looserdf33causethatswhatiam

[looserdf33causethatswhatiam]

when i say we can’t pls don’t give up on me..when i say I don’t want to pls don’t agree..

Fight for me. Be there for me. Only want me. Yearn for me.. obesses over me.. love only me.. give only me.. want only me.. need only me..

I lie. I’d rather pretend. I’d rot in jealousy and possessiveness than tell you. Stay for me. Fight for me. Want me. Talk to me. Yell for me.

I propose this not cause I’m an arrogant,

I’m a coward.

Fight for me and save me from myself.

Fight for me.

[looserdf33causethatswhatiam]

??/??/????

A nice comfy dress that I’d wear.. maybe a bun on my head, with sunglasses that top and a beautiful little fat child on my arms, that’s asleep on my shoulders with their tiny little hands hanging to the side while their heart races with mine in the close proximity of chest as i hug the tiny figure to myself and sooth the soft hair that sprout; amidst of a busy market glancing over at a man quite tall with fluffy hair and maybe glasses that touch the rim of his nose that he often scrunches back.. he wears nice loose tee and a pair of casual pants and his one hand wearing my bag down his shoulders portraying no male fragility and proceeding to carry a slightly older child that stares curiously at the window pane his dad stares at while he inspects the contents behind it.

A soft breeze whistles as our hair sway in sync, while my cloth fabric presses through my stomach, feeling a little bump..

I look at him and our mini ponder in the same expression while i get distracted by the little snores and a slight moisture of drool that peaks through my skin earning me a short sigh of odd fulfilment that rushes through my veins creating a small grin of concrete happiness and and peace that I pleasure myself with yet selfishly keep it to myself, warming my insides like a warm summer day after the end of a cold bitter night.

[looserdf33causethatswhatiam]

That one time his house lost the house cup but mine won and our house was in the stage receiving the award and he screams “avala thavira ela nasama ponga da” from offstage-

🤓😃

AND WE WERENT EVEN TALKING-

😃🙂🥀

nah fam

[looserdf33causethatswhatiam]

That one time when all the girls were ranking the batch girls and he no questions asked dropped my name as the first-

😃😃😃

[looserdf33causethatswhatiam]

Heyo.

Georgia and India.

I gave my neet and it broke me. I’ll get like fuck shit shit score so idk if I’ll secure a college in India but with gods grace and will, I pray i do get one here. If I don’t, then I might as well take the consequence of my actions and leave to this strange country that makes my heart beat in anxiousness every time I think about it. Good lord have mercy. I won’t be able to live without seeing my family, the only real thing i have in this world. Besides that I’m sacred. But come what may, i believe it’s for the better. I truly want to get it here. And join NCC and make my parents proud. Idk.. I don’t have the strength in my heart. I’m one useless kid. Maybe my parents be blessed with the kids they deserve in their next gen if any. Anyways, i felt to need to say this. I feel sad af. What should i do? Lord pls enlighten me. Lord, pls. There is no one i can turn to. You’re my only light. Forgive me for being seeing the dark while you shown upon. Give me a chance and honestly, may the good happen lord. Give me the strength.

[looserdf33causethatswhatiam]

Can I pls once fall in love.. and only love.

[looserdf33causethatswhatiam]

Chat i tried to die again but the only different thing this time is I told my mom bout it. Very horrendous and i regret saying.

Note; paracetamol overdose death didn’t work. Bs.

[looserdf33causethatswhatiam]

Betrayed and depressed

Hi there. I feel very depressed cause I'm not going to college. Cause I didn't get alloted. Idk why God really decides to torment us, my family like this. Idk why. I feel so sad. I keep comparing me with my frnds and it's so annoying. It annoys me a lot. They are the ones that looked up to me but now I stad as a failure. An entire year wasted like why the actual fk? Cause we trusted some ass holes. Honestly so annoying and sad and disappointing. Like my life just sucks tbh. Why the fuck is it the way it is? I feel so heavy in my heart. I was studying well after I knew I had no chance but the hope changes me again. There is no fkn reason for this to happen. I could have gone. That's what infuriates me.. like I fkn can't cry too it's really a lot for me now. I just feel hella disappointed is all. I'm so capable to score so much or whatever. I need motivation. I have to start tmr. I'll give my all towards biology. It will never be enough so I'll try with chemistry as well. I have no fkn choice.

