lotusrootrecords

[lotusrootrecords]

my peach seeds in the fridge finally germinated today :) i mostly forgot about them and when i found them in the ziploc in the drawer i was expecting to throw them out, til i saw those cute little roots poking through 🥺 immediately planted them in soil, hoping at least one of them turns into a lovely sprout

possibly flying to my family in california soon.. thinking about all the books and old video games i'll bring back with me makes me happy. mostly books.

i'm gonna work on my vextro jam entry for the rest of 2021 into early 2022. trying to get into the habit of writing again 🥴😖

job apps and school decisions feel like theyre receding a little into the back of my mind.. maybe i can keep going at my job like this for a while longer. i feel like there are still things i can change about my life. less phone time, more reading, learning to knit (it'll happen...). getting a small tv in my room to play games on... the finer things

[lotusrootrecords]

10.5.21

some days like today, i seriously consider not quitting my job. when i'm not terribly sleep-deprived, not experiencing a lot of physical discomfort, and i get to leisurely make myself some tea and breakfast, i feel like i can keep making it through. i think about how much slacking i get away with here (e.g. i'm writing this post), and it feels harder to justify leaving.

am i a fool for thinking the grass is greener? isn't this the easy desk job with health insurance i always wanted—and still want? etc.

in some ways it is. but i know i still have reasons to leave

work is fucking boring

usually i do wake up tired, sore in the eyes and jaw, and every slack message or call from my supervisor is psychically damaging

i have to fill out a timesheet every day with all the activities i did, making it add up to 7 hours (obviously i stretch everything out to be 5x longer than it was, but still... it's the principle!)

having to stop WFH and go back to in-person office one day... in chelsea no less... i hate chelsea.

i just want a change! i've been here for almost 3 years. i think it's perfectly valid to want to go from one soul-sucking job to a new soul-sucking job, just for the sake of doing something different, being somewhere different, meeting different people.

the only thing that really makes me reconsider quitting is not having health insurance for an unknown amount of time, which is pretty infeasible given my condition. i can pay for coverage in the short-term, but it's not something that'll last more than a couple months.

that's why i've been trying to apply to jobs and find something concrete before i hit the quit button. i've only sent out 2 apps so far, more on the way when i can muster the energy... this world we live in is so sch*wpid.

anyway, enough work talk. i'm glad that i've been able to spend more time with a close friend recently. i'm glad that my partner and i got back to watching coffee prince, which is really funny. i'm glad that, even if i don't make enough time for them, there are so many things i want to do, things that feel good to do. spending time with my loved ones, reading, writing, making games, studying korean/spanish/mandarin, exercising, cooking, making music...

it's way too easy to gravitate to the easy distractions: tiktok, twitter, chess videos. on a normal day that's all i would've done until now. starting today, i'm going to try hiding my phone...

i think i want to blog more. i used to blog so much in high school, but i was way lonelier then. and more bored. but it's nice to put thoughts down, and to have something to look back on later, see what i was thinking about, reading, listening to. a little repository of life detritus. i don't think making posts this long is really sustainable though hahaha

bye for now :)

[lotusrootrecords]

in december 2018 i bought this calla lily for my partner's birthday (hey if ur reading this i love u!!)

unfortunately, i didn't have much space for them (my room then was literally closet sized), so i had to put them on a high high shelf, where i often forgot to water them (or to be honest, just didn't feel like it..). long story short, they shriveled.. and eventually i gave up on caring for them. the stems became brittle and fell apart easily. i kept the pot on the shelf and didn't touch it for months.

around april of this year, i finally brought down the pot again. i wanted to scoop out the soil, in order to re-pot some other cuttings i was propagating. after digging out a few spoonfuls, i hit something hard. i removed some more dirt and uncovered this big, beige, gingerroot looking thing..which i eventually realized was the bulb of the lily.

i was curious...i started watering it. every couple days, just to see what would happen.

eventually, these little bright green shoots started pushing up! (and the little baby succulent i put next to it.) this picture is from early in may, back when i was getting ready to move everything out of my old apartment and into the new one.

