lndilndn

[lndilndn]

This is what all parents need to hear!!

(TW: mentions of drowning)

My dear lgbt+ kids,

Does your country have a "bogeyman", a story about a scary creature that parents use to frighten kids into good behavior?

The name and appearance of that creature varies from country to country (or even from family to family) and so does the specific behavior or the potential danger this story is meant to scare you away from.

One example of a bogeyman story is a creature that lives in the sea and grabs little kids if they play too close to the water. You can probably imagine the real reason why parents would want to discourage a young child from playing near water when unsupervised: the kid might drown.

It would be kind of comforting to believe the bogeyman exists, wouldn't it? A kid could just slip and fall in and drown. When a tragedy like that happens, we try to make sense of it. Where were the parents? Why didn't they react in time and saved the poor kid? Why didn't they teach the kid how to swim in the first place? Those other parents are so irresponsible, I would never neglect my kid like that... And just like that, I turned the parents into the bogeyman. We like to have someone to blame, be it a sea monster or the parents.

We like to believe our kid would never drown because that only happens to The Others™. The reality is obviously more layered than that, there were likely many complex circumstances and events that lead to the drowning. But we like to have easy answers for difficult questions. It makes the world easier to understand, less complex, less random, less scary.

Here is a slightly different version of the bogeyman story - the evil invader in the lgbt+ community.

The lgbt+ bogeyman invades the lgbt+ community for nefarious reasons. They force themselves into safe spaces and steal resources from the people who really need them. They divert attention from the important issues and instead make everything about their silly, made-up "problems". They are the reason why people don't take the lgbt+ community seriously. They make life so much harder and more dangerous for the real lgbt+ people!

It's a scary story... but just like Nelly Longarms who haunts your local sea, pulls kids underwater with her long green arms and eats them for breakfast, the lgbt+ bogeyman doesn't exist. It's just easy to blame them. It's comforting to have someone to blame.

Beware of the bogeyman story. Take a critical look at easy, one-layered answers, at any story that paints a group of people as the ones to blame/inherently bad/The Other™.

With all my love,

Your Tumblr Dad

[lndilndn]

Introducing....LULU!!! <888 My darling baby cat, he works so hard for me everyday shredding them cabbages :')

Lulu appreciation post <8888

[lndilndn]

BAWLING

𝗚𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗥𝗲𝗺𝗲𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿 ┊𝐌𝐚𝐫𝐤 𝐋𝐞𝐞 ┊,…,

＃Gᴇɴʀᴇ — angst, death au

＃Pᴀɪʀɪɴɢ — Mark Lee x Gender neutral!reader

＃Wᴏʀᴅ Cᴏᴜɴᴛ — 4.006 words

＃Wᴀʀɴɪɴɢ — idol death/suicide, alcoholism, attempted suicide/self-harm, cursing, drug intake, hallucinations, mental illness, argument between reader + the dreamies, multiple p.o.v’s, plot twist in the end

𝐒𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬 ➛ 𝖸𝗈𝗎 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝖬𝖺𝗋𝗄’𝗌 𝗋𝖾𝗅𝖺𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇𝗌𝗁𝗂𝗉 𝗁𝖺𝖽 𝗎𝗇𝖿𝗈𝗋𝗍𝗎𝗇𝖺𝗍𝖾𝗅𝗒 𝖻𝖾𝖼𝗈𝗆𝖾 𝗅𝗈𝗇𝗀 𝖽𝗂𝗌𝗍𝖺𝗇𝖼𝖾, 𝗁𝗂𝗆 𝗁𝖺𝗏𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗐𝗈𝗋𝗄 𝗍𝗈 𝖺𝗍𝗍𝖾𝗇𝖽 𝗍𝗈 𝗂𝗇 𝖩𝖺𝗉𝖺𝗇 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝖻𝖾𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗌𝗍𝖺𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇𝖾𝖽 𝗂𝗇 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝖴.𝖲. 𝖣𝗎𝗋𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗈𝗇𝖾 𝗈𝖿 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝖾𝗑𝗍𝖾𝗇𝖽𝖾𝖽 𝗇𝗂𝗀𝗁𝗍𝗌 𝗌𝗁𝗂𝖿𝗍𝗌, 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝗋𝖾𝖼𝖾𝗂𝗏𝖾𝖽 𝖺 𝗏𝗈𝗂𝖼𝖾 𝗆𝖺𝗂𝗅 𝖿𝗋𝗈𝗆 𝖺𝗇 𝗎𝗇𝗌𝖺𝗏𝖾𝖽 𝖼𝗈𝗇𝗍𝖺𝖼𝗍 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗐𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗏𝗈𝗂𝖼𝖾 𝗆𝖺𝗂𝗅 𝗋𝖾𝖺𝖽 𝗐𝖺𝗌 𝖾𝗇𝗈𝗎𝗀𝗁 𝗍𝗈 𝗌𝖾𝗇𝖽 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝖾𝗇𝗍𝗂𝗋𝖾 𝗐𝗈𝗋𝗅𝖽 𝖻𝗎𝗋𝗇𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗂𝗇𝗍𝗈 𝖿𝗅𝖺𝗆𝖾𝗌.

