loverikajeann

[loverikajeann]

hey I need some help

So…I wanted to buy something with my own money and my dad did not let me so I don’t really know what to do because I don’t want to start a war with my dad or anything but its like he gets to use 152 of my money but I can’t use 125 on something that I really want and he used that money to buy snacks and beer and like what is the reason I can’t use my money and for what reason like it does not make sense so like I need your opinion on what I should do so I can use my money

The end?

-enzo

[loverikajeann]

hi I’m erikas son

So I turned ten not to long ago and this year has been pretty good and with that let me tell you a few things about myself. So today is Christmas and I got a few cool things I got a drone,play station gift card and clothing I had a lot of fun this Christmas.My dad was being lasy this morning and didn’t drop me of the time he was supposed to and I didn’t get to see many gifts get open mostly my moms and I was very disappointed in my dad but I stil love him.

THE END

-enzo

[loverikajeann]

Getting over it

I’ve always asked myself how do I completely get over it? Like certain things that have happened to me in the past that tend to come out when I’m in pain...how do I just get over then so that I never have to mention them again? Because mentioning them while I’m in pain or feel cornered is not something I plan on or want to do....at all. I’ve been told that when I do those things and yell them out ,it hurts a certain someone. And trust me, I definitely know that words can hurt, sometimes more than physical pain because you runs to let them longer, you replay them and you question why they were said in the first place. So yeah mentioning certain moments while I'm in pain is something I need to stop doing and I think I’ll stop doing them once I get over then,,,COMPLETELY. So how do I do that? I know therapy is an option but I don't necessarily want to go that route, I guess I need to think about it for a few.....till next time. Also, I’m open to suggestions so PLEAE SHARE

Goodnight

[loverikajeann]

CHANGES CHANGES!

Well there definitely has been some positive changes coming my way...and I have to say this before I go on, I am forever grateful of all the blessings I have encountered this year. Now I HAVE noticed that some of these changes have been taken for granted and I have to change that ASAP! I’m currently typing on my very own computer which I have been wanting now for years and years!!!! I’m so happy about it!!! No more using y fathers laptop anymore! Although, again I’m ver grateful to hi as well there's a lot of things I couldn't have done without his help and borrowing a computer to apply for jobs and take care of business has been so helpful so yeah THANK YOU POPS! Ok what other changes....oh I still am not driving my own car just yet, but god willing it will happen before I go back to work on the 14th, I’m so ready to have my car back! Oh and when I DO have it back I will DEFINITELY have the driving under control, always be careful always look at my surroundings..Because the LAST thing I need when I FIRST get my car is a car accident or even worse, get a ticket or pulled over!!! ( dun dun dun ) You know, speaking of cars, I learned that cops don't necessarily need probable cause, so yeah lets be really careful. You want to know something funny...Its 3:21 AM that’s right I said it, its the middle if the night lol I can’t sleep so I decided to get up and play with my new MAC (woot woot) and idk how but I started like dreaming while typing.....kind of like when you talk to yourself cuz you’re on the computer in a room by yourself. I started like mixing my dream with my reality and even looked behind me because that's what I was dreaming that I was talking to someone behind me LOL how funny is that!!! IDK Im probably not making much sense at this nonevent because like I said, I’m mostly sleeping...ok enough of my banter I’m going to try and go to bed in a few-damn it I did it again! I was dreaming that I was going to pick up a paper and while I'm sitting down, I actually just tried grabbing something off the floor!!!!! LOL And on that note ladies and gentlemen I am logging off....well off my blog...not ny computer....I have work to do (no I don't. That was a lie)  

[loverikajeann]

Mid-Year recap

I can honestly say after what we were all put through, as a nation...heck as a world we definitely deserved this year to be a good one! And so far, thanks to the all mighty up above, this year has been amazing to me!

   Yeah yeah my dating life is beyond dead...it's nowhere near existence to be completely honest, but if I had to take an L it would DEFINITELY be in this category. I'm not ready for dating. It truly requires a lot of time and energy, that is if you're willing to be in a good positive relationship, which is what I would strive for if I was in the market. So yeah, no dating for me at this time, but like I said I'm more than ok wit that! I wouldn't even consider it an "L" (shrug). And as far as the whole, "one night stands", that's a hard pass for me. It seems to me like a waste of time! Yeah I'd get a free meal, but let's be real...who knows where the dude's been! And what if I end up getting raped/kidnapped?! No question, that's a HARD PASS for me. Besides, isn't there a saying that goes a little like, "no one can don what I can do better" ? WINK. There's a lot of truth in those few words, not to mention the ZERO risk of getting pregnant or STDs!!! Need I say more?

