loveall-serveall

[loveall-serveall]

Once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return.

Leonardo Da Vinci (via passport-life)

[loveall-serveall]

Welcome Home

I have been avoiding writing this post for as long as I can remember. I never wanted to come to terms with it, but I was emotionally abused. Those two words are something I never wanted to really say or put out there, because I didn’t want to talk badly about someone I loved, but the truth is, who I loved, deserves to be called an emotional abuser. The fact I never wanted to use the word abuse when talking about him, hurts me even more because there were no boundaries with the words he spoke to me and about me to others. I gave my all to someone who tore me down. I have never been at such a rock bottom as I was for the first year and half of college. When my mom asked me why I was so insecure, I had a hard time understanding. Im a decent looking girl, I have a good personality, and a mindset that I admire. But if I thought higher of myself, why was I letting someone constantly degrade me? why was I letting someone use my darkest secrets against me? why was I allowing this boy to manipulate, yell, and continually push me to the bottom? I thought it was love. It still takes me every day to get his words out of my head. I was fat, stupid, no wonder my father left me, just a girl with daddy issues, if I had died, you would walk around with a smile on your face knowing that some whore wasn’t walking around campus anymore, that it should have been me that passed in that wreck because I got out of my final which I had failed late, and no longer wanted to go out that night. You loved me because you were able to use me. I gave you rides, made you seem cool to your friends, and I know for a fact, the best sex you will ever have. These are only some of the things I can think off the top of my head, and I do not want to dig any deeper, because I have repressed a lot of these memories. What makes me even more sad to think about is how I continually begged for your love. I woke up everyday craving the love and affection of someone who told me they wish I were dead. Why would I do that? I thought I could change you, I thought I was special enough for you, I thought that if you loved me, I have succeeded. I no longer even want to say that I know you loved me deep down, because no one who loves someone continually degrades them.  There were many nights I stayed up and wondered if you couldn’t love me, who could? You knew me better than anyone, and I had done everything I could possibly imagine for you, and it wasn’t enough. It took me a long time, and even still some days to know that I was enough. It was you who wasn’t enough. You were not deserving of my heart. A heart that would take care of my worst enemy. The day I realized things were really over, I didn’t know how to feel .You told me you slept with my old roommate to get back at me. I have never felt heartbreak like I did that day. The anger that overcame my entire body, terrified me. I never wanted to see myself like that again or allow someone to have that much control over my emotions. Even though at the time it was the worst day, I realized it is now the best. I could deal with the verbal abuse, but knowing you had shared that same intimate connection we had with someone I thought was a friend, disgusted me. I never wanted to touch you again. Now I realize what a blessing this was because I had reason to never go back. Since that day, my life has taken a turn for the better. Not just the better, but beyond my wildest dreams. I have traveled across the country multiple times, I have the best friends I could ever imagine, I’ve not only attended the concerts of my favorite artist, but befriended them as well. I finally feel free. There are times you come crawling back in my head, and even sometimes my inbox, and it takes me a step or two back. I have to remind myself of the reality of the relationship The goods didn’t even come close to outweighing the bads. I will once feel that comfort again that I had laying on your chest, or that feeling of being in your arms, I will find someone who I feel comfortable with telling all my secrets knowing they wont use them against me, I will laugh til Im in tears with someone else, someone else will be part of the reason I smile every morning. Sometimes I feel like I am unable to love again, but I know I will be. The love I feel for my friends, the music, my family, and strangers gives me the confidence that will be able to love another as a significant other. I am not looking for anyone, because looking will lead to settling. I’m building my confidence, feeling good about myself, doing what I love, and the right person will eventually fall into all of this. It would be nice to have someone to sleep next to at night, but it would be even nicer to have someone that is worth it. I want the next guy to be intimidated. I want him to know I am someone who loves myself too much to let someone walk all over me, push me down, and take advantage of me. I want him to fear how confident I am, and feel like he really needs to impress me. I want him to do just that, figure out ways to get my attention because he feels that I am worth it. Maybe I will find this person next week, or maybe when I;m 50. For now, I am going to keep waking up everyday with a smile on my face because I feel good about myself and the love I have for this life I live. One door closed, and another 1000 opened with experiences and people I couldn’t dream up. My friends kind of know what I went through. They know the basics of what happened, but I could never find the courage to tell them the full truth knowing that I would more than likely get back with him. As I said in the beginning, I struggled with the word ‘abuse.’ I feel like I would sound like a victim, but now I have come to term with the fact I am a survivor. For a long time I had regret for getting myself involved with someone so evil, but I have now felt thankful. I am a stronger person now. I will never let someone treat me so poorly again. I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason, and even though they were the worst years of my life, it has led me to be right where I am right now. I have learned that being thankful for the things you didn’t even ask for, will lead to a healthier life. It is comforting knowing that everything has fallen into place for a reason and I am exactly where I am supposed to be, with who I am supposed to be, when I am supposed to be in every moment of my life. One of the first times I had opened up to a complete stranger at my favorite festival, on one of the best nights of my life, he had opened his arms and said ‘welcome home.’ and thats exactly where I feel like I am at in my life, home. The energy and love that I felt that night gave me a feeling I could never explain. Tears streamed down my face because for the first time, I knew everything was right. Every thought of the bad relationship had disappeared, and I knew that my life would continue to be filled with love, light, and strangers turning into family. I still struggle almost daily, but I know I am heading in the right direction. This struggle makes me who I am, and I love who I am now and will continue to fall in love with myself. I know many might not read this, but if you do, and you have gone through the same thing, I am always here to talk. I am proof that you can move on from something you thought you would never get out of. I woke up a lot of mornings wondering what fight we would get into today, or if today would be the day you would change. I had accepted the fact that I was going to be stuck in this cycle of a few hours of great, many many hours of yelling, and days of not speaking until I would beg for you to talk to me and I would change. I am out of this cycle though. I have left this cycle and driven across the country twice, gone to California about 6 times, had some of my favorite artist tell me they have a crush on me. I promise you things do get better. It takes time and a lot of of it, but it is a cycle that can be broken. 

