losingandlearning - Tumblr blog

[losingandlearning]

hmp

why cant i communicate clearly? i dont know i feel like im doing.. what others are doing... mimicking them in a way but everytime i talk with someone i never seem to get the reaction im expecting. they always take me the wrong way. i dont feel like i can win in most conversations... ill either be silent and get nothing out of it or say the wrong thing that i dont even know is the wrong thing... and end up feeling weird and off putting. its strange i thought i was getting better at it but i lack the consistency that others seem to have. i thought i if i ignored the expectations i have, and just say what i want it would be more natural and easier. but that doesnt seem to work either. i feel like with the connections i do have, ive already fucked up enough to where i cant say anything to affect their pre established thoughts on me. id love to be able to find out what people truly think of me, not in a narcissistic sense but.... more rather in a way to understand how i come across to see how they think about the things i say. i really dont get it . they can say the exact same things i say, even in the same tone, but it will elicit a completely different reaction. do people just naturally hate me? i know thats self pitying and obviously not true but... even a space where theres no prior history or link to any of my identity i still fail to connect in the way i desire.

"like theres not anyone who.. needs me to be around"

"do you know why that is?"

i dont and thats what bothers me. its weird i want to learn how to not need others but ... in doing so i would definitely solidify the already presence lack of anyones requirement for me. its one of the selfish reasons in why i desire i relationship. i want to need someone in the sense that.. there are few people in this earth who i feel i can share certain parts of myself with, to be able to share it all with one person must be magical... and i want someone to bless me with that same trust. is it so selfish to want to feel special? i dont know i think i deserve it... i just dont know how to get it. not only in a romantic relationship but in all of my connections... i want to be... liked i want to be trusted i want to be ... loved. but. i dont know i guess i must be going about it the wrong way. i cant accept that im just not loveable because well. what do you do then... just die alone and sad?

but i just.. i cant keep waiting for that moment. the flame inside me lingers dully, it will last but it will not give me the strength i need to even enjoy life. i float miserably along. getting stuck on random things that dont even phase others. i dont. i dont know. i WANT to know though, thats the worst thing i WISH i knew what i was doing wrong. maybe i still wouldnt put in the effort to fix it but . atleast id know.

[losingandlearning]

hmm

i really dont understand how someone learns how to be themselves. i feel like so much of what we are, the good and the bad are purely through replicating the actions of others in an attempt to fit in. so how are we really meant to be individuals if were just a patchwork of others personalities? i try my best to do things a different way or just be myself as they say but. i dont know how to do that and its not something youre ever taught. ive started to see the flaws in the muses of my replications and its made me think on who i really want to be. i want to be good, and i try but... i never seem to get the reaction out of others that im trying to get. i just get .. nitpicks... people saying the things they dont like about me. its not even that theyre critical people... they praise others constantly but... never me. i dont know what it is that im missing, i dont... think that i bring a positive experience to people. like no ones.. ever been abhorrently rude or critical about me , just little things. but ive never gotten a good reception really... im just struggling to stay afloat in neutrality.

i long for that connection so deeply... a confidant, someone to rely in without judgement but... i dont think ive ever had it. and it must be a problem with me if its been so repeated... maybe im trying too hard? ive thought ive had it in the past... and even the present but i always notice them drifting away from me ... or giving others that affection that i desire. i know it sounds selfish and spiteful but i dont know... everyone else seems to have that so why cant i ? im not asking for someone to give ONLY me attention. i just want the same kind they give to others. it just feels like i have an insignificant contribution to my circles... if i left today not much would even change, in fact it saddens me that it would probably get better. i feel like thats why i can be so spiteful at times... i want people to fail when im not there just so i can prove to myself that i have value. i know one of the worst things to be is an attention seeker, clingy and obsessive, but... isn't that the nature of our species... we desire connection. we need it and therefore we should be.. adept in it so. why do i stumble so much? i want to learn to be better but at the same time.. ive grown used to being bad at.. its hard to break through and i feel as tho i dont have the energy to commit. thats the thing about me... and what i dont get about the whole.. extrovert introvert thing. like by definition id be an introvert but when im alone.. i feel so sadden and well . alone. i feel like i need others to function but then.. whenever im socialising... i get all these roadblocks and grievences and want to be left alone. why is that? why am i not comfortable in neither being alone nor with people? i dont understand it.

and im so contradictory in my ineptitude. some times ill freeze and fully avoid even the slightest need to interact with others, and then at other times i wont give a damn and will act without care, occasionally digging my selfs in holes of judgement. so i cant NOT interact with people... that leaves me void and upset. but when i do interact with people i feel as tho i do everything wrong and end up with judgement and, feeling alone. i can't win. i wish i had.. .someone else inside my head. someone wise who could guide me through my thoughts without judgement. but at the same time i need to learn to stand on my own, despite how cold it may be. i can't keep looking up to others for where to walk, where to go and who to talk to. i just dont understand how theyre able to do it so easily.