＃Aᴜᴛʜᴏʀ’s Nᴏᴛᴇ — If you can read, you can reblog. Please reblog my work if you enjoy it for the purposes to increase visibility/popularity. This idea literally came into my head after watching a sad ass suicide/romance movie so yea lol. Enjoy ~~ !!

Everything around you had fallen silent except for the faint beeping sound vibrating through your head as the voice mail ended, your body stiff as you stared blankly at your cell phone. You wanted to scream, yell, move, hit, kick, just feel or do something…anything. But you couldn’t. You couldn’t even feel yourself breathing anymore. Everything was frozen and numb to you until you felt the tingling prickle of your warm tears flowing messily down your face, landing onto the bare skin of your pant fabric.

The sound of the entrance doors being slammed open, scampering footprints following close behind, was growing prominent as you heard the familiar voices of the members, Yuta running your way before hastily shaking you by your shoulders, the rest behind him as he shouted your name in panic.

“𝘠/𝘕! 𝘠/𝘕 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘮𝘦?! 𝘠/𝘕! 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘳 𝘮𝘦! 𝘠/𝘕!”

**𝐅𝐋𝐀𝐒𝐇𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊**

You sat down in your chair, stretching your back and arms a bit before turning towards the files and documents that stained your work area and computer screen. You began typing and writing quietly, hoping to at least finish half of your work before your shift ended. A few minutes into your work, you heard your phone buzz with the alarm you set for notifications, peering over your now-lighted phone screen as you saw a voice mail sent from an unsaved number.

Hesitating slightly, you shrugged off the doubtful worry that was in your mind and clicked on the voice mail, staring off into the window in front of you as you listened to the message play.

**𝐕𝐨𝐢𝐜𝐞 𝐌𝐚𝐢𝐥** “𝖧𝖾𝗅𝗅𝗈. 𝖳𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗂𝗌 𝖲𝖬 𝖤𝗇𝗍𝖾𝗋𝗍𝖺𝗂𝗇𝗆𝖾𝗇𝗍, 𝖼𝖺𝗅𝗅𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗂𝗇 𝗋𝖾𝗀𝖺𝗋𝖽𝗌 𝗈𝖿 𝖬𝖺𝗋𝗄 𝖫𝖾𝖾, 𝖿𝗈𝗋𝗆𝖾𝗋 𝗄𝗉𝗈𝗉 𝗂𝖽𝗈𝗅 𝗈𝖿 𝖲𝖬, 𝗐𝗁𝗈 𝗁𝖺𝗌 𝗌𝖺𝖽𝗅𝗒 𝖻𝖾𝖾𝗇 𝖺𝗇𝗇𝗈𝗎𝗇𝖼𝖾𝖽 𝖽𝖾𝖺𝖽 𝖽𝗎𝗋𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗉𝗋𝗈𝗆𝗈𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇 𝗍𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗈𝖿 𝖭𝖢𝖳’𝗌 𝗆𝗈𝗌𝗍 𝗋𝖾𝖼𝖾𝗇𝗍 𝖩𝖺𝗉𝖺𝗇𝖾𝗌𝖾 𝖺𝗅𝖻𝗎𝗆 𝗋𝖾𝗅𝖾𝖺𝗌𝖾. 𝖢𝖺𝗎𝗌𝖾 𝗈𝖿 𝖽𝖾𝖺𝗍𝗁 𝗁𝖺𝗌 𝗇𝗈𝗍 𝗒𝖾𝗍 𝖻𝖾𝖾𝗇 𝖽𝗂𝗌𝖼𝗅𝗈𝗌𝖾𝖽 𝗒𝖾𝗍 𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝖻𝗈𝖽𝗒 𝗁𝖺𝗌 𝖻𝖾𝖾𝗇 𝗅𝗈𝖼𝖺𝗍𝖾𝖽 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝖽𝖾𝗍𝖺𝗂𝗇𝖾𝖽 𝖿𝗋𝗈𝗆 𝖪𝗂𝗌𝗈 𝖱𝗂𝗏𝖾𝗋. 𝖶𝖾 𝖺𝗋𝖾 𝗌𝗈𝗋𝗋𝗒 𝗍𝗈 𝖺𝗇𝗇𝗈𝗎𝗇𝖼𝖾 𝗌𝗎𝖼𝗁 𝗇𝖾𝗐𝗌 𝗌𝗈 𝗌𝗎𝖽𝖽𝖾𝗇𝗅𝗒 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗌𝖾𝗇𝖽 𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗆𝗈𝗌𝗍 𝗌𝗈𝗅𝖾𝗆𝗇 𝖼𝗈𝗇𝖽𝗈𝗅𝖾𝗇𝖼𝖾𝗌. 𝖳𝗁𝖺𝗇𝗄 𝗒𝗈𝗎.”

**𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊 𝐓𝐎 𝐏𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄**

You felt the movement of your body and the muffled yelling and cries of the other members as they tried to get you to respond yet everything was almost moving in slo-mo around you, everything a slow, blurred vision around you. Your senses snap back into place after a few more seconds, your face and chin stained with the wetness of your emotions as you slowly turn your head to face Yuta and the few other members accompanying him.

“𝘖𝘩 𝘮𝘺 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘨𝘰𝘥, 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘭𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘠/𝘕?”

All you could manage to do was stare at the others, your vision blurring even more rapidly than before as your steamed tears rushed down your cheeks and down from your face as the members exchanged panicked expressions. Jaehyun and Xiaojun helped you up from your chair as they all walked you out and down the hallway of your job, leading you down into the inner parking lot.

Once you all reached the large, dark-hued van that was awaiting, Yuta opened the car door and helped you settle in, everyone else settling in soon after as the van takes off and speeds out of the parking lot, your body still stiff and your tears still pouring. After about ten minutes of silence mixed with the sound of speeding cars, you feel the van pull into the lot of a large, familiar building until it clicked where you were. SM Entertainment.

Your eyes were beyond the point of heavy as the faint trail of previous tears stained your cheeks, you relying on the support of the others to even stand up straight as they gently led you into the backdoor entrance of the building, earning quiet yet sympathetic glances as they were already aware of the situation, packing up their things solemnly as you all passed by them. Jungwoo quickly opens the door of their practice room as you are soon greeted by the remaining members, their cries echoing throughout the walls as they turn their attention towards your shattered frame.

“𝘠-𝘠/𝘕....𝘩-𝘩𝘦'𝘴 𝘨𝘰𝘯𝘦....”

“𝘞𝘦'𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘰 𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺 𝘠/𝘕..”

That was all it took for you to fall to your knees weakly, the sobs you didn’t even know you were holding escaping your throat as you cried violently, your fists in tight balls as you pressed your face to your knees, shaking lightly, feeling the members swallow you in their growing embrace. Your cries and screams only intensified with each longing second, the fact of the matter finally hitting you. Mark Lee, your beloved boyfriend, was gone. He was really gone. And he wasn’t coming back.

Feeling the surrounding warmth begin to ease up, Kun softly kneeled down next to you, carefully pressing his hand down on your shoulder, moving some of your hair from your soaked face as you continued to wail into your lap.

“𝘞𝘦'𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘰 𝘴𝘰 𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺 𝘠/𝘕. 𝘞𝘦 𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬 𝘵𝘰 𝘶𝘴 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰.”, he spoke in the softest of tones, biting back the urge to break down with you as he heard your bawling continue, glancing up at the others with tear-filled doe eyes before slowly getting up to walk everyone out, hoping to give you privacy inside of the empty practice room. Hours had passed and you were still in the same position, your voice to hoarse to even let out any more sobs or cries that were still threatening to tear from you.