The truth is it annoys me to see all these people who gave like quarter the fks I gave and go into colleges while I'm just rotting like what the fk help help help. Idk why the fk god just keeps mum. my father's in a miserable state not even having proper food to eat. My mom suffers from tension and my brother is the worst. He has the worst behaviour. Ig he's just wants me to spend the lost time with them. Maybe its karma. Maybe I deserve it. Fk my life.

This year was/ is the worst year. Nothing was ever pleasent. NOTHING. THEE WORST YEAR OFFICIALLY.

I just wanna feel happy for all the people I see that are in a good place than me. And i must understand that not everything is competitive and we are not same. I just wanna feel at peace. I want my father to get a good job and God is just absolutely wrecking all our lives individually. I wish I truly wish 2025 will bring goodness. I fkn hate this year. Turning 18 is traumatic.

JUST FKN MAKE GOOD TIMES COME TOO!! PLEASE!

He gave us the worst betrayal. My mom me my dad. It's the worst.

But I just HAVE to keen going with the saying, it all happens for a reason yeah k no i suppose!!

Ik so many tharkuries will go into colleges while i sit here like an ass. Maybe its for my mom. Idk if truly makes me so sad. It rages me. Idk how to get over it. Make it stop.

Whatever.

We are not the same. This is a chance. This is karma. I deserve this. Be disciplined. Be grateful. Be kind. Don't be envious. Make pease within yourself. All is well. All is well.

There are so many people who are like you. You deserve this. You deserve this. You deserve this.

Bye. May 2025 bring peace, health and wealth to my family. Please.

[looserdf33causethatswhatiam]

Questionable things guys did that flattered/traumatized me.

Had a crush on me (don't)

Bought me my favourite chocolates.

Made me handwritten greetings with a gift (for my birthday)

Texted me gm EVERY. MORNING. 💀

Complimented my dressing

Added close frnds stories and notes (did not end well)

Gave me nicknames.

Wouldn't leave my cheek alone.

Bought silver jewellery 💀

Fkn proposed ⚰️ (two at the same time)

Cut their fkn wrist 👁️

Matched my glasses

Bad af flirt attempts 🤓

Held my hand mid convo🏃🏻‍♀️

Set my DOB as their device password 😀

Memorised my contact info 🤡

Cry when i spoke to other dudes (like?)🤣

Go around telling I'm theirs.🙃❌

Wait for me so we could leave together ✅

STARE😐❌

Stalk me to my house 🤓🧍🏻‍♀️

Got drunk when I refused to meet him and spam called a frnd while crying ❌

Studying together 👍🏻(he just wanted to talk)

Pretending to not know something so he could ask me to teach them. (Approved)

Bought the gang together to beat up a guy who messed with me. 🥸

Put up a scene if I didn't text him ONE DAY.

Spread rumours about me and my homegirl being gay. ✅✅💀

Waited for hours till my classes/lunch ended to talk to me.

Sent weird written notes during class 🥸

Included me exclusively in study sessions even tho I didn't understand a shit.

Passed me mini Xerox and saved my mfing life.

Asked random strangers to apologise to me for running into them accidentally😐. (Made them stand throughout the FKN corridor that I walk in)

Asked to be frnds in exchange of receiving money I owed to them. (??)

