lostandloveless2014

[lostandloveless2014]

Ok, yeah, I know y'all read my post, a lot of it is about my past life, and things are happening now on my son's father's birthday and moving back into my apartment, so now he is back in my life again, we're not in a relationship you spend trying to sleep with me, but I keep backing away, enjoying him nose surgery says he's trying to hook up with somebody else. Kids are supposed to be getting a place along with my daughter and my son is the other side, I also saw hopefully soon to be ex wife don't know when he's gonna go file for divorce, but apparently she's engaged to be married to another wow, 48 years old, right now, they're both homeless because she has a gofund me to try to get money, for they could get each other off the streets because he is diabetic, but I've been watching him cry, I've been watching him break down, he loves his woman so much, and it hurts me to see him being hurt and everything, because I really do love this man, let me, and she even basically telling him the same thing that he told me, because he told me he couldn't handle my health, my situation with my health, he's afraid, and she told him the same thing, and when I was hear that, and everything he being treated like, I was with him, I don't know right now, I'm here crying because I'm hurt. I'm just sad right now, I don't know what to do, don't know what to say, all I could tell if they hate don't jump into this relationship you first, but I want to do that, but, of course, his zodiac sign is Cancer, and he can't be alone barely, I appreciate God, I read my stuff, if y'all do, I just don't know what to do anymore, so feel free to comment on any of my help me because you know what I do this for my mental health, I can't tell post anything on Facebook Snapchat or tiktokbecause I have a lot of family members on them, the only thing I don't have family members on this in here and also spoon, but sometimes it hard for me to either record a podcast or go live on spoon, so I do this, so I'll talk to you hours later, she'll have a nice day

[lostandloveless2014]

Great people just makeing me feel like the worst person ever makeing me feel more like a burden to life making me question a lot of things that, I should ask my parents which they are no long alive. I don't like having breakdowns, they don't like having meltdowns, I don't like how people put me making me feel worthless. Because of my health, the doctor told me things I could do, and things I can't do, there's a lot of things I still try to recover from the hospital stay 2017- 2018 I didn't all the surgeries, and hospital stays between those things. Both of my family who you've been bother checking in on me, the start of the Corona virus I had I'll go, so I check on me to see if there's anything I need, I had an aunt not help me get some food, which I never got it. 2 of my cousins stay checked up on me, their parents also help me drink Christmas with my kids, making sure they had a good Christmas during this whole thing, my ex husband's family has been checking up on me and helping us out. I try so hard to do what I can, at least we have a roof over our heads in every thing, but apparently it's not good enough for most peopleand yes, it's sometimes hard for me to get my daughter to do anything, but all young adults just want to do whatever they want to do right now, is cleaning and helping hopefully we get it all girls so my son could come over good time with mommy

[lostandloveless2014]

Ok, the month of may was very interesting this year. I actually had people that gave me money on my cash app for my birthday and Mother's Day, a friend of my son's dad, send me 50 dollars Amazon card. I used to buy me things I want are things I need for my up and coming hospital stay. But it felt good, and also it felt sad, I had a lot of people wish me happy birthday and everything, but the people I was hoping for to wish me happy birthday was my mom, my dad and my sister. I'm also surprised that 2 of my aunts and my uncles can wish me happy birthday and they're on my face, but my cousins did my sister's kids did I feel good. I don't was just up and coming hospital stay, once again, I get my depression again. Because my mom, my dad, my sister, they will be there with me, they will visit me help they will even help me once I get home from the hospital, but I don't have that. I mean, yeah, I have my oldest daughter. And of course I have my son was only 5, she likes to give me my drinks and food, but there's certain things that he can't do. We won't let him do. I'm just nervous, I like to wow, home to a clean house after the hospital, but I don't know what happened. I guess I could have to wait to see, I mean, beginning this year I was hoping the same thing, instead I came home to even higher pile dishes. But like I said, it's wait and see thing. Anywho I hope you all like reading my posts and everything, and now if you I like, you can comment, but right now I got to go to rest.

[lostandloveless2014]

[lostandloveless2014]

Well, well, well, will you look at that? It’s Pride again.

You know the drill by now. It’s June 1, and suddenly everything from banks to big box stores has slapped a rainbow on their logo. Rainbow capitalism knows how to target LGBTQIA+ customers. For exactly 30 days of the year. How quaint.

