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[lostinthereign]

“I made myself soft as the sky. / I loved so open / I knew every edge / and chose to fall from each of them”

— Kolbe Riney, from “voyager,” Up the Staircase Quarterly

[lostinthereign]

~ Margaret Atwood, from "Variation on the World Sleep"

[lostinthereign]

— Amal El-Mohtar, from This Is How You Lose the Time War (via lunamonchtuna)

[lostinthereign]

"A woman is not written in braille, you don't have to touch her to know her."

[lostinthereign]

Fyodor Dostoyevsky // Alanis Morissette

[lostinthereign]

Willa Cather // Franz Kafka

[lostinthereign]

Stop attacking the past versions of you. They were doing their best at the time and they got you here. It’s amazing how much progress you’ve made and how much you’ve grown but please don’t think your past self lacked worth in any way.

Instagram: @solitudeismyeuphoria

[lostinthereign]

November 9th 2021

You know what pisses me off..every time I want to say his name, your name burns on my tongue. Every time I want to tease or joke. Every laugh or kiss. His name automatically changes to yours.

I thought time was supposed to heal all wounds…apparently self inflicted one’s don’t count.

Maybe it’s the only way I can atone for sacrificing my heart and his too.

[lostinthereign]

September•13•2021

“Sometimes the right path is not the easiest.”

It’s been a while since I’ve done this. Obviously..

So where do I start? I guess where I left off. After completing the recovery program for my ed I moved out to Arizona since that was the plan.

Arizona. Freaking Arizona. Everything is brown and khaki. I constantly feel like I have a layer of sand on my skin, I shower daily because of it. I drink more water now than I ever have in my entire effing life. The people here are so different. Such a melting pot of unique nationalities and lifestyles. Nothing like back home. People either give me a weird look when I say yes ma’am or no ma’am or they smile and ask where I’m from. Everyone loves my accent even though I do my best to try to talk without it. But we all know that when I’m flustered or nervous it just slips out.

I miss home. Oh my hell do I miss home.

I miss the smell in the air when it was about to rain.

I miss grass. Effing grass.

I miss the beach. Salty water and sunscreen.

I miss my great grandmother’s house. I miss seeing that crooked mailbox.

I miss riding down the road and people waving.

I miss my sense of community, of belonging.

I miss being so damn close to my safe place. To my great grandmothers grave, it was peaceful and it made it feel like I was still talking to her. Now I’m 2,000 miles away from her.

I miss my cousins. Even the stupid ones lol.

I miss my goddaughter, I missed her first steps. That hurt to have to see that on video.

I miss late night drives and coffee dates with my brother, I wish I could have one more night with him just driving.

I miss going and sneaking into haunted places with my sister. I miss being wild and dangerous. I miss her spending the night and holding me when I was sad. She never said a word but I knew she heard me cry sometimes.

I miss not having to say how I felt. I miss the people in my life just knowing. Here I have to constantly say how I feel.

I miss bonfires and dancing around them like a heathen under the moonlight.

I miss my granny. I miss her brushing my hair and brushing away every heart ache with it.

I miss me. I miss the confident, steadfast, passionate and bold person I was at home. I miss the girl who wasn’t afraid of mud between her toes and grease under her nails. I don’t know who this emotional, insecure, uneasy girl is.

The inside of me feels like it’s one small push away from breaking and screaming. Sometimes I just wanna hit something, to feel some pain and release the hurricane inside that’s been brewing for days now. I want to freaking cry and not feel like a failure for finally letting it out.

The outside of me though? Makeup on, outfit appropriate, hair done and nails colored with the perfect smile on my face. Because Momma said you can either be sad or ugly but not both.

So while the outside shows the pristine picture of a dutiful daughter, loving friend, caring helper and well rounded young lady, I know it’s a lie.

Hell. All it would take is one right question and they’d know it’s a lie too. Because just like all it takes is one crack to bust the dam..I just need one good shove and god only knows what’ll come out of me.

Maybe I’ll humor myself and drive until I find some god forsaken rock mountain and scream. Maybe then I’ll find me again.

-Lostinthereign

[lostinthereign]

April 29th 2021

Whew it's been awhile since I last wrote on this. I guess today is as good as any. He called. I feel like it's been years since I've heard His voice when really it's only been weeks. I hesitated for a brief moment but the urge to hear Him was too overwhelming. Hell hearing His voice was almost too overwhelming. He spoke and my hands started to tremble, my heart sped to a beat I had almost forgotten and my body just about caved under His voice. I couldn't function under the weight of his voice. My brain and tongue had a friggin stroke. I swear to god His voice triggered some sort of Kinky/Romantic muscle memory. Like what the actual hell. How on earth does that happen? What hold does this man have on me? AND WHY DO I EFFING LIKE IT. I'm so screwed. How will anyone else compare? How could anyone else come close? If I overthink this I'll crash and burn and I don't want that. So I'm just gonna take this day by day and step by step and just breath through it. I'm gonna enjoy what I can while I can. He knows that I love Him and after all this time? It's still Him.