     Ok, lets take a look at my career for a quick minute.....and very quick, because at this moment in my life it's not something that's SUPER important to me. Why? Well to be honest (oh man, a whole lot of honesty going on in this post) I'm NOT where I want to be career wise. So because I'm NOT THERE...I think I will set a new goal so that I can be more pleased with this subject by the end of the year....ok you ready?! Here it goes!!!!! I want to complete the BSN program!!!! I mean my gosh I was TEN MONTHS away from GRADUATING! That's practically a pregnancy's length!! So that's my goal...now I'm not saying I'm going to complete the program, (obvi) but what I AM SAYING is that I'll at the very least, set a plan in motion. I know its expensive so before I set this plan in motion I might have to plan something along the lines of getting a sugar daddy, or robbing a bank. But either way it goes, my goal is to SET A PLAN TO FINSIH MY BSN  before the end of the year. I got this shit!

   I can truly go on for pages and pages on why else I'm happy today and why this has been an incredible year for me, but I'd rather not bore you. Instead, I'm going to end it with this...

   My mental health as been the BEST it's ever been in the past FIVE YEARS! And that's an absolutely long time when it comes to mental health. As you know (I'm talking to you E!) we've not only had to battle with sooo much loss; the house, the cars, the baby daddy going to jail...the job. That was a toll on me that literally broke my heart and soul. Then there was that huge drinking/depression binge that lead me to the hospital for a week...these past few years the last thing I wanted was to live. If it wasn't for Enzo I can truly say I'd be dead by now. I couldn't tell you how many times I told my parents that I wanted to die...BUT NOW! I absolutely LOVE LIFE! I love my PAID off CAMRY (lol) I'm moving out soon...spending soo much time with Enzo this summer..I'm healthy and mentally STRONG! I have learned to love myself more than EVER before..and I feel sooo blessed and thankful. I mean seriously, I couldn't have done it without the help and love of my immediate  family; my parents, brothers and son. They're love encouragement and support helped me more than I think they even know!

So what's next? How do I want to finish the year? What other goals do I have? Ok let's list a few...

1) Plan out how and when I'll finish school (remember rob the bank first)

2) LOSE WEIGHT!, that's a whole other blog

3) continue to grow mentally and physically stronger!

4) Get closer to god and continue to work the program

And that's all for now, because If anyone knows how quick life could change, I'm definitely one of them and I'd rather keep my goals short and sweet. One day at a time as they say :)  

That's all folks!

God Speed,

E .

[loverikajeann]

Turning the page

Wow. It’s been a few months since I’ve blogged and it feels as though I’m living a completely new life! But a much better one, in a positive way!! I’m very close to finishing my DUI classes and about to get my Driver’s License!!! You have no idea how proud I am of myself, I mean I could cry just thinking about the past few years and what I’ve been through. It wasn't only the drinking (I mean if you’ve read the previews blogs you know lol) but it was my mental state that affected me sooo much. And I never really spoke to anyone about it, except for the bottle of course. I remember telling my parents almost every night I drank that I wanted to die. I had given up on sooo much at that point in my life. I mean we had lost our home (all of our homes) We lost storage units with all of our belongings in them. Then I lost my partner in life, who I actually was naïve at that time in the past to think that it was an actual loss. Losing my partner was probably the BEST loss I’ve had in the past few years. And NOW I’ve not only completed the program for recovery, but a long with my upcoming DL I am also looking at starting a NEW JOB! So much to be grateful for today. And it’s true when people say that as long as you’re doing good, good things will come. I’m excited for my future. And, now more than ever I don’t want to die...I want to LIVE! I want to continue to grow and not get the “old Erika” back but gain a WHOLE new person! A woman with confidence, no insecurities and a great role model to my son. Only good things to come! Glad I get to finally turn the page in my book of LIFE.

[loverikajeann]

MOVE THE F-ON!

