louonherown

[louonherown]

Spring

After 2 long weeks of sunshine, it started to rain last night, and I enjoyed it. Spring is here, which means the weather is not cold at least. I wore a shirt with a cardigan today, I can still feel the cool breeze surrounding my waist. Mild, gentle raindrops occasionally rest on my arms, it reminds me of my hometown. I came from a place with exactly the opposite weather as London. Normally, rainy days in London are violent, with heavy winds, it's just like god spitting on you with no mercy. But very rarely, rain becomes mild when spring comes, and it feels like the rain back in my home. I don't like most of the things at home, but feeling something familiar still makes me happy.

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Adolescence

I just finished Adolescence yesterday, and watching the show is harrowing for me. It's not how horrible the kid (main character Jamie) is, not how tragic the story that a girl died, but the fact that everything in the show is just so normal to me. A normal school, a normal family, a normal community, nothing seems wrong. But maybe everything is wrong.

I am surprised at how I can see every character in the people I know around me. I have a similar family as Jamie does, except that I am the only child. My parents are still happily married, I think they love me and provide for me as much as they can. My dad sometimes gets angry as well, but unlike Jamie's father, he never apologises - high self-esteem, I supposed. Dad is the one in charge of the family, while my mom is quite dependent on him. My mom is the kind of person who considers marrying my father and having me is the most blessed thing ever to happen to her. Except for the family, she has no passion for anything, no hobbies or interests. I am always jealous of those people who see their mother as a hero or a role model, but all I think about is not being like her. My grandfather is the one who has anger issues. He is the youngest son in his family, and he is the first person to go to university in the whole family. As a result, he becomes very controlling sometimes. When I was a kid living at his home, he made so many rules for me on when to wake up, how to eat my breakfast, how to wash my hands, etc. When I was a kid, I would argue with him all the time, but then I felt guilty because I thought I was very disrespectful to start a fight with the elder. It was only when I grew up and went back to live with him once during the holiday that I realised it was not me who had problems. It was only him being controlling and can not control his emotions. I was devastated when I figured out about this.

Now, it all makes sense. Growing up, I was always told to be grateful and considerate to my family. Everything is good in the family, they love me, they support me, and I think they did better than many other households. But why do I still feel the strong urge to leave home, and I did in the end. For a very long time, I didn't understand why I wanted to leave, but now I do. At least now I have a reason to think it's not my fault.

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How to be confident and positive

I am sick and sad today but now I have decided to write something about positivity!

I went back home to China earlier this year, and I just realised how much I have changed these two years living abroad. I become more confident and outgoing. Back in high school, I am this emo kid that has serious social anxiety. I used to write pretentious sentimental lines all over my dairies and postcards I collected. Wearing headphones at school all day to avoid conversations. Sneak out from school on weekends just to be alone. But right now, I can talk to strangers very easily, and starting a conversation has even become my thing. (I know it's simple, but for me, it's a huge progress) I am more at ease with everything now, maybe because I grew old, or maybe I am happier now. It is amazing that when you are in a healthy state of mind, everything will also go the right way. My friends and my parents all told me that I've changed for the better now.

My friends also help me a lot with positivity. I spend time with some old friends back home this time, they are all so loving and supportive. Some of them even write me sweet love notes. And the new friends I made in the UK, are all incredible! They always give me compliments and remind me of how amazing a person I am. I am just so happy every time I think of them;)

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Barbican

Barbican is absolutely my happy place in London. I first visited here during summer, they have this big balcony with a green pond. You can sit near the pond with your friends or loved ones, enjoying a beer, or sharing a pizza.

There are so many things you can do here! I went on an architecture tour here to learn about the buildings and community here. I visited here several times to watch a movie, quite a new theatre with rather cheap prices. They also have open-air screenings in the summer. I haven't watched a play here but they have a big theatre. They have a beautiful botanic garden on the top of the building! In summer, you can enjoy a drink with all the cute plants surrouding you, it is so romantic.

I came here today for the library actually. I signed up their membership here because I don't have money to buy actual books haha. It is Saturday today and this place is packed. There are artists preparing for their performance (maybe later tonight?) in the middle of the centre, there are people working/studying using the table they provided. Actually I am using one of them right now. I even saw a buch of young people playing pokers around a table! I figure they are some kind of a poker club in some uni, but that seems absolutely fun! Back to the library, I asked for a help when I am signing up for my member card and also trying to find a book, and the staff there is sooooo nice to me. I am about to cry btw. He is so effeciently - all we Chinese care about, and also with such nice attitude. Ah I just love that guy. And i didn't expect there are more things to do in a library. A small exhibition about "emo/Y2K" stuff is on, with photos about emo people having overly long hairs and too many piercings. Right next to the exhibition, there are 2 keyboards for people to practice. Of course, the people using them are wearing wire earphones so no need to worry about the noice. You can hear the noice of them smashing the keyboards tho. And then when I am struggling to find what book to read, a little girl came up to me and say hi with me. And then she ran away saying "I love her hair color, I always like red!" Everything is just so random and I love it.

