lminer21-blog

[lminer21-blog]

Why a Guru?

Life was frustrating, my body was painful to be in, my actions were selfish and defensive, my thoughts were divisive, my words were thoughtless and quick to judge......HOW, with all this going on inside and out does one find a better way to be?

WHAT did I want to be? I want, and still, want, to be compassionate towards myself and others. I want to love freely all I come in contact with.                         I want to be free.

I was angry and frustrated. I was always looking for something bigger than what I was living in. The desire was strong to find peace and love in a balanced yet passionate state and what was showing up seemed so shy of what was desired. I see and feel beyond the physical world. I know, truly know, with all my heart that there is a massive extension to this puzzle we live in. WHERE are the answers?? I wanted to grow into that massiveness, be a part of it, flow with it, understand it, even a little. How to start? Just start...meditation they say...ok...five minutes each morning and each night turned into 20, 45 and 60-minute sessions; the times varied, but the effort was there and a commitment was adhered to. I connected and saw more clearly my emotions and became more grounded in my life as it was. The questions never ceased, they actually became more complex and expansive in nature. I sought out those I saw as more connected than I, friends, yogis, readers of all modalities, metaphysical practitioners who could fill in my blanks with, in hindsight, the information I already knew but needed validation on. Still, the picture became broader with a weak intuition and lack of trust. WHO do I seek? Who will have all the answers? I found an enlightened master being and soaked up her sharing. I went to workshops and retreats to spend as much time with her as possible. Why not learn from one who has attained what you are looking for? She reached mastery through Sai Baba and his lineage, why can’t I? But, I was not ready...there was much more I needed to heal. I felt I had to clear the path on my own. Going solo was my plan for a while. I isolated myself in self, walks alone, time alone, yoga alone, reading alone, journalling alone. I barricaded myself in my self-inquiry, too afraid to let anyone in for fear they would create more disturbance to my shoveling, sweating, and hauling-away of old patterns. Please do not question me, or all this work will fall back into my path. Please do not disrupt my thoughts or I will lose my way through this minefield. I was very fragile and afraid of falling back into the heavy conditioning built up over a lifetime of family, friends, work, marriage, children, politics, religion, desires, disappointments, abuse and heartbreak. I thought the world was falling apart....it was, MY world was. My direct world was losing its prior foundation and I was frightened. Look it in the eye, do not back down, be a warrior, take that ram that you identify with and headbutt your way through this shit, push, push, push, go, go, go.  do.  not.  stop. You can be sick and tired but you must keep going, get better, be brighter, love more, and love deeper. You can do this and you deserve this. On it went. Many outward changes took place in my life but the true shift came from inside. My INNER world softened. I became more peaceful, loving, happy, joyous, creative and passionate. I liked, for the first time, who I AM. I knew I mattered to the world, my family and my community. I was ready to matter to GOD but how to see that? I needed a more masterful self than I. Subconsciously, I began looking for the right teacher. Through one of my spiritual-life-guide practitioners and on seeming whimsey I found my GURU; Louix Dor Dempriey, Bagavahn Sri Prananda, Beloved Guruji. I have anchored the peace and freedom sought. Yet, as before, the questions now become even deeper. The INTUITION needs strengthening. The knowledge being sought is now within the flow of life and love and without the fight, without the catapulting fear. The NEW JOURNEY is to create experiences without attachment. To love without judgment. To be peaceful in all things. To know I am love, loved, and not alone in all things. 

This journey in all its infinite levels continues and I will continue to speak. I look forward to the conversation, comments, and understandings from you. 

In Peace and Love, Linda