All you could manage to think about was all of the moments you had seen Mark, seen him smile, the sound of laughter replaying in your head a million times. Hell, you had just spoke on the phone with him the beginning day of the tour. Everything had seemed so perfect. Using the small bit of strength you were even surprised you still had, you peered down at the shining, silver promise ring that decorated your ring finger, the engraved print reading : “𝖠𝗉𝖺𝗋𝗍 𝗍𝖾𝗆𝗉𝗈𝗋𝖺𝗋𝗂𝗅𝗒, 𝗂𝗇𝗌𝖾𝗉𝖺𝗋𝖺𝖻𝗅𝖾 𝖾𝗍𝖾𝗋𝗇𝖺𝗅𝗅𝗒”.

You felt your bottom lip begin to quiver, your hands shaking unsteadily as you stared meekly at the quote, a tear falling deeply onto the carved lettering before running down and splashing onto the tile floor beneath you. Leaning up and steadying yourself onto a nearby stool by the corner of a wall, you helped yourself to lean up, sniffing violently as your tears overwhelmed your vision. After stumbling back a few times, you regain your posture and become steady enough to hold yourself upright.

Walking out from the dimmed room, you staggered your way through the hall, cloudily recalling the way in which you came in through. You finally made it to the exiting hallway, walking towards the back door of the stony silent establishment, walking past a slimly-cracked doorframe as you overheard the growing cries and snivels coming from familiar voices.

“𝘞𝘩𝘺....𝘞𝘏𝘠 𝘋𝘐𝘋 𝘐𝘛 𝘏𝘈𝘝𝘌 𝘛𝘖 𝘉𝘌 𝘏𝘐𝘔! 𝘏-𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘢𝘪𝘥 𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘶𝘴...”

“𝘐-𝘐 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘪𝘵 𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵𝘴 𝘊𝘩𝘦𝘯𝘭𝘦....𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘸-𝘸𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘺 𝘴-𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨...𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘠/𝘕…”

You felt like you had been sucker punched in the stomach all over again, your throat dry yet eyes soaking. You didn’t want to stay and hear any longer. You couldn’t. You began to rush out of the back doors, fresh tears on the brim of falling as you made your way out into the busying street ahead. Without any care, you sprinted into the lanes, semi-blinded by the bright headlights that rushed passed and headed towards you, the mixture of blaring car horns and the warning yells from the members filling your ears.

“𝘠/𝘕 𝘕𝘖!”

“𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘨𝘰𝘯𝘯𝘢 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘩𝘪𝘵, 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘰𝘷𝘦!”

Everything turning into the same messy blur it had been previously, the drowning sound of beeping and screaming, you dashed through the street and made it to the other side of the lane, an upcoming truck barely missing you by a few seconds. You didn’t know where you were going but at the moment, you didn’t even care. Ignoring the screaming others behind you, you briskly made your way towards a nearby liquor store, the vibrant sign leading the way.

You had pushed open the thick glass doors of the store, the man behind the counter jumping by the sudden noise, turning his head towards you before speaking as you leaned weakly against the front of the counter.

“𝘜𝘮.. 𝘐'𝘮 𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺 𝘮𝘢'𝘢𝘮/𝘴𝘪𝘳 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘸𝘦'𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘦-”

“𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶..𝘵𝘰 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘲𝘶𝘰𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘭...𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦…”, you interrupted, the man taking in your disheveled appearance before heaving in a sigh and making his way behind around the corner to the liquor cache stored in the back. After about a few seconds, the older man came back out with two bottles in hand before standing them up on the counter.

“𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘸𝘰 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘤𝘰𝘩𝘰𝘭 𝘵𝘺𝘱𝘦𝘴 𝘸𝘦'𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦. 𝘉-𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘐'𝘮 𝘨𝘰𝘯𝘯𝘢 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘮 𝘰𝘧 𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵 𝘮𝘢'𝘢𝘮/𝘴𝘪𝘳.”

You slowly pulled out your wallet from your pant pocket and opened it up, reaching for your license before shakily handing it to the worker. You watched dimly as he scanned your ID, looking up at his computer screen before pressing tapping in a few buttons and looking back up at you and handing you back your license and giving you your charge.

