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[lovecomesin]

30 Days Until 31: Part 2

I trust God. I trust myself. I trust this journey. So here I am a 30 year old woman, 38 days from her 31st birthday full of happiness, love and joy. I love my life. I enjoy where work. I work closer to home which was a necessity for me that the good Lord has provided. I have been successfully living in my gorgeous two story house for 3 years and I love every moment of being a homeowner. I have been a dog mom to my amazing 2 year old puppy Jagger Jack Walker and I love his and I relationship, even when he’s being a bad boy lol. I enjoy being single and not having to worry about giving portions of myself to anyone for the time being. For so long I have people pleased, overextended myself, and tolerated way more than I deserve and I can successfully say that I no longer live my life in that way. I am pleasantly selfish with my time, my love and my energy. All of those very attributes are my forms of power and I cannot relinquish my power to just anyone. I welcome the beauty of the unknown into my life and the promise of tomorrow in my spirit. I ask that God continue to lead me all the days of my life so that I may live a life that is pleasing to him and happiest for me. I chose love and it is with that choice that I love all person from my present, my past and my future. I release myself from thoughts, past scenarios, people and spaces that I longer exist in. I welcome all that the Lord wills for me. I rebuke defeated spirits, wickedness and evil. I speak my success into the atmosphere. I praise God in advance. I thank God for all he has done and all he will do. I feel so free yet also so full and fulfilled its so new yet intoxicating. Ebony, I am so proud of you my love. You have singlehandedly survived 100% of everything you have been through. Praise God! You have this ability to keep going, to keep setting goals and reaching them. Your resilience and ability to see the good in people and situations is what makes you. Never regret being who you are. Never regret loving others past their time. Never regret leaving spaces that you no longer felt safe and happy in. Never regret choosing yourself. It was that very choice that led you to the wonder life you have now. I am happy for you. I pray that God sends you romantic love that you have never known where it is true, safe and beautiful. I trust that is will come to past. Your journey is proof that you can and will keep going. I love you Ebony. This unique journey is mine and I look forward with glee to continue romanticizing my life. I’ll be certain to write to keep you updated…until then laters baby.

[lovecomesin]

30 Days Until 31: Part 1

Life has been so good. I told you I would write more and in an attempt to be a woman of my word, here I am. Just last week I paid a deposit for my birthday trip and I’ll admit I was truly contemplating whether or not I should celebrate myself this year. Last year was my 30th birthday and I took time off but I stayed home with Jagger watching tv and drinking wine- which was proper lovely by the way lol. But this year I want to do something I’ve never done before and add a familiar twist to it. I will be going back to Mexico at an all-inclusive resort, booked by my travel agent Kendra all by myself lol. I’m used to traveling alone within the states but this will be my first travel outside the country solo. I’ll admit I am a bit nervous because I do want to be safe but I also want to celebrate myself fully and properly. I will more than likely stay on the resort and only leave for the xcaret excursion but who knows. Lately I have been making it my business to love on people while I can while also keeping it organic. It’s been truly wonderful. I only have healthy amazing relationships in my life and it’s the life I’ve always deserved. I’m continuing to double down on ensuring I don’t put myself in spaces, situation or relationships that I have deemed inappropriate for me. I’m tired of denying myself the things I really want. No more. I will continue to get the things I want in this life should God see fit. It’s my time. I’ve been working on navigating my adult life by getting back to things that make me happy: nature walks, working out, time with my family and friends, traveling, art and music. Redefining what adulthood looks and feels like for me has been a beautiful journey. I have faith that the good Lord will continue to supply all my needs and desires. I trust in Him explicitly. I keep telling myself I will go out and get to know more people and I will. I want to go to places near my home first since I haven’t fully divulged in everything my city has to offer. I also haven’t found a church home yet and I really want to go back to church. I want to experience true love with a man that I feel safe enough to be intimate and open ourselves to a new world of possibilities. I don’t see the need to compare where I am to where anyone else is because all that I have the Lord has provided and his timing has been superb thus far. I trust the process and my journey specifically. More importantly I trust God and myself. The life I thought I was supposed to be living is completely different than the one I am living currently. If you would have told me I would not be in communication with a number of individuals who are friend and family alike I wouldn’t have believed it. And yet here I stand. Strong, proud, happy, healthy, blessed and at peace. I’m making a vow to commit to myself under any circumstances. At the end of the day I am my own individual self. No one can hold my hand to get me into Heaven just as no one can step into my shoes. The other day I read a quote on twitter about how I used to imagine how my life would be- boyfriend, marriage, grandkids etc. and how it is now time to reimagine life as it truly is: me and a single adult woman. It is important to me to be able to just be right in the moment exactly where I am and enjoy every moment of that placement. So while I would love the opportunity to be in a loving and healthy relationship and I can easily picture that lifestyle for myself. It gets to a point where I cannot continue to live within the fantasy of it all. These days I picture my future alone. It can be painful to picture my future alone but right now it’s all I got. I want to feel safe and nothing is more painful than what I’ve already been through. I trust myself to be able to desire things but not allow those very things to cloud my judgement and make me naive. I’m making it my business to trust myself implicitly. I know my power. I know I am more than capable. I know I am blessed and highly favored. The peace and joy that I have found is well deserved and now one of my most vital necessities of life.

