lorofherown-blog

[lorofherown-blog]

The fire is warm but I am cold. What does it mean when you cannot feel warmth? What does it mean when you cannot appreciate small joys? What does it mean when you are not living but you are alive? What is that? I can’t quite explain what I am feeling but I know it is a common occurrence that feeling of not fulfilling potential, of not living the life you should be living.... a little help would go a long way but I don’t burden the people around me with these questions so I submit them on a site anonymously, quietly sharing the sadness I feel, no one knows me and that is comforting, I just write what I feel and I am safe... pretending.

[lorofherown-blog]

the lump in my throat

What’s this? This pain deep in my throat, it stops me speaking, paralyses me from speaking my truth, it holds me down, holds me back. Why is it here? Is it fear? Yes, that’s the short answer. The fear I will never be free because i fear hurting you so much, a treasured soul that needs love from the purist of intentions, I don’t have that for you, I have nothing left to give. I just sit here in my head, imagining a freedom I’ll never really have. I know what I feel, I know who I should be but I’ll be what you need, what you want and what you think is right, that’s it. That’s the pain I feel in my throat. What to do next? I’ll swallow it... that pain will sink into my stomach and be at rest with all the other pain, the loneliness pain, the sadness I feel when I remember people long gone and living their own lives. I’ll sit here and wait, wait for what I hear you ask? I don’t know how to answer that because I wait for time to pass and it passes, so I wait for changes in the wind, these changes  come and go... so instead I wait for money, that too comes and goes, so what do I wait for? I wait for courage maybe? Maybe I wait for a friend? Whatever I am waiting for, I know it won’t come, I count on it not coming because then I know I can be safe in my sadness. Nothing will change and that comforts me.