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locshar · 7 years

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The White Princess Diaries- Ep 2

This is how the Yorks do York!!

The White Princess –Episode 2 but feels as if it should be Episode 14…

And he’s still not in it – even as a ghost…

Good news TWP diary readers!

This one will be a lot shorter!

Partly because I got bored half way through and decided to find out how long it took my colour-changing kettle boil water. Honestly!

BUT – I had been told my most favourite guy (next to Aneurard) would be making a star appearance – which was very magnanimous of him as he never appeared anywhere in TWQ (at least not in the Starz version eh diary readers…he! he! he!)

So – I girded my loins, poured a very tall drink, and began:

Warning! Social media revelation!

Remember that little craze about the ‘is the dress black and blue or blue and gold?’ I bet you didn’t know it was a Tudor invention. Mini-Lizzie-ish wears one gown throughout the whole of this episode, despite getting rounder with a big- but big- but definitely a bit bigger baby. I was so relieved to see that the Battle of Bosworth made very little change on the budget for women’s clothing (apart from a significant reduction in the size of Cecily’s hat collection and the fact that Henry now seems to be clad in the finest carpet)

Going back to said gown (yes we are) What is interesting ( to me anyway) is that the top of the gown was blue (I think) and the bottom of the gown was gold ( I think) and to me it seemed in danger of merging totally into one colour as she got bigger.

Or – it could have been a cleverly crafted represented her transition from the House of York to the Bungalow of Tudor – so she sort of became a Yudor - not to be confused with Yoda! (Jedi is she? In the wrong production she is).

That’s that lot off my chest, so here we go, *strains of all too familiar music are heard ..*

Well – King Whoenry appears to be wearing a smoking jacket (pity its not blazing) and Mini-ish Lizzie s in said confused about its identity dress. (apparently now available to buy £40 should do it). All to show you that he now really fancies the bloomers off her and she is playing all hard to get (see that attitude disappear by episode three…) #spoileralert?

Oh for George of Clarence’s sake – now we have the Battle of Bosworth being reenacted in a bird cage. Honestly! It’s a bird cage! ‘How cheep’ I hear you say! And you would be right to twitter! I think they made it out of all the spare wood from the trees they hauled into Bruges – er I mean – Westminster –when Eddie had that marvelous masked ball! You know! The one where his wife wore a unicorn head and his brother went beserk!

But who is that by the door? Oh my god – its Moaning Morton – we know it is him because he tells it is and is very helpful by also reeling off all his titles because he is also very peeved that he was not in the earlier episodes. After all, did you know it was him who actually persuaded Rory of Buckingham to have that awful haircut!

Now Dr Whoenry is going on a royal progress. An ideal time for the flowers in the attic (which is where Woodiwitch and her children now appear to live) to regale us with lots of little details that we would not know have happened since King Richard was killed (sob sob sob wail! I will never get over that….obviously)

Apparently Stafford has not bent the knee (well there were two of them really so there would be four to bend)

Hang on! Cursed Codpieces! Francis Lovell did what?

Now apart from all you first time TWQ watchers who may be going “Who?” I can assure you that Francis Lovell (King Richard’s best mate and part-time camoflague expert) NEVER EVER EVER bent his knee to Tudor.

Now – I admit. He may have wanted to bend his knee and plant it squarely in the royal jewels area of a certain Chewdor bloke, but that’s it. Now it appears “Lovell is our man and when we find him…”

Well best of luck with that then as I searched all ten episodes three years ago with a tooth comb and a magnifying glass and never got a sniff! But, for dramatic licence I bet Nokia Ned may suddenly have his GPS turned on and find him with no trouble at all #spoileralert

Now they are all getting dressed in up in everything to go everywhere (Yes they are EE Mobile) – but not York. It seems there is no service there. Or no one wants to pay service to him. King Henrywho decided to wear black (very fitting) and even found a sword to play with. Even if he wasn’t quite sure which was the sharp end.

Shirking Stanley loves his new velvet beret so much he has hardly taken it off at all since he bought it. And I bet is it reversible!

Even the horses are decked in gold plastic – sorry – expensive gold armour.

King Whoenry is in a real strop because he keeps telling us there is NO WAY he is going to York as they are all bad men up there who loved a man who according to some historians never ever went further than Warwick. But Mini Lizzie-ish is determined he will go to York, because she is secretly writing to her ex-lovers very best ex-mate who you haven’t seen before and asking him to kill the husband she now has and making him an ex-husband! This series is almost ex-rated. (its certainly not ex-citing)

Because King Whoenry is scared, he puts his best crown on and crows on about Margaret of York (last seen in 1468 exiting over the channel) has attacked two ships with the aid of Captain Jack Sparrow – and has obviously done that because Henry is such a clever usurper he has stopped all her trade restrictions (God this is painful and apologies – I invented the Capt Sparrow bit in there just to liven up the script. It was actually Capt Birdseye)

The silent ladies-in-waiting can't be bothered to wait and all bugger off somewhere to be silent somewhere else but no one realises – or cares.

Now there’s rather a lot of royal mail – and no where near enough of a certain royal Male –as there are letters flying about all over the place. To Francis Lovell, and Harry Stafford (the dead one?) and my sainted the king’s lady mother.

Ooh look – just in time! it's Nokia Ned. And he has a letter saying Henry’s no good in bed – does no one realise he could have just sent a text and stayed in the stables?

Lizzie-Mini-ish is now off to York because King Whoenry has been told if he doesn’t go to York he will have to go to bed with no dinner.

Everyone is worried about Mini-Lizzie-ish because although her child is blooming no-one can even see it beneath the very slim 22 inch waist encased in the gold-not blue-not gold gown. I’m not. She is not pregnant – obviously – only in this epic – sorry episode!

But now she can’t go because of the swearing sickness – oh sorry – it’s the sweating sickness – its just this episode which is making me swear. So instead of her daughter the older Lizzie-ish decides she is going to York and even packs a nice flock suitcase –and uses Nokia Ned to print off her bedding – sorry – boarding passes.

I then got very confused – but maybe because my kettle actually started to boil colourfully! There were some children, the sight of King Henrywhos chicken legs in bed and then the children appeared to be being attacked by Cardinal Moaning. (Well we didn’t see any of that in TWQ did we ladies! Hmnnn? What does that say about a Tudor court?)

Basically Lizzie-Maxi – is now a prisoner to prevent her going north of Warwick and Moaning Morton will pray for her - like bugger he will!

Can I summarise this next bit? Please? Great!!

1. Henry has a cloak by Axminster. It certainly isn’t a shag pile!

2. His armour appears to be gold PVC

3. Everyone is getting sick (I know the feeling)

4. Lady Elizabeth De La Poodle (geddit?) is shocked when she is told she can no longer ride side-saddle because times have changed! Bloody hell! Thank god for the Tardis! We are obviously now in the 19th Century!

So they all sod off to York (other northern cities are available)

Lizzie Maxi is now ripping up her underwear, writing on it with blood, and giving Nokia Ned another ring. Unluckily this time, he doesn’t pick up. He’s a bit thick and it takes his horse – Shergar – to tell him his phone is ringing (sorry – show him where Elizabeth’s ring has landed in the long grass!)

Suitably engaged (he! he!) – she now flings her underwear out of the window so that Nokia Ned can hoof it up to a nice country mansion where Francis Lovell may well have been living since 1473.

Now that King Whoenry has left London – Moaning Morton is shutting the whole of the city down and leaving everyone in the dark. Teddy (the Earl of Warwick – not the dead one tho) wants to play “Fox and Geese” but Moaning Morton has hidden all the toys away. Bloody spoilsport! I bet that is because even Teddy could have beaten Dr Whothehellishe at board games.