[lovecomesin]

Happy 13th Birthday to my virtual diary. Thank you for always being the there for whenever I needed you. I will love you always, until forever ends.

[lovecomesin]

To Me, From Me With Love Part 2

I was aware that I wasn’t happy but I wasn’t aware just how contempt I the entire situation was. When I care for people I naturally go hard for them and everything they stand for. It is past my time to finally be able to receive the same. I want better lovers, better friends and better relationships. And I shall have it. I trust that the Lord God will continue to supply all my needs and desires just as he has always done. I am grateful for my journey and I type this message with pride, happiness and love in my heart. No love lost, no hate, just indifference. I wish nothing but the best to any and all persons who ever hurt me, disrespected me, as an old friend, was an old lover etc. I forgive it all. I especially forgive myself for even allowing such things to persist as long as I did. I’ll admit, trauma, no matter how big or small has a way to warp your brain into believing all sorts of situations to be true, well and good. I’ve learned to continue to trust in my God and myself. I know for a fact that I am capable to making amazing decisions in tough situations as well as any situations. I cannot let any human, no matter how deeply I care for them to ever come in between the relationship I have with myself. Without self- love I am worthless. Without self- love I can and most likely will allow the most grotesque behaviors around me. Growing up I could see and feel the trauma of my family. So much hurt that never healed and so much pain you could feel and see their misery. I never want a life like that for myself. I do not wish to live a life that resembles my old life. It wasn’t that I was unhappy or miserable in my old life because that is also not true. I was happy, I had lots of moments of enjoyment. That life just no longer serves me and that is okay. Growth is a beautiful thing and this journey is specific to me. I am excited for what’s to come. New love, more relationships, traveling ,happiness and a closer relationship with myself and God. This is my life. My beautiful and unique story. I believe God allowed all this to happen because he wanted to me to come back to him and myself. I didn’t let myself realize how far I had gotten and continued on a familiar path. The better journey is right where I am now. It may be uncertain, and filled with many possibilities but that’s also what makes it beautiful. The beautiful unknown is a blank canvas for me to create whatever life I desire with God as my forefront. Ebony when you finally decide to come back and read this I want you to know that I love you and will always be proud and happy for you. You have such a kind heart and is filled with so much passion it could fill up many cups. Remember, always fill your cup first. It is not selfish to choose yourself. To live you must chose yourself. Congratulations for not allowing this world or the people of this world to change who I am at the core. Congratulations for healing and being able to say you made it out of the storm. Congratulations for learning who you are now. Congratulations for learning to truly love myself. Congratulations for learning to set boundaries and be resilient enough to not accept anything less regardless of the situation. It is a honor to be you and it a pleasure to be writing with you now. I pray that you continue to live a life that you can be proud, happy, in love and at peace with. I pray that all your dreams become reality. I pray for your health, I pray for your family and I pray for you Ebony. I want to make it my business to continue to write in life whether it’s good, bad or ugly because in one way or another it’s all my life. Until next time, laters baby.

