and disability are intertwined in the myth through metaphor. Now, I want to discuss the divorce of Hephaestus and Aphrodite, and his later marriage to Aglaea.

After Hephaestus confirmed that Aphrodite was cheating, they presumably divorced, which led to Hephaestus marrying Aglaea. Aglaea (also known as Charis) is the youngest of the Charites or Gratiae (Graces). The Charites were attendees and a part of the retinue of Aphrodite. Additionally, Aglaea was the goddess of grace, beauty, splendor, glory, and adornment.

This could be interpreted as leaving a wild, lust-filled life to instead be on the path of settling down and being stable. Being with Aphrodite was surely adventurous, but also led to Hephaestus being hurt and feeling humiliated. While it's fun, it can be unhealthy.

I know from my experience, becoming further disabled led to me often feeling left out of the life I imagined myself leading. I had so many thrilling times before being disabled, and couldn't ever picture myself having fun like that again. Particularly early on when I started to recognize myself as disabled, I would often push myself to do the things I used to, but instead of having fun, I was seriously harmed in the process. I was stuck in a loop and wasn't learning my lesson.

What changed, for me, was some particularly bad, life-threatening wake-up calls leading to me swearing off trying to fit into an able-bodied box. It had been going on for too long already. But I still craved aspects of it.

I started seeking out accessible adventures, I started using my mobility aids without shame, I started being firm in my access needs and setting boundaries, and I found disabled community and people who respected me as a disabled person. Being disabled was still difficult, and still is, but I feel like approaching it with grace makes it a bit easier. Offering myself grace, holding my head high with pride, and adorning myself with the joys of our community is how I approach disability with grace.

The mighty disabled God being married to Grace feels so fitting. Being disabled can have its struggles but when you don't fight yourself in the process, it can be so beautiful.

Note: These are just some personal observations of the myths and some of the possible philosophical meanings that could be pulled from them. How you interpret mythos is entirely up to you!

[llilywebsurfer]

[llilywebsurfer]

Everynight~

I wipe my sink faucet head to bowl to counter

I use a bath towel i've used once or twice hanging from the door

It's dampened by the water that's splashes when I wash my face

I let the towel sop up the water on the floor too

I do not want mold growing or dry shampoo to stick to my counter

I hang up the towel

I leave the door open for circulation and turn off the light

I wake up

The door is closed

The light is on

The bowl has dried toothpaste spit

The faucet head is foggy with fingerprints

The mirror looks like splattered paint

The counter suddenly has matted dust from hair products

The floor swallows my toes in dripping cold

The towels are on the floor trapped behind the door