Now The Duchess of Hatlessfield is back and so goes to visit everyone in the dark and is so pissed off she decides she is going to Burgundy because that’s where all the booze is!

But meanwhile…somewhere in leafy England… the postman has arrived…..Nokia Ned rings a bell ….a door opens… an old man with an Aneurin-Bur coloured beard answers the door and takes a letter from him…no one speaks a bloody word mind you during this scene…..so this could be a completely different programme or the adverts…but then, the letter says….something like…

“Dear Francis Lovell, I know you really have lots of important titles as you were the most influential man in England apart from the King in 1483-85 but I am rapidly dying of blood loss and have already written 40,000 words. We are so sorry but we won’t be able to meet you in York now as my battery is flat and London is completely in the dark. As we can’t get there would you mind awfully forgiving Emma Frost and Philippa Gregory for leaving you out of The White Queen completely and for not casting Henry Cavill in your character now they have realised you actually existed - and go and stab Henry for me. Thanking you in anticipation. Ex Queenie and her sprogs”

Now I know we didn’t see Aneurard’s best mate inTWQ (neither did he) but I know a few things about Frank (we are on good terms!)

a) He was not older than Aneurard – or King Whoenry – in fact he was about the same age as King Whoenry.

b) If he had a beard – it would not have been that one.

c) He did not spend his months after Bosworth living in a house, a very nice house in the country….he spent most of them in sanctuary

d) He did not bend his knee….oh, done that one.

So – after a lot more of whatever went on – we are in York! And the good people of Yorkshire have already heard about King Whoenry as the mayor ( I assume) steps up – looking all northern in the best Starz tradition – ie he is wearing a pork pie hat – and hands over all his money to the king. You didn’t see that in TWQ either #justsaying

There is a flurry of activity, Gandalf in a blue cloak – oh sorry I think that is supposed to be Francis – and because King Henrywho can’t hide behind anyone this time he gets wounded. Disclaimer – other versions of this historic visit to York are available.

Cue horses riding about in Sherwood Forest ( aka Yorkshire) Bells ringing – a very dark church where the king takes refuge and a sudden clarity when he remembers he is 28 years old. Nice to know they got his age right here – they couldn’t make their minds up in TWQ.

So, the rebels with a bloody good cause ride north and are chased by Stand Up Stanley. But him and his 30 men are stopped by 5 rebels parked across the road and as Francis disappears into Sherwood forest in his hood ( this is how legends start girls and boys) Stanley – or it could have been Grasper Chewdor – bored now - decides that 30 against 5 is not good odds for him so they let them go.

They then report back to King Whoenry that they lost him at Middleham. Where? Is a entire audience now looking around at each other and saying “Where’s Middleham?” OK – think north of Sheriff Hutton…sorry Woodville Manor North Yorkshire!

And still Francis has not said a word as he rides of back to Bestwood…with his merry rebels and a friar – they are so tired they need to find some tuck….

Well that excitement over – heres the rest in a nutshell…

I. Lizziemini is still in the same frock

II. People are dying of the swearing sickness – I call it that because Dr King Whoenry swears it was nothing to do with his mercenaries brought out of prision to usurp a country

III. Lizzie maxi is playing Rapunzel in a Tower

IV. A priest is smoking in the diddly diddly cloister

V. Henry can write (see below)

VI. Lizzie ish pisses off Moaning Morton by breaking into the treasury and stealing all Henry’s (well Aneurard’s really) gold

VII. Breathing in very deeply is apparently a medieval form of abortion

VIII. Teddy and his sister give all the gold away to the poor ( Hurrah for the Yorks)

IX. Everyone is now playing ‘Fox and Geese” at least they are all wearing beaks

X. Lizzies (x 2) are both fed up of being cooped up ( I told you HortonhearsaWho was a chicken!)

XI. James of Scotland needs a wife – so Henrywho thinks it could be Lizzie (which one? Who cares? It doesn’t happen!)

XII. Mad Cags is told to stop flirting with NotGrasper

XIII. Princess Cecily doesn’t do much but at least she’s got off the bed but is writing secret letters to Mad Cags – well no one else want to hear her whinge

XIV. All of the people are suddenly cured and thank MiniLizzi for it – which pisses of her mum because she wanted everyone to die, whoever was left to blame the king, and whoever was left, probably Francis, to kill Dr Who.

XV. Yes, I am losing the plot. And the will to live (and what plot?)

XVI. King Henrywho suddenly realizes Teddy is not so bare of lineage as he thought – remembers he is a York – and locks him up in the Tower. That will be the last you see of him – until he is at least 54 and meeting Perkin Warden

XVII. Oh yes – where has he gone?

XVIII. The peasants are revolting ( the old ones are the best)

XIX. Dr Whoenry is so frightened that Mag Cags is going to knit him a personal bodyguard.

XX. The king is not at all happy that his wife is more popular than him and people shout out for her in the street (note to Lizzie – avoid Paris and Mercedes Benz cars)

XXI. Francis is now in Burgundy – I hope he has taken his Visa-card with him as if he ends up in the wine bar with Duchess Dyson it could be expensive. I bet she sucks up some drink!

XXII. Grasper and Strange – or it’s that Strange Grasper are being sent to Burgundy (psst don’t mention the trade restrictions!)

XXIII. Stanley is pissed that he wont get the chaunce to shew erf his accent and his nuu beret!

XXIV. As it is now raining the king is in a pac-a-mac. Its not just any pac-a-mac – it’s a designer leather pac-a-mac. Its DickheadNY!

XXV. Suddenly Not so Mini-Lizzi is nine months preggers and it is time for her confinement. The bloody lycra in that blue-but gold-but blue dress is amazing!

The end – I can’t wait for Ep 3 – apart from I can- just to see what happens when the booze cruise hits Burgundy.

Appendix 1

“Dear Mrs King Whoenry, this is your husband writing to you from York. Well, its my scribe writing actually as I don’t now how to and all the furniture has disappeared and so I am stuck with standing up, swanning around in my best Berber, and glowering at everyone like a sulky teenager. A man you will never have heard of called Francis Lovell has stabbed me in the flesh! Yes! Me! I have flesh! Ok I know it looks like scales but I am using medication and hope it will get better soon….anyway… so I am wounded. Not mortally. In fact, its barely a fleshwound. More of a scratch really. In fact, it probably never happened at all. So, I am coming home. Its raining, my carpet is very wet and heavy, my plastic armour chafes and as I have eaten my fill of Yorkshire Parkin. In fact if I ever hear the word ‘Parkin’ again, I will have someone’s head. Honest! Your Tudor husband, Doctor King Henry the King of Kings. PS…will you still be wearing that blue-but gold-but blue dress when I get home you minx? You know how partial I am to a bit of parti-coloured damask!”

Appendix 2 –

Dear Francis Lovell

If you fancy a pint, I can hop on the next P&O Ferry!

Much love – your favourite diarist (and author of Desmond’s Daughter).

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locshar · 7 years

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The White Princess Diaries - Ep 1 Part 3 - Don’t you wish it was him...

Having no choice in the marital maladies department - Dr Who invites Lizzie-Mini to a bit of a buffet – and there’s fruit and there is M&S fruit, but she is having none of it and - Yahoo! - at last the crown has gone! There is lots of innuendo about fillies and stallions and all I can glean from this is that Aneurard was a bit of a stud in bed. Well of course he was! Didn’t any of them watch TWQ if only for research purposes?

Caution – obligatory rape scene. Or not. No one gets undressed, one sits on the bed – the other stands up - and there is about a nano second of grunting and he’s blathering on about being the king and even quotes the royal “we.” Or the royal ‘weeeeeeeeeee’

Someone cries – me actually - and that’s it – its over. Its now all to see if she is fertile – spoiler alert – guess what is going to happen next…..