Of course, it’s nice to make things bright, and colorful, and pretty. But it’s meaningless if that’s all it is.

Pride should be about uplifting and celebrating you, the community. And it should be year-round, not just 8.22% of the year. So, we’re signal-boosting your posts that celebrate, support, and honor all genders and sexualities over here. Follow to keep your dashboard lovely and gay as hell all year round.

And, yes, we’re also making a bit of a fuss right here on @celebrate (apparently, we just can’t help ourselves). So if you’re interested in talking about what Pride means to you or want to celebrate Pride but don’t know how to go about it this year, we made a fun little 30-day Share Your Pride Challenge list. Because you do, in fact, deserve to be celebrated.

Tag your posts with #ShareYourPride if you want to make them a little easier for other people to find. And Tumblr? Happy Pride. We’re glad you’re here.

[lostandloveless2014]

Ok, let's me, start with this month of may has been very interesting. I got a shirt for my birthday and my says, grandmother donated to one of the charities. American heart association, and my son's dad came over, celebrate with me, but I pretty much think give me anything for a kiss, but of course, at the time, money was tight, anyway, it's so, Cam being there spending time with his son and me and my daughter, that was pretty good enough, but this year I actually got money. Birthday money on Mother's Day and a 50 dollar gift card for Amazon, oh yeah, the the money I got with from 2 people, one with my cousin, and the other one was my son's grandmother, which was really awesome. So pretty much my birthday and mothers days was actually pretty good this year, I'm hoping next year I'll be healthy enough to have a party where this virus is even very low for it to happen. But I hope everybody's having a great day, this is June's first, and it is Pride Month and to let y'all know I am bisexual and proud of it.🏳‍🌈✨so I'm gonna let ya go and y'all have a great month and a great day, and everything be happy and joyful in your life bye for now

[lostandloveless2014]

Ok, so so for to spend on awkward year. I mean, January, I end up having a major surgery. Emery was Valentine's Day. They also had a cold winter. And yeah, the anniversary of my sister passing she's been dead for 2 years. That is really hard because the day she passed away all the way until the day that we had her funeral, which was April second of this month and then of course. Easter, of course, the third stimulus check which suck because a friend of my kiss, a you need to check your bank and check your bank which I got the full 1400. This time I like the last team list, they came on the same time of my SS I. Which I only received one check, I didn't receive my Social Security check. And then there's the doctors appointments. I don't have to see the plastic surgeon mark because I'm fully healed and everything has been taken out Staples and tubes. I don't, of course, I had an Eco cardio gram down which I got 3 so so that one right away, I need see you Thursday, be cool of getting my blood work done or I could you get it done next week before I go to the blood doctor ident, of course I have my nurse practitioner appointment next month and then, of course June I get to see the cardiologist that put the balloons in my chest so my valve open up and work like it's supposed to during the surgery. I'm just praying that the procedure that he wants to do is what we could do, but if it's not, then I don't mind having my chest cracked open for the third time to repair my heart. I wonder of any of those that has a congenital heart defect ever wonder how long that their body will let them have the surgeries before the body gets out? Because I'm always wondering that I am afraid that one day they'll come up to me saying we are so sorry till form you that we can no longer try to save your heart, all we could do is either pain, and have you go peacefully, those are the things I'm scared. Hard because I have my little boy l a be here for everything like I did with it's sister. But Hopefully I don't have to hear things like that yet I don't want make it more scared. I almost saw his father. He had a blood clot in his heart, the category him as a heart attack patient. Actually sustain a hospital go home on Sunday, they decide to go home, instead, he should have just stayed in head his other procedure done. But he wants to trust the the medicine to keep him going, here's supposed to go back to work, but somehow he's not even working. Brother noticed going to him. I know it's hard for him to be at home. I mean, he has his other son, apparently that's not good sitter for. He's the type of guy he needs someone to be there to also keep them company other than another child. I told several times if you ever want to see you could come over here. I guess not. I worry about my sons dad every day socially has else, he should know that he should they taken better care of himself, knowing that he is a type 2 diabetic, knowing that they have heart problems later on in life if it's not controlled. I am overweight, I was born with heart problems. Get tested every year for diabetes and HIV so far, negative on all of them. Came closer developing diabetes. But not yet, I keep myself on a very awkward diet, but it works for the water gain which now I have problems in my legs with that. But I take care of myself, he needs to start doing that, he has 2 kids, he needs to think about them and be here for them, I'm just hoping this is a wake up call for him, but anyways, I got to try go sleep, everybody have a good rest, I'll talk to you later, can for now, I shall say you goodbye until we meet again.