[lovecomesin]

To Me, From Me With Love Part 1

I told myself I would start journaling just for journaling sake and I’ll be the first to say, I fell off lol. Life has been perfect. Life has been beautiful. Life has been peaceful. As I type I can literally feel the confirmation of every single word. It such a blessing to be here in this exact moment. I remember the nights I prayed and wrote of my incessant desire to be free of the people I loved that didn’t love me in the way I wanted or needed, I remember the pain that followed from me realizing the nature of my unhealthy environments and not yet being strong enough to stand up for myself. I have no shame for that version of myself. I only have grace, love and respect for my ability to persist. On the other hand, I have to acknowledge that I wasnt loving and standing up for myself in the way that I needed or quite frankly deserved. Two things can be at once. One of the hardest tasks of my adult age was to let go of all my unhealthy attachments whether it was lovers, friends, ways of thinking, behavior etc. I wasn’t quite ready to put childish things away. It’s something I have always done since I was a child and I realized there was no sustainable way to bring that thought process back into my life. I used to allow people to come and go in my life as they wish. Even though my preference is to communicate in that moment, remain loyal and present I still settled for love and friendships that were not aligned with me. I thought if I separated myself from all that had learned as a child and made my own way that I would be better off. I repeat, two things can be true at once. While I didn’t have to follow the norm and get married young and stay in my religiously strict upbringing I definably find solace and peace in those very core values till this day. The truth is I couldn’t become who I really wanted to be and live the life I always wanted and deserves because I held myself back. I always know exactly who people are. My obsessive compulsive nature ensure that. I just allow people’s bad behavior to go uncheck and chalk it up to basic human error, giving so much grace because I wasn’t given the same as a child, not judging others because I was judge and most importantly not wanting to accept that fact that I have consistently allowed a toxic relationship to persist. I assumed my love had no expiration because of the love I have experienced. I was overly understanding of others while simultaneously not taking the time to understand myself. Those days have been over for years. I can look back and talk about it so casually because I have taken the time to feel disgusted with myself for what I allowed in the past, I have felt the constant pangs on loneliness and craving my old life not because it’s the life I want but because its familiar. I know who I am and what I deserve. I know now that I played a big factor in the nature of my relationships. Just as I know the only way it would stop was me. I have witness my power more than once. I wanted to be a ballerina and I did. I wanted to speak publicly during programs and I did. go to SSU and I did. I wanted to graduate in 4 years and I did. I wanted a car and I got one. I wanted to travel and I do. I wanted a house and I have that and so much more. It’s so much more than the material things. The life I was living before 100% did not serve me. I’ve seen how big of an injustice it is to yourself to allow people to deliberately hurt you. No more. I am proud of myself for the ability to always manifest my dreams into a reality. I am proud of my strength for even being able to leave my old life to work the steps to creating a new life. I am proud of myself for not taking the easy route and going back to the very people I fought so hard to get away from. I am proud of myself for not accepting any one back into my life simply because they finally reached out. The biggest lesson I learned was “people can only do to me what I allow”. I’ve heard the saying before but it never really registered until it was time for me to let go of my old life.

[lovecomesin]

Freed From Within (Part 2)

There are moments when I almost want to shrink back into that small version of myself that just went with the flow to avoid conflicts and to people please but I am no longer in a position where I can tolerate such behaviors. I have allowed and been an active participate for far too long to people and situations that no longer suit me. I can no longer allow it. I won’t. I must be the one to show others how to treat me. One thing I know without a shallow of a doubt is that I am a good person and I have no ill intent towards anyone. And precisely because I am a giver, a lover, a sensitive, and a woman I have to use better discernment to guard myself against those who seek out to do me harm whether its emotionally, mentally, financially etc. I forgive and all person who have ever caused me pain, stress or sadness. I release myself from all negative feelings that followed alongside my many attempts to salvage those relationships. I forgive myself for loving others more than I loved myself which ultimately put me in the position. I open myself to all new possibilities of the life I want to live solely for myself. I am proud of myself for being able to put childish things away and stand in my own truth so that I can move forward on my terms and no one else’s. There are moments when I feel like I’m being mean but it’s not that I’m being mean I’m finally doing as a please without attempting to people please as I have always done. I want it to be know that I do not wish to rekindle any of the relationships I have discontinued in the slightest. The apprehension that I feel is solely because it’s a new experience that feels foreign but also very pleasing so I continue to move forward. The easiest thing to do would be to go back to all the things that I fought so hard to separate from. The real challenge is remaining true to myself, my God and the life I want to live with Him as my forefront. I have always been capable. My God willed it so. My God gave me a beautiful mind to think critically and analytically and a beautiful heart that chooses love and light over hate and darkness. I know in my heart that better will continue to come because I am already in the beautiful fruits of my labor. I am happy. I am healthy. I am blessed. I am love. In this life I cannot control anyone but what I choose and accept. Owning that power and maximizing what comes from it is what has saved me thus far and will continue to do so. I know I won’t encounter any relationships even seemingly similar to what I’ve experienced in the past because I won’t allow it. It’s gotten to a point where unhealthy connections, whether its people or things are drastically intolerable. I don’t live my life the way I used to. It didn’t serve me then and it most definitely wont serve me now. This journey starte with me one way or another. I didn’t know at the time that me wanting to live on my own would separate me from so many. Nor did I know that by remaining true to myself and what I want would lead me the freedom that I have found. A life curated and created by my God and my personal abilities. What a blessing it is to be here! I freed myself from within without even realizing how shackled I was. I could feel it more than I could see and now I am shackled no longer. I am free and I will continue to be.

