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I hate that my ocxcanon has went from "haha funni" to "okay let me cook fr" bc hear me out but the hate sex between manager julian and hohenheim has got to be insane

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WHEN DID HEROFORGE BECOME ACTUALLY GOOD

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i also can't get over how crazy last session was for like the general party dynamic. it's genuinely so conflicting for nil because they know the only reason they're making so many friends and the party is being so nice to them is because "at least it isn't adánor". but at the same time they feel resentful for how mean adánor could be so they almost take joy in being the "better" one. but they also share his brain so they know exactly why he acts like that and that he was starting to undo it and grow as a person but everyone refused to acknowledge it. i think this constant conflict is the reason they just choose to just withdraw themselves and be a little hermit so they don't have to think too hard about other people's perceptions of them

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nil gets angrier every time i play them. r they ok (< literally plays them)

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cow shirt nil because uhhhh bitch im a cow...bitch im a cow... im not a cat... i don't say meow....

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take a nilly sheet i filled for shits and giggles. they haven't really had time to discover any of their likes and dislikes or hobbies or even dye their hair yet but this is all just what I think. half of the words here probably mean nothing bc they're exclusive to the secret homebrew setting but look at my beautiful wife

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first snow

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i can't stop thinking about nil daily. AUUGHGH my beautiful beast i love her. shegs so gorgoouussssss....................... i mean they.....

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its happening again im developing newfound love towards an animal i didn't rlly think about much until the Character happened. Nil's boundless love for the humble stoat has captivated me

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thinking about centi again i love my little bug critter :)

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eva: julian im starting to think that sometimes when we say things to you it goes through one ear and out the other

julian: check this out world's tiniest gangnam style *twiddles fingers*

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hmmmm i reslly love characters that spawn from one character and were originally designed to just be "[character] but [trait]" that end up deviating into their own being hmmmmmm

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oh god....there's ..... two of them...

on the left is adánor, on the right is nil

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forcing myself back into my town of salem fixation by assigning my current ocs roles. julian is an investigator (or a sheriff but i like the thoroughness and work an invest has to do to figure shit out. sheriff just bc it's a cute title lol), eva is a jailor. griffin is potion master ofc. leesihan would be so cute as a werewolf. ummm. that's all i got. narae can be a crusader

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Eva's identity issues can be boiled down to "mom dad i think i might be a boy. i use he/him now" "ok" "mom dad i think i might want to do art instead of being a feather" "Son you know we support you but this has crossed the fucking line"

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really longwinded fuckass trans oc essay

despite being trans myself i don't really think any of my trans characters actually satisfyingly explore the trans experience to me, which is fine because a trans character can just Exist, but also i do wish i had more characters who's lives and identities are affected by being trans. because my experience so far is that being transgender has affected me in a way where i feel proud to wear the label on my lapel because i've come this far. but i find that in most of my trans ocs' stories, being transgender is either a: destigmatized and/or b: not a problem (hormones and medical transition readily available, taken care of). there's that line between "do i really want to write transphobia into a world where everyone can just be happy?" and "i want a character that's had one of the genuine modern trans experiences" (i say one of and not "the" because there is no The Trans Experience).

then theres project moon world. where gender is and isn't important because gendered bodies and traits do exist, it's literally just the names that are subverted. but (at least as far as i personally know, i dont know anything beyond lobcorp, half of ruina, and everything up to like the lab half of yi sang's canto) we don't actually see or hear any discussion of gender or gender issues, or anything implying that a gender inequality or trans people even exist. which is fine i guess. not the main focus when people are turning into giant monsters and killing each other with giant swords. but it makes it hard to picture any sort of modern experience and relationship with gender in that world that'd match up with anything we relate to. body modification is a commodity and normalized there. you can get surgery to transfer your body into a robot body as long as your brain is intact. you can replace your head now. top and bottom surgery is ancient news, that's just normal. you can replace your head with a triangle now. do people still come out of the closet? does gender even come into play with sexuality anymore? does anyone give a fuck when people are turning into monsters and shit? it sounds like a nice world, where you don't have to constantly be on defense because someone might kill you for being a little too queer, but it also makes it really hard to visualize anything you can relate to without it seeming a little old-fashioned or silly for it to even exist

in my salem world buggy / skuggy being trans was me slapping it on them because i was trans and i wanted to connect with my ocs. i honestly havent revisited them in a while so i forgot a lot but i tried to work it into their stories but mostly ended up thinking longer on it for skuggy as kind of just him crawling out of a bad home situation and him being able to transition finally being his foot down on earth away from that old life. like shedding a shell into a new one. yeah things still suck and i'm heading for a town that's going to kill me, but i finally am on t and i can start saving up for top surgery. but after that point in his life it fades to the background and it's just normal. i think my salem folks are the closest ill get to being able to explore a genuine transgender experience

