lonwashington

[lonwashington]

My Aphasia client told me supervisor that I’m doing a good job and he thanks me for helping him 😭😭😭😭

[lonwashington]

A time where hands move quick and time doesn’t set

I can’t grab my reigns

I find the earth and fall

A time where the blood will finally see the heart

I will run if we don’t consolidate

Celery and yogurt during the day

At night the vision falls away

Alone in a home where I’m not sure I belong

For Vocation, much anticipation

But will the neurons connect

A time where change is big

And floor plan I dream

Will my feet plant on the wood

[lonwashington]

I miss the days where every song was a revalation

Now every word is a re-evaluation

Of the beliefs that had been formed

When every song was a revelation

[lonwashington]

Holy *uck!

I’ve just entered the second tier of existential crisis. Unintentionally. Without warning. It’s been 5 years since my first. I thought I figured it all out. I knew there was more to figure out, but didn’t know what. I haven’t had pivotal philosophical inquiries in years, just simple every day ones. Suddenly, the pivot came: atheists can be determinists. With everything I’ve known, atheism partners with existentialism, and existentialism asserts free will. I may be wrong. In fact, I am probably wrong. What a day. What a moment. I’m both confused and lit on fire once again. Time to see where this burn takes me.

[lonwashington]

Most days are great

most nights I fall into darkness

On some days

everything is great

On some nights

Everything is, again, darkness

On some lonesome days

Night is refuge

And this is the human condition, not with an eternal purpose,

but with a brief solace. And this is how it ends, not with a bang, but with a question mark.

[lonwashington]

Just some scattered thoughts regarding graduate school

So, yeah, I began grad school this summer and um, it was really hard. Rewarding, but a tough summer. Ended it feeling totally burnt out and needed weeks of doing nothing to re-cooperate. But like, this past summer was like, the build up to what grad school would ACTUALLY be. It was like the undergraduate phrase of graduate school. It is much harder now -- many more things to do -- but I know HOW to do what I'm doing way better and more quickly than I did in the summer.

There will be more thoughts at some point, but i got distracted

[lonwashington]

I come to you as a wonder-er

Seeking only when emptiness evolves to searching

I come to you as a wanderer

Showing up only for a little while to inspect and close the door

I go back home where I belong

And never look no more

Until 6 months pass and search begins again

I’ll fall in like but that spike will soon go down again

And then I’ll close my door again

And think of Now and not the end

And hardly tell my friends

[lonwashington]

September 16th

It’s a muggy night here in Scranton. The air is cool and damp and there is an annoying beeping noise in the distance that has been beeping for the entire week. A few stars are visible and I am on my porch, sitting on my bench with an unlit cigarette resting between my lips. I scoff, because it is a Marlboro Red -- the same pack of cigarettes that I regretfully found in my dads car when I was a kid, the same brand that filled me with sorrow for my dads lungs and health.

I don’t smoke them much, or at least I like to think. 1 or 2 a day? 

Anyway, I’m spending my evening in my apartment with Sam. We are proactively studying and enjoying ourselves and some black coffee we got called “The Darling Dark”. Black because it’s dark coffee, and blacker because I can’t spend money on unnecessary things like cream, especially because I try to avoid dairy products. 

I am a junior in college now, and I have high hopes for the future. I am trying to address my past wounds and my current and continuing hurdles, namely, my ADHD. I’m writing this because it’s good to write. I’m also convinced that at my age it is good to drink a few times a week! Sam and I will be getting Four Loco’s   tonight (after I make a chart detailing the 900 different types of aphasia). 

The beeping noise is so fucking annoying.  

I worked from 12-4 today. Ain’t that an awesome shift? I get to come in and leave -- I don't have to open or close. I get to do the work without doing the dirty work. It was a weird day because there were a lot of changes that had all set into place at once -- queso, large chip bags, new buttons on the register,  new manager (who’s name I couldn’t remember), 3 fired co-workers, and the news that good ol’ Jyan might be fired. Jyan is like the horse in Animal Farm. You know, slow and steady. Sad sometimes, but always chugging along. It will make me sad to see Jyan theoretically get ‘killed’ like Boxer, but he does deserve to be fired.) I’m going back to studying now, goodbye!

[lonwashington]

Perhaps it may be that we are better off killing ourselves, as we are the first creatures able to reason that life may not be worth it; but then, if we all killed ourselves, there would be no one left to reason so highly. Thus, we should resolve to continue on.

[lonwashington]

I am in the middle of the most wonderful, most lazy day of my life

Well -- not of my life. I’ve had some very intensely lazy days in my time, but none in the past year or so, and most assuredly not in the next year or so. But today... ahh, today. 

I woke up on an air mattress next to a snoring bisexual who had been trying to tease me into hooking up with her the previous night. Ewwww. I immediately knew that my hangover was going to kick within the next hour, and shortly after that, I’d be vomiting. So, I grabbed my shoes and drove home. I puked about 30 seconds after arriving at my house -- perfect timing :)

All of the following events occurred without any human contact. This is because I left my phone charger at Amanda’s house, so my phone is dead. And quite frankly, I think being phoneless has added to the loveliness of my day.

I laid in bed from 10am to 2:30pm, heaving up bile into a trashcan every half hour or so. Once I felt that my stomach was going to shut the fuck up and calm down, I made it to my living room couch, laid down, and watched a LOT of episodes of Crazy Ex Girlfriend. Damn.... what a good fucking show.