Until next time, laters baby.

[lovecomesin]

Freed from Within (Part 1)

It took me a while but here I am, healed, happy and healthy. I no longer wish to be in spaces that I deemed myself unworthy of. Nor do I desire to backtrack on any of my past relationships, friendships included. I AM FREE. Technically, I’ve always been free but I wasn’t in a position to where I could see it. Based on circumstances that I have and may never know, circumstances of my childhood upbringing that lead ,e to people please and remain united with my and all forms of attachments including the toxic attachments, the circumstances of wanting to venture on my own as a teenager while keeping everything a secret from my parents due to fear of judgment, finally leaving their home in college and being so desperate to break out on my own independently to wear I clung to everything I once knew because it was safe and familiar, making my own way in college and realizing then that the people I surrounded myself around all those years were really by choice but by those very circumstances aforementioned, understanding that when I chose friends for myself I chose people completely opposite of what I knew and experienced, to coming back home from college and settling back into old patterns that I once knew. I can speak do candidly about my actions thus far because I have no remorse, no shame, no animosity whatsoever about them anymore. It was what it was. It’s the past and it no longer affects me anymore. I felt the shift coming bit by bit but the weight has completely been lifted. I prefer things are they are ow in retrospect to how they were. The level of peace, happiness and love that I feel is far greater than anything I have ever experienced. I’ve learned that I mirror the love I have witnessed from my parents and because of my upbringing I tend to navigate all of my relationships in a long-term mindset. And because I have witnessed my parents love in my entire life it is the only form of love I have ever known and I desire to encounter other persons who are capable of loving me just as passionately as I have always experienced. When I didn’t get what I desired I would still stick around in the hopes that they would change when I already knew all along exactly who they were and what they are capable of. It is a disservice to myself to continue to allow people to give me less that I deserve while I desperately desire more. I was a people pleasure. Going throughout my childhood wanting to make my parents happy, wanting to make my friends happy, wanting the men that I dated to be happy all while ignoring my own happiness. It took me a while to see exactly how unhappy I was. I knew I could feel my unhappiness but it was overshadowed by my inherent desire to stay in whatever connection I have with people and that’s not love that’s attachment. I cared for those people and I still do but I also had very unhealthy attachments to them as well. I was soo desperate to make my own way outside of my parents authority that I clung to what I had without really acknowledging that I didn’t want to be in the company of the people I grew up with because I had outgrown them. Truth be told, I never saw myself in any of them and I always felt like an outsider amongst the group. I began to see early stages of the nature of my relationships in college. I didn’t want to be the girl worried about a guy back at home but I also didn’t want to bang the entire campus either. I noticed the friends I chose and hung out with that I just met were total opposites of the friends I grew up with. There were several moments throughout college where I didn’t hang out with them and I didn’t want to because I would rather hang with people who I felt genuinely understood and cared for me. Its destabilizing when you realize how much one person can take even when they know they don’t want be in that situation.

[lovecomesin]

I’m not turned off to love until it’s cheap.

[lovecomesin]

Someday it’ll be my turn to fall deeply in love.

[lovecomesin]

Cowards take the fun out of dating.