Oh how I miss Anne Neville at times like this – remember the candles, the bolsters, the freckles, the burning bush…the small but big but small baby! Sigh.

Who tells her he was thinking about Cob Face Cecily which is why he was only grunting for five seconds and not ten – and Lizzie-Mini gives him the best right hook I have seen in ages and I rewind so I can see it again and again. And again. She storms off back to the Travelodge where Cecily is….bouncing on the bed…

Mini Lizzie-ish says Dr Who is a bad man. You are telling me? He is also a twat…. And he can’t fight and doesn’t own any armour and even his horse ran away when he tried to hide under it…sorry – what plot? Oh – that one!

Well Dr Who has put his leather pants back on and now Cecily is paying him a night time visit to try and get her hands on his family jewels – but he has taken his crown off so she can’t. That makes her sulk even more. Told you. Cob face!

Grasper definitely needs to go on a diet but instead he is arranging to have Coronation Chicken – that’s the coronation of a chicken for those in the know (bock bock bock…)

Grasper (Mk 2) has huge bags under his eyes. Well that’s what you get for murdering people…serves you right – I hope your chicken chokes you – in Leicester!

So – Lizzie-Mini has to have a child first before Who will marry her or invite her to have coronation chicken. Jeez and they called Aneurard for fancying her pants off?? Now Dr Who is looking in the tower for the princes…ho! ho! ho! Remember when poor Aneurard had to do that and he looked under every sheet and in ever cupboard and chest he could find in the one room…it took him all of…30 seconds not to find them. But he did look bloody gorgeous whilst he was doing it. But fear not! Caitlyn Mags is going to do something - but I am not entirely sure what.

Oh bloody hell – Lizzie-Mini is now wearing a crown – well more like half a crown. And she’s getting a lecture from Caitlyn Stark who probably thinks Teddy is Tyrion so she wants him in the Tower. We’ve been here before… don’t forget. She’s now trying to make friends with Lizzie-Mini – God the woman must be desperate as she’s now whinging on about loyalty – something she has no contraception of. She put Dr Who on the throne she says – well someone did because it wasn’t him and half the people who turned up on the battlefield have been claiming they killed Poor Aneurard and Dr Who certainly was not one of them. He turned up in his Tardis after it was all finished!

Now Madder by the Minute Mags is fore telling the future. A boy will be born! (eh is she now Sisterbeth?) and he will end the Cousins War (the what?) – and his name will be Edward – I saw it on a spoon once!

Finally, the coronation – or something. It’s the cheapest looking coronation parade I have ever seen – it looks more like the Cleethorpes Carnival. Who travels on his own by horse and not a cloth of estate in sight and everyone has the same clothes on in the Travelodge so its good some things don’t change. Saves lugging a suitcase everywhere. Cecily is bouncing on the bed again…..Dobby eat your heart out!

The bells are ringing – which means Lizzie-Mini has to pay a visit to the toilet just in case she is pregnant …but as she has only been bonked by Who once and its all that soon as no one has any concept of time - she could just as well be preggers by Aneurard than Chewdorwho. Ooh! Idea! Could Aneurard turn up as his own son? He does get younger every year so it is possible? (scribbles note to Starz)

Lizzie Mini now wants herbs for belly pain – I know the feeling!

Nokia Ned gives Sisterbeth a ring – surprisingly no one has seen Perkin – er – Parkin at Turney…maybe he changed his mind and went to Disneyland. The jewel is missing – its probably on Dr Who’s head. Or it could be the jewel in the Nile – or in denial! The soldiers who went back to Yorkshire because they had lost their sat nav were told to slaughter any boys they found in WoodvilleLand.

Ahh Herod – don’t you wish you were here?

Dr Who is wearing an embroidered smock round his neck to eat coronation chicken in – if only it were tighter! Its like a big bib – but not a drool bib – obviously.

Caitlyn aka Mad Mags Stark raving mad looks on. Really - what are you doing in this series? I just saw you in Fortitude! However, I need some Fortitude as we are now at the coronation (again) and I can see the chicken but no food. Amusingly, Stanley is wearing a beret. Has he become cosmopolitan and begun speaking fraunch ce la vie?

And of course there are no clergy so it is left to Lady Stark to shout out to the assembled extras - ”God and the BBC save Dr Who!”

Now Margaret of Warwick has some Mandrake whereas I just have a headache. Lizzie-Mini still needs it to get rid of her belly pain – I want it to get rid of the past three years and see Aneurard again frankly.

Useful Medieval NHS tip :–Mandrake gets rid of babies and gives you bad dreams. Any resemblance to real or actual drugs is purely coincidental.

Lizzie-not so Mini soon – still wants Aneurard – and she’s still not alone there is she! I am only watching in a very faint, disappearing hope.

Cecily is bouncing on the bed again – for God’s sake I hope I never get put in that Travelodge room – and suddenly Sisterbeth Queen has donuts in her hair like Princess Leia. The fire – and the Werthers – are back and someone has peanut brittle as well so I have no idea what anyone is saying.

Lizzie-Mini-getting larger - asks Mumsy to kill the Tudors and I have to laugh now as the Queen of Tarts says she can’t kill anyone. What? She killed the Yorks (and she is now calling herself a York) Is she confused, crazy or just reading a crap script? So she says her spells are just pure luck really (Really?). Lizzie - not so mini - must not blame her not yet big or small baby for being a Chewdor. She has to make him tall and strong – just not fat and murdering like her grandson

So after giving childrearing advice (from a woman who sent a five year old off on his own to sea) Sisterbeth slinkers off then to – oh make a spell with some mandrake then!

Dr Who is happy cos he is having a child – it’s a miracle because a) he’s a bloke and b) he’s a bastard

Lizzie - bigger by the minute - now wants a wedding more than anything. Mad Caitlyn gets all ready to inform those who don’t understand this period by announcing that the baby will be a boy and will be named Arthur and will be christened in Winchester (where?)

Hang on? Arthur? Loud Splash as that bloody spoon gets thrown back in the river! But – hello! Aneurard – Arthureurard – there may be distinct possibilities here – we all know he can do young – and ride a trike!

Lizzie Major is getting her own wedding gown from Pradatagenet…purveyors of posh pregnancy plans to Plantagenet Princesses! It’s all ramping up now!

Queen Sisterbeth nicks a hair from Mad Mags Stark as she flies past her on a broomstick and goes into a dark place to wind it around a bit of mandrake and summon up one of those spells which are only luck really and not a spell at all - honest Mr Witchfinder General!

So – she makes Mad Starklyn see a ghostly white figure (yes – last seen walking next to Jon Snow) and wakes up shouting “Bring on the Wall!” Then she sees the White Walkers (priests to you) and the Red Wedding (oh sorry - that hasn’t happened yet….that’s at the end of the episode.) And a creepy, strange figure scuttles across her bedroom and climbs into bed with her but – oh sigh of relief – its only Thomas Stanley.

But a spooky, bloody mouthed child is looking in the window chanting that the male line of her family will die and Prince Richard of York will rise against her son. Bloody hell – the script if foreshadowing like mad now – someone hide the Malmsey! But then Mads wakes up and finds her nightmare has really begun as Stanley is in the nude. (not really but that would have been funny!)

So – as she instantly knew that her dream was a product of Sisterbeth’s ‘luck’ because she saw the last series, Mrs Stark tells Dr Who that he has a heir – but no hair – but he has to lock Lizzie-Maxis mother away because she keeps nicking all the donuts to plaster to her ears. Oh – and she may be a witch.

Here we go - another bloody wedding. At least she is under an umbrella. She also brought with her some very big baps – so good news for the reception then! There are new clothes all around – sponsored by Horse of Fraser.