and this was them today!! the stems are so thick and tall now, and the leaves are slowly starting to unfurl! (you can still see the uncovered bulb.) it's so nice to see them bouncing back, even more beautifully than when i got them. i can't wait for them to bloom again and to see them in the morning light.

lately i've been feeling very...hm. i can spend very long amounts of time by myself, if i'm not careful or intentional about reaching out to others. it's so easy to lose touch with friends, and to lose touch with parts of myself. and it's easy for me to give up on things that are difficult.

it's important for me to remember that change is always possible--and in fact, it's inevitable. i need to be reminded of my own dynamisms, and other people's dynamisms. creative practices can be revived, and relationships and intimacies can be renewed, just maybe in different forms..

All that you touch

You Change.

All that you Change

Changes you.

The only lasting truth

is Change.

God

is Change.

[lotusrootrecords]

i think, what i want to remember in all of this, is that games can be/should be/are silly and fun, too...

i don't know. i think a central problem i've always come up against is that i struggle so much with figuring out how to say the [hopelessly broad, zoomed-out] things i want to say. i forget to root myself and writing in specifics...particular images, creatures, characters, interactions, memories. which, when you zoom in like that, everything is a little silly and messy and personal and embarrassing and weird. and from there, from something small and mundane, you can radiate outward.

[lotusrootrecords]

almost 1am...tired, dried out. working from home is so much more convenient than having to go to the office, but it's still work and i still can't go outside.

streaming went well, but i feel like i was kind of going through the motions with ttyd. i think i'll try a new game next time, something i haven't played before.

i almost forgot this morning started with the mouse trap in my closet snapping shut. it was still dark, the curtains drawn. i wrapped up the dead mouse in a plastic grocery bag, tied it up and placed it in the kitchen trash can. i wish it didn't have to be like this :(

i'm going to churn out this krz essay by the end of the week and be done with it. it's just been weighing on me too much. i think i also get overly worried/defensive about people responding negatively to what i'm gonna say. but it really doesn't matter lolll

drinking water is really important for not feeling like shit. something i rediscover every few days.

i miss my partner. wah wah

[lotusrootrecords]

time to die

[lotusrootrecords]

sore throat went away :)

[lotusrootrecords]

scratchy throat from last post went away after a day, BUT...this morning i woke up with a sore throat and a tiny cough. there's a very plausible non covid explanation though, which is that i cleaned a fuck ton of dust off my windows and ceiling fan yesterday, and i wasnt very careful and it probably irritated my throat a lot. hopefully it will go away soon. if the cough gets any worse or i develop any more symptoms i'm really ✈ mt sinai

i read a really, uh, scary? anxiety inducing? thread about the virus just now before showering and it kind of freaked me out. i mean i feel like there's no point in losing it rn trying to figure out if i have it or not. i just need to keep doing what I've been doing, probably even more intensely. just.. the thought of having it and, by extension, my partner having it, is really scary...as difficult as it is to be apart, we really need to prioritize our health and safety for the next few weeks, at least. i don't want to think about how fragile our healthcare system is right now. i desperately want to believe that i'll be okay. i'll hole myself up in this apartment for months if i have to. i'm scared for the thousands and thousands of people who aren't going to make it through this.

i baked this bread today. the feeling of the dough as i kneaded it was so comforting...

when i think about making a game, i keep coming back to the same ideas and images. a party at the end of the world. a hole marked "death." a repository of memories. tomorrow i'm gonna write. i'm gonna make breakfast, clean off my desk, and write. and then maybe i'll stream, and i'll watch haikyuu with my partner. and we'll make it through another day.

[lotusrootrecords]

mildly worried that i have the virus...my throat's been a little bit scratchy all day. i haven't had any other symptoms, but im trying to monitor my health closely. good thing i live within a mile of a hospital, and have insurance, and paid time off...

i booted up pathologic for the first time today, on a whim. i only played through a few story beats, but it seems like a really interesting game...at the same time, it seems demanding. i'm not sure if i have the capacity or desire to get really immersed in it right now.

maybe it's time i go back to working on a game. the last time i really tried to do game dev was months ago. i feel like i have a clearer head now...i'm not interested in making something polished or profound or even finished. i wanna make something 10 minutes long. i wanna capture a feeling...

