lonelyalien369

[lonelyalien369]

seeing all the international women's day news stories about like "look at all these amazing women!! wow women are so cool they have so many accomplishments!!" makes me cringe cuz like. idk it just seems so fucking shallow. like idk why cant we just treat men and women the same? like when you have all these stories about the "amazing accomplishments of these women" it kind of implies that like women aren't normally like that?? idk i cant word it right but like. its like. "unlike normal women who are boring and not important, THESE feminist icons had an IMPACT on HERstory, #girlpower!" idk. i guess i kinda live in my own view that men women whatever are the same and gender is all fake anyway so i guess the stories aren't for me. they're for like ppl who think women are somehow lesser human beings , or maybe women who grew up in that kind of environment and feel like they can't matter because of the way they're were born, i guess. still makes me cringe, tho

[lonelyalien369]

just watched a vid on cnn about ppl who didnt vote for kamala over gaza reacting to the latest trump news and holy shit my blood is fucking boiling. did you ACTUALLY THINK. THAT DONALD TRUMP. WOULD BE BETTER? THAN KAMALA? AT ANYTHING?? i mean YEAH kamala and the dems dropped the fucking bag harder than anyone's ever done it before but holy FUCK are you fucking brainDEAD? you saw trumps ANTI IMMIGRANT RACIST BIGOTED AGAINST EVERYTHING CAMPAIGN AND THOUGHT. WOW. THIS WILL SURELY WORK OUT BETTER FOR GAZA. THE GUY WHO IS BESTIES WITH NETENYAHU EVEN HARDER THAN BIDEN WILL SURELY BRING A PEACEFUL END TO THE CONFLICT WITH NO NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES FOR THE PALESTINIAN PEOPLE. one guy was even like 'my vote for a 3rd party was a political statement' OKAY BUT YOUR VOTE MEANS NOTHING. YOU UNDERSTAND THAT RIGHT? A THIRD PARTY CANDIDATE IS NEVER GOING TO WIN IN THIS COUNTRY AS IT IS. I HATE IT AS MUCH AS YOU DO BRO, BUT THAT'S JUST HOW IT IS! HOLY FUCK. i can't believe people are SHOCKED by trumps policies when he SAID HE WAS GOING TO DO THEM AND THEYRE SO AGHAST! LIKE HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO US? DO YOU HAVE EARS? DO YOU HAVE EYES? DO YOU HAVE A FUNCTIONING BRAIN? OH MY FUCKING GOD.

[lonelyalien369]

i will never ever admit this to anyone, but i like my sister in law better than my brother in law. i feel so awkward around him, idk if its his obvious undiagnosed autism or what. also my sister complains about him all the time and its like do you even have a good relationship? obviously im biased because all i hear about is the negative stuff when she wants to vent to me but its also like damn you two have like zero communication with each other. i feel like their relationship could improve if he actually got diagnosed and they both went to therapy or something but maybe im just completely misunderstanding too. im sure she knows him better than anyone else, but to an outsider it seems like he has zero emotions or attachment to the relationship. idk, i just barely know anything about him. we're very different, i often find his jokes cringey, but he seems harmless. idk i guess im just a hater lol. i also just want the best for my sister and i dont want her to feel trapped in an unloving relationship, but again i could be completely misunderstanding the situation.

[lonelyalien369]

im so fucking pissed off. why should we have to dance around our relatives who cant control their fucking emotions. the ones who when you try to calmly explain how what they did hurt someone, they lash out in anger for days, so you just have to be 'careful' around them. so you cant defend anyone around them. thats fucking BULLSHIT. YOURE FUCKING HURTING PEOPLE. GROW UP AND LEARN TO TAKE THE GOD DAMN CRITICISM. we shouldn't have to all dance around your feelings in fear that you'll lash out defensively and make everything worse. i should be able to fucking defend the people that you hurt without you acting like a fucking baby about it, you grown ass fucking adult. it makes me so fucking MAD!!!!!!! like im fucking shaking in rage right now thinking of all youve done and how we cant ever confront you about it because youll just make everything fucking worse and never change your behavior and somehow WE'RE the asshole for trying ti stop you from hurting the people we care about. its fucking BULLSHIT!!! god fucking damnit!!! and i cant even bring it up to try and comfort the ones you hurt either because i don't want to make them cry... god this sucks. this all sucks. i hate all of this.

