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I started this project a while back with the intention of recording what we been thru and all our happy moments.it was meant to be a surprise gift for you when I ask you to be in an official rs with you when all the pages here are filled up with all our new memories...it was meant to be a long haul project as we continue to build n create our memories n lives tgt..but u guess this took too long and I underestimated how long it will be...n sadly we didn survive to see that moment....rmb I told u I've got sth for u, this was supposed to be it...all the times when I'm not responsive in the wkends, I was slowly mowing thru this....hahahaha..sorry it took so long to get to you...for the past month, I've really been contemplating whether I shld still give this to u, whether u will want it, whether by giving to u, it will bring u more pain than happiness or anything else... But I decided to still give this to u, as a record of what we've been thru...u can choose to keep it or not...though it will be quite sad to know that uve thrown this away...but if it does bring u more pain than anything else, just go ahead n do whatever u need..I honestly do hope that with this, u will be reminded of the good times in ur lives...no matter how difficult life may be in the future, i hope u will be reminded of ur own smiles n carefreeness n sillyness n loveliness. N know that u are loved n will be loved by others... I know Uve tried so hard n put in so much for me n us and I'm so thankful for that..but I honestly believe that the difference between us is too much and we underestimated how much it will take for us to match n overcome the differences...and I honestly cannot bear to know that I'm the one who will continuously cause u so much pain n tears....seeing u cry over me everytime became more n more difficult to tell myself that I'm doing u any good by still being with u...and therefore I'm convinced that this is really going to be better for us....at least I'm causing u less hurt...and I know I'm very selfish here for this is making my conscience feel better....but I've been selfish the entire rs...let me be selfish one last time.. When ure in Korea...pls do take care of urself...go n explore n see the world n whatever u want or whatever that comes Ur way, go and take a well deserved break and hopefully it will reignite or strengthen Ur determination to go for the things u want to do or achieve...I know last semester wasn't easy or ideal...with the new environment...this culd be the perfect chance for u to reinvent urself n ur identity... hopefully u can enjoy the time away from the responsibilities n expectations u feel here, responsibility towards Ur classmates/friends n expectations from ur family etc...these are things that doesn't need to follow u there if u choose not to let them...when the times comes at night (I'm guessing) that u misses home terribly or feel like u cannot take it anymore, rmb that u can come back whenever u want...I'm sure ur family n friends here will welcome u with open arms...and if u still wanna talk to me...im still here Lastly...thank you for loving me u lovable creature....

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My mom just said she wanna ask n talk to my bro j me abt some things. First thing she ask do we think my dad's being a little emotional recently...coz she heard from some ppl that being emotional may lead to ppl being suicidal or sth... And I asked what exactly did my dad do or say to her recently that made her feel that hes being emotional...and she said that time when she asked him to move out, he said n shouted no...and now that she thinks abt it...she's feeling a little remorseful n regret abt having done that... I had such a fire within me boiling when I heard that... First of all, she has always been acting n thinking just abt her needs n wants the entire time..she wants a divorce then have to go thru one, and she wants my dad to move out coz she can't stand he sight of him or sth...it has always been abt what she wants...and she nv quite think from anyone's else perspective...and then only when someone else (one of her religion's mates) said sth abt being emotional n linking that to suicide then it made her realise regret her actions..I don't even know if she thinks her actions have always been self centered or she's just feeling remorseful coz she may potentially cause my dad to be suicidal (in her influenced world view) And secondly, the moment I heard "coz someone else said being emotional can lead to doing wrong or bad things" my mind was so riled up, coz what does that person know...did she studied psychology or sth?is she a professional counselor to know what symptoms to look out for?yes, being emotional is one of the symptoms, but it does not unilaterally means the person will become depress or suicidal.. And now...my eldest bro is having a argument with her abt this...he's telling her if she really feels remorseful n wanna do sth to make things better..she shld do n say so directly to my dad...instead of asking us to be the intermediary...and he was telling her how she has always acted only in her interest...when she doesn't wanna know sth she basically don't ask n her response to problems that my dad may be facing is 'I don't know' her reason/excuse of doing things her way is coz she's just trying to "protect herself" is so flawed coz many times...she's just not considering how others may feel n only think abt how she feels n justify that as her protection...all that my bro is saying n telling her abt is so hitting my heart coz I totally agree with them.... But as I type this I also realise how similar I am to my mom...how I may be just so focus only on my emotions that I choose not to care abt how others feel, even if it's towards someone that I love...I also realise how self centered n completely selfish i am n can be...it also reminds me how the imh talk mentioned that our personalities are 40% like our parents and that frightens me that I may end up being just like my mom, esp at times when I do see the similarities between us