[lostandloveless2014]

Ok, update on me.

January I was in the hospital. I had an infected hernia mash was causing a lot of problems with my stomach and other places we have to remove it along with part of my stomach. I had what is called, and I call it to you, but water belly is a huge ball of water that was collected in my skin, tissue and cells, which was removed by plastic surgeons. They get a good job, I just got the final set of Staples out, they said, I feel very nicely, more than what they expected to be good with. I just have one drain tube that I'm still dealing with. But before they had to do that surgery, I had, they had a cardiologist team and they told me that I have to have 3 balloons inserted into my heart to open my right valve. Order to survive my surgery and after is that when it's like a pleat Lee hill, then I be going back underneath and they will do a heart Cath to insure something that will hopefully help my heart valve. Because my cow valve it's still good, it's just closing. But there's a lot of stuff I have to do before knowing when I get that. With everything looks good, we go with that way, if not, then we go and the old fashion way and replacing the whole valve once again. In a way, I'm scared, because right now we're still not allowed visitors when were in the hospital, even though I'm gonna probably be there for 2 days if we go through the heart Cath, if not, then no getting my chest cracked open and not having anybody can't see me, because I might be in the hospital a little bit longer sucks. Actually, the last few times me being in the hospital by myself has been really sucks, but I also found out that my food apps, I could order food, have them drop it off over at the service center, and no, call my nurse to go pick it up and bring it to my room. This is same way that if somebody wants to give me flowers or bring something from home for me, and they could do it that way, but knowing this time around, I am planning my hospital bag for any where 2 or more days cause I want to make sure I have what I need to make me feel comfortable like if I was at home which would be weird because my kids won't be there and being here at home. I have them yelling at each other and then getting me involved. But anyways, everybody have a good evening or day, like my post add me as a friend, I will follow you, if you follow me, so good night, everybody.

[lostandloveless2014]

Funerals?

My daughter went to a funeral this evening and it was my ex father in law who passed away, who is her grandfather. Now she took her Lil brother, who are not related to that family, just to my daughter, he went to. It's hard to say, because we have my funeral on this day too, when my father passed away, and that was 8 years ago. Today, it's hard for me because I miss my father, I know it's gonna be hard for my daughter, because not only that, she buried 2 grandfathers already. I'm surprised how well she's taking it but I do worry so much I know she's 19 but I will be always her mother and she will be always my baby even though she doesn't like me calling her baby I told her she will always be that and I will always worry about her of course her brother it's funny she thinks I have a favorite child I told her both her and her brother are my favorite children I did not pick one child over another I'm not gonna do what my mother did with me and my sister and decided to come back to me no matter how my sister nice health are different my mom should care with us the same. So my end this with this positive note, stay close to your parents, love your parents, bury any hatchet that you have with your parents and be there for them you never know when they will die. And when that does happen, I always make sure you have family around. And if you're only a single child, make sure your family on your parents side are there, so everybody have a good evening, and yeah, enjoy, please read and comment, thank you.

[lostandloveless2014]

Wow, this is the end of the era, when my sister's husband died, she end up having this house, it was falling apart, and she was trying to repair it, so her kids have a place to come to when they need you, she has 4 kids, her old is is from another man, the other 3 are from her husband, now the twins got an apartment and her oldest and her son, her only son are sharing an apartment, all the apartments are in the same area, which is good, my sister's oldest daughter got a new job that she wanted she get, because she was tired of her old job, she works with one of her twin sister it's hard for me because, well, this is the house we have Christmas together, we have nice week, cook meals together as a family your wife was pregnant with my son, we will go to the neighborhood to trigger treat as I pass out candy with my sister together, this year, I had my birthday with them, we had a BBQ I help him clean a house, you stay there with them with me lost her mother, I was there for Easter with them. They're gonna sell the house, as is because they can't fix it up to sell it, the reason why is because I just saw like a part, I have no hot water, I can't deal with the changes, I wish I had the money, I would just buy the house and then try to fix it up, and I know I don't have the money to do that I'm on disability, I have my SSI I don't know anybody who could do it, I don't want to lose this house, I have 2 memories, and all I can't deal with this people, I don't want to lose it, I know I have to make me miss my sister even more, I already miss her so much I miss her and my dad and my moms so much it just hurts me.

