loki-kat

[loki-kat]

Hey! I almost forgot to write. This will be a short entry because I'm kinda tired. I did okay today. I worked out, cleaned, organized and ate 500kcal. My mom basically told me to lose weight and started giving me advice. Thanks mom. I know Im fat but you dont know what's happening in my mind. I don't know why I can't lose weight. I must be eating more than I think I am, especially at njght. From now on, no eating after 9 pm. Ill write more tomorrow.

[loki-kat]

Dear diary,

I used to always titles my entries like that. When everything was simpler. I want to try to write in this everyday, even when I don't want to. I feel like sometimes I have nothing to say, but when I start writing it comes out in a rapid stream of consciousness. I woke up late today and didn't get any work done. I didn't go for a walk or go on my date. I need to push myself more, even when I don't want to do things. I did start cleaning and organizing. And I did well with not wasting money today. I've also only eaten maybe 500 calories today. I NEED to get this weight off. It's all I think about and dream about. But it's super hard for me to lose, even if Im starving. So I guess I need to step it up a few notches. Kind if hard to imagine what that looks like when you feel like you're already barely eating. But I possibly could be eating more than I realize so I need to watch it. I keep having these dreams that I'm in ED treatment and Ive lost like 85 pounds easily. I'm kind of frustrated that I've come back to my eatkng disorder after I spent years getting better. I don't know how I let myself get so big. I can't stand to look at my body. I've been having urges to self harm, but so far have only gone as far as stick and poke tattoos and piercing my own ears. Somehow those feel less like SH than cutting. Also...I miss drugs. A lot. I miss alcohol. It's totally not fair that I can't have it, but it changes me. It makes me make dangerous decisions and hurt people around me. Im honestly afraid that if I drink again I will die or end up in prison. It's not the leaat far fetched. And that's alcohol especially. I feel like I coule do some pills again without being in too much trouble. But I dont know any drug dealers or druggies anymore. I live a different life now. I wish that pot would be enough for me. But I actually hate the way it makes me feel. I get paranoid. Maybe if i were more fulfilled I wouldn't want to escape so much. Every day I trap myself in my apartment and watch reruns and tik tok for literally hours. Wtf is wrong with me?

I'd love to meet a great guy to distract me. But so far they are all manipulative losers. Or they quickly lose interest. I think I'm a great girl. Im not sure what I'm missing....or if it's an issue within them. But so far I seem to be the common denominator. It will be interesting to see how I'm treated once I take this weight off and I have confidence again.

This weekend I want to get a lot done! I want to deep clean and organize, and also sell stuff, walk, go swimming, and go on that date. I'll be using gabapentin on Saturday. So I have that at least. Maybe I'll finish my painting too.

Ok, logging off. Bye diary.

[loki-kat]

Hi Tumblr. It's been a while. I guess it's time that I get back into some writing or journaling. Mainly for myself. Growing up I had countless diaries, to the point of obsession. They were mostly cryptic, emo tales of woe and self absorption. I would like to think I've moved on a bit since then. But who knows. We'll find out together.

I love to write and create art! Why don't I do it more? Why does it literally seem like a chore?

To be honest...everything feels like a chore lately. Everything except napping--at which I've become quite proficient. I don't sleep without my medication. At least, I haven't tried in a while. I'm a litttle hooked on my tizanidine at the moment. It's not even a narcotic but it buts me into a dream like trance and I occasionally hallucinate. For some reason my brain finds that quite appealing haha. Plus, it helps me get through the day faster.

I wish I didn't want to escape my own time and reality as much as I do. That's kind of why I thought blogging would be useful. Yeah, I go to therapy, but it's just 45 minutes of venting and I dont seem to be making much progress with it alone. I have a lot of thoughts and dreams but I seem to be muting them...covering them nicely with a fresh coat of beige. My life used to be interesting. Well, it was actually a chaotic hell that almost killed me...but at least I felt alove, right? Is that the point? To feel alive? Or is it better to feel safe and warm, like living in a mother's hug? I hope that by writing again I can start to explore this.

I'm not sure if I am writing this just for myself, or if maybe one day I want it to be read. I've literally been through so much it would be a shame to waste my insights.

Anway, I'm wraping up my first entry. I need to feel proud that I have even done this much. Latley I've been in a massive rut of wasting nearly everyday doing nothing. I can do better. I will try to write most days, even if just to check in. And I want to start logging some of my dreams because they are insane. I'll check back in soon...

Loki

[loki-kat]

My best friend is a cat.