farrow is weird because the entirety of his life he's been kind of accustomed to playing this certain role and sticking with it, and losing himself in the tough guy facade of uncaring manipulative loner that he just becomes it and doesn't see another way until he's literally killed for being a prick and reduced to a speck that can't hold that facade anymore after being put into his place. as a child he was androgynous and didn't care about it but was still a boy. but the moment he's forced to stop revolving his life around the sole purpose of survival (in fact probably now the opposite) and has to be forced to face what actually lies beneath that facade he's implanted into himself , that nonbinary elephant in the room suddenly gets very very big and loud and he's forced to stare it straight down. i explored his very disorienting confused tiptoes into gender expression and identity mostly in private because i got shy being anything less than funniejokes about my ocs, but it was really just "i think i might be nonbinary but i have a job so i cant think abt that rn" "oh shit im unemployed im fighting these fucking demons" "why did being called this term awaken something in me" "oh god help me". i think i explored and pushed it the absolute most in band au where it's the most similar to modern day reality and just got to make him a little thing. but it's kind of the same thing where while i did get to explore his gender presentation and his thoughts on it and how other people close to him reacted to it or affirm it it i don't ttthink it has a lot of bearing on his character. which is fine i guess. i dont know how i feel about characters who's entire basis is being trans. but i guess that is literally just how it is irl being a stigmatized group you are just Defined by it bc it affects Everything In Your Gd Life. idk where im going with this

idk the thing that prompted this is just thinking about my lobcorp ocs because it is so. HARD. to relate to any of their trans experiences or write anything resembling a modern trans experience with them. they live in a hyperdeveloped future, why Wouldn't they have access to hrt and gender affirming surgeries. why Would it have any bearing on them what gender they are, they have to go die in a Nest or smtng tomorrow. i think a lot about eva and griffin and even like myukeu or roger/mags. i'm trying to go back and think about how it might've been for eva growing up but the most i can think is that he probably just stayed in the closet until he built up the courage and his parents were just "oh okay cool i guess. maybe you wont be limited by the glass ceiling now. finish your damn homework" like just such a anticlimatic end. (but even that response implies any sort of gender imbalance or acknowledgement of gender in this world and honestly, with all the women taking leadership and even mastermind roles in this world there is no way that's anything close to canon. also i dont want to write in fuckin misogyny. but thats the thing in a modern au His Parents Would Fucking THink Like That his identity gender and all takes a backseat to his Purpose. but its hard to write that when Everyone Is Just Like That with gender). like yeah i can write this character juggling work and arranging pharmacy prescriptions and fitting in a daily t shot into his routine and having to recover after top surgery but once he's socially transitioned even if he doesn't pass it doesn't have a bearing or effect on him because It Doesn't Matter Here You're An Employee All The Same. his identity is an afterthought in the corporation. the only time it comes up is when he befriends other trans people and has that "oh hey" feeling of solidarity or when years down the line he's getting freaky with julian and has to explain no an abnormality did not scar me those are surgery scars. im trans. and then it's fine

idk this is a very looseform ramble because in the end i don't know what my actual thoughts are. i guess i yearn for just a mundane trans experience. which is why i'm so drawn to band au / modern aus of any kind because it lets me write these people being Very Mundane Normal People. sure writing them in doomed time loops and turning into giant monsters and harnessing powers beyond comprehension is fun but also i really like writing mundane shit even if its boring to read. why do you think i spamdraw post-lobcorp so much. theyre normal. anyways time to brainrot more over band au than the actual canon

also if there have been any mentions/discussions of gender in projmoon games i would 100% be down to read an analysis or whatever. this isnt a projmoon haterpost believe it or not it's just me thrashing within the nonexistent box i've put myself in.

i like mundane modern trans characters. i like trans characters that look like people i would meet irl and just Exist the way we do irl. i dont care if there is no transphobia in the world i just need to see them being mildly inconvenienced by having to do advanced aerobics to take off their binder or experience gender euphoria after wearing a tank top and jeans. i wanna see them having a sleepover and getting their nails painted for the first time and just going "oh my god i can actually be pretty thats just something i can do". idk. i think i just want to write more trans joy into my stories it's just hard when there's a more prevalent ongoing plot going on (hell timeloop and melting away of identity)

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He is 🤍🖤🤍(peep the cat doodle my boyfriend made me)

He's just gotten dragged around by all these people he doesn't know and one of them had the power to show him his memories like a big movie. So he did. And he watched all 120 years. And at the end he was like oh my god what the fuck. What the hell. Man I was an asshole and I was ruined for a long time but I made so much progress and now it's in the bin. And now I'm too scared to get all those memories back and become something so different from how i feel right now what if I become something I hate

Also after watching all those memories of him being such a jackass to his rival bard he went up to the bard and went Dude I'm so fucking sorry. Holy shit. and the bard was so shaken he was like PLEASE . . . STAY THIS WAY . . . and hugged the shit out of him fjfhfkgj

Anyways we getting normal in this fucking campaign

everything changes - 6/23/24

Fighting the war against character-based-character cringe by seizing the opportunity to change his appearance after this upcoming time skip He's changed a lot throughout the campaign and I think they somehow managed to fix him and make him worse at the same time. also, they're (the party) immortal now

edit: absolutely rolling over this now because he's like completely lost his memory. about himself. so yeah he's gonna be real different