I need to read a new romance book because I'm obviously drowning in it.

-Sunflowersandrabbitholes

[lostinthereign]

November 4th 2020

Day 68

Dear no one,

I say no one because it tricks my mind into thinking that no one is here and I can just get it off my chest. So no one. I’m a liar. I lie constantly. Almost every five minutes. What are my lies you may ask?

“I’m fine.”

“Yeah I ate.”

“Of course I took my medicine.”

“No I’m not tired.”

“Yeah I wanna go.”

Like I said. I lie. I’m a liar. But I don’t care.

I think that’s the problem now. I don’t care. About anything really. I just don’t. I’ve lost interest in everything and everyone. And I realize this. I just don’t care to change it. Like I said. I don’t care. Caring means feelings. Feelings mean pain. Pain means crying. And I can’t allow that. However I will say I was weary about this medicine that the doctors gave me after my last relapse but it blocks out everything. I can’t feel anything. I’m numb. Blissfully numb.

I work a lot. My job just thinks I’m really invested in what I do and not really, It just keeps me busy. Keeps me focused. I work constantly. At two different stores now. I work about 53-56 hours a week and i think it’s good for me. As long as I’m working I’m not thinking. If I’m not thinking I’m not reminiscing.

My brother is my ever constant companion. After my last relapse to the hospital because apparently one cannot survive on red bull alone. Coffee doesn’t do it for me anymore. Don’t ask. Anyways after convincing the doctors I didn’t have an eating disorder they instead came to the conclusion that I was depressed. Go figure. Hence the feeling numbing medicine. So naturally I didn’t call my mother instead I called my brother and now he won’t leave my side unless I’m working. But now the addition to him is my mini food diary. Which he checks. Every. Damn. Day. For the last two weeks. Which if I don’t fill out he’s gonna tell my mother about my last trip in the hospital because I didn’t tell her. Because I lie.

“I just stayed over at work.”

My brother also made me stop sleeping in my..I mean his hoodie. I cried for days when the smell left. It was the last thing of Him I had left. It almost broke me. It did break me. Apparently it’s adding to my depression. However I hid my tshirt inside my bear and yeah. Let’s just say that bear doesn’t leave my bed. I remember when my brother asked me what I felt like and I told him I felt like Lucifer. One moment I was in paradise and the next I was cast out and in hell. I’m that’s exactly how I feel. Felt. Would feel if I could.

He encouraged me to do something for me so I went and bought myself a cute light blue claddagh ring. It’s cute and big enough that I can wear on both my ring and middle finger so it makes me happy enough to wear on my middle.I don’t know why that’s important to me but it is. It was great until I realized that it’s almost the exact same shade of His birthstone. His. Friggin. Birthstone. Even my subconscious still bows to his will. Always thinking of Him. Damn her.

What is wrong with me? I feel empty, like a void has swallowed the woman I used to be or the one I was becoming. Hell I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. Maybe that’s better.

To not know.

Thanks no one. For listening.

[lostinthereign]

September 16th 2020

Day 67

Today has been a day where the gods show you just how mighty they are. My tire blew in the middle of a cornfield. Yes. A literal cornfield. It only took about an hour for a very kind man to stop and help me. He changed the tire, talked with me and showed me what to do next time. I had nothing to offer him for his kindness and I wished I would’ve had more. Finally I thought all was well but nah. I made it to the very small town of Salley population 200 and searched for a while for the police station since my phone had zero service and just when I was about to give up I saw this small group of men. Cautiously rolling my window down I asked for directions to the police station and instead I was asked if I knew where I was. My answer of the town name wasn’t satisfactory and he replied “Nah girly you’re in the ghetto.” My stomach sank. Not because of the mention of the ghetto. I’ve been in plenty of those. But my stomach sank because I could tangibly feel the vibes and mood in the air change.

Nervously I kinda laughed trying to lighten the tension but it only got worse when he told me that he wouldn’t tell me where the police station was but he would show me. He tried to get in my car and immediately I connected my gaze with his giving him the most serious look I could muster and telling him that I didn’t need his help and I would be leaving. After he insisted that since I had used his time I’d need to give him something. Naturally my number was such a price. His boys and him stared me down like a pack of jackals waiting for my next words so I told him If he could tell me where the police department was I’d give him my number. So he got my number and I got to the police station. Now you might be thinking. Why didn’t you just leave? Why would you give him your number? 1. I had spent at least 20 minutes riding through the town looking for one person to ask directions and there was no one. 2. It’s not hard to block a number. 3. My pride isn’t worth not coming home. As a girl you have to play your cards right and I did as delicately I had to.