[lostandloveless2014]

This is about Thanksgiving, which was yesterday.

Ok, yesterday was awesome. I bought this bonus turkey, which is white and dark meat, and what they do is put all the meats together and bandage it up, so you cook it in the oven, when it's done cooking, you cut the cord, little netting in the netting to catch your slice your turkey, which is lot easier then trying to pull the meat off the bone as you cut it, you know, I had at least 2 of my nieces, my sister's oldest daughter, her name is destiny, and my other niece, Hayley Alexis, had to work. And of course, their brother don't want to come. I was off on his own world skateboarding. Would having 2 of them out of 4 kids is off for me now, I'm hoping for Christmas that I have all 4 of them that would be even better. I'm trying to do a little bit more with my sister's kids. I know it's hard for them that having their mom, dad, their great grandmother, their grandmothers, a lot of other people who had passed away in our family that we used to spend the holidays with not being here, you know? I'm trying to make it more fun for them and also for my children, so when I pass away at least a all have each other during the holidays and everything. So holiday she loves Halloween, she loves Thanksgiving, she loves Christmas, she really doesn't care much for Easter, but she does her best for it. This is so hard that having them here, especially with me. I know I have a lot of health issues, and I'm trying to make the best memories for her for all of them. It's hard sometimes specially when you don't have enough money but what I do with what I could do I don't know Hopefully I could get enough stuff put together for Christmas like I have a good Christmas you know not only my kids but my sister kids to you you know I've been on Long time since I ever bought them a Christmas gift either get him something as a family actually I usually get them something as a family like I kind of throw the popcorn you know the ones that have different flavors that she is a caramel all that I know every year I get on my different Christmas one but I want to get them something to a friend. I really do they deserve it. I mean, my daughter made my daughter, my sister's kids, one dropped out of high school, that's her oldest her twins, they graduated from high school, and then, of course, for youngest her son dropped out at 16. I her, she got 2 of them graduated. I love course, the girls, they work, one works at a thrift store that her mom used to work at my ex husband used to work at 2. That's even crazier. One twin works at McDonald's, she got employee of the month, very proud of her, she got promoted, I was very proud of her for that too the other 2 when she was working for an after school program. She's working at little Caesars. I'm just proud of all 3 of them working now if we get the boy to work maybe he'll learn how to budget his money because right now he's spending his sisters my like it was nothing it's not a good idea since they pay the bills you know all 3 girls are working all 3 girls are paying bills all 3 girls are trying to fix the house up he's just not doing anything and he needs to and this is the saddest part of me and he needs to do it but oh well I mean I could get involved but is sounds like I don't know if they want me to or they don't want me to I mean my niece finally told me that she has a boyfriend, which is cool, and I don't care how old he is, or he does, long as he treat you good, I told her, it's fine with me, you don't have to hide your relationships as long as he treats you, get in your happy it's fine with me, but anyways, I am going to sign off now, I hope everybody had a good day yesterday, I want to wish everybody happy holidays and merry Christmas from my family to yours.signing off peace

[lostandloveless2014]

Just like all my posts I post up in here, I don't nobody's gonna read this, I know nobody's gonna care about it. I do this to make me feel good, to keep me and sane. I love my kids a lot, I understand my 4 year old, he has a lot of toys, God, I know he has a lot of toys. We need to go through his toys to see which one he still plays with him, which one he does it, so he could donate it or something, you know, they trying to do that for the longest time, because with my health issues, I can't clean. I have a home care provider that comes, but she takes care of me, but she also does some stuff for the children. My daughter, my son, my daughter is 18 her room. It's really bad, she has a lot of stuff, since she was little clothes that don't fit her, she still has them to all of our clothes that she has now that actually fits her, but she won't wear them, I have a bag of clothes in there, because I can't put in my room, he had cause, well, I got to clean out some stuff too, and we were good, nice, but I am not able, just sit on my bed in my room, because my bed falling apart, I was supposed to give me a new bed, but instead, I was in and our hospitals for years now, and I haven't been able to give me a new bed, the back pay was used for bills, things we needed and since I can't cook because of pain we had food delivery so I have been trying to get her to clean and everything but she won't do it she sleeps most of the day goes to bed late. I tried to clean but I can't do it I get tired I have shortness of breath which makes me have a hard time breathing to the point I am pucking. I just don't know what to do any more but just crying