Eventually, the hangover dissipated and the post-hangover euphoria entered. This was when I drove to McDonald’s to get myself a bag of the ultimate post-hangover lazy comfort food. And god damn, it was good. I laid on the couch eating it and watching Crazy Ex Girlfriend, soaked in my own personal worry-free, greasy-haired happiness. 

Now, it is storming so much outside that the street in front of my house has nearly turned into a lake. I am still sitting in my living room, where the gentle breeze of my fan is hitting my left cheek and airing out my pantsless lady parts. This is heaven and I am going to watch Crazy Ex Girlfriend for the remainder of the night. Goodnight!

[lonwashington]

Things that I am

A daughter, a sister, a niece A student A friend An atheist An absurdist A vegetarian

[lonwashington]

3 months ago, I moved into my first apartment. It was great... until it wasn't. Tomorrow, I am moving out and moving into a different apartment. I've learned a very important lesson, and it's that you simply cannot give people your trust, and that you should really know somebody before you make any commitments with them. Oh well, I'm on to better things. Goodbye, lovely lil first apartment.

[lonwashington]

Today when I was at work, a vaguely-familiar face came through the door. “I think that MIGHT have been my 6th grade math teacher,” I said to my coworker. I wasn’t sure, however, because it had been so long, and I remembered her being less skinny than she appeared now.

I started to become nervous; I didn’t WANT it to be her. She had always made me feel nervous… math made me feel nervous. As she approached the register, she made eye contact with me and excitedly proclaimed, “hello!”

“Mrs. Borek! Hi, how are you?” I said, grinning.

She replied, “I’m doing very well, how is your brother doing?”

Suddenly, I remembered a few more details from middle school than I had previously recalled. I remembered how often I would get attention from my teachers regarding my 10 year superior, start student brother. I remembered how that was the only good kind of attention (“good attention”, as my mom would call it) I was ever able to get as a kid. My teachers either saw me as nothing, or as “Ed’s little sister”.

��He’s doing well,” I said. “He’s in Manhattan doing his final year of medical residency.” She was impressed and proud, as she always was. She didn’t ask how I was doing.

She then handed me two coupons for free kids meals. Because she got them from the local library, I had never seen these coupons before, and they didn’t scan into the machine. I tried to enter the codes manually, but it didn’t work. Though none of that was my fault, I became super anxious as I called my manager to help me. I wanted to impress her, to make her think that I had grown up, that I was intelligent. In 6th grade, I was one of the students who didn’t score high enough on the math placement test to be placed in the normal-people math class the following year.

“Split the check and then re-type in both of the codes,” my manager said as he walked away.

And suddenly, there I was again: fumbling over numbers with judgmental Mrs. Borek peering over my shoulder.

For the first time in a long time, I felt the same emotions that I felt in middle school. I remember middle school, of course; I remember how horrible it was, but I haven’t FELT it since.

I had come so far since 6th grade. I have carved myself and bent myself and nurtured myself, grown exponential amounts. Yet, in front of this woman, I felt no different.

Suddenly, I began to feel the pain of all of the rejection. The pain of being the “weird kid”, the feeling that came along when my peers ran away from me on the playground every day, because they knew I was a slow runner. The hurt that came with chasing them with all my might as I held back tears, watching them laugh at me.

I began to become angry at the people who manipulated me into doing ridiculous things, who ignored me and pretended they were mad at me, and would only talk to me again if I preformed whatever ridiculous task that they conjured up. Those were the people who convinced me to eat grass. Those were the times that scarred me forever.

And above all, those were times where I was completely and entirely alone. I had no place where I belonged, and I ached everyday to find a a place where I felt accepted.

Today, I felt the hurt of all of that again in a very vivid way, to the point where I was shaking and my teeth started to tingle. I re-experienced this pain for over two hours in the form of anxiety, until all the customers had left the store and I was able to go “clean the bathroom,” or, eh-hem, should I say, “cry”.

Oh well. I just wanted to write about it. Fuck 6th grade, fuck 5th grade, fuck 7th and 8th grade, and fuck the entirety of all of it for fucking me up!!!

Bullying hurts! Rejection hurts, abuse hurts – especially when youre young and developing! I still am affected by the way people treated me day in and day out, it has sculpted my personality and made shit really hard!!! Be nice to people life is hard enough you fuckin twats. But, I am better now. I have people who love me. People who accept me. And, I accept myself. All is good. But memories always linger. The past is formative. But I must say, I don’t think about it. I’ve forgiven the people who were mean to me, because if I think hard enough, I can remember myself being mean to others too. It happens. And now that I’m in college and I’ve learned so much, learned things that help me undersrand human development, I understand the people who were mean to me...... somewhat. But yeah, I guess you could say I’ve forgotten about it in my conscious mind. But this experience with Mrs. Borek, it brought some shit back. But now that I’m out of that emotionally charged state, I can see myself for what I really am — an intelligent, kind, understanding girl who just wants to love people and be loved as well. A person who loves knowledge and wants to grow. And I love myself for all of that.

[lonwashington]

Today I am:
Content
Fulfilled
At home
Joyful
Excited 
Hopeful I am germinating.

[lonwashington]

Ultimate meaninglessness is knowing that even philosophizing is pointless because there is no achievable endpoint; it is slavery with no salience. It is thought with no therapy. It is fury with no fruitfulness.

[lonwashington]

i can't wait to never write another French essay again

[lonwashington]

I'm completely alone at a table of friends I feel nothing for them