lotstosaylotstodo - Tumblr blog

[lotstosaylotstodo]

if i were to pinpoint where everything started to fall apart i’d say it was the summer before my senior year in highschool. at the beginning of that summer, things were still fine, i think. i was on mnfh a lot and still making lists and still excited for my mother to get home from her trip. it was still fine until that weird night where i was suddenly called to look after my little cousin because my aunt had to hurriedly go to another room to talk to another aunt of mine. my siblings and i were staying at a relative’s place because we’d usually do that in the family. at the time i didn’t think much of it, i just thought that maybe they just couldn’t wait to talk about something--still fine then, but kinda weird. i found out later that that was when it became certain.

it wasn’t until days, maybe weeks later that my mother and her sister called for my siblings and i to talk about the [redacted] that it began. i was pretty numb, but also angry. i can’t really explain or wrap my head around the feelings i felt during that time because the days following all became a blur. i hardly remember the events that happened; my birthday, the sudden trip to the south island, the start of senior year, our class trip to the north, etc. that whole year was-is still a blur. it didn’t help that my partner was away for college and i didn’t really have anyone to process what happened. i had friends, but we were so young and so stupid that i don’t think it would’ve been any help anyway. 

i became spiteful, angry--just so fucking angry about everything and i don’t think i ever cried about it at the time. i wasn’t able to fully (maybe not fully still) process what had happened until years later. i’m still not fully okay, i guess. still angry, but a bit less now. the things that have come up to fuck me over... i can’t really deal with, like i’m not really equipped to handle??? i don’t fucking know? sometimes i feel like i’ll just be stuck in that place until the end of time. fuck. 

[lotstosaylotstodo]

friend has been here for over a week i think and it's been a blast. i love having them over and spending time with them. went to the beach over the weekend and although it was short, i still love that we got to spend that time with each other. my partner and i slept in the same bed as them--it was cute.

i still have a bunch of things to do, but i did do some of it! that's a pat on the back in my book. my mind kept racing because of all the things i'm supposed to do, but will save those for later when our friend leaves again. definitely lots of catching up to do. i asked my partner what we're doing when our friend leaves because our days have been filled with just being together and having a laugh. we said it wouldn't be as fun as having our friend over but it will be a different kind of fun. we're planning on cooking lots what when things free up. wanna get back to playing games with other friends too, i really miss that as well.

as i was lying down i kept thinking about how it would've been if we did go on that beach trip i wanted to go to (not the one we went to), because that would mean possibly including someone who I've come to dislike by a lot. would they have gone with us? would i have had to take film pics of them too? waste those film shots on them or just pretend to take the shot? haha. i probably would have. that's how much i dislike them. i do miss the food on that island though. hands down the best food i have ever eaten i think.

friend is leaving in a couple of days and that makes me sad; but they will come back next year with another friend and i'm sure that will be a hell of a time.

[lotstosaylotstodo]

no longer sick i think. thank you friend for sending money for my meds. got my refund back and finished 1 (one) singular art piece. it’s dogshit. (no i will not show any art ever)  had one decent meal today--it was squash soup. for some reason it smelled cheesy even though there wasn’t any cheese in it. i could’ve eaten more, i don’t know why i didn’t. now i’m hungry again. should i still go out and buy snacks? it’s 1am where i’m from right now and the shop is just a block away. asking a friend if i should. they said i could... and they want me to buy for them too--as a joke. 

the time my friend comes to visit is drawing closer and closer and i am ESTATIC. i miss them so much because i haven’t seen them in four years. will make the most of the time we can spend together. 

short entry i guess. 

[lotstosaylotstodo]

i wanna play more apex and get good at using the kraber and nemesis. i wanna try out the armory place too. 

i was going to sleep 2 hours ago but my mind kept racing and racing. things i haven’t done: any artwork for this sem, backlogs, haven’t inquired about that class i supposedly drop, my refund, ask whether or not that coffee shop is looking for people to work, etc, blah, blah.  i do not wish to see anymore  i don’t even remember why we followed each other back on ig. i never really got to know them. i only met them twice and we didn’t even talk. they’re old news now, but they still haunt me.  in the same vein: it’s not gatekeeping--it’s wanting to keep things private for my own pleasure. “i do not wish to be perceived” i don’t know why i jump from wanting to overshare all the time (i never do) to never putting anything out (save for the finsta posts). i have a scrambled brain fr.  a friend is coming here to visit soon. plans keep changing and things are getting cancelled and i hate it. i was looking forward to certain things, but i guess those don’t really matter because the fact that the friend is coming here is the most important thing. i just wish people knew things already-- in terms of planning things out, i mean.  i keep getting sick and i don’t know why. is it because of the people i live with? the air in our place? the fact that i go out almost everyday--the most i’ve ever been since the pandemic? i don’t know. i just wish i stopped getting sick already. it’s tiring and it drains the fuck out of me.  oh to have a space of my own. a space to breathe.