loachbrain

[loachbrain]

insert yet another post about how funny slash annoying it is that we all have slightly different kinds of disordered sleep I'm too tired to hash out the details lol guess for yourself

[loachbrain]

Mention anything that I am disgustingly interested in or knowledgeable of and I’m going to look at you like this

Sorry tumblr user I stole this clip from your post I can’t stop laughing why is he doing that

[loachbrain]

Alejandro Cardenas - Atacamite Hall 4

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the thrill of finding hyperspecific terminology that perfectly describes my experiences vs the chill of remembering that I don't really use super exacting labels in any context unless I'm elbow deep in a relevant conversation and want to quickly explain myself to somebody else I know will understand the lingo

[loachbrain]

[loachbrain]

gwrgfhdjgf it's really annoying how our different facets have completely different kinds of disordered sleep... pre syscovery I always thought my sleep shit was wholly unpredictable (some of us properly insomniac, some of us unable to stay awake at night once we get tired, some of us unable to stay down once we fall asleep without large amounts of medication; all of us dealing with the same physical obstacles to our sleep health, e.g. chronic pain, sleep apnea, hypermobile joints, but in wildly different ways) or purely rooted in whether we were bodily in a manic or depressive episode, but it being like, nah, actually, The Sleepy Man was fronting and now Little Miss Up-All-Night has taken his place... it's uniquely frustrating. I'd love to know what I could do if I was sleeping consistently, but in fact, if we're sleeping consistently, it's because I'm not at the wheel at Alllllll ┐⁠(⁠ ⁠˘⁠_⁠˘⁠)⁠┌

[loachbrain]

tragic. they found an angel stcuk tangled in the telephone wires outsside your house. sorruy. yeah we dont know how to get it out cus anyone who approached the divine light of their holy aura got obliterated. yeah we forgot their names. it'll probably get free sooner or later. dont go outside

[loachbrain]

had an, uh, interesting night, last night....

i didn't really realize that this was a thing that could happen with a headmate...like it makes sense that it could i guess but like uhh i wasn't expecting it. it was /really weird/ but also like asdkl;jgndsfkljbgndf;kbn;dfb;kdafljbn;dflkbnad;fkljbn;adfkljbnadf;kljgbn;adfkjhg;kjasdhg;n

[loachbrain]

hawkeye pierce would absolutely fucking hate being alive in this day and age so i wouldn't want to bring him into a reality where he'd be utterly miserable however i want him to be real and be my friend so he'll just have to deal with it

[loachbrain]

it will pass but like can i at least get an eta

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Headspace but its just:

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We should probably normalize not knowing information about your system like what an alter's role is, total alter count, who is fronting, etc, since that is actually very normal.

[loachbrain]

2 of us basically had this conversation just now 😔

[loachbrain]

I've heard voices throughout most of my life, but every time, I've allowed myself to lean into the idea of system acceptance... Everything gets chaotic, and my life gets out of sorts. It's like everything is in perfect order when I just ignore them, but as soon as I allow myself to relinquish any semblance of control....it suddenly becomes a dissociated and confusing tailspin.

I want to accept this, to listen to them. But I worry that my entire-life will suddenly veer off track, I still feel as though that's inevitable.

I guess I'm asking for some pointers or advice? Is the chaos something I should just accept? At the risk of sounding juvenile; is it supposed to feel...cringy? But also natural? And scary? Is this what a system is supposed to feel like?

let's start easy - yeah, it'll feel cringe, juvenile even, to allow and accept your own plural experiences. yeah, it's scary to loosen a vicegrip on what "you" means. and yeah, despite those things, there's something familiar and automatic about letting your sense of self inhabit all the spaces it's always wanted to sit within, instead of just those that are practical to inhabit simultaneously.

i think this is where you have to start - with feelings. "what if x happens" is contextless - how do you feel? There's nothing wrong with coming away with any specific result here - you work with your feelings until one way makes sense.

The last thing that's important to remember is that you've had decades of practice for being a singlet. Early systemhood can be all kinds of messy because that practice isn't fully transferable - you have to relearn some things (masking, self-care, intimacy...) partly from scratch.