After you payed, you grabbed the two bottles, only replying to the man with a broken glance as he asked if you were alright, and maybe wanted a bag for your alcohol. Walking out of the store, you began on your way home, ignoring the various catcalls you received by a few people hanging around the sidewalk and bus stops. You continued to walk on for about 13 minutes until you reached your apartment, pulling out your keys before sticking it in the lock and twisting, the door emitting a loud creaking sound as you pushed it open, barely closing it behind you.

You threw everything you had in your hands and pockets down except for your liquor, stumbling your way into your bathroom as you flipped the light switch on, taking in your appearance as you stared in the mirror, biting down on the inside of your cheek to keep yourself from breaking down all over again. You pressed your back against the wall, your eyes shut tight as you began to replay everything over again in your mind.

It hurt. It hurt so bad. It hurt to remember all of the amazing moments you and Mark had shared. It hurt to hear the cries of his members as you had run through the halls. It hurt to know that the man you had loved would never be coming back to you. Throughout all of these thoughts, you had began to cry all over again, the tears colder than they had been all night. You popped open one of the bottles of alcohol you had bought, pushing it to the side before slowly opening the mirror-reflecting medicine cabinet that was hanging from the side of your bathroom wall.

You peered into the mirror of the cabinet momentarily, your eyes shooting wide as you see the reflection of Mark staring back at you with a soft smile, pressing his hand to the mirror as you do the same, slowly but surely. Your tears begin flowing down gradually as you watch his reflection disappear once your hand reaches his, the lingering image of his smile playing in your mind as you let out a strangled bawl, opening the cabinet to reveal a few pill bottles, mainly prescribed medicine.

You take out a pill bottle from the cabinet, turning the bottle to read the description as the bottom read in bolded underlined font : “𝗗𝗢 𝗡𝗢𝗧 𝘁𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗮𝗹𝗰𝗼𝗵𝗼𝗹/𝗮𝗹𝗰𝗼𝗵𝗼𝗹𝗶𝗰 𝘀𝘂𝗯𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲𝘀!”

You ignore the warning caption, twisting open the thick white cap of the bottle and pouring a few pills into your hand before lying the bottle on the edge of the bathroom sink counter, taking the open bottle of liquor in your other hand as you pop a capsule into your mouth, mixing it with the alcohol in your hand, swallowing it all together. You soon feel your breathing slow down, your chest becoming heavy as you body goes limp for a few seconds, dizziness taking over your consciousness as you hit the cold floor of the bathroom.

The thud causes the pill bottle to fall from the counter and land on the tile floor, the medication scattering messily across the bathroom as you drop the bottle of liquor causing it to pour out from the bottle as you fell. You begin crying out as your head starts aching vigorously, a faint thumping noise banging through your skull as you curl up into a ball, the sound of Mark’s voice repeating over and over again as you sob and shut your eyes, gripping onto your hair.

“𝘈𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘵𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘭𝘺, 𝗂𝗇𝗌𝖾𝗉𝖺𝗋𝖺𝖻𝗅𝖾 𝘦𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘯𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺.”

Your wails were continuous as your vision began to fade bit by bit, hearing banging on the door followed by the voices of Doyoung and Jaemin, their yelling laced with worry. You couldn’t even reach the counter edge to hold yourself up, you could feel yourself becoming more limp by each second. Eventually the banging subsided as they assumed you had just wanted time to be alone. There you lied, broken, crying, and seconds away from unconsciousness, the whole word around you fading to a meaningless black.

**𝐀 𝐅𝐄𝐖 𝐃𝐀𝐘𝐒 𝐋𝐀𝐓𝐄𝐑**

A few days had passed and Mark’s death was taking more of a toll than it had the night of the news. You had practically been ghosting the world and even though it wasn’t intentional, you just didn’t know how to deal with yourself. You sat in your living room, watching various videos that you and Mark had taken together, mostly during his practice and on cute dates with each other.

You were doing alright with holding in your pressuring tears until you saw a clip of Mark on the filming set of one of NCT’s most recent project, him dressed in your favorite color, his sweet smile dancing along his features as he held a basketball in one hand before turning to the camera and pointing.

“𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘰𝘯𝘦'𝘴 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘫𝘢𝘨𝘪𝘺𝘢.”, Mark cooed before shooting the basketball, watching hopefully as it landed smooth inside of the net, him giving the camera a shocked yet happy grin, Haechan laughing cutely in the background. You could feel your mouth slowly twisting into a pained smile, tears planted on the brim of your eyes. You were about to finish watching the clips until you heard your phone vibrate next to you.

Looking over, the notification read that you had received a text message from Yuta to come over and meet with the rest of NCT and that it was important. Exhaling softly, you got up to get ready, throwing on some casual clothes before grabbing your phone, keys, and jacket. Once you had made it to SM’s building, you were greeted by the gloom yet hopeful faces of the members.

“𝘏𝘦𝘺....𝘸𝘦'𝘳𝘦 𝘨𝘭𝘢𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦..𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨?”, Doyoung smiled warmly even though with one simple look in his eyes, you could clearly tell how shattered he was. You returned his greeting with a smile before looking down, hoping no one would notice your sad glance.

“𝘐'𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘥𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘬𝘢𝘺.”, you spoke softly. “𝘏𝘰𝘸 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘴?”

Doyoung turned to look behind him before sighing softly and responding.

“𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘦𝘮𝘣𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘳𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘥 𝘪𝘵 𝘵𝘰𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘢𝘴 𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘣𝘶𝘵....𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘮𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘯'𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘥𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘰 𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘭…”, he replied, whispering slightly before taking your hand and leading you inside of the building where all of the members were located. Taeil jumped up happily, giving you a small smile along with Johnny and Yang Yang.

“𝘠/𝘕! 𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘬 𝘨𝘰𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵!”, Taeil spoke as you smiled and nodded faintly before turning to the others to speak.

“𝘐'𝘮 𝘢-𝘢𝘭𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘣-𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘠𝘶𝘵𝘢 𝘵𝘦𝘹𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘢𝘪𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘶𝘳𝘨𝘦𝘯𝘵...𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘩𝘦?”, you questioned, jumping as you heard a voice come from behind you, realizing that it was Yuta. Turning around, you face him as he looks up with tear-stained doe eyes, holding various picture graphs and documents in his hand. Before you could ask what he was holding, Yuta began speaking, his voice shaky all the while.

“𝘐 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘦 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘳'𝘴 𝘰𝘧𝘧𝘪𝘤𝘦 𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘓𝘦𝘦 𝘚𝘰𝘰𝘮𝘢𝘯 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘔𝘢𝘳𝘬'𝘴 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩..𝘢𝘯𝘥..𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘦 𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘱𝘩𝘴 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘸, 𝘪𝘧 𝘐'𝘮 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘢𝘤𝘤𝘶𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘺....𝘔𝘢𝘳𝘬'𝘴 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩 𝘸𝘢𝘴𝘯'𝘵 𝘢 𝘴𝘶𝘥𝘥𝘦𝘯 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘰𝘳 𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘰𝘤𝘶𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘥....𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘮𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘴𝘶𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘥𝘦..”, Yuta spoke, the tears threatening to spill from his eyes finally winning against him as he broke down, Xiaojun by his side to comfort him as everyone who hadn’t heard the news went completely wide-eyed and pale and the ones who already knew only began to sob harder.

**𝐅𝐋𝐀𝐒𝐇𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊**

— 𝗠𝗮𝗿𝗸’𝘀 𝗣.𝗢.𝗩 —

I stood on the edge of the bridge dangling right above the Kiso River, peering down deeply at the dark water as it flowed and crashed against its own waves.

“𝘞𝘰𝘢𝘩 𝘥𝘶𝘥𝘦..”, I laughed softly to myself in hopes of calming down my nerves, especially considering what it was I was about to do. I had tried so hard….spent my entire career trying to maintain peace but for that, the price I had to pay was my own sanity. I had spent countless night lying to my members, my fans, hell- even my own girlfriend/boyfriend that I was doing fine when really…I wasn’t.

I couldn’t take it anymore…I couldn’t take all of the pressure and pain anymore. So I’ve decided to end it all. I steadied myself and stood up straight, stretching my head from side to side before taking a deep breath. I was about to jump but the image of everyone I cared about, NCT, NCTzens, my Y/N, flashed through my mind. I stepped back a bit as I felt my tears prickle down my cheeks, hitting my chin as I exhaled and cried to myself silently.

