lostsoulcj - Tumblr blog

[lostsoulcj]

Toni - they are :) ty 7:31pm Jordan - it's algood 7:32pm Toni - What favour? 3:11am Jordan - The one for taking axl 7:22am Toni - Yes, but as I said - within reason. 2:03pm Jordan - As in? 2:25 Toni - Well, give me an idea on what your thoughts are 3:14 Jordan - Well along the lines of last time but getting to finish? 3:51 Toni - okay 3:52 - when 3:52 Jordan - Ummm idk? 3:53 Toni - lol can't tonight I'm cleaning. House inspection tomorrow morning 3:55 Jordan - Aww yup, whenevvs. Rather not double dip either if u can let me knw 4:04 Toni - LOL -wouldn't do that silly. 4:17 Jordan- just saying cause I don't do that to you. 4:18 Toni - I've never done it either so shush. What time do u fin work? 4:19 Jordan- idk looks kinda late 4:20 Toni - gay. Okay 4:20 Jordan - why? 4:20 Toni - was gonna ask if you could take us food shopping 4:22 Jordan - lame though you had a ride 4:23 Toni - nope 4:24 Jordan - see when I finish 4:25 Toni- Okay :) 4:27 Jordan - might be a while 6:13 Toni - okeh I'll just try some other way lol 6:19 Jordan - yup 6:48 Jordan - already been? 8:03 Toni - nope 8:03 Jordan - is it late now 8:04 Toni - for? 8:04 Jordan - don't you have to clean? 8:05 Toni - yea 8:10 - I needed carpet cleaner Jordan - omg reall? 8:12 Toni - really 8:19 Jordan - I'm exhauste x 8:19 Toni - ya 8:21 Jordan - okay 8:41 Toni - night 8:42 Jordan - u shitty? 8:43 Toni - I'm good 8:46 Jordan - okay night 8:51 Toni - good night pops :) 8:52 Jordan - pops? 8:57

[lostsoulcj]

04.05.2017

I sit here praying for a miracle, praying that I deserve to be happy. Do I deserve a baby of my own? I hope I do, I wish for nothing more then a little person of my own. That doesn't have to go home to their mum, a baby that doesn't have to settle in to being with me. I want to be a real mum, I know my angel baby will always be looking over me but I want to be blessed with another one of the beautiful souls. I love you cj 💗 save me please xx

[lostsoulcj]

30.04.2017 due date xx

Today is the day, I've been terrified about since we lost you. You would either be here by now or on your way my baby girl. Losing you my baby I lost a part of me, I am learning how to live life without you, it is not easy at all and I think of you every second of my day. I wish you were here! I wish I knew the words to explain how much I wish you were but until we meet again I will hold you forever in my heart. Mummy & daddy love you soooooo much 💗 my CJ born sleeping - 02.12.2016 Due date - 30.04.2017

[lostsoulcj]

I want to die. I want to be gone for this shitty place is earth, I'm done with the fucking bullshit I put up with. I feel like complete shit, when is enough! Why do I continuously get out through this shit, I am so alone but everyone is too busy to care. I'm done

[lostsoulcj]

10.04.2017

I am a person filled with emotions, I’m a person who is lost. I don’t know who or what I am anymore, I always think about what would even be different if i were to leave this earth - who would even care.. My few true friends, my family, people that truly care.. but I guess they can also see it coming so they are getting themselves ready. I cry myself to sleep mostly every night. I don’t know what to do or even how to do life like this, feeling so empty: so broken where I feel I will never be fixed. I love Jordan so much, and he will never understand how much i truly do he will never. My heart breaks because he doesn’t seem to care that every time he accuses me of cheating it hurts me, every time he say certain things to me it stabs me in the heart 1000x over. If only I had my baby girl, the one thing that I would’ve loved out of this world because if I can love Jordan as much as I do I cannot even imagine how much I would love something that we made together. The struggle I put her through, the struggle I go through every single day. My baby would almost be here by now, everything would be ready and I would almost be a mother to a beautiful baby who I could lay my eyes on and be instantly in love but instead I hold my little girls ashes, brand new clothes that she will never be able to wear and calling myself a mother when it’s not really the same. I don’t know what to do but cry.. Continuously cry waiting for a miracle, waiting for a rainbow to come along and try mend my broken soul… or am I just asking for to much…

[lostsoulcj]