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Had a weirdest dream… Dreamt that i was having a forbidden incest rs with xiang boy kor and even when i said we shldnt coz we are cousins, we still did continue to make out….And there was this part of comparing him to yan kor and seeing who’s the better looking one… And i can clearly rmb the feeling that even though i know we shldnt n it kinda feels right…But i was happy n enjoyed every part n moment of that dream lehh…. Don’t know if this is suppose to imply sth or not…The forbiddeness of the rs or the fact that I’m dreaming abt another or sth…

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M & D

So feel like murdering ppl now...how the fuck u think it's ook that u do that to me n be so fucking angry when it's done back the same way u did?so fucking double standard n its as if u nv tried to uds how I wuld have felt when u knocked the door that way n I pointed it out to u,no it is how uve always been... Uve nv stood in ur child's perspective n uds what ur words n actions will make them feel...all u ever care was how u feel n think it's ur right to do or say whatever u want..so fucking bs Nd I'm not a fucking ATM, stop thinking it's OK to just ask me for money like that, like whenever ure low on cash

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Just went for xiang boy kor's wedding solemnisation & buffet..I'm in a love hate r/s with these kind of family gathering..on one end, I enjoy the company & fun times...but it always bring out questions that I don't know how or what to ans and issues that I don't wanna face or know abt....and it almost always make me envy the kind of familial relationships n accomplishments that they have....which totally makes me realise the flaws I have, the struggles I'm living with, n the distaste & frustrations I have with my mom..its sad...but so real n true

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what does it really mean to be a youngest child

normally when people make small talk or when you gossip about others, or when you judging a third party, it kinda always come up, he/she is clearly the only child, last child, oldest child, only girl/boy..it kinda denotes and signifies what kind of impression you make on others..

oldest- responsible 

middle child - neglected n can either be rebellious to seek attention or totally slipping under the radar. 

only child/youngest/only girl or boy - willful, pampered, self centered and dependent..n the occasional attention seeking..

and all these impression is coz if ure any of the these above ^, ure the most loved, most doted and favourite child comparatively..

kinda is true for alot of case i guess, but  for my family, what being the youngest n only girl meant was these:  

  first, ure the messenger in bet ur parents, esp when they fight...ure forced to pass messages because ure parents dont like each other too much to talk to each other themselves but they dont divorce each other coz i guess they still wanna keep a family intact...and what this means for the youngest child is that u are expected to endure and experience all the anger and dislike directed towards each other from both of them…and I guess this part wasn’t thought out as well….but what did the parents expect the youngest to behave n react in this case? Knowing that both ur parents cant stand each other, do u want the youngest to take sides or not take sides? Is the youngest expected to take the heat first, filter away the emotions n distain for each other on her own so there will be less fighting between her parents? Is the youngest even allowed to feel hurt n upset by how much distain her parents have for each other and how dysfunctional this family is? Or is she expected to be able to reel all these emotions in and do as she is told n pass all the difficult messages coz the adults cant bloody do it on their own…and I always thought parents wuld want to protect n not involve the child as much as possible…but guess not.. and then u wuld also wonder, why does it need to be the youngest child taking the messenger role, what happened to her 2 other brothers? Well…nowhere to be found in this situation apparently…

