lolliboi

[lolliboi]

she did keep things to herself with time, I guess. she just kept to herself and her true friends. she's brilliant and amazing.

INTERVIEWER: Maybe your openness would serve you better if you reserved it for people you trust. Maybe you should protect yourself a little. FIONA APPLE: I’ll be fine. INTERVIEWER: But as you get older, you may realize you don’t have to share every thought that flickers across your brain. FIONA APPLE: I just don’t feel that way. I resent limitations. I’m going to  be this way for a while, and then the funny side of me is going to come out. Slowly, people are going to realize they’re seeing a completely honest evolution of human life. ~ Interview Magazine 1997

[lolliboi]

Fiona Apple - The Spin interview, 1997

[lolliboi]

I'm up all night thinking about you again. I guess hating someone really is like missing them. Except the things that cross my mind when I think about you are not that sweet. The things I should have done to ruin you when I could. I should have fought back. I should have answered. Grabbed you by the neck just like you did but never letting it go. Make you beg. Not waiting for the morning to come to get you out of the house. I thought I was protecting myself keeping quiet and probably I was. But still I was stronger than you and I should have done something. I shouldn't have lied right beside you, in the same bed, and cried myself to sleep. I can't help but fantasize humiliating you and hurting your skin till you're so close to being gone that you can't even say a word anymore. I'd give anything to shush that filthy mouth of yours. Once for all.

Misunderstood my ass. You know what you did. No matter how much you lie to yourself. You know what you are.

[lolliboi]

I hope I ruined your day with that text. I bet you've been living this whole year without thinking about me.

It was so easy for you: saying you'd be there for me and than disappearing, totally ignoring the fact that he abused me. You didn't even had to think that he probably abused you too. It was so easy, you know, you guys were so in love, he wouldn't do that to you. So I was the one who walked away, first abused and then neglected, you finally got free of me. But you couldn't run from the inconvenient reminder that he is indeed an abuser. You weren't expecting that. You thought it would be fine. But guess what, my dear: it will never be fine for me and I pray it will never be fine for you.

I hope I ruined the rest of the year for you. And I hope I keep crossing your mind and living in your nightmares, year after year, to remind you that you can't run away. You may choose not to deal with it, but you can't get rid of this stain. I curse your days.

[lolliboi]

any day now. it's closer than it was

I have so much anger inside of me that any day now I'm gonna burn myself into ashes. I can't wait for it to happen, I can't wait to be long gone and far away from this hell of life I've been living.

3am and I'm awake while everyone else is sleeping tight; this makes me fucking mad. But someday I'm just gonna close my eyes and not think about anybody but me, then I'll rest peacefully. Any day now. I'll be long gone and out of reach.

[lolliboi]

nothing compares to the pain after a meltdown. and how tired I feel. I don't wanna talk. I don't wanna do anything at all. I need to pee but I can't get up yet. wish I could just stay laying here, even in my own mess. wish I could just disappear.

I don't think my medicine is having any effect yet. maybe things get better with time. maybe cbd could help. I hope I can keep my mouth shut next time. I have to stop sharing.

[lolliboi]

weird as it is, I'm still here.

rainy dawn and also raindrops rolling from my eyes. life could be a little better if I had some money. I couldn't talk to alan again, but I guess there's no harm cause he found peace. I hope I'm strong enough to fight those people tomorrow. I hope I put a smile on her face. things will get even harder for me if she gives up. and also it's not fair to her not to feel okay. she's not the only feeling bad, tho. it will get everyone eventually. but it's harder for us. at least there's a holiday coming soon. actually I don't know if that's so good for me since it's my personal life that needs a break. but will be good for her. I stopped writing my tale mostly because I don't want to think about knives. but he crossed my mind yesterday and then I wanted to start writing about it again. there was a time when I could only rest when imagining him suffering. life's hard. I guess I can trust it to give him his share of miseries. I honestly hope he will never succeed. that he will never be happy. I'm damaged but his even worse than me. I hope no one will take him. ever. and I hope no one gets hurt trying to take him. believing like I did. about two weeks ago someone I love got into the same sort of situation. they trusted an ally and got hurt. violated. and I thought a lot of bad things I would never say out loud, that made me realize all the bad things I think about myself and also the kind of bad person I am. not that bad I guess. but a bad person indeed. still, they're a lot worse. all those people that can't hear a no, they think they know better. they could take a little violence from me. I used to think I'm above it but I'm not. and I'm embracing it. I'm angry and it's fine. I don't care about being soft anymore. I can be soft. I won't be all the time. she inspires me, I guess. the way she never hides when she's mad. the way she expresses it, and walks away whenever she needs to. it bugs me so much, I feel so uncomfortable. cause I know how people are gonna see and treat her. cause I know it hurts. and also cause I know I would never be that brave. but I hope I'll be someday. I guess I'm being brave in so many other ways. I still speak my truth, even tho I speak their language. makes me feel false, but I guess it's more effective. we're together in our own way, me and her, and I guess that's some kind of affection. some partnership. it still far away from what it should be, could be so many of us, but 2 is better than 1 anyway.

my skin is also a mess and I can't stop poking it. need to see a doctor about my back. gotta start taking cbd and see how it goes. can't remember the last time I had sex. gotta start exercising again. I wish I could afford a trained caregiver to help me get out of bed and do my activities properly. can't decide if this year is worse than the last one, maybe they're equally terrible for different reasons. I'm turning 27 the next month and I wish people could respect my wish of being completely alone this time. I have 3 hours until the construction's noise starts but I can't fall asleep. I wish grizz was real. sometimes I wish I wasn't. I miss when my dog was a little puppy and went to bed with me. I miss my stepdoggy so much. I dreamed about him 2 times last week. I've been bumping into their ex every week and can't help to think she hates me. I've never done anything to her. don't even know if they're still apart. not gonna ask, anyway. at least I won't see her again this week because of the holiday. I wish she liked me, tho. I think she's ok. even the skin on my back is bad now. I guess there's too much stress and not enough water. I'm so tired of thinking, typing hurts but handwriting is hurting even more these days. I hope I fall asleep.