02.04.2017

I lay here and think so hard to myself. What have I ever do to deserve this pain and misery. I don't know why I'm still living today I want to be with my baby, I want to be where all my pain and suffering is gone. Where nothing can hurt me anymore, all I want in this world is to have someone love me as like I am there world, I want my daughter back I want her kicking around at my stomach. Jordan tells me to get over it and let it go, when has he ever talked to me about how he feels, just complains that I'm selfish when I am so good at hiding how I really feel and even when I ask to have sex he gets angry.. maybe it's because I want another baby and the only way that'll happen is if we have sex. I swear I will be dead by my 22nd birthday if this is the way life is taking me, I don't want to be here to see the world be happy around me when I hate waking up ever morning. It only gets worse as time goes by why that is I don't know and won't understand why. My life was changed when I first saw the positive pregnancy test, and now that I sit here thinking about what I could've done to stop it and maybe she will still be here today, I think about all the clothes I brought her and how much love she would've had from all her aunties and uncles, I just hate that I still have so many unanswered questions and why the fuck it has happened to me. Everyone seems to forget that 4 months is not a long time and I would be so pregnant right now. I just want to shut myself out from everyone and die, slowly fade more and more away like I am now. I want to be with my baby.

[lostsoulcj]

22.03.2017

Becoming pregnant was something I wanted so bad, Jordan knew that I wanted it too so I tried for months.. Nothing, my period continued to come & I was so disappointed, I started to give up. Surprisingly my period was late one month, I took atleast 40 pregnancies within the course of ¾ months but during the months I ended up pregnant I took about 10 test within the space of the ¾ days cause I knew something was up. I ended up going to my doctors as I need a pamp smeer to find out with the faintest pregnancy test that it was positive I was pregnant with the most beautiful blessing in the world. A get bloods done I tell my closest friends, and find out a few days later that I was only 2 weeks pregnant at the time of finding out. So I then have to wait another 4 weeks to have a scan! My first scan, oh I remember it like it was yesterday. Jordan was there and I saw my little babies heart beat,

[lostsoulcj]

26.01.2017

18 weeks and 3 days when I found out my waters had broken I lost all my fluid. I had multiple ultra sounds at the hospital after noticing baby had no fluid I was then given the decision to let baby struggle with no fluid which the chances of her surviving were very low, with high risk of infection which could caused infertility or see if she would pass naturally, as she was my first child I had so many things to think about so I wanted to let her fight but she didn’t pass naturally so they gave me the option of the pill which bringing on labour, my choice with going through with my pregnancy was weight up by me wanting to having more children in the future and getting an infection that could harm me and or my future of having more babies. I can’t exactly explain this. I went through 7 hours of labour, dtarted at 8am she was born at 3:30pm on 2nd of December weighing 285gm. It was insane because there was no opening of my cervix it was just a rapture of membranes. I had to make the hardest decision of my life 😞 and I struggle so much everyday. I know that she would be struggling and her lungs wouldn’t have been developed. It’s just my friend is also 26 weeks with a girl right now too which doesn’t make it any easier. I never actually felt her kick, but I always used to feel flutters.I’m so strong and don’t talk to many people about it but now I just really want a baby.

[lostsoulcj]

03.01.2017

It's really hard for everyone to watch me go through as I've always been the strong/ funny one who was never to cry and always cracking jokes about almost everything, On the 29th of November, 2016 I had just come home from a long day of shopping with my friends where I brought baby so many things. Lying in bed that night I couldn't sleep, I knew something was wrong after finally getting to sleep my flat mate comes in and wakes my partner and I up, says our car that we park on the road had just been broken into, after calling to the police and staying there with them at 1am I feel something dripping down my leg, literally filling my whole pants with fluid that I must say smelt so odd, I called the health help line, after the amazing lady on the other side telling me to get to hospital I called my dad to come pick me up, as our car wouldn't start. Long story short and sitting in hospital for a crazy amount of hours I was told my waters had broken. I was then transferred to hospital that was more focused on earlier pregnancies, over the day I was told that my baby was not able to develop lungs properly at how far along I was into my pregnancy... On the 2nd of December, 2016. After 7 hours of the most worse pain I've ever experienced I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, weighing at 285grams and being only 18 weeks and 2 days pregnant this

[lostsoulcj]

20.12.2016

I miss your little flutters, I miss that you made me feel bloated, I miss that I would always need to pee but

[lostsoulcj]

Our beautiful little angel grew her wings and flew to heaven, yesterday I delivered a gorgeous little girl who we decided to name CJ. Even though meeting you was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life I know that it was all for the right reasons, so precious, so beautiful and so strong just your mumma. We will be with you one day but for now your nana's will be spoiling you and giving you the love and attention we wish we could. Rest in peace my little pickle, fly high. Mumma and dad love you so much. - 02/12/2016 👼🏼💖