Lizzie - extra plus sized - gets wed in Red – told you! The Red Wedding! She bemoans her lot and says she will fight for her brother to kill the monster that is Dr Who. She may even rename him Dalek. She will fight from within – which will be difficult whilst she already has a royal bun within the Plantagenet oven.

But she is stoic. She will be hidden and patient– and wait for her brother to rescue her. I hate to tell her that she may have a long wait – he’s currently queuing up for a go on Pirates of the Caribbean!

The wedding is all a bit hammy – I like a ham sandwich myself but who is the silent bloke in red and why is Grasper almost crying? It can only be that he has seen next weeks episode.

And so to Bedtime – and some very sad music which we all know well. Dr Who doesn’t want her and she doesn’t want him (well –she’s had Aneurard after all) Dr Who jumps out of bed holding his dagger (a real one - not a euphemism) and cuts her foot with a knife to keep her honour. And so that his son is not a bastard. Hard luck on that one mate! If you nip forward in your Tardis to around 1538….

I just wish they had used different bloody music as all I can see is shoulder freckles, an nice beef-cheek and candles and bolsters….please help me!

Now Lizzie not so mini is muttering something about H and P – HP Sauce? Tomato? Is that what they used? Cut to Truly Madly Magsy listening at the door – although why is anyones guess as he has already made her pregnant so what exactly is she listening for? Hoping he yells out Mummy?

So that was it. Did you get it? Only Duchess Dyson had avoided the complete head and in some places body transformation. There was so much foreshadowing I half expected to see some plans lying around for a car park in Leicester…

What will happen next….? Well, the preview has an unknown man with a bow and arrow in a fetching blue cloak with a hood up so he looks more like Gandalf or one of the demon children in Citadel. I wonder who that could be?

Let’s think…blue cloak, bow and arrow, in disguise…its bloody Robin Hood! The colourblind years!

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locshar · 7 years

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The White Princess Diaries - Ep 1 Part 2 - no - its still not him...

Ep 1 Part 2

So – Westminster then – and King Dr Who keeps pulling down all the lovely white rose banners and beautiful murrey and blue boar banners saying “Burn them!” (hmnnn –don’t I remember that line from Ep 2 series 1 about a portrait of Not Margaret of Banjo?) Now he’s on about burning snow – doesn’t that just make a lot of hot air? But he is a very lucky king because it is August in England and there is a lot of snow around. Ask poor old nude Aneur-not who apparently is still laying on Bosworth Field four days later.

It is moving in day and Dr Who takes the bouncy kings bed – forgetting the springs will have gone because it once belonged to Ever Ready Eddy and Caitlyn Stark – sorry – Mad Mags - gives herself an upgrade and nicks the penthouse suite….which is apparently ‘just through this passage…” Exit stage left…

Meanwhile….Parkin is still hiding in a loft in Yorkshire…..he’s a right pudding – obviously. And still blond. What I don’t understand is why he couldn’t have gone to court with his mother with a towel round his head. It worked last time and if anyone asked him he could say he is waiting for his new hair colour to take hold.

But hey - Lizzie-Mini-ish and Ex-Queen Sisterbeth now arrive in London and have a pool party – at least they all gather around the Pools and it is still snowing believe it or not. No wonder Parkin is going to Turney – for the weather if nothing else.

So lets all go see the king – Who? Oh yes…him. You will recognise him – he wears a crown ALL the time. Makes him feel important. And king. Just in case anyone thinks he shouldn’t be there. Or be king.

Pleasingly, we now have diddly diddly cloisters instead of diddly corridors…and “The Yorks” - as Sisterbeth is now calling herself - all get shown to a Travelodge as Mad Caitlyn has nicked all the best hotel rooms in London so she can invite all her saints to enjoy the coronation.

All the family fit into a single room with one bed. Princess Cecily immediately has a cob on and is walking round with a face like a slapped-arse. Who knows why? No please – if who knows please tell me! They are given some women who never speak as ladies-in-waiting who remind me of the ladies who never spoke who were Duchess Isabels ladies-in-waiting. Remember them? Or even her?

Rumours in the city are once again rife -and it would appear that Dr Who may be considering marrying his mother because she’s in the queen’s bedroom and he doesn’t want to marry a horse. What? Oh a whore! (sorry the medieval juke box in this tavern is doing my head in and I can’t hear what gossip this bloke in disguise is telling me – I have no idea who he is. He just said to call him Frank) Note – this bit may have only happened in my head.

Dr Who is now flexing his political savvy by revoking all English trade with Burgundy. Er - because the Duchess of York (remember the fleeting shot of her leaving England some episodes ago) was always trying to catch him and execute him. Which was some mean feat seeing as he was in Brittany and then in France and never went out.

We then hear a well known saying that I last heard murmured in Dothraki. The princes are dead. King Aneurard killed them.

“It is known!” (wink wink nudge nudge) someone murmurs quietly - hoping they don’t get done by GRR Martin for plagurism.

The stupendously loyal Earl of Lincoln is presented to Dr Who. He used to be Richard’s heir – and not his hair obviously, and the good Doctor threatens to take everything he has and says he is hair to nothing – or hair to eternity or something (well not if he shaves that beard off!) Not to be fooled by such a ploy – King Aneurard’s loyal nephew immediately pledges his allegiance to become Dr Who’s new companion which makes Duchess Dyson suck in deeply! She is disgusted and reminds all the Puddles that their sister in Burgundy would never stoop so low – but she was quite short when we last saw her so what that means is anyone’s guess. But Dr Who sneers that who cares because he has revoked all her trading privileges so nah nan a nah nah! This is a man so powerful he can enact laws without parliament. Yes Henry – you know – Parliament - it’s a big building on the River Thames! I keep forgetting you are not from around here.

Then Grasper Fatboy grabs the old lady and she is hauled off to hoover the tower apartments. Then up steps Teddy who wants his uncle back – don’t we all I hear you say. All of this is done underneath a bloody big boar banner – and Dr Who gets a bit uncomfortable when Teddy helpfully points out that one day he will be king instead. Brave boy if not very clever. As everyone mutters in shock and awe some set dresser rushes on unseen and changes the banner because next thing it is green and Teddy is so confused he is fooled into saying “God save the king.”

Teddy then loses his lands which he never had because he was under attainder anyway and they are given to the Stanleys for being traitorous bastards at Bosworth.

Now in private, Dr Who is calling Mini-Lizzie-ish a horse and saying he won’t marry her. Nay Nay I hear you say. Well – I think this is what he said as the fire in their chamber was crackling very loudly at the time. Either that or the preview audience were all tucking into Werthers Originals – which are much more original than whatever this is we are watching.

Back at the Travelodge on the A1, Young Cecily is bouncing on the bed as her mother writes a letter. Oh God not in blood this time please….and if Cecily bounces on that bed much more I am going to christen her Cobby the Castle Elf.

Relief! Queen Sisterwitch is only writing a letter to Turney to see if her son got there all on his own at around 10 years old and still in his nightie….she is worried he might not have made it (really? Whatever gives her that idea?)

Now the diddly diddly cloisters are all wet from the rain so it must be water music. Oh, I do miss Anne Neville at these moments…I can still hear her clling “Izzy, Izzy –lets get busy” as the music played.)

Whats this? Queen Woodville is meeting some young stud in the stables – and now sending him to Turney. She gives him a ring….because he is mobile – God! Could this be Son of Blackenberry? He has things to communicate!

His name is Ned – or Nokia Ned to you! Beware my son – skulking around that woman with that name you are in mortal danger of being bonked to death and not making episode 2. Unless they bring you back as Cardinal Morton as I haven’t seen him yet.

