losing-meow - Tumblr blog

[losing-meow]

This. I tend to just... Not acknowledge my disability since "I am taking medicine that stops my symptoms so really I should just function like everyone else"

Which doesn't work.

Fuck internalized ableism. I wouldn't hold anyone else to the standards I hold myself to

[losing-meow]

I'm in such a weird place disordered eating wise.

I just want to be back in my honeymoon phase tbh. Not this mess of restricting and binging flipping back and forth between the extremes (and no this isn't because I restrict too much. Its just me being fucked with both ways of disordered eating)

Idk. Last few days were terrible tbh, had a gastroscopy on Monday and have been in pain ever since (to be fair kind of my own fault, I ate something spicy the day after).

[losing-meow]

1400 cal today.

Ended up going for a ready to go turkey-ham, spinach and egg wrap, a little sweet yogurt, some spicy nissin ramen and a piece of toast with egg salad.

I had a bunch of stomach pain today which is never a good thing. But seemingly unrelated to any of the food which isn't great either.

At least tomorrow is a public holiday so I get to sleep in

[losing-meow]

.. And I have grown so used to responding to it with eating, I open up takeaway sites without even noticing..

Gotta fix this

I love feeling empty until it starts hurting and I’m in that constant debate whether I should eat and make it stop or wait until I don’t feel anything anymore

[losing-meow]

Food went a lot better today ig.

Got a baguette (sub style) with salami and cheese, a salami stick and some mate drink for lunch

And a sandwich with cream cheese, vegan cut "ham" salad and a slice of cheese for dinner.

Total: 1300 cal.

Just goes to show that I really have no clue about food amount anymore. But oh well.

I'm planning zoodles with some type of tomatoey ginger garlic onion concoction. Maybe some shrimp if I still have them in the freezer (idk it's been long)

I felt slightly dizzy from the energy drink but it worked out so I'm not complaining. At least powdered energy drinks don't give me headaches and actual complete dizziness as if I were drunk. Canned ones do nowadays, which is super annoying because I love monster and rockstar but can't have them without major suffering.

Also I need to change my profile pic lol

[losing-meow]

I am currently having a really hard time getting back into restriction.

Made a mistake by having a frozen ready to heat meal without checking cals first. All other ones from this brand are 100cal/100g...this one wasn't.

At least I managed to do my presentation for class today. I'm at around 2200cal for today which. Wow. I'm disgusting.

In other news, I am looking to save up for vr gear. I want to escape this world and also beat saber has been taunting me for a long while..gotta eat way less tomorrow, I think I have to resort to energy drinks all day every day again. But they make me unable to sleep which only makes me more exhausted in the end. Oh well.

[losing-meow]

Guess who still exist ig..

Last months was stressful university wise (this won't get better lol)

But I broke up with my bf and fell in love with someone else and uh lots of stuff happening and idk I need a place to rant and also I need to lose weight (who'd have guessed that one eh?)

So uh yeah I am back I think.

[losing-meow]

BTW yes I'm still alive, exam phase hit me hard and my chronic illness is having none of it.

[losing-meow]

If you wonder about my mood....

It's hysterically sobbing only that I can't because the stress will make shit worse.

As you guys know I've been talking about calling my doctor and sorting out my medication because I'm doing worse.

My doctor is still on sick leave. And the receptionist told me in private that she has a very bad feeling (as in either retirement or death). She advised me to search for a new doctor.

Great! Not only do I love my doctor and would hate for anything bad to happen to him... But also.. I'm deep in the shit now. Finding a new doctor will take months until an appointment. I've already waited for 2 months to fix this because of the stupid Christmas holidays.

I have exams coming up. If it gets any worse I won't be able to take them. I'm already in pain all day. And then who do I turn to? The hospital? They'll give me a shot of steroids and send me on my merry way just so I can return 3 days later in the same state.

And now on top of uni stress the finding a doctor stress... Stress triggers my illness... This is such a endless spiral into worse and worse.

If I flare now, I will be losing ANOTHER semester to this STUPID illness.

Weighing in at disgusting 120kg doesn't help either with self hatred burning and me binging my ass off because that's my stress response.

Why. Always. Me.

Why can't I have a normal life? Without constant pain, constant stress and worry and illness.

[losing-meow]

Weight update

soooo I stepped on the scale. I already drank some and it was with clothes so I'll say I am at 120kg without that. God I hate myself so much. I just want to starve but seem to be unable

I need to clean my room later. Desperately. Maybe that will help my mental space.

[losing-meow]

I always feel existental dread and the feeling of something is going to go majorily wrong whenever I have a deja vu x-x

Idk if this is accurate I think I saw it somewhere ✨witchy✨ that deja vu can be taken this way but supposedly you have deja vu to let you know you’re on the path you’re meant to be on in life like you’re where you’re supposed to be. That’s what I’ve always taken it as. Regardless I just had it scrolling the 🦋 tags 💀

[losing-meow]

Update, its 7am now and still awake...

[losing-meow]

Also gotta love the sudden anxiety (?) thinking about all I have to do in the coming weeks and knowing I will procrastinate and worrying about grades and ofmg I surely will forget something but writing it down will make me feel even more overwhelmed since I'll see it all on one paper and aaaaaaaaaa

Also I feel disgustingly full and my insides hurt and need to call my doctor and he'll tell me to stop taking some of my meds and then ill get so so much worse but I have so much to do and I... I just... Aaaa

And it is 6am. How am I supposed to fucking sleep like thiiiiisssssss

[losing-meow]

It's 6 am and I should really sleep (shocker, I know) I totally just forgot I had university this week.

Good thing my bf reminded me lol I'm so stupid

Going to weigh in tomorrow (as in when I wake up)

Had ~1700cal today which is high but okay for not counting initially.

[losing-meow]

Yes they are - and yes I wear them sometimes.

I wear them because my waist is small for how much I weigh - my thighs however are not. So i have the choice (with non stretchy fabric) to get pants that fit on my thighs and fall down on my waist/ gape open at my waist and wear a belt with them, or to have no pants like that at all.

Do people actually wear belts?? That feels so unreasonable to me, they're so fucking UNCOMFORTABLE and they HURT

[losing-meow]

Me: What? Me? Disordered relationship with food? Nooooooooo.

Also me: counts out the remaining fruit gummies of the 150 pc box to see how many I had (twice).

(turns out I had 8)

[losing-meow]

So.... I'm home.

Ate pizza a few hours ago to get any last craving out.

Gotta weigh myself and I'm high key shitting bricks.

I think I'll try and not eat tomorrow (Monday, yes it's already nearly 6am, shhhh) - if I do it has to be something either healthy or low cal (ish) or mono.

I got chocolate from my boyfriend which I plan on using for a mono. I know you're supposed to have plain Chocolate without anything in it... But rice crisp is basically only texture soooo... I'll allow it.

I gotta clean my room and play a fuck ton of league of legends to finish the event pass so I should technically be distracted.