A junior guy that started liking me after I helped him with a few question in the exam hall🤡

Claimed to having a crush then proceeded to deep fake videos of me.💀🤠❌❌

Joined forces with me to end a perverted asshole. 👍🏻

Said mean things about me and framed me as a attitude persona. (Just why)

Helped me and stayed so patient towards me when I had a big exam coming up. 🙂‍↕️✅

A male teacher that continued to tease me with one particular guy throughout my schooling 🤓

Hated me for no fkn reason. (🖕🏻)

Lied to home so he could come see me and spend time with me during the last days of school.

Wrote a cute goodbye letter.👍🏻

Avoided a girl that had a crush on him and started hating her just cause he thought I hated it.🙂

Called me his queen.😬

Admitted to have been staring at me the whole time.😑

Scribbled the walls of school and public places with my name 🙂👎🏻

Had a whole highlights dedication for me.

Told me a song reminded him of me.🤝🏻

[looserdf33causethatswhatiam]

Neet. Again. Maybe.

Hey diary. I think I'll be writing neet again. Maybe. Cause idk if I can participate this year in the rn round. I'm really hoping for a miracle to happen. Where I get to join college this year. I truly believed it but it didn't happen. I got allotment but i couldn't join. I wish my father gets a good job with higher salary within this year..pls.

MY FATHER WILL GET A BETTER JOB WITH HIGHER SALARY IN MIDDLE EAST OR ELSE WHERE AND NOT NIGERIA WITHIN NEXT YEAR.

I hope I can score 400 maybe next year. I will try to get fully right in biology and chemistry I've gotta try but physics idk. It's hard for me.

I WILL GET 400 ABOVE NEXT YEAR IN NEET 2025. I WILL GET INTO A COLLEGE WITH EASE AND LESS MONEY BURDEN FOR MY PARENTS.

I will start studying tmr. I want to and have to do well. This is my chance. I got this. I can do it. I will do it.

May God be with me and guide me and protect me from all distractions. I can do what I want. Nothing can stop me. I got this.

I can do this. I can do it.

I manifest it. I can do it. I manifest it.

[looserdf33causethatswhatiam]

I'm invisible..

Hi diary

I officially feel fkn distanced from my sister..

I don't even like interaction with her..it's not like I mean it it just doesn't come so naturally like i do..

I feel twice as loney than before..

I'm so outcasted with me relatives and I don't really give a af anymore nor am I gonna voice that shit cause I did that a couple times and nothing changes..

Do you know how it feels to be left completely alone with there a couple million people around when you have your sister by your side or you thought you had but she left you already for someone else who ain't her sister? It does. Atleast not anymore. I've lost it.

It so fkn annoying and sad honestly. One of the main reasons I hate to go to functions. I don't like any of these guys..I just stick with my mom most of the times..

She doesn't care about me.

Why must I freakin care about someone so much when they don't even try..like???

I'm not a FKN pathetic bitch. I don't want to feel so much for someone who doesn't even try. I don't want to. Whoever it is. Idc. Cause I just realised how it feels. It makes me upset. Idc anymore. Not going to be a fool. I would never go with my sister to any family function cause I know I'll be stranded somewhere. 🤝🏻 Thanks. I've officially given the fk up. Don't be dependent on anyone. ANY ONE.

[looserdf33causethatswhatiam]

Places I'd wanna go with him..

Orchestra (very must)

Museums

Paris

Small cafe's

Ooty

Beach at night

Homes those kinds.

Switzerland during winter

Churches

Random nagars to get jhumkas (sarojini)

Himalayas

Kanyakumari

Madurai Meenakshi temple

Farms/fields

That Disney tangles setttttt (!!!!)

Vintage movies

Stand up comedy shows

Our favourite concerts

Jamu and Kashmir

Pattimandrams

Book shops

Slow dance in jazz clubs

Dubai spots

Japan??? NOT korea maybe China??

[looserdf33causethatswhatiam]

I know I'm still so very young but can I please just marry someone who is so obsessively in love with me? PLEASE???????!

[looserdf33causethatswhatiam]

Kid's names.