[lotusrootrecords]

i totally missed this album when it came out, and just happened to find it on bandcamp this past december. it's very nice. reminds of a sunny day in glasgow. (that's a band. i've never been to glasgow.)

i just sent my office manager a request to work remotely for the time being, and she fwded it to the director of the dept. i hate sending these kinds of emails and making these kinds of requests, but i can't let that stop me from making decisions that are safer for my health and well-being. anxiety lost today!! also like, my job is 100% doable remotely anyway so fuck them if they say no.

even if i cant get this, i'm still taking a few days off next week cuz of my infusion on monday, so i'm looking forward to that. time to stream 😖✌ if you're reading this, take care of yourself, please.

[lotusrootrecords]

on one hand i feel like i rly dont have to write about KR0 because it's gotten a lot of praiseful Thinkpieces already..

on the other hand, ive already put a lot of time, thought and reading into it, and i feel like there are things i want to say about it that havent really been dug into much. i think it deserves not just to be praised but also interrogated. not necessarily in a hostile way (though some games deserve to be hostilely interrogated), just..in a way that engages deeply with its meanings and structures. yeah, we can agree capitalism is bad and corporations are fucked and that solidarity is important...but how is that communicated, what exactly is the vision of solidarity in this game, and is it what we agree we should be striving toward?

at least if i write something theres a lot of ground that i don't have to cover, re: its anticapitalist overtones, since others have already done that work. maybe i'll try to make something more lyrical/ fragmented/unpolished...this isnt something i want to spend five months on like my last essay, and i have a feeling this would be a difficult essay to structure more rigidly anyway.

anyway, today was a nice day..i mean, it kind of sucked / my brain wasnt exactly pumping out serotonin, but at least the weather was nice and i got my grocery shopping and laundry done.

and i got to squeeze in an hour of even the ocean! i really love that game, it bums me out that its gotten so much less love than anodyne. its so beautiful and intimate and [i hate using this word but] human. im excited to play it more this week.

[lotusrootrecords]

saw a friend tonight for the first time in a while, which was really nice!

i'm so tired though. i can't believe i ever used to stay up til 3 or 4 consistently. having a job really changed me, huh..

excited to play and maybe stream some games this weekend. my queue rn is remnants (by juneflowa), her lullaby & facets (john thyer), and continuing even the ocean (analgesic prod.) if i have time. i also think dragon quest v and paper mario ttyd would be fun to stream, but they're not as much a priority.

i want to post more pictures too. ive been taking so few pictures recently, maybe because i keep going to and from the same places every day. but at lesst i can post pics when i cook or bake or get some game work done.

okay my fingers are cold (i'm walking home). thanks for reading hehe

[lotusrootrecords]

i watched the glass beach documentary today and i'm falling in love all over again with this album. this song has always been one of my favorites. i love the starkness of the opening, and then the loping guitar line, and the hypnotic repetition of the lines as the crescendo builds. it always feels kinda silly to talk about music as itself or break down the sonic components of it. but i don't really know how to describe the place this music takes me either. it's so full of longing. it also feels really virtual, like i'm standing in this weird simulated space watching the orange sun set over a river.

i dunno. i love this album though. it covers such a wide range of emotional and sonic territory and all the melodies are so good. i really need to make music in my spare time.

[lotusrootrecords]

i made this tumblr months ago but this is my first post. i guess i wanted to use this as a virtual journal space (like my high school tumblr, since deleted) to talk out loud about stuff and leave my wordpress as a place for more focused videogame writing.

i haven't really set aside the time to journal though, but it's a practice i want to cultivate. i like blogs. i like reading other people's blogs. i'm on twitter a lot, but twitter doesn't really allow for the kind of writing sharing or engaging that i find sustaining. i mean no one follows me on here but that's fine, if someone stumbles onto this page and reads anything here and finds it helpful or entertaining or comforting in any way then i'm happy.