loobdoob - Tumblr blog

[loobdoob]

i really mean nothing

[loobdoob]

she said do u wanna hangout 💀 were u just bored and trolling to see what i would say bc like… why would u ask me that? why would i want to hangout ? i don’t want to hangout with you ? so why would u want to hangout with me? i would literally rather count blades of grass for eternity than hangout with u for even 5 whole minutes tbh

[loobdoob]

what to dooo when ur silly little hobbies aren’t working like they used to and arent distracting u at all from wanting to end your dreadful existence :P i think my delusions have officially run dry bc aint shit rlly funny anymore and all of the things i’ve worked so so hard to pack deep deep down have rose to the surface full fold ! soo what activity is distracting enough to numb the constant pain of needing to end my life as soon as i possibly can? maybe racketball..

suggestions below pls

[loobdoob]

god i’m literally never going to fuck again i’m so embarrassed 😭 worst part is the dick is literally not even real and i still finish faster than a guy with a real dick that can actually feel ur pussy 😩 ugh that’s so pathetic and ickkkk of me. i wnt 2 die!! i have no desire to ever have sex ever again in my life. and like i was already pretty much there bc of the whole trans thing and i hate having a fake dick it’s so stupid it feels like playing make believe ugh everything is so humiliating and sex is so weird when ur not a real man and just thank god this happened it was my final sign 2 stop having sex bc it already made me want to die and now knwing u think my dick game is weak just solidifies that i shld just stop having sex for a while because i dont even want it and i dont do it for me and of course i’m sacrificing my comfort feeling like i’m doing u a favor bc you’ve been wanting it more lately and i’m the only one who cums 😂 what a joke i am. not even the one who wants it & i suck it up bc i want to be the kind of man that u want so you dont replace me with a real one. the kind of man that’s rough and wants to fuck soooo bad all the time and flips u over and fucks u like a slut i know u love that but it’s just not me i guess. i just feel like a wannabe, a dyke with a dick yay! just can’t do it anymore can’t stand now being a joke to you when i was already a joke to myself which is why i stopped wanting sex because i’m not real. it feels like the stakes are higher now that we both refer to me as a man or not as a girl, idk. maybe i’m an OK dyke but 4sure a pathetic man and i feel like if ur already letting a “man” fuck u awfully, what’s stopping u from replacing this pathetic 2 minute wonder with the next one but at least his dick will be warm and you’ll know when he cums in 2 minutes it’s because he can actually feel inside you and it’s such a deeper connection. not just some stupid vibrator forced on my clit while i fuck you and there’s no connection. i want to feel it, i know u want me to feel it but sadly all i get is vibrator and we both know someone else could just fuck u way better the way u want and it won’t just be an act it will be real and there will be a deeper connection that we could never have because i’m sadly incomplete. just wanna die tbh but what’s new ! just shocking everyday when i think i can’t feel worse about myself or existing and i think how much closer could a person get to suicide without actually doing it and then low and behold just when i think i’ve realized all of the pain i can handle here comes some more realizations and more frontal lobe development so i can look down the line into my shitty life for the first time yay!! that’s totally helping ! i’ll forever be a struggling pathetic “man” with a vagina and a cold fake dick that i can’t even put in with no lube because the material is bullshit and just a stupid fucking bone ppl throw to weirdos like me who convince themselves it helps to wear this, or even tho i can’t feel it i have phantom limbs ! like ugh we are all so desperately trying to be okay and like sometimes when reality hits i realize how pathetic,miserable and not okay i am and i’m like wow i truly don’t know how much longer i can take pretending i’m fine with all of the fake “build a man” bullshit. don’t want to have scars on my chest. don’t want to wear a binder anymore, they hurt so bad. don’t want to look like a man to everyone on the surface but have a fucking pussy like do u know how hard it is to make ur pussy masculine💀 it sucks so bad getting head and im like man i wish it didn’t feel like i was a lil bottom busting it open for my top rn 💀wish it felt like my girl was gargling on my dick but nope the imagination can only create so many delusions. it cannot turn a pussy into a dick sadly, and it can’t make me feel like a man no matter how i feel i was supposed to be born, i know i’ll never be able to accept this half assed reality. i would rather die than live as a joke to myself and everyone around me. and i’m truly learning how to find peace with that