next, being the youngest child means ure the punching bag for everyone in the family…even in ur extended family as well…if ure the youngest, everyone in the family automatically assumes they have a right to talk down to u, and assumes that ure expected to respect everyone else who are older than u…ure not allowed to have an attitude, even when ure being scolded and humiliated.. because seniority in the family equates to u having to respect them (funny thing is, they don’t even practiced it among themselves!) but because ure the youngest, even when they vent their frustrations on u, talk down n belittle u, scold u for having an attitude, ure expected to take it all in like they are right? And even if uve done absolutely nth wrong, if u talk back, u wuld be having an attitude, if u disagree, u wuld be having an attitude, if u wanna defend urself, u wuld be having an attitude, if u wanna ignore what they say, u wuld be having an attitude…it wuld be worse if ure in the wrong somewhere somehow, no matter how small a wrong it is, people wuld automatically think, u don’t even have a right to talk…and that’s not the worst part of it all, if ure with ur extended family, and imagine, ure the youngest child of your mom, who is the youngest sibling in her family, everyone (ur cousins, ur aunts, ur uncles) all suddenly have a right to talk about u in front of u and express all their opinions abt u as freely as they want.. how they wuld make u feel is not in any part of their consideration, coz they are older n ure the youngest there.. so ure expected to accept whatever they say as the truth or the holy grail, no arguments since u wuld be seen as disrespecting the elders.. even if they surround u  or talk abt u in another room so loud that u can hear n decide to comment on what they like or not like abt what u wear/do/behave, even when u can hear the distinct disapproval/pity/condescension/criticism in their tone, even when ur own mom instead of backing u up, agree n invite more of ur extended family to comment on u, ure supposed to stay there like a fool, nod n agree pretend to agree & accept what they say…coz once u come back with a reply, ure talking back n disrespecting them…and that wuld instantaneously equate to eternal sentence as a non-filial, disrespectful n rude person.. so being the youngest��u have to suck ALL of these up…and pretend that they don’t affect u or bring u down at all..

and if u still think being the youngest child is not that bad a life, think again,

if ure the youngest, or rather if ure the only girl..ure the part time maid n the errand boy girl in the hse… because ure the girl, ure expected to help out in the hsechores, from vacuuming the hse, to washing the dishes, to folding the clothes, to hanging up the clothes, those are all on u…well…ur brothers are expected to help too…with 2 thing, which is 1) to carry the bamboo poles hanged with clothes in and 2) to buy and carry back the rice sack…coz they are too heavy for a girl… oh…and ure expected to run all other kinds of errands… buy back whatever needed for cooking the meal… bringing anything to any other neighbour/ relative/ paying for whatever delivery service expected…ure expected to do all these, ure expected to AUTOMATICALLY n VOLUNTARILY help ur mom because URE A GIRL…and when u don’t, when u whine n complain n argue n get upset that u don’t want to…u become the ungrateful person in the family…but even when u comprise and see to help decrease ur mom’s workload by doing all these chores for ur own portion (meaning, u wash ur own dishes, keep ur own clothes, vacuum ur own room) its still not enough…coz ur brothers don’t know how to bloody clean up after themselves n leave a mess after they bathe/eat/in their room, it becomes ur duty to help ur mom to help clean up after them…and that makes u wonder, who are the older children in the family! And if u refuse to help ur mom to clean up after them, ure the petty n calculative person who doesn’t know how to help… and when u question when cant ur mom force ur brothers to clean up after themselves like how she forced u to learn, the only ans u get is coz theyre boys n ure a girl, that’s why ure expected to do it… ure expected to fulfil these duties till the extent that when ur mom returns home, she will drag u out of ur room to question u if theres any mess left undone… oh but wait…the best part of it all is when u do actually complete these chores she asked of u, regardless how unwilling n reluctant u were, u get scolded n drilled n hated if u cant do it right…or do it accurately according to ur mom’s way…its like if u don’t do the chores her way, follow her every step, ure not doing it properly…and if u don’t do it properly, ure expected to redo till shes satisfied…its like u get flaked for not doing the chores n u still get flaked after u start doing or have done the work (great life I guess!). and no matter how many arguments n fights u go into abt being scolded when ure the only one doing any of the chores, and no matter how many times ur mom ends up saying she wuldnt ever ask u to do any chores again, theres always a next time when she expects u to do it all over again…and imagine going through these for at least 1 decade of ur life…till ure still the only one who learn how to clean up after herself with her older brothers still leaving a mess for god knows who to clean up, till despite the many times u talk abt equality of genders (esp on this hsechores issue) and the situation still goes on, till ure so tired of hearing the reason because ure a girl…u become so soo regretful that ure born a girl in this life