On the way back she bumps into Mad Lady Stark and I am really not too sure what she has done to her skirts since she became My Lady the Dr Who’s Mother. I think she has them stuck in her knickers to expose her saints knees as they are all tucked up at the front!

As they glare at each other in the musical cloister, they have a Game of Thrones Off – “My sons throne is bigger than your Lizzie-Mini’s throne” Hang on – script written by who?

Item: The music is very annoying as it is the original soundtrack and I keep looking up in heated anticipation but no – no fetching blue doublets or dancing eyebrows here…shame! I could cry! The music, the memories, the script….

Dr Who is now visiting Lizzie-Mini-ish and says she has to dress him – I think. Well he does appear to have put on a Ralph Lauren polo shirt under this doublet and Cecily certainly has her eyes on his Henry Tudors…

The Werthers are back and above the crackling Dr When wants them to dance for him. Well I have seen some dancing in my time but this takes the Captain Biscuit. And now that bloody banjo is back and Lizzie-Mini-ish and Cecily the House Elf they are sort of dancing like Ed Balls and Russell Grant being regaled by buskers on the Pan Pipes. All together now - Step left, step right, step forward step back, step left step right, step forwards step back…. Shake it all about. You get it…

Oh that Dr Who King bloke is a smug bastard- I want to smack him in the Tardis! He gives Lizzie-Mini a motto as he wasn’t there for Christmas and she’s a bit of a cracker. Humble pie and pestilence…sorry the insane fire crackling may have made me hear that wrong.

Dr Who gets angry because he still doesn’t want to marry Lizzie-Mini…yawn – yeah right. Then a man turns up in a rugby hat but I don’t know who he is or where he is from and as he doesn’t introduce himself I take it that he is actually Olympic de la pool….(A friend and I have seen that hat before and on a man eith beard and in a pool!) It’s a sign! Of what I am not quite sure!

As I said earlier, Dr Who goes EVERYWHERE in his crown and now he is folding his arms and sulking in a corner until his Mad Caitlyn Mother nags – sorry – tells him that he has more divinity than anyone she had ever met. Divinity? Div more like and take off that bloody crown for five minutes please - we get it! We do! You cheated and you are king! King Dr Who! Or someone…

Ooh we are now in the YewMe garden – where there is a new maze that you can use for jolly japes to lose the silent ladies-in-waiting who follow you around with knowing looks which tell you they are really spies for the Dr. The maze is not so amazing as in true form they have all had the same clothes on for days – but it is also musical. Its made out of box hedge – so it is in fact a music box.

Now the man with bad hair who no one has introduced us to tells Lizzie-Mini she has to meet Dr Who in his bedroom alone – which pleases Cecily no end you can imagine! (Well we know what she is imagining but then she has already proved she is a bit dumb – some character development needed) Oh – I have just remembered – what has happened to Tom Dorset? You know – the Queens brother who kept his eyes and ears to the ground before he buggered off and joined Chewdor? Never mind – am sure he will crop up somewhere – or as some one…

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locshar · 7 years

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The White Princess Diaries - Ep 1 Part 1 - No - its not him!!

The White Princess Diaries….Ep 1 Part 1

(Subtitled – No-he’s not in it)

Welcome, my faithful diary friends. It’s been a while. And although our dearly loved Aneurard is now long departed after the combined dastardly deeds of M&S and Henry Chewdor – his memory still lives on in billowy tents all around the land.

So – now we have a squeakwal – The White Princess. The story of what happened to Mini Lizzie and all our dear friends after the world ended on 22nd August 1485 (or sometime around that date in 2013…which was quite possibly where a lot of our worlds actually started – remember “Do you love me Anne – and the King? Get on your horse or I will have you bound and gagged and thrown into a litter…Obviously…) Sigh!

Well then – as I know a lot of you can’t see the new Starz version of what may (or probably didn’t) happen after that snowstorm in August 1485 – let me see if I transport you into that world and make you feel like you are there. If only we could go back – preferably to August 21st 1485 with a kalishnikov)

Sitting comfortably? SB at the ready? Ferrero Rocher on hand? Let’s go back in time…….

We are told it is two days since King Aneurard was killed (sob) at Bosworth Field. Cut to Woodville Manor – North Yorkshire where Mini-Lizzie (ish) is staring out over the river. (Ok Ok I know already. Look – lets give Emma Frost the benefit of the doubt and assume that Woodville Manor is in the grounds of Sheriff Hutton – or at least somewhere near Warwick).

So - still two days after the Battle of Bosworth where the King of Gorgeousness was unjustly not employed to appear in this sequel. Its more than regicide it’s a bloody crime! He is no w-hair to be seen. Not even in flashback.

Well – apart from some hair (not his) and some skin (not his) then shots of not him being killed in battle with not his armour on – and then killed again for good measure with his armour off! Why not him was wandering around in snow in the middle of the holiday season without his pauldrons we will never know – despite what Thomas More or David Starkey tell us.

Back in Yorkshire (snigger) Mini-Lizzie (ish) is looking at her hand, obviously dreaming of wearing a big, stonking Ricardian ring. A white rose? A boar maybe? A set of Henry Tudors…...? But hark….here come soldiers! But whose? Oh the drama! Its like waiting to see which well loved character is killed off in Game of Thrones (maybe a slight over estimation there)

Cut to inside the manor house and here we encounter – all clad in their very best White Company night attire - er – Ex Queen Sisterbeth Woodville – once the witch-queen of England and suddenly her young son, Parkin Warden, has lost the towel he was so fond of wearing and no wonder! He has gone blond – (those bloody Leicester wigmakers get everywhere and I bet he has blue eyes) and now he must be hidden from the nasty Tudor soldiers who are rampaging towards the manor in true Ironclad style.

Ex-Queen Sisterbeth grabs Parkin - who she decides must to go to Turney……???... (Ok Tournai )– on his own! And without so much as an Oyster Card! Bloody hell – he’s only about seven and I didn’t go on a bus on my own until I was twenty two!

But the soldiers are speaking in best Danish/French/Egyptian (just to reinforce the fact that Chewdor had to import his own flat-pack army from abroad) or something - but they will never find Parkin as they can only smell women. A handy talent that! But not one that going to help Chewdor very much.

Well bugger my doublet! It’s Stanley! Lord Thomas himself and he appears to have found his brother. Stanley has shrunk and is beardless –well that’s what happens when you have to boil yourself to rid your skin of the stain of treachery!

And with William Stanley is there too! ( where has he been for the last 10 episodes?) Mind you as they both bear no resemblance to the people they were in TWQ - it is no surprise. They say battle changes you….it certainly changed them! It is a good job somebody kindly let us all know who they were by addressing them by their full names in true TWQ style so we knew who they were/are. A handy, plot shaping tool.

Unfortunately, they are going to drag Lizzie-Mini-ish off by the hair to her new bridegroom. Dear me - lets hope those extensions hold!

Now the men are off to Wingfield in Suffolk. For those that don’t understand the relevance of this – all you need to know is that is is probably near Warwick. (Ok I know where this is going. Its going to introduce a load of people who were never mentioned in TWQ but are suddenly relevant to the plot. Yes – there is one…)

The men are looking for the Earl of Warwick (told you). Bloody useless all of them. They need to know that a) one of them is dead and buried in Bisham and b) the other one is in Sheriff…sorry Woodville Manor ….Yorkshire. Or should have been – but of course he suddenly appears with his sister, who we last saw bouncing on her daddys knee – obviously.

And so we meet the ‘De La Pool’ family. There is John de la Olympic Sized Swimming Pool (Senior) and John de la Paddling Pool (Junior). He, of course, was Aneurard’s heir and in honour of this he has dyed his beard ginger…you know – the colour of Aneurin Bru! Ah loyaltie never dies! Good old John! Where have you been? (?????) Authors note: We appear to be now getting to meet so may new people who we never even knew existed before that at this rate we will soon be introduced to Francis Lovell! You know – the guy that was (or should have been) Aneurard’s best mate for at least six of the last 10 episodes of TWQ! Him!