[lolliboi]

Having meltdowns for the third day in a row makes me wanna kill myself. I just want everything to stop. I have eaten, complained, cried, written, cried more, hurt myself, cried again and now I'm just fantasizing about the sweet mix between a cold blade inside my flesh and the warmth of my blood. I hate myself for being like this, not being able to stop myself before getting this far, for being dumb and letting my life get drained out of me so many times by so many people. My eyes are swollen and their skin is burning, my head aches, my jaw is also hurting for all the tension and biting and I just wanna scream until I'm voiceless but I can't make a sound because I have no personal space.

When I was a kid and had meltdowns like these, I used to run away from home. My parents thought I was disobedient and rebel, but I just wanted to be far from my pain, or at least be somewhere it could be seen and respected. I'd always end up coming back cause there was nowhere to go, and it hurts me so much to realize things are still the same. I'd rather be alone, but I'm not. I'm just lonely. I'd give anything to be alone right now. I'd give anything to be alone forever even. And makes me even more upset that tomorrow is monday and everything is gonna start all over again. All the masking, all the pretend, god, life's really a torment to me. I don't wanna do anything. I don't wanna get out of bed. I don't even want to be lying here. I just wanna say my goodbyes.

[lolliboi]

I have this thing (autism) that gets stuff stuck in my brain. It's so painful I taught myself to look the other way. Now years have passed and I finally realize that's what I do - run away from my own thoughts - and that it's not healthy. I'm trying to build a lighter path, be somewhere in the middle, but this shit is too hard. The way I feel stuff is too intense and I can't handle it. If I look the other way it grows, if I face it for too long it breaks me. I guess that's the point: I'm too broken already. Damage good. I have less scars than open wounds and I'm tired of putting people's fingers out of them.

Maybe I'll heal, there were some times I did. But maybe it has passed the point of no return.

[lolliboi]

and here I am again, triggered, reliving tragic memories again. I wish that was my last letter.

Maybe I'm not meant to be awake alone this late cause it almost always makes me feel so blue.

I'm not into spiritual stuff or anything like that, but sometimes I wonder if spending the first hours of this year at my worst state of mind has somehow infected the rest of its days. I was so miserable, sitting at that desk alone, writing a last letter to myself, waiting for the sun to come and take all those feelings away so that wouldn't actually be the last letter I wrote. I know some part of me died that dawn and I'm still feeling miserable; still dying and still trying to be born again. Every night I wish for the sun to come and make me reborn. Everyday I try to make things different and I almost succeed, but I keep bumping into my own memories. It physically hurt me so bad to remember some things that I just think I can't take it. It would be so much easier if all these dead parts of me were just gone already; they should fertilize me but they just keep rotting instead.

Silly me, I haven't cried the whole week so I thought I was better. Silly me.

[lolliboi]

I have so much anger inside of me that any day now I'm gonna burn myself into ashes. I can't wait for it to happen, I can't wait to be long gone and far away from this hell of life I've been living.

3am and I'm awake while everyone else is sleeping tight; this makes me fucking mad. But someday I'm just gonna close my eyes and not think about anybody but me, then I'll rest peacefully. Any day now. I'll be long gone and out of reach.

[lolliboi]

I was thinking about when I was 13 and was hanging out with a close friend. We were talking and laughing, her head on my lap. Suddenly I had the urge to kiss her. I was able to stop myself because I remembered I had a boyfriend.

But I still think about the shame and confusion, the way I saw myself as a monster because "I wanted to cheat" - looking back I know that's not what was happening - and also "I wanted to kiss a girl". I was only 13 and didn't realize how much that said about the way I experience life and relationships. I felt attracted to her because we were so close and light and caring for each other. That hasn't anything to do with gender or looks. I loved her and I also liked my boyfriend - or the idea of him, but that's a totally different topic.

[lolliboi]

I don't know if I'm sad or just hungry but thank God I'm having dinner soon.

Today I felt happy to share one of my stories and listen to the others but honestly that wasn't enough cause I'm so needy these days. I love when we get to share the warmth of our bodies. A hug, fingers touching, skin to skin. Sometimes things have to get physical so I can properly feel connected with people.

[lolliboi]

Maybe I'm not meant to be awake alone this late cause it almost always makes me feel so blue.

I'm not into spiritual stuff or anything like that, but sometimes I wonder if spending the first hours of this year at my worst state of mind has somehow infected the rest of its days. I was so miserable, sitting at that desk alone, writing a last letter to myself, waiting for the sun to come and take all those feelings away so that wouldn't actually be the last letter I wrote. I know some part of me died that dawn and I'm still feeling miserable; still dying and still trying to be born again. Every night I wish for the sun to come and make me reborn. Everyday I try to make things different and I almost succeed, but I keep bumping into my own memories. It physically hurt me so bad to remember some things that I just think I can't take it. It would be so much easier if all these dead parts of me were just gone already; they should fertilize me but they just keep rotting instead.

Silly me, I haven't cried the whole week so I thought I was better. Silly me.

[lolliboi]

well I guess I was born for casual soul crushing devotion

I am not meant for casual. I was born for soul crushing devotion.

[lolliboi]

my bonds are shackle free

[lolliboi]

ok tumblr

stop putting sketchs from Harry Potter in my tl