[lonelyalien369]

fuuuuuuck. i found out last night just how fucking oblivious ive been all my life with the family dynamics in our house. and i feel like a fucking idiot, or at least convinced now that i have autism. how many little subtle social cues or whatever have i missed over the years? or worse, how many ones that were blatantly fucking obvious to everyone else just flew right over my head? god, i must seem like such an oblivious naive prick. i always thought i was soooo goood with social cues but now im doubting everything. wtf is wrong with me?

[lonelyalien369]

i feel like my mom is always mad at me (not always but anxiety is the exaggerator) and that's why i keep having dreams where we're fighting and i get very mad and im still mad at her when i wake up for some reason as if what she did in the dream was actually her fault. but idk. i never feel comfortable talking about my struggles with her and im not sure why. is it that im afraid of people in general thinking im begging for attention or something or am i afraid of her response specifically? my memory is so shit so i cant bring myself to a specific example but theres just this feeling in my head that if i get personal with her shes going to ridicule me for some reason. like maybe, i guess, i don't complain about work anymore because then she one ups me about how she works TWO jobs and i have sooo many days off and blah blah blah like okay man but youre physically abled and shit and im not. just because i dont have some horrible debilitating illness diagnosed doesn't mean im not fucking struggling through everyday. you dont know half the shit i go through every day because i stopped telling you a long ass time ago. i stopped when i was a teenager because no one ever believed me. why would i have reason to think anyone would now? i just get slapped with a "fibromyalgia" diagnosis and told to go home. hey, what about my balance problems? my lack off appetite and subsequent weight loss? my constant migraines? my daily pain? whatever man. she doesn't know any of it. i don't tell her. why would i ever think she would believe it? i dont know if im justified in thinking that, but im terrified of finding out, so i never do. i keep it all to myself like i always have. yep. it always works. im doing great. justt peachy. god, i feel like she barely knows me. does that make me terrible? i don't even want to talk to her anymore. i just want to silently slink off to my room for the night. i never know how to bring any of this shit up. my dad may have been explosive when it came to criticizing him, but my mom wasn't far fucking behind. and she likes to pretend they're so different. i guess i get it, i have rejection sensitive dysphoria, so even polite corrections feel like shots to the face, but i dont react by vehemently lashing out and stubbornly defending myself. i just shut up, shut down and leave to cry. but they get angry. and theyll insist they're right. and you can never ever change their mind about nearly anything. we don't talk about cops anymore. i try to stop my siblings from saying stuff like acab because i know shes going to get pissy and defensive about it. when they dont live with her they forget how sensitive she is. i used to be annoyed when theyd feel bad for me for still living with her. but fuck, i get it now. trying to build a long term relationship with her kind of just... hits this wall. you cant get vulnerable with her. it feels too uncomfortable. you feel like you're going to be judged, because you HAVE been. its not an unreasonable assumption. and its BROKEN us. where else am i going to go? i dont have a relationship, no friends to go to, and she's dependent on me too.

.... we're going to have to break the uncomfortable silence eventually. its only hard to talk if you don't try. if this keeps brewing, we're only going to drift apart. and then we'll just have a bunch of regrets...... i wonder if she thinks these things too. i wonder if she wants to be vulnerable, but doesn't want to put the burden on me. you cant exactly read other peoples minds. ..... i cant start tonight. but i.. i often find that i misread her emotional state. i tend to think shes upset with me when shes quiet . but most of the time shes just doing something and its fine. i always assume. fuck. i wish i just had a normal relationship with my parents. does anyone have that? that would be fucking nice.