I steadied myself once more, positioning myself on the edge of the bridge’s wall before looking down once more at the seemingly never-ending currents of the river before closing my eyes. Just as before, the image of all of my loved ones flashed before my eyes, only this time…I jumped.

**𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊 𝐓𝐎 𝐏𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄**

You, on the other hand, were apart of the group who hadn’t heard about this news. Your body went numb as you heard the words ‘Mark’ and ‘suicide’ used in the same sentence. You gasped involuntarily, your eyes tearing up as you tried not to cry in front of everyone. You had swore that everything was okay, that Mark was okay. You didn’t think he would ever step to the option of suicide.

“𝘞-𝘸𝘩𝘺- ...𝘩-𝘩𝘰𝘸- 𝘐 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘰𝘬𝘢𝘺...𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴..𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘴𝘢𝘪𝘥 𝘩𝘦'𝘥 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘢𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥.....𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘦'𝘥 𝘯-𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦...”, you hiccuped, the others sharing sympathetic and heartbroken glances, except for the dreamies, who were visibly angry.

“𝘚𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘭𝘺 𝘠/𝘕, 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘩𝘶𝘵 𝘪𝘵! 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘤𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘢𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘺 𝘔𝘢𝘳𝘬'𝘴 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩..”, you heard Chenle snap, the atmosphere growing quiet except for Doyoung who was trying to tell Chenle to stop, only Chenle was so angry he just kept going on.

“𝘕𝘰 𝘴𝘩𝘦/𝘩𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘪𝘵! 𝘠𝘦𝘢𝘩 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘣𝘰𝘺𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘐 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘢 𝘣𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥! 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘴𝘰 𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘪𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬 𝘥𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘶𝘴 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘩𝘶𝘩?!”

“𝘊𝘩𝘦𝘯𝘭𝘦, 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵'𝘴 𝘦𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩.”, Taeil warned as the rest of the dreamies joined in, agreeing with Chenle as the whole room was soon filled with chaos. You had a lump in your throat, eyes growing fuzzy as more tears threatened to fall. Had you been being self-centered about the whole thing? You understood that Mark’s death had affected everyone and not just you…right?

The dreamies continued to argue with you, the older members cutting in to try and calm down the younger ones, yet everyone going silent as the sound of Doyoung yelling sternly filled the room and bounced off of the walls.

“𝘈𝘭𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱! 𝘑𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘪𝘵 𝘨𝘰𝘥𝘥𝘢𝘮𝘮𝘪𝘵! 𝘓𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘭𝘭, 𝘢𝘳𝘨𝘶𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘸𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘣𝘦 𝘴𝘶𝘱𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳. 𝘐 𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘶𝘥𝘥𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘩𝘪𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘧 𝘶𝘴...𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘐 𝘮𝘢𝘺 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘩 𝘰𝘧 𝘶𝘴 𝘪𝘴 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵 𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘩 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘳𝘨𝘶𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘴 𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘐 𝘥𝘢𝘮𝘯 𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘔𝘢𝘳𝘬 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘩𝘪𝘮𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧.”, Doyoung spoke strictly as everyone listened quietly, exchanging expressions and even the dreamies lowering their heads in apology, Chenle sniffing before doing the same.

In the mist of the silence, you felt embarrassed and ashamed, holding in your sobs even though you were visibly crying. Before any more trouble was caused, you decided to leave, wanting to be there no longer to stir anything up, so clearing your throat softly and grabbing your things, you turning to Doyoung and Taeil before giving them a sad smile and excusing yourself as you heard them shouting after you but you continued to leave, walking quickly out of the door and rushing out as fast as you could. Your tears rushing down as fast as you were rushing out of the building itself.

You found yourself outside of SM Entertainment, looking down at your buzzing phone as nothing but documentaries, videos, and news reports about “Kpop Superstar Mark Lee Found Dead At Age 23” flooded your dash and notifications. You couldn’t do anything but fall down to your knees, crouched down in the parking lot as you began to cry out loud, not caring who saw or heard you. Here you were all over again, broken, crying, and lost. You had landed back at square one all over again.

**𝟗:𝟒𝟑 𝐏𝐌**

— 𝗡𝗖𝗧’𝘀 𝗣.𝗢.𝗩 —

(Jungwoo) Everyone was silent once Y/N left, especially the dreamies, who were currently in the other room being lectured by Taeil about their outburst. Me, Xiaojun, and Jaehyun were busy comforting Yuta as he continued to break down. Taeyong and Kun had gone to speak with Lee Soo-man and everyone else was struggling to keep themselves together, including me.