imagine for 2/3 of ur life, through ur childhood, ur adolescents years, even till ur young adulthood, these are all that u rmb, all that uve experienced and all that uve felt…all the unresolved anger, the disappointment, the hurt, the pain, the lack of family warmth that u secretly crave, it makes u start wondering why were u even brought this earth, into this family and ur question the very existence in ur family n ur life…so much so that all the dark n scary thoughts u have creep in back again…and even though ur mom still obviously treat ur brothers better (ie. With so much lesser distain as compared to what she has for u which u hear through even just her door knocks) but refuse to admit it, ure expected to have accepted, forgiven n forgotten abt it all…coz suddenly ure an adult, ure supposed to have grown out of that rebellious phase…and if u don’t, ure the immature, petty, unforgiving person who has an attitude…

to everyone who knows of someone in this position, the supposedly most doted n pampered youngest child position, let me enlighten u something…yes u do grow out of that rebellious phase, yes u probably have accepted the situation to be what it is…u may have gain better self-awareness n control of ur emotions n thoughts…u may be better at calming urself down during the countless fights n arguments…u may be better at choosing what words u use to express urself…u may be better at picking urself up n regaining inner peace after every seemingly endless fights n arguments…u may be better at choosing to ignore so much judgments n criticism u encounter, u may have even forgiven ur family or extended family for what u have gone thru with them…but u will nv forget the hurt, the pain, the disappointment, the resentment u have…because behind the super thick wall that uve relied on to defend urself lies a very fresh n open wound…it scabbed after every argument and tears right open when the nx fight happens…even though the scab is so thick but the wound is so raw n healing so slowly that u wonder will u ever fully heal n be just ok…coz u don’t need to feel happy or connected to ur family or positively optimistic or warm, u just need to be ok…

so if u do know of someone like that, the youngest child/ the only son or daughter, don’t assume he/she has led a good n carefree life…or even if he/she is not the youngest or only son/daughter in the family, don’t expect u know all their story n start offering these self-righteous n assuming advice on how he/she shld deal with his/her emotions n family…

sincerely, 

the youngest child

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5th February 2014

Dreamt that I had to married this delusional n dangerous cult leader, who's going to have sex with me, to save my cousin /xinyi fr being married to him...n the mom of that guy taught me ways to avoid having sex with him moments before he returned...some religious practice that ascribed no sexual activity after practicing it...n I rmb feeling relieved n frighten out of my wits all at the same time....then my dad n xinyi's dad devised a trap to get me out...apparently they were trying to trick him into buying stocks that were overpriced...n somehow it worked...he fell for it...n I was released...can't rmb how I was released but rmb realizing this is my first time feeling such love n care fr my dad...abit delusional in its own right... N my nx dream was some rescue mission, no idea who's being rescued though...it felt like it was rescuing me but I didn see the face of who's being rescued...well anw, the ppl coming down had to repelled down into a basement holding place, somewhere out in an deserted land...can't really rmb the rest but I think the mission was successful..maybe these two r connected huh?