But at least our old friend Duchess ‘Dyson’ Cecily is there - and she is indeed our old friend Duchess Dyson - but she’s been scared hatless. That's what happens when one son murders another - one dies after a fish supper and every man in Leicestershire and Wales claims to have struck the blow that killed the last one

However, she has not changed a bit (honestly) only is now sporting a rather splendid York Plait – the medieval version of a Chelsea Bun. It’s a family reunion with George’s children are there (obviously) and Richard’s sister Elizabeth too. Now you will recognise her as you haven’t seen her before….

Ooh now (apparently) it’s Grasper Chewdor! Well I think it is because frankly he’s a lot rounder and dresses a bit better and has someone with him who uses Rory of Buckingham’s hairdresser. They have all arrived early for the battle – at least Tudor did because he made himself king from the day before he actually got loads of other people to kill everyone and make him king. So everyone else is a traitor – nah na na nah nah!

Cut to Henry himself at Westminster – for our purposes is am going to call him King Who?- as he looks more like King John than Henry Chewdor (TWQ version) ever did – and I don’t want you to get confused. Ok?

He is dressed very grandly. Obviously he must have paid a quick visit to that well known designer royalty shop “You and Whose Armarni” and picked up a new cloak or two – and good old – not the old – but old - Mad Mags is with him – at least I think it is her – I have definitely seen her before. It will come to me….

She has gained in stature now she is Mad Mags Regina – in fact she’s about 1’6” taller so this battle stuff can’t be all this bad as everyone has had a bit of a makeover. Bosworth Bonus! To be continued….

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locshar · 8 years

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Fallen Heroes

JFK - Richard III

On the anniversary of the death of John Fitzgerald Kennedy , it struck me that there are many similarities between two of my personal fallen heroes – both of whom were both brutally killed before being able to realise their full potential as leaders.

Both leaders were of the Catholic faith

Both suffered the death of a young son whilst in power

Both were accused of treason by those who killed them (Dallas press editorial accused Kennedy at the time of his visit to Texas - Richard laughably attainted by Henry Tudor after he dated his own reign from the day before he actually became king by usurpation)

Both had health problems which affected their spines. JKF suffered from a persistent problem after rupturing a disc in his spine and also had Addison’s Disease. He wore a protective corset which led to him remaining upright after the first shot in Dallas - making him a prime target for further shots where others may have crumpled forwards.) Richard suffered from idiopathic scoliosis which we now know would have been barely discernable at the time he lived – both his clothes and armour being tailored to cover this condition. Very few knew of JKF’s health issues during his lifetime.

Both lost an elder brother before assuming power. (JFK’s elder brother, Joe Jnr - was originally the one groomed for Presidential power and lost his life in an aviation accident during WW2 - Richard’s elder brother was King Edward IV and was the heir of the York family after the death of the Duke of York at Wakefield in 1460.)

Both came to power under a cloud of controversy - JFK’s father was seen to have “bought” votes which swung the result in his son’s favour. Richard assumed power after declaring his nephew (Edward’s son – Edward V should he have been anointed) illegitimate on the basis that Edward’s marriage to Elizabeth Woodville was bigamous after he had already entered into a former clandestine marriage with Eleanor Butler.

In pictures, JFK can be seen fiddling with his small finger - portraits show Richard doing the same.

JFK did military service for his country and was wounded whilst rescuing the crew of PT109 - Richard also served in military service for his country and was wounded at Barnet.

Both suffered a major crisis early in their short reign - the Cuban Missile Crisis of 1962 and the Buckingham Rebellion in 1483

JFK picked the Texan LBJ as his Vice President which seemed an odd choice - Richard kept Lord Thomas Stanley on his council - despite knowing the man had shifting loyalties.

JFK was famously unhappy at the failed “Bay of Pigs” invasion of Cuba for which planning was underway before he became President - Richard was famously unhappy at the failed invasion of France during his brother’s reign.

Both suffered a scandal towards the end of their reigns involving beautiful blondes. (JFK was involved with Marilyn Monroe - there were rumours that Richard was designing to marry his niece, Elizabeth of York.)

Both killed in the heartland of their enemies. JFK had never been popular in Texas - Richard died in Leicestershire - the Lancastrian heart of the country ( and he's still there!)

Both were in power for less than three years

Both killed by treachery

Both killed on the 22nd day of the month

Both killed by fatal trauma to the head

On the last day of JFK’s life - Jackie Kennedy was handed red roses at Love Field airport - where the symbol of Texas is the yellow rose. The red rose is recognise as the symbol of the House of Lancaster before Henry Tudor usurped the throne.

The man arrested for the murder of JFK - Lee Harvey Oswald, was killed by Jack Ruby, on the basis that he wanted to save Jackie Kennedy the distress of having to sit through a trial. The Duke of Northumberland, who famously did nothing at Bosworth, was killed whilst collecting taxes in Yorkshire for Henry Tudor. It is rumoured his was killed by those loyal to Richard’s memory because he did not engage in the battle. There is now speculation that he did not join battle because he could not - and not because he had previously been unhappy with Richard’s dominance in the north. (But this is only very recent thinking.)

After JFK’s autopsy - samples taken went missing, including his brain. When Richard was discovered in 2012 - his feet were missing.

Mystery and speculation have followed these two men through history as debate after debate rages on who actually killed John Fitzgerald Kennedy - and what actually happened to the Princes in the Tower - whose final resting place - at whatever time they may have died - has never been discovered ( unless of course you count the unidentified remains currently contained in an urn in Westminster Abbey.)

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locshar · 9 years

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The Truly Scandalous Diaries...

(Of Lady Seemoroless Phwoarsley)

Its 1752 - I won't make the old jokes about that being almost six o'clock (okay I will)

Now for gods sake alreay - will Someone shoot the violinist! No? Ok - well at least find a different intstrument for later on in the programme! Piano? Harpsichord? Air Guitar?

Cue some bloke in a scraggy looking rabbit trimmed housecoat getting all uppity with the lady in red - who - happily - is not dancing with him as he looks like:

a - he can't dance b - they are in a museum - surrounded by Elgin marble where dancing would flout several health and safety laws. Miss Marble may be called in to investigate!

So -'what's the story then? Oh - we need to go back in time - apparently ....

It's Tuesday - and a bit on the dark side ...(we all like a bit on the dark side don't we ladies?)

Well - it's so dark that I can hardly recognise my favourite piece of welshcake as he races down the stairs with his breeches, buttons and flaming red frock coat - but then they are outside as they jump into a litter - sorry - carriage - and hurtle down a wooded road (oh please - not Bosworth again already??) He appears to have a rucksack. Does it say Claude on it?

For some reason I start drooling - and not because they look like they have just jumped off a tin of Quality Street (green triangle or big,purple one anyone?)

Who are these people I hear you shout silently?

It's Lady Phwoarsley - and she has really taken the biscuit - in fact - she has taken Captain Biscuit - and he's an absolute cracker! And her first name is SeeMore - that may give you a clue as to where the plot is heading!

So - as they are galloping to god knows where god knows why (i am teriffically impatient and have not read the book) We now have to go even FURTHER back in fime! Now - I know our gorgeous Aneurard - sorry - Biscuit wants to be Dr Who - but we could really do without the Tardis here I think!

So - a party! With feathers! boy meets girl meets feather with the most boringly obvious chat up line I have ever heard "what do you wish for in a wife?" Er - someone who gives me all her money then stays in bed all day playing rantum scrantum (other ball games are available) with two rugby teams and then some whilst I look thru the keyhole - dribbling!