[loobdoob]

god i’m so upset and i wish u could just smoke a blunt and move past this one but it’s just awkward. the lingerie mystery was enough. coming for how long i last 😩 what even made u think of that out of literally nowhere. i just feel like something is so sketchy and i hate it. i just want to have a normal day off and have fun but we can’t because it’s just too far ruined. so now i get to sit here listening to ur tik toks loud and clear and this whole day is just giving me awful anxiety something is just off

[loobdoob]

tbh i would rather be called every racial slur in the book, on top of fat jokes daily and the pain still wouldn’t even come close to finding out for the first time that ur dick game is weak and that shes just been putting up with it for who knows how long without even saying anything at all or bringing it to my attention until right now. wonder how often she thinks about how pathetic i am 😩😭 probably very often now considering it was the first insult that came to her mind completely out of nowhere. idk i’m sure she’s been talking about my weak dick with the same person she’s thinking about when she grabbed all of her sexiest lingerie “bc she was moving out” but somehow she grabs every single article of lingerie before even grabbing her tooth brush or the rest of her clothes or the rest of her insulin. it just makes no sense at all and i’m not an idiot. just want the truth

[loobdoob]

so exhausted of being lonely no matter who is around, so sick of how tiring it feels to be a shell of a person, a truly empty vessel. desperately collecting and clinging to anything i can to make me feel like i’m meant to exist or to remind myself that im still me whatever that means and that im happy with that? everyday of my life feels like a How To Seem Normal And Not Completely Stripped Of Any Reality Of Happiness For Dummies. i feel like im collecting data or something like im just going through the motions of things i know to be “fun” or cause “happiness” but nothing is distracting me for as long as it used to anymore and it’s getting pretty insufferable. i thought i was happy being honest with myself and getting to know myself better but as time goes on it turns out i hate this person and can’t stand everything about them. i cant stand being them. i cant stand what it feels like to be multiple people in one constantly fighting eachother. I cant stand how i’m her on the outside and him on the inside while simultaneously being a mediator to bring the 2 together to try and live as one because that’s the only reality i can have. i hate how i don’t even know how to blur the lines between him and her anymore. i cant stand being in her body but being in his head and i cant stand how despite her efforts to not be physically perceived he stands out like a big ugly clumsy goof with a sign on her forehead that says LOOK AT ME IM SO DESPERATE TO BE SEEN EVEN IF ITS IN HER BODY. cant stand how he constantly is humiliating her by the need to exist so now thanks to him shes just forced to be perceived as some annoying dyke that everyone has come to love when she could have just blended in. i cannot stand his fucking over the top ridiculous behavior and how he yearns to be loved and to be seen but NOT as her. i hate how he can’t just accept and be happy about being in her body but having his mind. i hate how stupid he is for thinking that servicing and pleasing everyone around him is gonna save him from the reality of being perceived as her. i hate how he thinks standing out will help him hide. and what i hate the most is how no matter how hard i tried all my life he forced his way in. and now we all live together in this vessel and i hate him for coming and i hate her for fighting it more than she ever has because she knows he’s overpowering her and the only shred she has left of herself is this pathetic body and she can’t admit that he won and he can’t admit that he’s afraid to win. and the mediator can’t admit that it’s beyond mediation and that the 2 just can’t live in harmony anymore. my mind is in a constant war and i don’t even know how to describe how exhausting and unbearable it is to be anything but asleep or high out of my mind so i can stop being everyone for once and just fucking be