[lostandloveless2014]

This is a good friend of mine last week, Friday, he lost his fight with the Corona virus. Is a good man, a good father and a good grandfather. He also had problem with depression, and he was sit there and talk to me just like I would do the same when I have a problem with my depression. Hey, always wanted to try and kill himself, because he can't find a girlfriend. I told me eventually, you will find somebody that is worthy of your love, even though he didn't find anybody, yet he always not. I was there for him as a good friend when he told me he was diagnosed with a tumor in his brain, and nothing wants to remove it, but there was a 5050 chance that he could have died. He survived. He also had other health issues like his heart and him being type 2 diabetic, it took them a long time to have it under control, he finally did it, he lost alot of weight, and this was the last picture I took of him. It was after my son's first birthday. I was very proud of him over losing all that weight and everything else and getting his diabetes under control. When his family did not want him living with them, he always came in live with me, I always have problems about getting groceries in my house, and I didn't have time to go to the food. Places are the food pantries, so he would go for me sometimes he would call his father to see if they have a extra food that he that he or they could bring when a family have huge parties, his father always made sure that he made a couple of place to bring over to my house for me and my kid at the time, I just had one kid and that was my daughter. Posted up that it was true that he had passed away, my daughter is like what I really didn't want to tell her quite yet, I want her to have fun with her father, but I told her what happened, and everything is she is surprised with both of our depressions were trying to deal with this with the best we can. My son doesn't remember him that well because, like I said, he was only one years old when he met him. I have a lot of friends are missing him, and I even know that he was sick. I told him I did not know either, but since it is the Corona virus, nobody would be able to visit him, and he said that he was in the hospital and none of his family was there, only the nurses and doctors were taking care of him. So he died alone, but I know in heaven his mother was waiting for him to come home and I know he's with his mom. I'm writing this post, it is hard for me, but I had to do this. There was a reason why I have, this is the help me to deal with my depression. So I won't do something stupid. So I am going to miss him so much, oh, I think my sisters probably partnering with him to because she is up there. I don't want to answer that heaven people were waiting for him that he knew. So people out there, please wash your hands, wear your mask and for gods sakes, social distance, so we could stop this Corona. Nope, people could be alive and healthy, so I actually leave my house and take my kids on a trip or something, tyre being stuck in my house because of my health, I have to, because I want to be alive for my children to, so please, please, please do this for me, thank you.

Sincerely yours

Lostandlovelee2014

[lostandloveless2014]

Ok, so over the weekend I got sad news, my son's dad is getting married next month. To a woman that he cheated on me with and left me for after I got home from the hospital knowing I was dying at the time when he told me that he couldn't handle my health. If y'all read any my post that I put it here, some of you out know that I do have health issues. I was born with congenital heart defect, and I had a valve replacement and 2008, I was in the hospital, the 2017. Major health issues, when I got sick, had a hard time breathing, my white blood cell count was extremely high, and was supposed to be fighting off any infections that I had inside my body, water gain I also found out I was in congestive heart failure already, I had blood clots in my right lung that was actually going into my heart, so literally I had one doctor that told me that I should make arrangements because I wasn't gonna survive if I'm lucky I'm lucky if I did survive, took me a while to recover, it was a long long recovery but I didn't, but still just talk him from leaving me, and now he's married the home wrecking bitch. Which day God, they have a call me to see, I could be part of this wedding, which I won't be if my son wants to go, he could go as his father, I can not deny him that. But for my daughter, that's not really her father, that is her stepfather. He told me if I wanted to date, I could go ahead and do that, but I can't because one, I don't know how long I have to live, so it makes it harder because I don't want nobody to run away from me. When the time comes, I was so me to be there holding my hand other than my children. Telling me everything is gonna be ok, everything is gonna be taken care of while you're gone. Both my parents and my sister are in heaven right now, waiting for me. But I can't go, I can't. But I do want you so bad, because everything here him getting married the race riots and and protested in the Corona virus. Can't even leave my own house to go see my doctors, I have to talk to him over the phone and tell him how I feel and everything it's not the same, it's just not the same I just can not take it some more. But I have no want to talk to about this, no one accept for this, this site where I could just put my feelings. And just pray that someone reads it just to reach out to me and told me, everything's gonna be ok, damn. I can't even afford a new fucking bed in my own house. That's how bad it is. I want, if y'all have about my family, the last time I heard from any of my family members was from my uncle's wife don't want uncle, that gives me a hard time just to see if I'm ok to see if me and my kids need anything to see if my sisters kids needing anything to you know.