Apply rational thought to erode those knee-jerk insecurities, and then start trusting your gut. Allow yourself a mask for function, not for denial. Learn what "this feels good, but I'm judging myself" feels like, learn what "this is exciting, but we're stretched too thin and need to recenter" feels like. Find ways to ground yourself. Find ways to back out. Acceptance is a leap of faith, yes - but living as a system is something you can take as slow as you need to keep yourselves safe and see what's right for you, if it's right for you.

[loachbrain]

being plural is a kind of queerness.

social transition to a plural identity is much akin to gender transition. if you have a supportive community around you, trying on new identities is essentially free. you can try being plural, using different names at different times, being treated as more than one person - and if it doesn't end up working for you, you can always change your mind later.

being plural is a kind of neurodivergence.

self diagnosis is not a crime. if you see a list of symptoms and they fit your experience, if advice for dealing with a given disorder helps you manage your own symptoms, you have as much claim to that condition as anyone else. and pursuing a formal diagnosis should be a decision based on if that diagnosis gates helpful treatments you want or opens you up to discrimination you don't, not an obligation.

[loachbrain]

ok. i am asking for advice. when i was much younger, preteen-tween age, i imagined my 'self' as a committee of selves that had different roles and mannerisms. that faded as i grew older, and i didn't really 'hear voices' as much as i sometimes had arguments or conversations with a sort of mirrored version of myself that usually mentioned how they 'had to go' very quickly after they were done with. whatever they were doing. and that was just kind of The Way Things Were Done around here.

but now, more than 15 years later, i heard that voice saying they 'had to get out of here', and i called out for them to wait. and they did. and then She was someone else, like a fog cleared. and then She left. and that keeps happening, i'll be minding my own business, i'll hear a murmur of a thought, and i'll ask them to hold on, not to leave- and then they're people. i've even seen Her again a few times, and one of the others took the reigns when i was having an extremely stressful moment! but i don't think any of them have stuck around for very long.

i've been nervous to bring this up to my friends who are plural because- like, this sounds fake, right? having like, blips of plurality even though most of the time i'm pretty alone up here with my radio (the radio might also be someone else? it doesn't talk to me often though so i still feel lonely). and even though i can distinguish them and some of them are VERY different, i. i've never felt like, the disconnect of 'there's someone else in my head'. i've always seen them as, me, but not in the sense of 'yes that is myself' but in the sense that, if they Are here, we're all united under one banner. they are 'i' because they're all working together with me to be 'i', so there's no reason to think of them as outsiders. even if 'my' opinions or feelings change suddenly, even if its seemingly without cause, there IS a cause- they are 'i' just as much as i am. but people have said that's. not plural? when i tell them that? so i'm really second guessing myself.

i'm worried, is all. do you have any advice?

"they're all me, we work together to be 'i'" is like. textbook for what a lotta folks would describe as a "median system". something where the parts involved don't see themselves as fully seperate personalities but aspects of one larger self.

nothing you've said here sounds "fake" to me at all. to be perfectly honest

we personally find we shift back and forth between having strong distinctions between each other and our different senses of self. and acting more like a combined self where the handoffs between different headmates are less distinct and more fluid.

there's a wonderful range of plural experience and someone going "that's not plural" because it doesn't fit what they've seen or experienced is being kind of a dick.

having folks who only pop into front or communicate infrequently is a common enough experience too. I genuinely think if none of you is unhappy with the current state of things; the way you communicate, how your plurality functions, then there's nothing for you to worry about.

what you might find helpful, is trying to make more space for communication. If you feel lonely up there, wish you heard from folks more, sitting down and giving yourself time and space to try and communicate thru whatever methods feel most natural could be a good idea.

In the course of that you might find how you function as a system or how you conceptualize yourself shift somewhat. But it's also totally fine if it doesn't. Your plural experiences are yours, and they don't need to fit anyone else's expectations.

[loachbrain]

some of us have distinct quirks when cooking which is fun. or whole specializations also. me for instance (or most of me? might be a subtle cofront situation rn or a period of rapid switching, I've been having some symptoms last few days) I'm very good at like making a full, rich meal out of a bunch of fridge scraps and preparing ugly but delicious, sloppy types of food.