[loobdoob]

everything is upsetting me even if it doesn’t seem valid i just can’t get over things sometimes.. why did you keep calling me girl while arguing with me? you never do that and it just hurt me that you said it as much as you did especially after everything i’ve told you it just feels like a slap in the face. you don’t remember or think about it because you don’t care to remember or think about it and it just sucks being a real life walking joke and u can tell people whatever u want about who you truly are and how you truly feel but they will still always see you as you are not how you want to be seen not as a man but just a pathetic dyke wannabe no matter what i say it’s what people see and it just sucks being stuck in this vessel. and realizing there’s no escaping it is a reality i can barely handle some days it’s not anyone’s fault sometimes i just wake up hopeless and angry and then i pick at everything and suffer even more i just want to feel happy for longer than a few days before it hits me that i’ll never truly experience happiness the way i want it. i’ll always have to settle for some subpar reality and every day gets worse and worse and i get so much more sensitive as i’m getting older and i just never wanted to be this person. i never wanted to know the truth about myself and i wish i got to keep running forever, i’m so tired of being me and even entertaining the thought of it, i’m so embarrassed to exist and i’m so angry and i don’t know how to talk about it and i don’t want to talk about it. every time i break down like this it just makes every day after that harder and i just don’t know what to do anymore. everytime i have revelations or epiphanies i just want the feeling to pass so badly so i can go back to being numb until the next time it happens, i just feel beaten down and i feel like i break down all the time now and life just feels so hard now and i truly wish i didn’t know myself, i wish i was still blind to myself so i didn’t have to constantly feel this way

[loobdoob]

god i hate you so much and it’s so confusing because i forget so fast as if i never experienced those feelings and made them all up in my head but then you become this nasty, selfish, cold hearted, controlling monster again and i’m reminded why i ever felt that way in the first place but every time i just hate you more and more and it just sticks with me. even if i can’t remember the fight i always can remember that there’s something about u that i just fucking hate whether we are “good” or not. why would i want to fuck you? you’re mean to me when i don’t want sex when i tell you over and over again why i don’t want sex. sorry the reason hasn’t changed? i wish that the reason would change too i swear to fucking god? only for you to respond “yeah yeah ive heard it all before that’s all you ever talk about is yourself” 😂😭💀 literally what. the topic of the conversation is ME not wanting to have sex with YOU so my answer being the same every time because i can’t bare looking at my genitals or pretending sex feels good for me isnt me constantly talking about myself it’s me constantly having to repeat myself because u don’t fucking listen to me because all YOU ever think about is YOURSELF. i shouldn’t have to keep constantly saying it it sucks having to even say it fucking once i’m a man in a womans BODY but since you’re so fucking dense and fucking self centered i’m FORCED to CONSTANTLY SAY “HEY SORRY I DONT REALLY WANT TO HAVE SEX A LOT ITS A LITERAL JOKE FOR ME AND MAKES ME WANT TO DIE BECAUSE IM A MAN WITH A VAGINA” AND THEN I WONDER IF YOUR PEA BRAIN WILL FINALLY GRASP IT SO I DONT HAVE TO FUCKING SAY IT AGAIN BUT NOPEEEE. BECAUSE YOURE A SELF CENTERED LITTLE FUCKING BRAT WHO ONLY CARES ABOUT HER “NEEDS” GO FUCK SOMEONE THEN I DONT GIVE A FUCK. HOW WRONG OF U TO THREATEN THAT AS IF THATS GOING TO MAKE ME MIRACULOUSLY WANT TO FUCK YOU !?!?!? SORRY IT STILL DOESNT BRING ME THE RIGHT BODY PARTS TO FUCK YOU WITH WHETHER YOU FUCK SOMEONE ELSE OR NOT. I WILL STILL ALWAYS HAVE A VAGINA. I WILL STILL ALWAYS NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX. LEAVW ME THE FUCK ALONE YOU FUCKING CREEP FUCK. AND ROT.