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my thank you messages

hello!i took a really long time thinking of a way to try to express my gratitude to you but all i could think of were the moments we shared.the good, the bad, the pleasant and unpleasant ones.and i realise that how much it warms my heart to have memories that i can reminisce about. so thank you, for all that you've done for me, for all the concern and support you've shown, for contributing bits and pieces to my life. i really appreciate it. i may not always do or say the right things, or be punctual, or keep in contact, or have the same opinions but i will always be grateful that i have all these memories with you.so please continue to be my dear friend, you will always have a special place in my heart :)

hello!i thought i would just thank you for making the effort to wish me for my birthday but i realise that i am not just thankful for that. im thankful that ive got all these small little moments that we share, that you have contributed bits and pieces to my life and it warms my heart knowing that these are the memories, you are the people that i will remember. so thank you and please continue to be my friend even if we dont keep in regular contact. i will always like to have a friend like you :)

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when im with ppl that im suppose to trust and rely on and claims to really know me...i just speak freely..and shldnt that be the case? not that i will let out hurtful or vicious comment...but i dont have to think so hard of everything i have to say i dont have to edit my thoughts and words so much more than what i do with others...and u shldve been able to recognise n uds this..but the feeling that u made me feel was probably one of the reason i close up to u...coz u judge me and punish me for everything i say even more harshly than those that i dont trust...u get upset and frustrated and annoyed and made me feel like i shld just shut up...how is it that i wuld want to tell u anything? i cant have a face coz it will be just too stupid or annoying to watch...then what is it u want me to do?what was it u wanted me to do then? and whenever i think abt this part...this part of u blaming me for not telling u anything, of not trusting u, i get upset and angry...coz u made it sound like its all my fault that i dont tell u stuff....but that person who really wanted to hear everything ive got to say and whos so accepting of whatever i say was gone...thinking back...i think i felt the most terrified and effortful of talking to u, telling u stuff or just simple chit chatting with u amidst lots of diff ppl for a really long time...

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I'm stuck in the sea I'm lost in the dark 123 And ure not here And u didn call 432 I can't fall asleep but ure not beside me I don't think I'm impt to u anymore So there's no reminding to be done So we are not friends anymore? Coz we are not doing what friends are suppose to do I've cried so many times on my own... Uve nv said it out loud but the silence is so deafening and so obvious that Uve let go n said ur goodbyes So I can't count on u N u can't count on me

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i think i just had a meltdown just now while packing my room abit

it was so cluttered and it was getting to me

and as i was packing it dawn on me

part of the frustration and upsetness i have been dwelling in recently was really that i am angry at u and at myself.mostly at myself for wanting to talk to u so much more than u to me.and it frustrates and hurts a bit everytime i feel this u that doesnt seem to put in the effort like i am trying

and maybe this was how i made u feel.not making u feel like being wanted as much as u wanted me

and maybe this was or is how i made my friends feel. 

and i dont know how to make it right. right now im just doubting every single aspect of me and im not getting anywhere working this problem on my own.

and i wish i could have the guts to cry or signal out for help. but i cant. cant bring myself to do it. i think its my pride. coz maybe thats the only aspect im sure about myself now. 

and i want to blame u for making me this. before u, i could have survived this on my own. but now. i just cant remember how to be on my own. survive on my own. this loneliness and stark reality how little i can or do actually rely on my friends. but i know i cant really blame u for this. i let u do this to me. and so i really want to blame u but i cant. 

i thought the way to get me to stop dwelling in this is to move on and find some other person to occupy my thoughts with. but theres no one. and i think its me and me. im not doing it right. but like i said. i dont know how to go back to right. and theres no one to help me get over this. and all the same while, i despise and cant really believe that i would want to rely on some other person to pop up for me to move on. it goes against whatever i stood for in the past. or maybe im just a big phony. claiming everything could be done and dealt with so logically and so 洒脱-ly. but it really seems like i cant. its far from the ideal response i thought i was capable of giving. 

this exasperation. i just want to get out of it. but i really dont know how. 

should i fake happy and alright to everyone. till the moment that i actually feel happy and alright?

and part of me just wonder when will ppl actually read and uds all these locked posts?

