lostboyproblems

[lostboyproblems]

Another late night, just like all the others that brought me here. Almost 9 years since we first met, and I want to say that time flies but its so much more tricky than that. In fact, I would say we've lived several lifetimes since those first days. Everything is so different now, even us. Especially us. I have my own troubles in my life right now but I think I'll be okay. But you are going through something that has given you an anger I've never seen. In all my years of knowing you, I've never been so worried and so scared for you. I wish I could just fix it but I don't even understand it anymore. I feel like I'm losing you for good this time and it still feels like its all my fault all over again. I used to be able to read your mood without being near you, like you and I were on the same wavelength. We anticipated each other, got eachother even when no one else seemed to. 3,000 miles away felt closer to you than I do now. I don't know what to do this time. I feel like I just got you back and now... I want whatever is best for you, even if that means losing you, I can take it, I can survive on my own now. I just don't think I ever imagined a world where whats best for you didn't include me somewhere in the details. I can survive losing you but please I beg, please don't make me survive that. Please don't let that be how we end up.

[lostboyproblems]

27 and just as lost as when I was 17.

I thought I’d have more pity for my past self but honestly it’s beginning to feel more and more like envy.

I’m just so afraid I’m going to disappoint myself.

[lostboyproblems]

What if I did this all wrong? What I’ve ruined everything and I can never get any of those relationships back? What’s it all worth if I end up feeling alone?

[lostboyproblems]

I think I’m running out of excuses for why I feel like this. Maybe it’s time to just admit that I’ve been broken for far too long to ever try to piece back together who I’m trying to be again.

[lostboyproblems]

I’d like to think there are infinite versions of me that don’t feel so alone.

Maybe I’m the outlier.

Maybe the rest of me never had to pick up the pieces of a shattered heart in a dark and empty room like I did.

And maybe even the happiest Me sits in his room and thinks about my version of events, and prays that one day I too will feel less alone.

[lostboyproblems]

I am completely disconnected.

Out of touch with the people around me. My emotions are elsewhere, maybe tucked very deep within myself but also potentially spread so thin within the atmosphere that they are now undetectable… I wish I knew how I felt about that.

[lostboyproblems]

I’m back home and I feel something pulling at the strings on my heart. I am deathly afraid to find out the source.

[lostboyproblems]

Smart but very confused, Scarred but never abused, Free but not set loose, Selfish but I care about you

- You

[lostboyproblems]

5 years later

And the world still falls away

When I look at you

[lostboyproblems]

I’ve been trying to put into words how I’ve been feeling lately.

It isn’t that I’m not happy with my life now,

But as I get older, I’m realizing that I don’t think I’ll ever be fully okay ever again.

Part of me will always be lost.

[lostboyproblems]

Tonight

I don’t want to make this hurt stop

Sometimes

it feels like a bad dream more than a memory

This pain reminds me of you

And maybe that’s because this is all that you left me with

I have felt so far away from you for years

But tonight

It’s like a piece of my heart is being broken all over again

And I can’t let this go

Because this is all I have left

[lostboyproblems]

I can’t begin to explain the thoughts going on in my mind. Everything is suppose to be changing for the better, but I can’t seem to find a reason to smile. This isn’t depression. I think it’s still just you. Why is it so hard to let go?

[lostboyproblems]

I’m doing a lot with my life right now but it all means so much less to me without you here.

You pulled me out of one of the darkest corners of my life...

How could you not be here now when everything is finally so bright?

[lostboyproblems]

Having you is like pretending to fly by jumping off a cliff

Almost enough, until reality breaks the fall

[lostboyproblems]

Just tell me

I have the Courage and I can find the Serenity but you need to give me some Wisdom because I need to know whether I’m suppose to save you or not, Nicholas

[lostboyproblems]

Not yet

As much as we’ve grown apart over the past few months and years, I still need you. I’m not ready to let you go, Nicholas...

[lostboyproblems]

>

I’ve been back for a little over a week now. I remember everything as though I had never left it. The world didn’t stop revolving while I was away, but I never thought it would. Everything is as it should be, except for me. I am less than I was before. Pieces of me are now scattered throughout Europe. I thought a boy held my heart but now I’m realizing that places are what I truly Love, and his presence just happens to be one of them?