So it looks like they have each met their - unlikey - match. Someone strike up the swan vestas!

Cue wedding night? No? Oh - but it appears that our SeeMore has more bounce than a yoyo!

She fancies three month old nutmegs - but the boring old fart she has married wants to play "though the keyhole" - although at this point I am sorely suspecting he has lost his key - or his plot! (FFS it's Natatlie Dormer! Tudors! Game of Thrones! Scandalous Lady - oh yes well - let's put it this way - you need to actually be in the room to start with and she won't be dressed for long.) Hint Hint!

But no - he kneels by a strangely upholstered door and watches his wife undress - a bit of plinky plonk music rather than "The Stripper" ( but at least no violins!) until he remembers his bunch of keys was in the bedroom all the time and runs in to get them before he forgets where he put them again. And just happens to fall into his wife on the way.

They then have after-play - as there was no foreplay - and discuss a new bored-game called "Rantum Scramtum - come and get your pants on" which apparently she likes - but he wants to keep private - so private even she doesn't know it's happening! With him anyway!

But he does want to be Prime Minister - and he is a bit of a Tory dick so that's a shoe in! And of course his exemplary private life will be all over the Chronicles - so just as well he's clean as a whistle dropped in a turd!

Now - remember that hurtling litter? It's finally turned up at Longleat - or Downton - or somewhere like that - but wait! it's a hotel! Mr and Mrs Smith - check into their undoubtedly Premier Stately Inn! Dressed unobtrusively in full bright red military regalia - they will have full discretion here! No one will have a clue where they are! And breakfast all in at £8.95! They usually do a good sausage!

They are madly in love - and it appears they have run away on a quim....or was that whim? Spellcheck can be soooo frustrating ...

Lady SeeMore orders her bed and breakfast (oh of course - no cheap option for her - she brought her lunch box with her. Yum!)

So rabbity husband (his name is Richard but I find it difficult to use that name in the presence of his gorgeousness if I am not applying it to him - so I will just call him Dick) is hareing around looking for his wife and her packet of Ni-ce - but to no avail! He finds a woman in a mob cap and a crop - well - someone has to draw the short straw!

Back to Hotel Paradiso - and there's a lot of noise coming from No 14.

Two little maids from school are peeping through the keyhole (was this an 18th century hobby?) trying to letch - sorry - watch what is happening - as if we didn't know!

Rantum scantum my arse! That's no ordinary bored game they are playing in there! More like an M&S bawd game!

Cue the Capt of Biscuitness in a looooooonng cambric nightie - doing his best Lady Di impression (well he has the hair and the eyes ...and the legs...) as he wanders over the room giving the two little maids an eye level view of his nutmegs.

They stand by the window oblivious of their nightie faux par! She has his short shirt on and he has her long nightie on - now if only I can get this to pause whilst I get them to swop over...no? Oh yes - it's a DVD! Damn!

The bloody maids are useless as the room looks in the same state as it was after they had finished - but to be fair I would have the same problem if I was faced with Capt Aneurard in his nightie - even if it did cover all his credentials.

So - after some whimsying by the window - and as I wonder if I pull that bow in his hair will his nightie fall off - Seemour now appears to be wondering around in a box of Thorntons Truffles! I think we may be back in time ....again!

Dick- head is now chatting up a bloke called Deerstalker ("she likes you" nudge nudge wink wink!) and telling him his wife is pucking great! So pucking great he needs a holiday and wants Deerstalker to be his holiday relief! Cue lots of mwa ha ha ha ing....for a minute I thought I was in the Bullingdon Club lounge? Pigs might fly!

And what the hell is the horn colic? Is that where your trombone gets flatulence? Some excuse to pawn your wife out to some chinless Tory (nb -other politicians are available - just not so great to take the piss out of!)

So - Dick- wad now talks SeeMore into doing his bidding! (An 18th century term - obviously)

Then we appear to be forward in time again with a small - yes small - baby and a riding crop. Not two things you usually take with you when going to see a lawyer! I take a chequebook. :-(

Now Dick-wit gets SeeMore to play a little bawd game with Deerhunter - and there is no way she ought to let him anywhere near her with that wig on! It's enough to give you a case of the quimsies! She thinks that's it - but Dickhead has only played his first hand!

Now - Deerbloke visits the Premier Inn and checks in via self service. SeeMore is ecstatic!

"Have you seen my Mary!" She cries! (Everyone will have seen it by the end of the programme my dear)

Her Mary may no longer belong to her - but SeeMore wants divorce. Dicky Bird won't give her one - (which is precisely the nub of the issue here.)

Deerbutcheap gives her some brilliant advice! "Go to see Richard and ask him for one!"

FFS! If Dickchard had been able to give her one - we wouldn't be in this programme and I would be watching re-runs of TWQ for the six thousandth time - or - as recently - The Tudors - because It does make a change to see a happy ending! (Unfortunate turn of phrase there but there's nothing like being able to look forward to the end of a series - it's happy time at the Tudor deathbed! YAY!) #becausehedeservesit

Anyway - I digress....

Biscuitness seems to at least have a Change of powder blue clothing but Seemour still only has her painting outfit. More Dulux than Crown methinks! Well - it's not the sheep dog we hear panting - sorry - painting...

Dicktwat now wants £20,000 worth of broken biscuits - he needs to get down the market then - they usually sell them dirt cheap!

Back to SeeMore washing her small - but - invisible - smalls and just like Patrick Swayse in ghost - Garibaldi Man comes up behind her and puts the starch in her linens ....if only Aneurin Bru did wash days......*sigh*

Then - hello! What? where? how? - hands - eyes - hair - lips....shit! Are we forwards or backwards or side wards in time? Who the hell cares? SeeMore is eating biscuits in bed and all I can say is CRUMBS!

But wait - here comes a lawyer (hissssssssss) and he wants to know if they were screwing. Well - myself I didn't see any flat pack furniture around or incomprehensible instructions in Swedish and packets of hinges and dowels - but then I was distracted by a see thru nightie!

So - little maids go into the very hot and steamy bedroom and ask the very rumpled lady who is sleeping next to a sexily slumbering swoonful shortbread - and all they can talk about is riding! (Ahem) " a riding crop?" "Yes a riding crop! "You sure you mean a riding crop?" "Yes a red riding crop," "A red riding crop...?" "Yes a ..." (You get my drift)

Now - lady SeeMore! You are in hiding right? You have absconded from your husband right? So when they ask you what your name is - don't answer "Lady SeeMore Phwoarsley!' Say "Anne Neville" or "Posh Totty" or " Cilla" - just don't tell, them....oh shit! You did didn't you? Well - the sound of PHWOARsley wakes up our little cupcake and with Aneurards best threatening voice he asks - something - I cant remember what because I am too busy keeping my eyeballs in their sockets..

So - the game is up! Your Rantum has been Scrantumed! You silly SeeMore! In future - a tip! SeeMore Sayless! Geddit?

So - Mary (the real Mary ) is being interrogated! Will she tell a Marytale? Or a Fairytale? You decide?

Mary has to go see Capt Biscuit! I wish I was Mary! I would not just go see the biscuit - i would take the biscuit ans start dunking! im not crackers!)

And there he is! In the right size shirt (for a change ) while SeeMore babbles on about her Mary - and Aneurard gets dressed (shit) and threatens to shoot a large Bloody Mary!

Now it's teatime! Cakeytea time - with Tunnocks and eclairs and bourbons and Ni-gestives and Hob NiBs...

And from somewhere Aneurard pops up again "Anne please! " (well he says Seemour - but indulge me)

There are also some nutmegs somewhere - but they must be under the table cloth as I cannot see them!