Now I am just siting in one of the table in the Barbican centre, typing random happiness about this. Occationally looks up and starring at the cute guy sitting accrose the table. While, there always should be a imaginary meet-cute in the library, right?

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Nothing goes as planned

I had my graduation last week. I've already rehearsed so many times in my head about what my graduation would be like. I will reunite with friends, kiss my lover, receive my awards on stage and then do a really big smile on the camera. Well, some did happen but most did not.

Meeting with friends is definitely the best thing, many of them I haven't seen for a while! But the sad thing is that I don't have much time to talk to all of them. I also met some people that I knew before, especially those familiar faces at the art centre. But I dare to say they don't even recognise me (maybe because I am Asian) or maybe they just don't dare to say hi to me.

I was so exhausted that day but also feel like I did nothing. When I was on my way back home, I felt so empty and just wanted to cry. Then I think of the mother of Boyhood and what she said in the movie. I don't remember the exact lines but she said she expected more of her life but found out that's it. That is exactly what I feel about graduating. It feels like a very important part of my life has finished but I still don't know what's next. Maybe I will never overpeak this part of my life. What if that's it. That's all I will have. I will never have more friends, I will never experience love, and I will not have any goals to achieve. I feel so helpless when I am thinking about this.

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It's a wrapped!

2023 is almost over, and I finally have some time to write. I feel a bit sad when I look back to the past year, not because of regrets or anything, but it's because I had quite an amazing year and I don't want to let go.

I completed my master's degree this year, I wrote the dissertation that I have longed to and I got a distinction. I found a job to keep me staying in the UK before graduation. I travelled to several places this year and went to see a lot of films at the Cannes Festival and LFF. I made friends, I started dating.

2023 is wonderful and I wish for another year full of surprises and challenges like this.

[louonherown]

cannes cannes cannes

Yes, I am procrastinating on my essay again! A lot of things going on these days. One of the biggest things is that I am going to the Cannes film festival next week! I didn't know this is happening until this week coz I apply for the press accreditation but it took it so long to get passed. And now I am way too excited and overwhelmed.

This is my first time going to Cannes and I am representing a media press? This is crazy. Although I am a movie fan my knowledge of films is definitely not enough! Thinking I might really get a chance to interview some of the famous directors makes me literally wanna vomit (let's hope that will not happen).

Also, I have one essay and one interview coming up this is not ok at all!.

Fingers crossed I can successfully get through this.

[louonherown]

Fortunately

I was talking to one of my classmates/friends Arsh the other day. We actually just started to get to know each other. She asked me if I have a boyfriend and I said no. Then I asked her back, and she answered, "fortunately" no! I felt so surprised (but secretly grateful) when she said that. The thing is, I used to surround by single girlfriends who live their independent life thus need no man. However, most of my new friends here have a boyfriend or are very passionate about getting into a relationship. Sometimes I am convinced by them and feel urged to find a partner, too. But in fact, there's nothing wrong with my happy single life. It's not that I don't want to be in an intimate relationship, but I shouldn't make it my obsession. I am just happy to meet someone that is not obsessed with men or a relationship like I do.

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writing

Good news, I start to write again. I get so hyped every time I am writing music reviews. It's one of the best things I can do.

[louonherown]

Business students

ok I have a mean opinion.

Business students are so UNHOT!

Don't get me wrong. Is studying business a good idea? Probably yes, good potentials, nice job opportunities, earning big money. But is it a cool subject to take? Absolutely not! Business school students are always portrait as a selfish, cunning person only wants to make a lot of money. But if you are a literature student, you are just chasing your dream.

The uni I am going to right now has a very strong business school and that means a lot of business students. So many times when people ask me what my major is, they somehow feel release to find out that I am not a finance/accounting student. "Oh, finally there's a non-finance student here." At least three people said the same thing to me. To be honest, I was secretly delighted when I hear that. I was a marketing student once and that is rebel enough to a Chinese family. Now I change my major to media and that's what I truly wants to study, how cool is that!

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what?

ok here's the thing. One of my friends found out she got covid right after we met and had lunch together today, which is already insane. And now she's coming to tomorrow's party with the girls? excuse me? I never get covid (hope I won't this time either) so I have to avoid attending the party because she's sick and try to pass it to everyone. I just can't believe she is that irresponsible!

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Clémence

I went to Paris and met with Clémence last week.

We were roommates when I lived in Shanghai for the first time in 2021. We had a horrible landlord who eventually kicked us out of the room for no reason. But we also had a chance to become familiar with each other because of that. At that time I was struggling with my grad school applications and decided to take a gap year. We both sleep very late (she sleeps later than me tho) so our conversations mostly happened after midnight. We talked a lot about our future plans, daily life and sometimes movies, too. Even after we moved out, we still sometimes met and studied together. Weirdly Clémence could always find the coolest/cheap places to stay after midnight, hotel lobbies, cafes in an old building. And she is the person that makes me fall in love with riding bicycles in the city, especially at night when no one is on the street and you ride as fast as you can to feel the summer breeze. Maybe it's because Clémence is from France? Being with her just romanticizes everything, I mean walking on the street in the middle of the night? No one did that in China, or not anywhere, it just happen in the movie scenes. Unless you are with Clémence.

