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[lovefeelingsandmisfortune]

7/6/23 - thursday

first entry. a combination of today being my rest day along with the fact there wasn’t anything planned for today has me laying down on the couch, rubbing the sleep from my eyes at 5:00 in the afternoon. i read a bit of my book earlier, leon falling asleep in my lap as i did. so, but i still want to read more before bed.

i didn’t really do much today (obviously). i feel lazy when i don’t do anything, but overwhelmed when i am doing something. i’m overworking myself but not working hard enough, i’m too lazy but in over my head with work, it’s makes tons of sense. i signed up to go to an animal shelter this weekend to go through training so i can start volunteering there during the week. i can’t wait until i get my car because up until then i’ll have to have a ride figured out going and leaving the shelter. i can’t wait to grow up, but i still want to be a kid.

i ended my fast around 10:50, a little earlier than I was supposed to but i didn’t have anything else to do and was starving. i love the idea of rotting from the inside out until i feel my insides eating away with acidic pangs and head splitting knots of discomfort. oh well. i want to be skinny, don’t I? i want to be stick-thin with brittle bones that stick out at sharp angles, have eyes gaze upon my skin jealously admiring the slenderness, be comfortable in my own skin. I want to be sick, but i want to be healthy.

i want to be able to run for miles, but i don’t have the energy for that when i starve. which do i want? which can i be? am i weak for choosing one or the other? I want to experience life for its luscious, delicious beauty. i want to do gay, exciting things and reap their gay, exciting rewards. love love love. love brain, love my body, love my spirit. i want to love. i want to see i want to experience. i want to be and i want to do.