Listen, the main reason I write to myself is so that when I question life’s purpose AT ALL I can just open this bad boy up and read up on what or how I feel about certain situations! Kind of like a “self help” ok? So let’s talk about how important it is to move on for YOURSELF! I know we have the option or hear talks about going back to “that” but let’s be honest...wouldn’t you like to give yourself a chance first? Love YOURSELF first? GROW first?! I think that’s super important E. So stop worrying about what he doin or how his words don’t match his actions at all cuz let’s be honest have they ever?! NOPE! And I know as long as you take care of YOU, you workout you eat right you sleep right you continue to work the steps....GOD will put someone in your path that will TRULY be worthy of YOUR TIME! Trust me. So whenever you feel lonely or feel like settling because those words he be sayin’ sound “so nice” just think TWICE...and remember the actions...THE ACTIONS THAT SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS! and then brush it off stand up and continue to work on YOU. 

[loverikajeann]

A better day today

Oh man!!! This past week has been really eye opening. I feel as though I’ve lost so much time already. I’m done with it. No more losing time. I have to try and set some short term goals and then maybe work on one or two a week...until I’m done with everything that I have to get done in order to get ahead in my life. No more falling behind, no more wasting time because time is PRECIOUS. And every mistake that has been made has COST me not only money, but health, self-love and TIME. I can not get that time back and for that I’m so mad about...honestly. I’m done with time I truly have to continue to work on my recovery. Wasting time is just not an option anymore. Not only that, but I also feel as though I lose a bit of my soul every time I go back out you know? Like I don’t understand how I justify it but I have to just fucking realize that there truly is no justification for this shit! There’s absolutely no reason to wait no there’s absolutely NO GOOD REASON to use EVER AGAIN! so Please E, if you ever do feel like using, open this message up and READ IT! You will only WASTE valuable time that you will not be able to get back! Trust me! Find something better to do to get your head out of the gutter...no matter how you feel or what you’re reason is just no there’s NO GOOD REASON to use! So chill the fuck out. Thanks. 

[loverikajeann]

Lost.

Well it’s been quite some time since I’ve last blogged...and today I Feel lost. I keep going in cirlces. And I’m so incredibly tired of doing this circle thing over and over. I know that deep inside I have to just do this once and for all and continue on the path...I read something today that really stuck to me at our NA women’s meeting and it said, “ We must be willing to do whatever is necessary to recover. We never know when the time will come when we must put forth all the effort and strength we have just to stay clean” So what does this mean to me? Right now...I have to admit I needed to hear this because I know I have a rough few days ahead of me...but I also know that im strong AF and I will get through this NO MATTER WHAT. I have to be strong and I have to consistently remind myself that I WILL NOT DIE, and it will be worth it! Because at the end of the day all I need is my sobriety and my son. I’m going to keep going strong! You got this E! No room for being a chicken shit girlfriend. lol On a lighter note, everything else is also falling apart :)  just kidding. I’ll say a little thing that I think you’ll be interested in I hope to get my driver’s license soon! I’m actually very excited about that because it’s the next step in life..that’s what I think I gotta focus on you know? Taking it step by step no more fuck ups or steps backwards E! Moving forward from now on.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

[loverikajeann]

MAT and “recovery” ?

WARNING: I type my thoughts, I don’t necessarily think about grammar or consider spelling...it’s my blog and you’re welcome to have a read just be prepared for the random nonsense. 

-scribblings that only make sense to me I suppose (shrugs)-

Wow. This topic or question rather has been on my mind very single day since I have considered myself to be “CLEAN” . Holy shit I swear this is such a HARD subject for MEEEEEEEE! Maybe because I have relapsed so many times that I question myself if I'm even worth giving it another try? You know what though I can already tell that this route is going to be a lot more successful than any of the other paths I have taken...hey that’s a GREAT idea let me start there!!! THE PATHS THAT I HAVE TAKEN AND FAILED!!!

ok so of course I have done the traditional detox for the week or so and then go into the sober living for the remainder of that time I really didn’t feel as though I was progressing at all. I was constantly reminded that only less than five percent of the class would be successful really, and the rest of us were bound for a relapse. It’s as though they said “ You have wasted your time because you will most likely return sooner or later, but feel proud of yourself because you at least realize and acknowledge that you have an addiction” 