[loveall-serveall]

Be with someone who wants to invest in you, learn from you, see you win, support your visions & fall in love with you daily.

(via words-of-emotion)

  (via words-of-emotion)

[loveall-serveall]

[loveall-serveall]

okeechobee 2016!!

[loveall-serveall]

1. push yourself to get up before the rest of the world - start with 7am, then 6am, then 5:30am. go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sun rise. 2. push yourself to fall asleep earlier - start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable. 3. get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else. 4. stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything. 5. buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice. 6. buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small. 7. strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full. 8. organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle. 9. have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck. 10. push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog. 11. message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through. 13. think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything. 14. become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends. 15. lie in the sunshine. daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. open your eyes. take small steps to make it happen for you.

(via elauxe)

A self care list. I’ve been working on this. I promise it’s worth it.

(via oldwitch)

[loveall-serveall]

[loveall-serveall]

grown ho tips

exfoliate your face once a week

moisturize with shea butter

have sex or masturbate

listen to music

go to bed in a loose shirt without pants

tell yourself you a beautiful ho

repeat that shit 

[loveall-serveall]

A secret to happiness is letting every situation be what it is instead of what you think it should be, and then making the best of it.

- unknown (via quotelounge)

[loveall-serveall]

WHY IS OUR WORLD SO SAD SOMETIMES I WISH EVERYONE COULD JUST BE NICE & LOVE EACH OTHER & ITS SAD HOW UNREALISTIC OF A CONCEPT THAT IS BECAUSE IT TRULY ISNT HARD {pray for paris}

[loveall-serveall]

You will fall in love with someone who’s cold and always seemingly pushing you away. When all is said and done, they will be forever known as the one person you couldn’t get to love you. Unfortunately, it will hurt and sting worse than the good ones, the ones that chopped up your meat for you and picked out an eyelash from your eye and were nice to your mother, because love often feels like a game we need to win. And when we lose, when we realize we couldn’t get what we ultimately desired from a person, it makes us feel like a failure and erases all the memories of those who loved us in the past.

The People You Will Fall in Love With in Your 20s (Ryan O'Connell)

[loveall-serveall]

Every day, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others; to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can.

Dalai Lama (via purplebuddhaproject)

[loveall-serveall]

[loveall-serveall]

FrendShip Sessions - Nahko and Mihali

[loveall-serveall]

[loveall-serveall]

I no longer miss you and it's amazing

[loveall-serveall]