And isn't it always the case you end up arguing over the children! But they do have a lovely Royal Doulton tea service!

Then we learn his name is really Maurice (or Morris - should he be dancing? With bells on?)

A bloody lawyer breaks his way in and serves Mauriceurard with a writ from the Kings Bench., which is fantastic as Aneurard is already king and can just cancel the pesky thing, lock the child up in the tower and...oh ok ...wrong story...wrong century ...still a few bad wigs tho!

He's being sued by Dick Turpin for £20k - which makes Biscuit want to go to back to Swoonfleet Dorset ...I think that's what he said...

Oh bloody LOL.! Now there's a prime minister looking like Boris Johnson with a perm! Francis - if you are still trying to get in in the act you couldnt have picked a funnier disguise- you cad you!

So - it looks like we at all going to Crown Court - or Judge Rinder - or Judge Judy - via some annoying Shure thing giggling in a garden and talking about being very modern! Modern? I haven't seen one smartphone yet!

And now those bloody violins are back as SeeMore finds the worlds biggest feather and manages to get it to balanced on her impossibly high wig. How the hell does she keep that thing on? Especially as she doesn't stand up very often (spoiler!)

Then - talking of bad wigs - Noddy Holder turns up in court as Dick Tracy and our own Millionaires Shortbread sit in photo booths obviously waiting for something to develop.....

So am I - it's been nearly an hour now and only the most swoonfleeting glimpses of His Gorgeousness - I am sorely tempted to get out my Starz episode six and ten ...#whydyouthink?

Perhaps a small intermission is called for....as they say..for the moment - this court is adjourned.....

TBC....

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locshar · 9 years

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Their truth, their whole truth and nothing but the things that could easily be made up as there was no one left alive to argue with them by this time.

Thomas More sits in the gardens of his palatial manor at Chelsea, twirling a quill between his fingers. Dressed in his knee length, black fur trimmed coat, his hat and golden collar - it may have been hotter than Hades in his garden, but everyone only knew him when he dressed as ... Thomas More.

His worthy page who once hailed from the medieval city of Leicester - Perkin Warden - trotted down to the riverside with a flagon of cold wine and enquired what his master was doing.

More...or less - “Ah - worthy page! Today, I am thinking of new histories to write for our good king Henry VII..”

Worthy Page - “That would be Henry VIII sire.”

More ...or less - “Really? Well - I never was very good at history.”

Worthy Page - “I would never have guessed.”

More..or less - “Pardon?”

Worthy Page - “Just clearing my throat, m’lord!’

More..or less - “Oh - good. The king - whatever his place in the queue - is in a foul mood. I need to write something soon to avoid getting my Hamptons caught.”

Worthy Page - “Like Wolsey?”

More...or less - “In this heat? I prefer linen!’

Worthy page - “Sighs”

More...or less - “Anyhoo - this Richard the Fourth chappie”

Worthy page - “Third, sire!”

More...or less - “Thats the fellow! I am writing his history for the glorification of the Tudor dynasty. And royalties.”

Worthy page - “Do you know much about him, sire?”

More..or less - “I know he murdered those two poor princelings in their sheds. Though it is very strange as they havent been invented yet - but I wont let that stop me.”

Worthy page - ‘It was beds sire - as the rumour goes..”

More or less - warming to his theme. “I can see it now! King Richard, full of evil and general nasty bastardness, asks a groom carrying a stool who will rid him of this troublesome priest - sorry - prince!”

Worthy page - “Er...okay....maybe a bit of plagarism there..but go on...”

More..or less - “And the groom says “there is a man lying on pallett without who you have never before met and will do the deed for you, oh tyrannical murdering one!”

Worthy page - “And who would that be?”

More...or less - thinking furiously “I know! That Sir James Tyrell bloke!”

Worthy page - scratching his arse thoughtfully “The same Sir James Tyrell who had been in the kings service for years and was a very good friend of his and would hardly be lying outside a chamber door on a pallett like - er - me?”

More...or less - waving his quill enthusiastically “Thats the bugger! What do you think?”

Worthy page - “Well -ok - apart from not a word of it being true. How are you going to get anyone to believe it?

More...or less - frowning dramatically “I know! I will have the groom wiping the kings backside while they talk. The peasants do love a bit of toilet humour!”

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locshar · 9 years

Text

Why I Love TWQ....(yes...still!)

Its been two years since The White Queen appeared on our screens, not long after the remains of Richard III were discovered. The hunchback myth was dispelled, at the same time he was portrayed as a “human” king. Being a history buff, and a Ricardian, I set myself the task of trying to examine why “The White Queen” with its well documented historical inaccuracies - endearing as they were - became something of an obsession with me. It took hours of research, with assistance from fellow obsessives and a thorough examination of all available material. These are the results of my research:

Richard III is a truly fascinating character to be portrayed in a TV drama (Aneurin Barnard - PHWOAR!)

I was blown away by the medieval costumes (Aneurin Barnard in a gold doublet…)

I was fascinated by the medieval details (Aneurin Barnard in a blue doublet…)

I was interested to see how they portrayed the complexity of court policitics.. (Aneurin Barnard in a black and gold doublet…)

Battle scenes are of a particular interest to me as they assist with understanding the dynastic struggles which were an integral part of this period of history. (Aneurin Barnard in armour on a horse wielding a sword and stabbing the shit out of everyone was brilliant - especially the bit where he twirls his sword above his head whilst riding out to meet Tudor…)

I was totally drawn into the story by the exquisite chemistry between Richard and Anne. (“Why d’you think?’)

Many scenes accurately portrayed how the Yorks dealt with their enemies. (“Get on your horse or I will have you bound and gagged and thrown into a litter.”)

The romance of the period was vividly depicted.. (“Do you love me Anne, and the king?”)

The religious nature of the times was accurately shown.. (“Oh God, Anne!”)

Tactics and strategy features heavily in the story.. (“And now I must go to war..”)

and…..

(“For you, for me and for England.”)

and..

(“He’s got ten titles and virtually the whole of the north to himself..” OK that was George but I still love that line…)

An interesting fact was revealed in that Henry Tudor was really Tyrion Lannister (He was only 3ft 6” tall for most of his life - and Richard was of course much taller and much more handsome…..)

Medieval weddings were joyous occasions.. (For viewers - STARZ Episode 6 - say no more…)

During this turbulent period, there was a lot of trouble around rightful heirs… (There was absolutely no trouble about Aneurin Barnards hair - it almost had it’s own script)

The view of England in the 15c was similar in some ways to today… (No one went further than Warwick which was in the north….)

Families were very close during this period… (STARZ episode 10 - you may need to watch more than once. What am I saying - you will definitely need to watch more than once to catch all the - ahem - historical nuances. Health Advisory - switch off episode five minutes before the very end to avoid trauma.)

Coronations were a truly stunning affair.. (Aneurin Barnard in ermine being crowned king stunned me for weeks….)

Even murder had it’s benefits… (Aneurin Barnard in cambric shirt, hose and spanish leather boots laid on a bed giving smouldering dangerous glare and with his hair…….sorry - speechless!)

Richard definitely did not murder the Princes in the Tower…not even the one with the towel on his head…. (But Aneurin Barnard looked hot as he ran around with his shirt collar undone in a shorter doublet trying to track them down….)

Richard was right to execute Anthony Rivers….. (Aneurin Barnard had much better doublets and hair - sorry Ben!)

Could they have done anything better? (Allowed Aneurin Barnard to film the full version of Richard’s cavalry charge right up to Henry Tudor - but then to actually decapitate the murdering bastard.)

Final Conclusion.. (Aneurard Plantagenet - sorry - Richard III was the rightful king. After all - who else could really, truly be worthy of the enduring motto “Loreal me Lie?”)

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