So what did I do? I was sent home with about seven or eight medications...took them like I was supposed to...and little by little I began to abuse them as well. I also started taking KRATUM which let me tell you is practically an OPIATE but it wasn’t controlled..it wasn’t prescribed and sooner rather than later I also abused that, and sooner rather than later I relapsed. Did the whole traditional detox...sober living thirty day program and was again sent home with seven to eight medications to take...and I feel like these meds were absolute BULLSHIT. I mean gabapentin for nerve pain I wasn’t really experiencing. Then muscle relaxer that made me sleepy. Antipsychotic medications to help me “sleep” and it was some pretty heavy shit like Seroquel which I heard can be addictive in itself, and easily abused. Then Buspar for generalized anxiety which I ahve to agree I did feel here and there but I was supposed to take this on a daily basis. And finally Zoloft, which I have to admit was the only medication in my opinion that i felt I truly needed. You know I ended up relapsing again and ended up at the same place for the third and very last time. There was a conference during my last stay at the rehab in where the speaker talked about Suboxone and how they were the miracle drug due to the help of detox as well as the extreme amount of not functioning at all, he made it seem as though anyway. But I looked aroumd the room and said to him “Most of us get used to driving in much worse substances; Heroin, Meth or even worse like Fentanyl and we could drive “JUST FINE!” , anyway all of  began my questioning of what their specific strategy was at this place and pretty much all of the REHAB facilities in southern california and then it came to me like a lightning bolt of IDK something spectacular...you see they dont want to send you home on SUBOXONE because it truly is a FUCKING MIRACLE DRUG!! They’d have this drug that you can honestly take as long as you need it and AS LONG as you do not abuse it. It covers the SAME receptors of any opiate which means it is in the same drug class however it acts THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE in the BRAIN! Meaning it BLOCKS those receptors, you do NOT get a HIGH Or a EUPHORIA effect ( i know sucks, but trust me it’s an important part fo your recovery) and becuase it does the OPPOSITE of what an opiate would do...it fools your brain into thinking that you got your “fix” sort of speak so you dont have any cravings...did you hear me?! YOU DONT HAVE CRAVINGS! you can go about your life and function like a regular adult...work, do family stuff...be NORMAL!! And with the guidance of your doctor, you will slowly be tapered down,. It is a very slow process but it’s done carefully and as long and you and your doc are on the same page you will YOU WILL be successful. MY doctor described it as a “soft landing” it took years for your brain to get “Smashed” like the egg in the commercial, and so it’s going to take years for it to repair. Dr. A described it as a DEEP wound like breaking a femur bone for example...it can’t be repaired in the amount of time of a one week detox right? Or how about thirty days in physical therapy? Doesn’t make semse does it? Well addiction created a big wound like I said, and instead of taking seven or eight meds that I truly dont need like muscle relaxers I am HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE MY CURRENT TREATMENT (thanks to Dr.A) 

ok so....I checked into an ER hospital where they were already expecting me (yes I know VIP treatment is quite nice) I was given subozone after they dii a quick assesment of my current insanity stage and detoxing I had to do. I was sent home with about two weeks worth of SUBS, I take one in the AM and one again in the PM. I was required to enter an outpatient program at the hopsital in Arrowhead, which I think it abosolutely perfect becae we actively participate in our recovery...we do ZOOM meetings twice a week with our counselor. Ok you know know those meds they have you take at a rehab? Like HVRC? Well once you are sent home after a few hours at the ER, not you dont stay over night at all. I got sent hone with just the suboxone. Yes those first few days well the first week even was hell. I was in a lot of pain and I couldnt even move it took me over 24 hours to take a piss, three days or so to even put anything in my mouth! But no meds other than the SUBOXONE! And eventually, I woke up just like you genuinely HAPPY MAN. No cravings at all...not thoughts of using. I focus on the task at hand, I enjoy the day I’m presented with by god. Dr. Avalos said I will be weaned off once I let him know I’m ready meaning this is where I feel mentally strong, physically capable and have the support I need from my family members. And as long as I have NOT been abusing my script meaning not taking more than what I need to and so on, it should be a decent landing. Ofcourse he did say it would not be easy or a piece of cake...there will be some changes in my mood and all of that because yeah who likes going through med changes at all right, but it wont be impossible and like he said as long as I feel strong enough and I am honest about that then I got this! Obviously like anyother opiates he did say you shouldn’t discontinue taking without consulting because yeah it won’t be pretty meaning same detox s/sx do apply as if you were detoxing from any other opiate. So it was simple, just follow the doctors instructions, complete the 90 day outpatient program, get a sponsor and attend NA meetings, work the steps adn eventually be of service. And this time around I am happy to say that it’s WORKING, And thank god that at least if its the whole “Just for Today” speech, I can most def say that “Just for Today: I don’t have to use, I don’t have to get sick, I dont have to lie or cheat or steal..I can enjoy my day freely surrounded by the people who love me and those I love the nost as well.”