Noah

Alex

Jonquil

Mathew

Prilia

Randy

Lillian

Violet

Aroura

Delilah

Aster

Alder

Maple

Lavenda

Clover / clove

Brian/ Bryan

Belle

Venus

Hesper

Madrin

Yuda / Yohan

Mattaeo - gift

Elysian

Lenora

Vesper

Eryx

Neven

Azalea

Lunette

Yezekael

Kenzo

Evara -gift

Walter/ walt

[looserdf33causethatswhatiam]

Yo

Is it just my face or do I look fkn horrible in make up?! Like bish I tried?! With whatever the fk I got..and let . Me. Tell. You.

I look horrendous.

Make-up is never for me. Idk why but I just started feeling KINDA insecure thanks to my rotten bitch ass brain!

I feel like I was prettier as a kid and i just reached the peak level of ugliness gradually..

I look soo bad fam. I never really put anything in my face in my life but putting anything doesn't do anything too lol.

So glad. Amazing. The universe just said, "yeah. Remain ugly."

Idk I just wanted to maybe glow up a bit before going to college but I guess I'll just get there rolling and ugly..

And God bless my mole in the face..it's the ugliest thing!!!!!!!!!

I really hate it. But like I've been having it since i was like a kid so I just feel an attachment to it and my mom says it beautiful GOD THEY LIEEE

And that teeth?! Hello? It's going a separate journey away from the others and amma thinks they're beautiful as well. NO. :)

I hate them. :)

Ig I'm just meant to be ugly bruh..

Fk me.

[looserdf33causethatswhatiam]

Hi

Greetings. It's been so long. I can't sleep rn. Its getting depressing at home. I get dreams of my mom dying. I keep thinking about loosing them. I suddenly wanna live my life for them cause all they ever did was live for me. I'm not a great kid i swear. I don't get FKN crazy marks or tend to make them proud and make them feel happy to have ne always. I'm fkn average. I haven't done one thing for me or them. And the constant guilt of not being a good sister is killing me. Of leaving my brother and make him suffer. Of leaving him when he most needed me. I'm going to do that again by going to college that my parents bought for me. Idk why they love me so much istg i would hate myself as a parent. Idk why. I actually did have dreams uk.. idk fr..is that even a dream? It's prolly a phase..

I don't even have a dream. But I've been really good at arts and crafts and always love love loveddd building stuff. But i only seem to realise when the world around me is doing what I like but I'm not. My frnds are going into architecture and designing and here i am stuck with what I obviously asked for and being a FKN annoying burden to my parents and I don't ever think I deserve them.

God must hate them for giving them a child like me. I won't take those words back cause I know the reality of me and I don't ever wanna pretend cause it's really hitting in my guts lately. And I'm really selfish to stop them from suffering for me. That's the truth. Cause I'm afraid I'll fail to succeed if I get into what I love. And I don't have enough belief in me to go my on way. I don't believe in myself.

I'm just a heard of buffaloes going the same road. I envy them. I really do. I truly just want to die and ik I'm being selfish again by not caring how it would affect then people around me. It would never make a good change if I was alive anyways..

Id just continue to be a burden to everyone around me..if I were to die..my father doesn't have to put his blood and sweat into paying my fees and making me study. Sometimes no all the time..I wish I never existed. That's a rock hard truth. I couldn't give people who loved me a reason to love me except me being their daughter then how am I going to proceed?

Idk why but I just want to isolate myself and never come out a den. I don't want them to love me and care for me cause I don't deserve it. I really don't and trust me.

I can't sleep. Unless i force myself cause I keep thinking then. I don't wanna wake cause if I wake I'll have to think again. To live again. To breath again. To receive the love I don't deserve again.

I'm selfish. That's all I know.

[looserdf33causethatswhatiam]

Hi. This blog is my new bestie. And i just realised. Ily blog. (⁠ ⁠˘⁠ ⁠³⁠˘⁠)⁠♥

(coincidence..it's the tenth post! Maybe we're meant to be..ಥ⁠‿⁠ಥ)