blurred median. specific facets may have additional preferences, but he/her/it are all fine by consensus. figuring my shit out at nearly 30. traumatized enough that everyone gets a piece. trying to be nice instead of chill. I'm white and TME. As this is a sideblog, I will follow/like/reply from my main account, sootonthecarpet; I'm not fully open about my status on my main blog yet, so kindly keep that in mind. header image by Green Yoshi, licensed under creative commons.
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argh haha. arg!
#loachbrain official#just when I was getting the hang of this sort of thing I've had a switch where I can't for the life of me tell who this guy is that I am
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ohh man does figuring out whether I've had a switch or just woken up in a radically different mood get easier with time? will it still be this weird and hard to tell what's up the first time I switch over to a facet I've already documented???
#blurian#median system#it's consistently taken me a few days to switch out and a while after each switch to determine my identity but I've BEEN able to do it#i think I'm frustrated bc I thought I had everything abt my switches figured out now#but my last facet was kinda unpredictable and mood swingy + disassociated often#so I'm struggling to ascertain if I'm just feeling stable as him or if I've found a new bug under a new rock lmao#loachbrain official
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grocery store mission barely accomplished took massive damage to the hull and all internal systems. shield repair could take days
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♡ pathetic butches ♡
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ohhh mannnn how much of my 'don't say this, don't say that' OCD shit (that grew in gradually over time, justified by all kinds of various fears about coming across the wrong way or causing someone fear/harm/etc) is a fucking. vehicle to mask the individuality of my different facets. >:I
#not that i can just will myself out of my symptoms now or anything--but i can certainly confront them more directly 😔#loachbrain official
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thinking abt taking on the nickname of one of my own OCs not bc I'm a fictive of that guy (AFAIK--there could be a touch of chicken-egg going on but it's not like I have his accent or feel like I'm in the wrong reality or whatever) but because he's a self insert and this is pretty emphatically the state I was in when I developed him as a character. like going by your fursona's name online, if your fursona was a fully human five foot ten blond man with unimaginable amounts of nerve damage from being whipped and whatever
#loachbrain official#I'm cataloguing new facets every time we front like they're pokemon. I'm up to three but this bitch (me) is blurry as hell#so being able to point at a fully formed man and go 'me' even if it's not Me is preddy helpful if I do say so myself#and my internal boundary line between real and fictional is pretty out-of-focus. ive always felt like I stepped out of a really lame book 💖#(I used to nurse a pretty serious delusion that none of life was real but it wasn't v harmful cause I didn't give a shit)#(I was just OK about 'knowing' that chance was an illusion and I was a side character in a larger narrative which I could not perceive)#(which was definitelyyyyyyyy a trauma/lifetime of depersonalization & derealization thing...)#(I deal way less gracefully with simple and realistic delusions lol.)
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host/main fronter: what if Im faking, what if the other guys r just silly little personas Im roleplaying for fun or something like how little kids pretend to be wolves or horses. literally any other facet: I am,,, literally so fundementally different from you, in internal appearance, ideology, hobbies, personality. let's be honest you could not roleplay this good if you TRIED.
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starting to think switches kind of hit me hard in terms of my energy (especially my social energy). but figuring out nicknames for new facets as they front is fun
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ohh this guys hungee?
I just keep finding new guys in my head like bugs under a wet rock lol
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I just keep finding new guys in my head like bugs under a wet rock lol
#final nail in the coffin for my determining if I've switched again = me not caring whether isopods are or aren't technically bugs#(while making this post ↑ )#the last guy (facet) would never lmfao#loachbrain official
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the longer i'm spending with this facet fronting the more i'm thinking the facet who was fronting when i made this blog (and up until last weekend) is straight up a woman ahahaha that must have been so disorienting to experience
#just like straight up a butchy bi girl dwelling in a body formally owned by a gay male femme who had to transition to get there.#no WONDER i was having such a Weird Time gender wise......#now i'm just back to my usual--being dysphoric because my hair is too short 🤣😭#loachbrain official
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a good nighttime rainstorm after a hot day will have you kneeling naked in the grass just to feel it on your back or something
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