[lovecomesin]

30 Days After 30 (Part 2)

Nevertheless I am here and nothing, not even myself, is getting in my way. In the past I constantly spoke on doing better and I applaud myself for doing what I can back then but currently that is not enough. I have to double down to make sure I do not go back to old patterns simply because it’s familiar. I want to continue to be so disgusted with how I moved in the past that I couldn’t possibly allow myself to go back to the way it was. I would name the lovers and friends that I no longer deal with but I have given them enough of my time and energy over the years. No more. I still love them all but not enough to let them back into my life. This new stage of my life is much too beautiful to mar it with behaviors that are undeserving of me in all forms. So this is for you Ebony. To the woman that I love more than life itself. To the woman who still believes in love and hopes to find a beautiful love of her own. To the woman who is an amazing friend and looks forward to amazing friendships. To the woman who loves her family and wants to create a loving family of her own and continue to have and amazing connection to her family while they are alive to have it. You are enough. You are beautiful. You are kind. You are smart. You can trust yourself. You have nothing to fear. You have nothing to lose. You have everything to gain. You are powerful. You are strong. You can do it. You are doing it! Congratulations on making it to 30 Ebony. You have unlocked a new level of life that is unique to you. Never forget this journey is yours and no one can come in between that. Always stay in tune with yourself because you are your own safe space. I am beyond proud of you and I can’t wait to continue on this journey together. Until then. Later’s baby.

[lovecomesin]

30 Days After 30 (Part 1)

Thirty days ago I entered into the newest journey of my adulthood, 30 years of life. I had always imagined what my life at 30 would or could look like but I never could’ve possibly imagined that I would be here. Where exactly is here you ask? I’ll tell you: 30 with my own house, a new car, the dog I always wanted, with an easy job and life is truly perfect and feels so good. I am still single and have officially been so for the past 6 years since I broke up with Jordan. I have had romantic encounters since then but none worth mentoring now nor revisiting either. This new stage of life for me is so personal its feels as if it has manifested into its own form. I am so motivated and determined to live a life that is pleasing to God and myself that I cannot even begin to move in the ways that I used to. There were so many moments in my past life where I was truly unhappy, confused and abused and I stayed simply because I had already been there for so long. I did not love myself to the fullest nor did I stand up for myself as fiercely as I deserved. No more! It is directly my responsibility to showcase the life I want to live for myself. So I will give God, this life and this world all of my healthy love, light and joy that I have found. Life has truly been beautiful in a way that I haven’t experienced before. There was a major shift and I am different now. You would have to meet me again to even understand who I am now. I know now more than ever that I have to be the blueprint for the life I want. I am the one who shows people how I want and deserve to be treated. No more making myself smaller to easily be digested. No more ignoring my boundaries and desires to appease others. And no more getting in the way of my own happiness. A huge lesson that I learned was I was a part of the problem. I played a huge role in the story of my life during my 20’s. I allowed bad friends to linger to long, bad relationships to linger to long and bad behavior to linger to long. I thought by giving more of myself to people they would see just how amazing I was and finally do right by me. I adore myself for my ability to love even when others are not loving me in the way that I desire. Just as I adore myself for being a hopeless romantic for the better part of my whole life. I am taking this time now to say farewell to the hopeless romantic that is Ebony Walker. I no longer wish to be a fool in love who always hopes for the best outcome even when the terrible truth is right before my eyes. The girl who laughs in the face of danger and gives anyone who dares to date her a chance simply because they requested it. The woman that I am practices discernment. As a woman who is the head of my household I have to make sure my house is in order first and foremost. I have to make sure that the decisions I am making make me happy and honor myself and the God I serve. I have been beyond disgusted with the behaviors and relationships where I allowed such vile situations to happen but no more. I look to the future with my head held high and a huge smile. I am finally free. Leaving childish things behind was a choice only I could make and I would only be able to make it when I was tired enough and I was exhausted. I do not want to get back into a place where I consistently teach people that I come second in comparison to everything else. I do not want to go back to loveless relationships that make me feel lonely and miserable. I do not want to go back to friendships where I was used and not supported. Getting a house at 27 was one of the biggest moments of my life and I still wasn’t prepared for the major shift that followed. I can proudly say at 30 that I have it down packed and I’m continuing to love this journey into my adult life. I do not grieve those that I have lost along the way because it is that very loss that lead me to the greatest joy and blessings. I’m not even certain if I would have been able to be in the place that I am now if not for the major shift and declassification of those relationships.

[lovecomesin]

“Going after a dream has a price. It may mean abandoning our habits, it may make us go through hardships, or it may lead us to disappointment. But however costly it may be, it is never as high as the price paid by people who didn’t live.”

— Paul Coelho

[lovecomesin]

[lovecomesin]

[lovecomesin]

[lovecomesin]

Your new life will cost you your old one. Don’t fret, it’s worth it.