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[loverreborn-blog]

Ride On

Xhexania: *With the winter snow finally melting, I decide I really need a ride to clear my head. The nights aren't as bitterly cold anymore, and the roads are clear enough of salt that I won't be trashing my Ducati. Pausing as I wheel my bike out of the shed, I grab the helmet that I've never worn. It may still be too cold for @NoOne_BDBRW, but I only planned a short ride to start. She might not even like it. I make sure the shed is secured before throwing a leg over and kicking the engine to life. I can tell that #JohnMatthew is downtown, or at least that he's not in the direction of the mansion. Staff have started to notice that I don't follow my own rules about downtime, so actually taking my night off is a good plan. Before I know it, I'm making my way through the security checkpoints. This is not a planned visit, but I'm known, so I pass through quickly. Grabbing the helmet from the back of my Ducati, I head inside, hoping my mahmen is up for a ride.*

Autumn: *I head out toward the library. The day has been long and I barely slept. I need to feed. There's no much time left. I am feeling more lethargic every night that goes by. Of all the things I thought about coming to this side, feeding was not on the top of my list. I should have known better. Opens the library's door and looks inside. Great, nobody is here. I get in and close the door behind me. The laptop that @Vishous_BDBRW has set up for me is exactly where I left it. I grab a chair and sit. Flipping the laptop open, I log in and the book I was reading yesterday pops up immediately. I suppose I cannot find my answers "online" can I? Sighs. I know what to do. I need to call mine Daughter and let her know. If I am going to cross over to the Other Side for a couple of days, I better let her know. I don't want her to freak out. Maybe I am kidding myself. Maybe she won't even notice it. Regardless, if not for her, for myself. I will feel better if I tell her. I scroll down and find the page I was reading yesterday. Dammit all this and its bookmarks. I have no idea how this works. But I am getting there. I should be proud of my little accomplishments*

Xhexania: *As I wait with my face pointed at the vestibule camera, I wonder if this is pointless. We had one shopping trip. My mahmen and I may as well still be strangers. The extra items I found that she picked up for me certainly aren’t things I would buy for myself, though putting spikes on a frickin’ pocketbook makes the damn thing almost practical. With everything going sideways between me and #John, I haven’t exactly been around to get acquainted. I wonder if @NoOne_BDBRW even tried on the leather riding clothes I got for her. Frowning, I reach over and hit the vestibule buzzer. I expected to be let straight in with how quick the gates opened. I run my free hand over my hair as a doggen opens the door, a tiny little female who looks nervous. I nod my thanks as I step inside and wonder where to start looking for my mahmen.*

Autumn: *After reading a couple of pages, I feel -and hear- my stomach growling. I better get myself some food. I can't afford to being both lethargic and hungry. Although my body is asking for blood not food. Whatever. I head out toward the kitchen. I found a Doggen in my way and I nod as he pases by me. Once in the kitchen, I open the refrigerator. Some beef pastrami catches my eyes. Ugh...my stomach growls even more at the sight of that pinky meat. Well, pastrami will be. I fix myself a quick sandwich. I really cannot wait to eat it. Mayo, mustard and lots of meat between two slices of rye bread. Biting into it, I close my eyes as I chew slowly. Ok, this feels better. I keep biting and chewing, eat bite makes me feel a little bit better. At least my stomach has stopped growling. Good thing I am alone. The sight of me wolfing down the sandwich I bet it's not pretty at all. I open again the fridge and grab a bottle of Spring water and an apple. I better head back to the library before anybody sees me.*

Xhexania: *The mansion is pretty quiet with most of the males out on rotation, and a number of the females volunteering at Safe Place, so the quiet footsteps from the kitchen seem like a good place to start. I should have asked the doggen if she knew where to find @NoOne_BDBRW. I smile as I see my mahmen with her sandwich. At least she hasn’t succumbed to the junk food binges of @Rhage_BDBRW* Am I interrupting your meal?