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i think uve found someone else.or rather someone else has entered ur life. and i dont know how to feel about it. 

i dont feel good.that i know.i dont know its disappointment in u or in me. or its hurt or anger i feel. or is this called jealousy? but its like "oh uve got someone else" and it goes bam - we are really over; and bam - im no longer in ur life anymore; and bam again - ure alrdy moving on? and im still stuck here feeling like this for u (or for myself)?! 

and i dont know if all these are directed at u or at myself. i really really cant tell now. its just all messed up in my head. and no matter how much i tried i still cant figure it out. i dont want to make it into a competition of who gets over who first. coz it shldnt be. but maybe thats what i need to motivate me to get over u with someone else?

argh.my heart hurts just feeling all these

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and i dont want us to be just strangers with some memories together. 

u had been this huge part of my life. and it changed me completely. knowing u did that to me. u made me realise how much and how little i am and can be. and perhaps months or years later, i will thank you for letting me know that about myself. but for now, i am really working hard to learn to be ok on my own again. and i cannot deny how much i miss u, how much i miss us and the effect u have on me. i remembered on my birthday i cried. and i still remembered why i cried. its because i realise at that point that we were just using borrowed time. and eventually all these between us will end. and it did end. before i realise it alrdy ended. maybe sooner than we both expected to. and i am sorry how it ended. i wished it could have been a better way to part things. and i know how self indulgent i was. and maybe how self indulgent i still am now. but i am sorry for all that ive hurt u for. it really was some amazing time we had. one that will always be close to my heart. and right now, i just hope we can eventually be friends with some amazing memories together and be able to look back and laugh and smile at all those times again. 

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mothers' day...suppose to give thanks to mother...yet im just filled with reasons why i cant bring myself to give thanks to mine...horrible?ungrateful?down right selfish?yea i think so...but why really? shld i give thanks to mine?coz she gave birth to me?coz she gave me food and shelter?if thats the basis of giving thanks to mothers, that as good as giving thanks to just a person who raised me or sheltered homes....or god actually....coz what a mother shld do, is so much more.....ure suppose to love ur kid, care n show concern abt them...not so much as just give them food n shelter....coz all these yrs, what shld have been done, whats supposed to be a mom's responsibility beyond just giving food shelter n life, i nv really felt it....its ur job to know ur kid...not to judged ur kid...to observe n tell what ur kid needs....not throw them whatever they dont need or want n expect them to be grateful...thats like a tyrant, not a mother.... so my mom, on this very day cant even tell theres sth different abt me today....let alone tell that im having a high fever....so she can jolly well enjoy whatever gratitude she receive from my brothers...coz i cant give that to her

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If one day ure bothered to ask or I get a chance to tell u....this is what I will say... It's pressurising being with u...it's like I constantly have to check the weather....n when I think it's safe...boom sth is wrong....n I'm doing this coz I'm finally forcing myself to realise n accept things r not going to be better...since its like ure not going to change till the extend I'm comfortable with....and neither am I going to be successful in becoming what u want...so I'm going to change how I'm taking all this in...and the only way I know how not to be affected by all this is to tell myself that u r not obliged n can dont care abt me...that's why I m allowed to do the same too...I think it will be easier for us both isn't it?

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Realise tt I wuld need ppl who have opinion n not afraid to voice or question me in a team...ESP with regards to work..if no one is to question me....n I end up being the main person leading the grp direction, I become so pressured since there's no one to validate the questions I have abt my work n alll

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And yes...of course I can't have an opinion or comment on this....because ure the tired one n that I shld not have made it harder n more difficult for u...that I shld just suck it up...coz I'm not the one who worked all day... So how is this not self absorbed?