(Doyoung) I paced back and forth, my mind running laps. Everything had just come down crashing after Mark’s death and I could definitely tell how much of a toll it had taken on our members let alone our company and fandom. I had been thinking about the situation with the dreamies and Y/N when I started to wonder if Y/N was okay.

“𝘏𝘦𝘺 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘴𝘱𝘰𝘬𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘠/𝘕 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘧𝘦𝘸 𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴?” I questioned as the others looked at me before answering.

(Jaehyun) “𝘐 𝘵𝘦𝘹𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘩𝘦𝘳/𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘑𝘶𝘯𝘨𝘸𝘰𝘰 𝘣𝘰𝘵𝘩 𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘥 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘦𝘳/𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘢𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘴𝘩𝘦/𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘦𝘧𝘵.”

(Yuta) “𝘐-𝘐 𝘮-𝘮𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘢𝘨𝘦𝘥 𝘩𝘦𝘳/𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘢-𝘢𝘯 𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘢𝘨𝘰 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘴-𝘴𝘩𝘦/𝘩-𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘴𝘯'𝘵 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘰𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘥.”, Yuta spoke through tears.

(Doyoung) I started to grow worried about Y/N, if she/he was alright, and how she had been taking in all of this. But…I decided to just let her/him be and hope the best for her/him until she/felt like reaching out again IF she/he would feel like speaking to us again especially after today’s incident.

**𝟗:𝟒𝟓 𝐏𝐌**

— 𝗬/𝗡’𝘀 𝗣.𝗢.𝗩 —

I had made my way down to Kiso River a few minutes ago and was now standing dangerously close to the edge of the bridge as I stared at the dark, flowing waves, my expression blank and emotionless yet the warm tears flowing down my cheeks said otherwise. I couldn’t think of anything else but the vision of my baby jumping down from this exact bridge….what couldn’t possibly driven him to do so…how pained be must’ve felt as he jumped…and now I was to do the same.

I had brought with me Mark’s favorite baseball cap that he wore when we first met in Seoul, holding it in my hand before planting a soft kiss to it and placing it down next to the flowers I brought. I inhaled and exhaled lightly before shutting my eyes, the ringing words “𝖠𝗉𝖺𝗋𝗍 𝗍𝖾𝗆𝗉𝗈𝗋𝖺𝗋𝗂𝗅𝗒, 𝗂𝗇𝗌𝖾𝗉𝖺𝗋𝖺𝖻𝗅𝖾 𝖾𝗍𝖾𝗋𝗇𝖺𝗅𝗅𝗒” replaying in my mind as my tears continued to silently fall.

Taking one more glance down at the dark, shadow-hued, I sighed, the vision of Mark flashing through my head before I cooed softly.

“𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘰𝘯𝘦'𝘴 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘫𝘢𝘨𝘪𝘺𝘢.”

Then…I jumped.

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𝐃𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐥𝐚𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐫 ➛ 𝖳𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝖨𝖲 𝖭𝖮𝖳 𝖺𝗇 𝖺𝖼𝖼𝗎𝗋𝖺𝗍𝖾 𝗈𝗋 𝗍𝗋𝗎𝗍𝗁𝖿𝗎𝗅 𝖽𝖾𝗉𝗂𝖼𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇 𝗈𝖿 𝖺𝗇𝗒 𝗈𝖿 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗆𝖾𝗆𝖻𝖾𝗋𝗌 𝗈𝖿 𝖭𝖢𝖳 𝖠𝖳 𝖠𝖫𝖫, 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗂𝗌 𝗌𝗂𝗆𝗉𝗅𝗒 𝖺 𝖿𝗂𝖼𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇𝖺𝗅 𝗂𝖽𝖾𝖺 𝖨 𝖽𝖾𝖼𝗂𝖽𝖾𝖽 𝗍𝗈 𝗐𝗋𝗂𝗍𝖾 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗂𝗌 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝖾𝗇𝗍𝖾𝗋𝗍𝖺𝗂𝗇𝗆𝖾𝗇𝗍 𝗉𝗎𝗋𝗉𝗈𝗌𝖾𝗌 𝖮𝖭𝖫𝖸.