So I went on a solo trip to Paris last week and Clémence went back to Paris after the Shanghai lockdown. And we had the exact same experience as when we were in Shanghai, but better because we were in Paris.

We finished our dinner at midnight (hello? Do Parisians usually eat that late?). And we begin walking around the city by the Seine river, just like in the Woody Allen movie hello? It was late but some people were still awake, young teenagers taking over the river cruises and partying, lovers sharing a cigarette outside a restaurant and in the restaurant, people were drinking and chatting. What we loved the most is that we saw a window with dim yellow lights on, and there was one person writing on the windowsill. We peeked into his room and it was such a cosy beautiful room! Books on the shelf, beautiful paintings on the wall, nothing fancy decorations in the room but there's no need, the Seine river across the window is the best decor you can have! Both Clémence and I fell in love with this little house so much and we just secretly stared at it for a long time.

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The Art Centre

I've been doing a volunteer job for the art centre for a couple of months and so far it is one of the best jobs I ever had. The art centre is located in the university but most of the audience are people living nearby. Basically, I am doing what the stewards do but with less responsibility. I get to see a lot of free shows, mostly films, and sometimes theatre plays, orchestras, comedy shows, etc.

Doing the cinema shift is my favourite. I get to see many good films in the art centre (the cinema has more art films/indie films than other cinemas and I love it). The best part is greeting the audience after the film because I get to see everyone's emotions or reactions to the movie. Some of them will even come up to you and talk about their feelings about the film! I still remember a guy coming up to me making a funny face and "complaining" about how nasty the film is - it was Bones and All on screen that day.

Except for all the kind audience, the staff in the art centre is so friendly, too! Not sure if it's because we are working in an art organisation, but most of the people here are more introverted? but very easy to talk to. I had quality conversations with most of the stewards I met. I like that our conversations always involve the question "which movie is your favourite you watched here", it is even written on our cloakroom board! Btw my answer always goes to Aftersun, and I can somehow guess others' personalities based on their bias. It's such an interesting question to ask.

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Big Cities

I just realized that only those people living in a big city will have a specific name. New Yorker, Londoner, Parisian, Shanghainese......

So I was travelling to Paris last weekend and I met this guy in the hostel. As soon as he talks, I can tell that he is an American. And then he started talking about how he was so sick of New York and trying to move to Paris, calling his country "the states", he also talked about how he hated the whole education system so he didn't go to college. I never met a single person from the US but I am so surprised that this guy checked all my boxes of being a typical American. Before, I thought they only talk that way in the movies! I am awed by his confidence and he seems so privileged to me. In my country people "die" for universities because this is the only way they can get a job someday. We don't explore the world and then move to a random city because a. visa is fxcking hard to get, b. we don't have that money. When the guy was talking, I was totally not in the mood, rolling my eyes deep down in my heart. But after all, what can be blamed for, is not his or my fault to be born in different countries. I just never felt so distant from another person in my entire life.

[louonherown]

I had a dream today

The dream is basically about me and my mom arguing over the topic of marriage/having kids, very basic stuff that we will actually argue about in real life. As I enter my middle 20s, finding a job and finding a boyfriend is what my mom talked about non-stop. Although she always said that she was not putting stress on me, it was just a kind reminder (I know she intended to do so, she just want to make herself look good). At first, I didn't care that much but soon after that I got annoyed and started to argue back.

I do not hate marriage (at least not that much), I just hate the fact that I have to listen to other people's opinions on my own life decisions. And the fact that she always ignored my happiness for the meaningless "life purpose" struck in her mind.

I used to phone my mother every day when I was not at home, and it always felt exhausting. I saw her as my friend and tell her about my life and thoughts but she was always off-point. I tried so hard to argue with her, hoping one day she would finally relate to me or whatever, but it didn't work out anyway.

Now I just stop talking to her that often. And when we did talk, I will stop the conversation as soon as we started to argue the same damn thing. To be honest, I never felt so peaceful. I know this is cruel to my mom. I used to struggle a lot between my own will and my family's. I always feel responsible to take care of my family not only financially but also emotionally. However, realizing they should have their own life/life purpose instead of depending on me and the fact that they will not be accompanying (physically) me for the rest of my life has made me change my mind. I know I should take care of my family. But before that, I should take care of myself.

[louonherown]

first the foremost, Lou on her own

I was stalking my high school friend Emily (I hope we are still friends) on the Internet yesterday and found a blog created by an exchange student and he was writing about his life in China almost 8 years ago. It is so enjoyable to read, the guy talked about many culture shocks he experienced and his thoughts. So I think since I am the "exchange" student now, in the UK, I can also write something about my life right now. I also have blogs and write staff in Chinese but never write much in English so I think it will be FUN! yeah!

Anyway, I am going to cook and take a nap and then write my essay! Hopefully will post later.