Now let me tell you that when I found the good ole police station the one cop that was there was just as slimy as the group of boys I just escaped from. So after using their phone to call my mom which not gonna lie I almost broke down into tears but I didn’t wanna look weak in front of Sheriff Freako so instead I told her what was going on as calmly as I could before having to hang up and go sit in the pouring rain in my little ole car. Where I sat for 3 hours. Sleeping on and off because I had been up since 430 am at that point and I was exhausted. I had no cell service of any kind and then out of the blue my phone lights up and goes off. It’s one of my good friends so I answer and she’s crying losing it. And I do what I do best. I comfort her, listen and talk her through it. All while I’m in my car. Waiting on my godmother to get to me so she can follow me to the tire shop.

Once getting to said tire shop my day completely turned around. The guys there were very sweet and it was a mom and pop run shop. The woman who didn’t have a name other than Momma showed me what to do and where to get the information I need on my tires and my pressures next time. Honestly the kindness and the comfort they provided was almost overwhelming for my fragile emotions at that point. Finally after another 2 hours on the road I was home. I collapsed on the couch in my moms arms and she just let me cry and get it all out. I had spent the day pushing through and I just couldn’t anymore. She made me eat since I hadn’t had anything since that afternoon and she made me drink before getting me into bed where my lovely little cat held my face all night long.

I never ever want to go to Salley again.

-Sunflowersandrabbitholes

[lostinthereign]

September 8th 2020

Day 65

“She loves the serene brutality of the ocean, loves the electric power she felt with each breath of wet, briny air.”

It’s been a not so great two days and honestly my mind has been so focused on pushing forward and keeping going that I haven’t had time to process my feelings and I realized that I was hurting more than I thought I was. I was overconfident and prideful. My fathers birthday was on the second of this month and like usual it me like a ton of bricks except this year I didn’t acknowledge it. This year I pretended like it didn’t exist. I even had an amazing playtime that erased every bad thought, feeling and memory I had of him. I don’t talk about my dad a lot. Mainly because even after 23 years it hurts like hell. It’s hard knowing I was the daughter he never wanted, that he preferred his sons over me and honestly I think that has a lot to do with why I try to be so strong and tough. I spent my childhood trying to prove I could play just as hard as the boys.

Yesterday it hit me like a flood. Every feelings I had buried deep down came bouncing right up. And it over took me. It completely drained me and it wasn’t until I felt the water on my skin and the sand underneath me that I realized how much I was drained. The ocean has always been a special place for me. It’s always been a comfort. A place of solace. She was exactly the same. Never changing. Not one grain out of place. She is the only thing that I’ve ever really counted on. That I had 100 percent security in. And she gently sent the wind to play with my hair and the soft rays of evening sun felt like I was wrapped inside a blanket. I can never explain how healing or kind the ocean is but she is.

Tonight I’m back in a hotel getting ready for work in the morning. And I’m enjoying the room with the door open and letting the sea air in. Hopefully it’ll magically cure the ache in my chest and the tightness in my shoulders overnight. Maybe it can cure the heartache I feel.

*Self Love Moment*

Unfortunately today I can’t find it within myself to find something right now. So I’ll have to correct that when I can. I love me. I just can’t find the words to say so.

-Sunflowersandrabbitholes

[lostinthereign]

September 5th 2020 

Day 64 

I wish I had more grace or words to say but my hands are desperately shaking as I write this and trying to do this while on skype with Sir is....challenging. In the best possible way but being triggered every other minute or so is god. just god. Imagine being on a boat and feeling the waves carry you gently every so often but then boom. HUGE ASS STORM AND YOUR BOAT FLIPS AND A SHARK COMES UP AND EATS YOUR LEGS BUT YOUR STILL EXPECTED TO SWIM TO SHORE. Thats kinda what this is like. Actually thats excatly what this is like. 

Friday was good. It was weird though like I went to this school it what we call in my hometown the “bougie” side of the hills and lemme tell you. This school was sitting on two acres of land that was filled with track fields and football fields for miles. The school itself had three stories and two elevators. Like I definitely felt like I was out of my pocket range lol but the kids were awesome and the day went by smoothly! I did drop one of my lights and ugh burnt my a small piece of my leg. I’m good now but eh it sucked in the moment. 

Friday night however was way great! Me and Sir watched a movie and of course we didn’t just watch the movie we played a game while we did and that was amazingggggg. Don’t let me lie I struggled for a bit but it was worth it in the end. He always makes it worth it. Hence why I love playing with Him. Even though my abs have been sore since like Wednesday its so worth it.

