lostinchowkit - Tumblr blog

[lostinchowkit]

What turned out as expected?

My current job.

I remember walking with a friend from junior high school about what I wanted to do in the future. Many professions crossed my mind upon trying to answer her questions. Ranging from being a psychologist to a criminologist. Mind you I was so obsessed with Sherlock Holmes back then. But eventually, I told her I wanted to do something relating to human rights. Honestly, I couldn't recall what led me to include human right activist as an option there. I think it was because I was reading a collection of speeches from influential people who fought for the sovereignty of society. Thus, sparking the 'calling' to partake in humanitarian work.

Frankly, that once-blooming desire didn't last long. It was then overcome by the ambition to become a criminologist. Although, the chance of me ever having a future ever back then was slim to none. I was in complete shamble. I only showed up to school so they didn't mark me absent and flunk me. I was too absorbed in my emotions. It felt like tons of unpleasant memories coalesced into one giant ball and hit me right in the head. I went on with life relying on the tiny will to keep afloat. I was running in circles with zero idea where I'm heading - or even the knowledge of will ever make it at all. Lord, even I would have numerous mental breakdowns that I had to go home and several hospitalizations as well from stress-induced severe asthma attacks.

This continued into senior high school. I was basically a hopeless case. I would skip school on a daily basis. Even my friends were hesitant to work in the same group as me because they weren't sure I'd show up the following day. Things were looking slightly better upon entering 11th grade. I actually made effort to never skip school even though I could barely process most of the materials the teachers were teaching us. What mattered back then, I tried. I think I even surpassed the minimum of my target. I joined a debate club and became the president of the club. Though I was sure I did a poor job at it.

Twelfth grade was probably the moment when I thought "Eh, this is okay. I'll make it."

During this period, I was so grateful that I didn't have a hard time fitting in and connecting with people. I think it was because I've grown comfortable in my own skin and being alone in general.  I was no longer part of the club because I had to focus on the final exams. But I was appointed to lead our class' final art project.  I still wonder how they could trust me regardless of my poor track record. And with my academic performance, I still never made it to the top ten. But long story short, I graduated.

Sadly, this bubble was kind of shattered when my parents nearly got a divorce. But they didn't and I had to bounce back.

Then came my university years. Those were a complete blast. A moment of true self-growth and self-discovery. I studied Journalism and though it was TIRING AS HELL, I had fun doing all the coverages. I too made so many friends along the way - a few I'm still in contact with. I tried to put myself out there as much as I could. Joined an organization, saw a psychologist, won a competition, went abroad for the first time for free from winning the competition, did an internship, and finished my study with distinction.

Post-graduating, I decided I didn't want to be a journalist anymore. I put that as my last resort if none of my job applications went through. Luckily, after grueling months of job seeking, the universe decided to land me a job at a local NGO. That led me to recall the conversation with a now-distant friend about the future - and the question about whether we'll make it at all.

Now, I'm working at a different NGO. I get to work with many activists fighting for a just society. Thus, indirectly pulling me into their circle, where I can firsthand experience what was my ambition years ago.

 I am still unsure about the possibility of seeing the future as somehow, I no longer feel elated to welcome it. I don't know, perhaps it's because I'm now on meds that kind of nullify my emotions.

The point is, I may never see the ultimate silver lining of it all unless I'm dead. Because the only ultimate silver lining is death. All the silver linings I have experienced and will experience belong to moments. As long as I get to live the many moments to come, then I get to witness and reach the silver linings that promise me better days.

Anyway, sorry for turning it into everything BUT about my job. All in all, hang in there, bubs.