[lostandloveless2014]

I just got bad news about my grandmother's house

Ok, I'm still my grandfather pass away around November, had an early Christmas in December with my aunt. Before then I'm before my grandma passed away, my uncle is telling me that, you know I'm his step sisters was going to sell the house to him and everything, and I just found out because he didn't get the money, the check yet that they're gonna sell the house now, this is the house that my mom still father, God, for my grandmother but his children are the ones that just inherit the house, now the sun has passed away, and slowly, the 2 daughters decided to go ahead and sell the house, this is not only the house that she moved in with him, this is also the house, my mom and my aunt, and then my uncle was lived in. My mom passed away, and that house in her sleep without us, knowing that she was having a heart attack, actually, you know what she told him that she was having chest pains and that she was gonna have a cigarette and go to sleep yeah had a cigarette went to sleep and never woke up now I have heart problems I was born with congenital heart disease and when I complain about chest pains I'm in the emergency room even though it was indigestion I was always in the emergency room now here she announced that she is having chest pains and he just let her do what she want to do they didn't and her to the emergency room if they had called the ambulance and center to the emergency room my mother will be right here right now live with me helping me with my son and my daughter. But they just did not listen to her, so I don't have my mom. But I don't want him to lose the house, because it's something happens to me and my apartment that I get kicked out of here. He was gonna let me move in, he was a really charged me 200 dollars rent. It sucks people. I am so sad, I did not want to lose that house, and I should of save up all my back pay, I gave it to let me say here by the house I'm just paying me back later, but I did it because I have my kids, I had to take off, they need to stuff. I still don't want to hit you. And now we're not gonna have the house anymore. So I'm sitting here crying watching a new hope Star Wars movie. You myself up, I guess, so I'll talk to you, laters because I'll be back here tomorrow, and my next subject is going to be Corona virus.

[lostandloveless2014]

18 year olds

I don't know what to do with my daughter anymore. Since she dropped out of high school all she does is sleep until 1or2pm , is not much help with me or helping me care for her brother(I am disabled). She makes me cry almost every day. I love her but what can I do

[lostandloveless2014]

Happy birthday to my baby girl

Well tomorrow December 24th is my baby girl 18th birthday. Wow I can't believe it. She's going to be an adult. I remember when she was born, I mean, I went to the hospital and they were going to induce me, but instead, I was the baby with going into stress, and they had to do an emergency csection and when they were giving me the medicine to numb me from the shoulders on down, it only took one side, so they had to put me completely out, and I didn't get to see my beautiful girl until I came out of the anesthesia once I came out of the anesthesia, they had me in my room and they bring her the following day, so she had to spend one night in the nursery, and I had to spin a whole week pretty much after having her, but it was worth it, and my father stay with me the whole time we were in the hospital, her father came and visit a few times and it is great having her in I love her so much she's my oldest, but there's things that I wish she would do like try to finish high school, you know, but I guess the biggest achievement for us right now is her actually being here, still, I mean that girl is a handful along with her brother as I 2 hands full, I love both of my children, and I love my baby girl so happy birthday, I know it's a little bit early, my sweet little angel, you're always be my angel, you'll always be my baby girl, no matter how old you are, you always be. Because you're my first and you know, I do not have a favorite child, both you and your brother are my favorite, ok, so happy birthday.