So I haven’t really talked it out yet with anyone but Thursday afternoon I had a small idk...like panic attack/overthinking session/freak out/mini emotional session. I don’t know if it was because of the crazy intense scene we did the night before or what but for about 35 minutes I was stuck in that whirlwind. I wanted to call and talk it through but I knew He was busy at work and I didn’t want to bother Him. After my mini freak out I bought myself some apple juice, grabbed my alien stuffie, and watched a princess movie and straight up took a nap.  Not a fun moment but I got through it. 

Ummmm other than that yeah I think that I’ve covered most of it. 

*Self Love Moment*

I love my willingness to be dauntless. I love that I explore everything. My curiosity is almost never filled and so my spirit of adventure is what makes me happy.

-Sunflowersandrabbitholes

[lostinthereign]

September 1st 2020

Day 62

Last night sucked. I had an awful migraine that I simply couldn’t get rid of and eventually with the help of some ice and medicine I passed out. I hate it because I missed out on some playtime with my Master. And I set an alarm to wake up about 830 ish my time and I slept through it. I didn’t wake back up again until about 230ish in the morning and I was super hungry so like the little raccoon I am lol I snuck into the kitchen and made me some cereal and crept back into the game room for some air for a little bit before I snuggled back down into bed.

Finally the maintenance man is here to fix the blinds in said game room so that way the creepy neighbor next door can stop looking in my windows at weird times of day. That would be great. Annnnnd it turns out I might have to replace my alternator. So full day today.

However I woke up this morning to the fragrance of roses that had perfumed my room overnight and I felt like a princess waking up in her kingdom. Honestly it was the best feeling ever as I just stared at the card beside my bed reading the words over and over. “Smile, Little One.” My heart melted all over again. I really don’t know what I’ve done to deserve His kindness but I am so overwhelmed with the love and security I get from Him.

Hopefully after a day of drinking Gatorades and trying to eat a little more I’ll be powered up for tonight! Cause I don’t wanna miss anymore time with Him.

*Self Love Moment*

I love that my fingernails are practically my mood rings lol. I don’t say much, I don’t like talking about my feelings so the best way I express myself is through my nails.

-Sunflowersandrabbitholes

[lostinthereign]

August 29th 2020

Day 61

So. It’s three am and I’ve tossed and turned all night. I cannot, absolutely cannot get that one scenario out of my head. Every time I close my eyes I’m there. I’m running through the jungle, I can feel the humidity sticking to my skin and the vines stinging my arms and legs as I brush them out of my way as I run. I can hear Him laugh as He gives me a head start but soon enough I hear the crunching of branches underneath His feet and I know He’ll catch up to me soon. Geez. Plus on top of all that it’s so so hard not to touch and explore, to try and get some of the pressure released but...Good Girls don’t cum, Good Girls edge their mind away.

My day was otherwise pretty boring. I replaced the battery in my car, filled up the tires, topped off the oil,checked on the brake fluid and vacuumed out my car. But unfortunately I got a slight tan on my cheeks and shoulders from being outside so long. It’s hotter than hell durning the day. Anywho I’m really trying to write down as much as I can so I don’t keep hearing Sir say “run” in my head on repeat.

Tomorrow is already an interesting one and it hasn’t even started, hopefully I can get some sort of sleep lol.

*Self Love Moment*

I love that I’m always growing! I’m always stretching who I am as a person and learning new things. It’s fun, it’s amazing

-Sunflowersandrabbitholes

[lostinthereign]

August 27th 2020

Day 59

Ugh so much has happened since I last wrote in this journal lol. Hmm okay let’s see if we can get to it all!

So I had a photoshoot early early Tuesday morning So Monday night I drove up to the hotel during what seemed like a friggin monsoon but I made it. Tuesday was...interesting. One of my photographers broke her finger and I splint it up somewhat efficiently but she still had to be sent home earlier. OOOOOh I found out my other photographer was pregnant!!!! I’m so excited for her!

Annnnd I finally got the promotional palette that Nyx sent me to try out and it’s GORGEOUS!!! So many pretty colors!!! I can’t wait to try it out.

Wednesday was good, I was able to work with the kids more this time than the teachers plus I saw some of my kiddos from K5 and they were so big! I was so proud of them. Wednesday night kinda sucked in the beginning only because I had a friggin migraine and those are never fun. However He was so sweet and took care of me. He helped out with the pain and then He went the extra mile and made me feel incredible, not just in body but emotionally too. He pays attention to everything thing I say and even what I don’t. He really is indescribable.

We also had a really open talk and that was nice. I wish I was more okay or comfortable with being vulnerable but I’m working on it. I’m trying. And as long as you’re trying it’s an effort.

*Self Love Moment*

I love that I take time to listen. The people around me are important and worth listening to.

-Sunflowersandrabbitholes