[lonelyalien369]

im so scared my mom has cancer again. im so terrified of losing her. even if its not terminal, i dont want to see her go through all the treatments again. it sucks. it fucking SUCKS. my stupid fucking dad never got cancer. even though he fucking smokes and eats like shit and doesn't do anything to care for his body like my mom does. its so unfair that my mom has to be the one to go through this shit when my dad is the one who deserves to suffer. that fucking disgusting abuser asshole piece of useless fucking garbage. i fucking hate this stupid unfair world.

and although its a bit selfish, im FUCKED without my mom. i cannot support myself with my disability, but i can't prove it medically yet. and even IF i end up on disability benefits, which will probably take years and years of trying and litigation and hiring lawyers and all the bullshit, which i will definitely need her help with, i don't know if ill be making enough money to survive on my own anyway!! but im terrified of expressing this fear for seemingly selfish and trying to take attention away from my mom's suffering, which i absolutely don't want to do, the thought of that makes me sick, so that's why i keep my mouth shut. but i don't know what the fuck id do without her. all my siblings are married, im not moving in with them. thats a temporary solution at best; we'd be at each others throats before long. we don't live together well. our relationships are best if we live separately. i don't have any local friends. i don't really have any friends I'd be comfortable moving in with. shit, i really only have acquaintances. im not really close with anyone anymore. im not really interested in dating. im scared of throwing my eggs in one basket and finding out we dont work together and suddenly i dont have anywhere to live. im scared. just, in general. fuck. fucking hell.

[lonelyalien369]

i wish you could erase your own memories, but i have to admit it would probably mess you up in some irrevocable unknown way that we wouldn't be able to anticipate. kind of like how if we invented time travel, even the smallest changes to the past could have dramatic sweeping effects on the present, like stepping on a single blade of grass, or exhaling a certain amount of air, ie the butterfly effect. if you took away someone's memories, you would fundamentally alter who that person became after that experience changed them. whatever lesson they learned from it would be gone, and they'd be free to possibly make that mistake again. its probably best not to meddle in such areas, but...

when you've been through trauma, it changes you. it imprints itself on the fabric of your soul (if there is such a thing). its not something that can easily be forgotten. it haunts you. it visits you over and over again, in the dead of night, in every waking moment. its effects may weaken over time, or they might suddenly explode back to the forefront of your consciousness, capturing you in a vice grip. you think you can control it. and then something, anything, the smallest, tiniest little thing reminds you of it.

you catch the smell of cigarette ashes on the wind.

the neighbor's garage door opens.

their face appears in your dream, unprompted, unwelcome. to your disgust when you awake, you might have even enjoyed their presence in it.

and then you can't take it anymore. you hate yourself for it. you thought you would be over it by now. you ask yourself, why? why can't i just let them go? you can't stop thinking about it now. you're caught in a deep, dark spiral with seemingly no way out, and it seems like no one's coming to save you.

that's when you start to think that memory erasure would fix everything. but if there was any way to do it, i wouldn't.

i know there are others who have been through far worse than me. when i think about it, it makes me sick to my stomach that humanity is capable of such horrible acts. would they say the same? would they accept the possible risks, to know peace? i can't speak for them, but i can speak for me. as frustrating and terrible and lonely as my current situation is, what i learned from my trauma is something i think i should carry with me. it has changed me. in some ways, for the worse. but, in a terrifying way, i'm more aware of what happens sometimes to some unfortunate people, and being aware means i could help someone. i.. struggle with the words, but i think you know what i mean, right?

what i went through wasn't a unique experience. it happens, unfortunately, everyday, around the world. but, by still being here, i am living proof that you can survive it. i am, stubbornly, still going. and i hope others like me can find the strength to do so as well. because they deserve to break free from their darkness. it doesn't have to define us. we can live our lives, separate from our abusers, and leave them behind to rot, while we flourish and grow.

.....this kinda got out of hand. but i stand by every word. there might not be a magic cure, but we can get through it if we work hard. i love you.

[lonelyalien369]

its honestly disturbing how obsessed with celebrities people are. like seriously, these are real human beings who have a life outside of dancing for your entertainment. leave them the fuck alone sometimes.

[lonelyalien369]

UGHHHHHHHHHHH. whatever.