[loobdoob]

when i wanted to have sex and u didn’t and it made me sad i was called a rapist. but now all of a sudden that u want sex and i don’t i’m seen as the abuser still? when it was me i was a pervert who only wanted to use you but when it’s you? still my fault lol. i tell you i don’t want to have sex lately because i’m a trans man and i hate using my fake dick feeling pathetic and feeling literally no pleasure and it’s so embarrassing and i can’t take it anymore. but somehow when u don’t want sex i’m wrong and when i don’t want sex i’m wrong too so i love that

[loobdoob]

so sad, feel just empty and confused

don’t know what to do next

[loobdoob]

i play video games in my living room for the night and i’m just satan lmao not like everyone else’s boyfriend isn’t literally AT THE CLUB or at THEIR BOYS HOUSE ALL NIGHT and their girlfriends are fine with it but me? i’m not even allowed in my own home in comfort without you ruining it. i genuinely fear to EXIST in my own apartment without you around because i know i’ll get in trouble for it. crazy. crazy how paranoid and jumpy i am in my own home when u aren’t around because i’m anticipating you coming around the corner any second to scream at me. this isn’t even a fucking home like i’ve never lived in an environment where i’m afraid to just be. like i literally get afraid to get a midnight snack and sit on the couch in the middle of the night when i can’t sleep because i know i have a few minutes until you come seeking for me. you have stripped me of everything i grew up associating with the meaning of home and the meaning of comfort. i am a shell of a person waiting for the next time you blow up on me for enjoying myself or trying to take 5 seconds to myself because you never get off my fucking dick. not even while asleep can i find peace from you.

[loobdoob]

u think you’re lonely bc i stayed up to play video games and google hairstyles ??? in our living room 5 feet away from where you’re sleeping 😂 you’re controlling and annoying and just hearing your voice and your stupid bitch ass complaints truly can ruin my entire day and i cant wait for you to really know what it feels like to be alone. i cant wait to truly do me fully and not worry about your needy fucking ass every second of my life. you’re a fucking tumor. a fucking cancerous lump sucking the life out of me. i would literally rather lose sleep and sanity than be in bed with your drunk ass every single night at the same time to lay in the same tired ass position just so elaine can sleep. not be happy or enjoy it no never that! just genuinely so the fucking beast can rest and let us all live another day maybe if we don’t make any wrong movements

[loobdoob]

u don’t give a fuck about getting tickled or getting cuddled because when u get it every night u don’t acknowledge it at all. it means nothing to you. you expect it. u only yearn for something the second u don’t get it as if you’ve never gotten it. news flash… why should i waste my time with an ungrateful brat who only bitches and complains? you’re never happy for anything. never happy about anything. but oh boy do you have the energy and ability to be miserable and insufferable constantly lol. your complaints are white noise to me at this point. i’m doing whatever i want. you don’t acknowledge any positive strides i make so therefor i’m done doing things for you to make u “happy” because there’s no such thing for you! i’m doing meee and if u don’t like it well… the doors always been in the same place!! hit the road! lmao

[loobdoob]

god i feel so empty and uncomfortable. been wearing my shoes for hours and can’t take them off. keep standing as if there’s somewhere to go

[loobdoob]

i cant believe my life is reduced to constantly having to be in the presence of a miserable brat. i cant believe me painting something for you in our living room is something that could evoke such anger and “loneliness” when i am right here. i just cant believe this is my life. if im not with elaine every waking second then im failing as a partner and she’s just oh so neglected

im so sick of how unbearably smothering you are. i work with you, i live with you, and spend every waking second of my free time with you. i cant even look forward to you fucking sleeping so i can have a second alone TO DO SOMETHING FOR YOU. that’s the fucking KICKER !!! I WQS DOING SOMETHING SO NICE FOR YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND WANTED TO MAKE TIME TO CREATE SOMETHING FOR YOU BECAUSE U NEVER ALLOW ME TO BE ALONE UNLESS I STAY UP WHILE YOURE ASLEEP.

[loobdoob]

i get screamed at because u tell me i never think of you or do anything for you so i was excited all day to start this drawing i had in mind but of course i don’t get any free time in my life where you aren’t up my ass every waking second of the day so i have to wait for you to sleep but WAIT!!! that doesn’t work either ! i get screamed at for that!!! i get screamed at no matter what because you’re a fucking black hole. literally so pathetic that i painted you something so cool and was so excited about it and of course as usual im met with misery and despair on your end. shocking.