-Erika Valdez

[loverikajeann]

Just for today

You know I heard this saying that goes a little like this: “The devil never sleeps” and today I have to admit that I completely agree. Sometimes in my recovery for some reason I have this false belief that I can just have one..and I then go and make a few reasons WHY I can just have one. And that’s when I realized how the devil never sleeps. In this case I’m not specifically talking about the devil but I am talking about the demons I fight in my addiction. And if you’re in recovery you know that this battle can be very exhausting and drain you physically. But it’s a daily battle that when I have my guard down I realize I get those thoughts. But I didn’t use! Today I won the battle against my addiction and I want to continue to keep my guard out, I just wonder how long does it take until you don’t have to fight? Well, either way, I’m willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober, just for today. 

[loverikajeann]

Love’s Day

Today we celebrate LOVE. A lot of people are against this holiday or don’t give it much importance, or say things like “everyday should be Valentine’s Day” and that may be true, but TODAY should be celebrated. Although at this time I am not in love persay, nor do I have a partner...I do still believe in love. I hope that one day I’ll find someone that will love me the way I deserve to be loved. You see when I am in love, that person’s mood affects me. I devote myself to that person, making them happy and such. I may be “too nice” or so I’ve been told, but I do truly believe in LOVE. I hope that one day I’ll be loved by someone and dont have to feel lonely, like I do today. I feel lonely, and I feel a little sad to be honest, but I still do believe in love and I still do believe that GOD will fill that void for me. So happy Valentine’s Day and may you, whoever you are..get the love you deserve. 

[loverikajeann]

Trust the process

People have often told me to trust the process. It’s of course easier said than done, and I think at the end of the day..the things we try to control that are out of our reach..we pay for. You see I’ve often tried to change people I love, and have ended up heart broken (I’m sure I’m not the only one). So yeah, today I’ve chosen to trust the process. I’ve come to realize and with God’s help “Accept the things I cannot change” and further more, those things that I can’t change and continue to negatively affect my life and my everyday well being I distance myself from. So in the long run, I’ve learned to be ok with being alone. I’ve lost some friends, but those that have loved me and have put up with me, I’ve grown closer to. Today, I truly believe that as long as I trust the process...I will not only find or end up with the perfect person for me, but I will be the happiest I’ve probably ever been...and I’m so thankful for that. I’m excited for my future and I’m happy that everything is going to be ok. 

[loverikajeann]

The DETOX IS REAL!

 Well, I decided to write about this because if my crazy brain decides I could just have “one” I NOW have the option to not only “Play the tapes” as they say in recovery, but I can only open this puppy up, grab some popcorn and remember that AWFUL week of detox...how REAL it is, how horrible it was and how much BETTER LIFE IS NOW! 

So what they say is true, “You feel like you’re going to die” and I can remember those exact words going through my head...”this is umbarable, I can’t do this...I’m gonna die...I can’t do this” The chills that run throughout your body. The uncontrollable muscle contractions, PAINFUL contractions you have no control over. I remember only feeling better when I laid absolutely STILL with my eyes closed, in fetal position, with not one thing touching me....The pain, actual physical pain is very REAL. I was addicted to Opiates, and like many out there I ended up buying street drugs, which later found out was consuming Fentanyl most of my addiction. I can tell you now that the withdraw from Fentanyl is absolutely horrible. I couldn’t eat or drink not even a sip of water for over 24 hours. I couldn’t shower for days, because even the touch of water caused pain. I didn’t even use the toilet for over a day and a half (sorry for the TMI). The way this pain feels is not only unbearable but you can’t function, physically or mentally. All your brain could focus on was THE PAIN and NEEDING drugs will help me feel better...At the end of the fourth day I thought to myself, “I’ve had enough” and yet the brain tends to want to “forget” what happened how awful the detox was and want to find “one more” and now when I have those unrealistic thoughts I wont only tell myself, “One is too many and a thousand is not enough” but I can read this...you got this E! 

[loverikajeann]

New Me?

I’m very new to this, but for some reason I feel at home? Well maybe cuz I am home, but I’ve always enjoyed writing in a diary when I was younger and now that I get the chance to express myself on this...its well, refreshing I guess. So yeah, maybe this is  NEW ME. I’ve experienced a lot of changes this year alone and I have to be honest probably more changes than I’ve had last year. And one of the biggest and greatest changes is gaining my SOBRIETY! And I’m soo excited about that. I hope this year goes well, and I know I can take on whatever comes my way as long as I continue to stay sober, one day at a time as they say!