Autumn: *I look towards the kitchen door as soon as I hear mine daughter's voice. Proof that I am feeling weaker each day is the fact that I didn't notice she was here. Nothing. Not her steps not her scent. Sighs as I look at her. She seems stressed. But I know better than to ask. If she wants to share with me, she will. Besides, the fact that she's here, it's enough for me. Hopefully she came to visit me. I won't keep my hopes up though. She could be here for a lot of reasons. I'm going to enjoy whatever time she wants to spend with me. I need to tell her about the feeding thing, anyway. I smile at her* Hi! It's good to see you around. *nods* I am done now and was ready to head off back to the Library. Do you want me to fix some food for you? *smiles as I wait for your answer. Hopefully we can spend some time together*

Xhexania: *I catch the sigh before you fix a smile on your face. My eyes narrow as I notice a slight pallor. I can tell something is up, and not just the obvious need to feed. It’s not my place to say anything. Opinions run thick in the mansion, which is my biggest reason for staying away. Part of me misses being here, and part of me misses the way things were before #JohnMatthew. Life is all about change though, and I wouldn’t have gotten to meet you if not for all the twists life takes. I brush off your offer of food with a quick shake of my head.* I’ve already eaten, but thanks. Are you set on that library plan of yours, or can I talk you into something more exciting? *I pull the helmet out from behind my back with a smile.* I still owe you a ride.

Autumn: *I look at you as you try to find what to say. I get it. After all you went through, I decided to stop by and break the news to you. On your mating day. As if that day wasn’t already stressful enough. I should have waited. That ship sailed long ago though. What’s done is done. I wish things were different with #JohnMatthew Deep down, I think is mostly a selfish thing. If your relationship would be back to what it was, well not that way but better, you will back here. I will be having you around more. Even if you did ignore me, I would still seeing you more often. I would know that you are fine, and save and...yeah.Ok. I can’t help but smile widely when you pull the helmet out from behind your back. I can’t believe you still want me to go out with you. I have to control my excitement before I answer you* Yes! I would love to do that. In fact, you are the only person I trust to take me out *smiles*. Let me change into a more appropriate outfit. I’ll be fast, I promise. Would you like to wait for me at the Library?….*looks down to the floor* It’s a quiet place...nobody goes there. Ever…..

Xhexania: *I'm sure the state of my mating with #JohnMatthew is a topic of gossip, or at least concern, around the mansion and your words bring a sad smile to my face.* It's okay. #John's already out on rotation downtown, so I'll just wait here. If you still have the riding leathers I got you, they're a good choice. *I gesture down at my own* I never wear a helmet, but road rash is a bitch, and there's a lot of salt around after this winter. *I’m not good at the conversation thing, but that’s something I need to work on here if I want to get closer with you.* I thought you’d feel more comfortable with a helmet the first time, but that’s your choice. *I run my hand over my hair, out of things to say.* No need to rush, we still have hours until dawn. I’ll just be down here.

Autumn: *I keep my eyes fixated on the kitchen's checkered floor. You can say what you want. You love him, he loves you, and this situation sucks. You are a strong female, yes, but it doesn’t mean this is not heavy on you. I look up at you and smile.* I’ll be right back. *before I turn around look you in the eye* I trust your driving skills with my life *points at the helmet* but helmets are on for this ride. I won’t lose you again, Xhexania.*turns around quickly before you get any chance to reply. I am sure I won’t like what you have to say. Despite it is true. I did leave you. I am the one who did it. It hurts all the same. Never again. Ever. I got inside my room, happy nobody was in my way and I quickly change into the more appropriate outfit. I am nervous, indeed. Mostly because the idea of you wanting to spend more time with me is beyond everything I have expected. Better get ready soon, I don’t want you to change your mind*

Xhexania: *I blink as you turn to rush out of the kitchen and up the stairs,your limp barely noticeable. Did you really just try to tell me to wear a helmet? Too bad I’ve only got one, and it’s going on you. As I walk the kitchen in slow circles, scaring off any doggen who try to enter, I think the library might have been a better place to wait after all. Things are screwed up between me and #John, but I have a chance to know my mahmen as a friend. The fear that used to flare around you in my presence is gone, but the sorrow remains. Nerves, but also cautious happiness. I have another reason to come here, and I need to remember that. It would be easier if I was living here, but a gilded cage is still a cage, and the testosterone loyalty is thick in this building. I head back out to the foyer to give the doggen a break from my prowling through their territory. I look up the stairs in time to see you come down in the riding leathers I gave you. They don’t fit as well as I thought they would, but the robing made things hard to judge.* Looks good. More importantly, it will keep your skin safe. *I can’t resist a smirk* Not that I’ve ever wiped out, but there’s always a first time.

Autumn: *As I change into the more appropriate outfit I take a look at the mirror...bit bigger than expected but I do not mind. God, I look so….so…..so, what? I don’t know. I like my hair braided though. Well...this is me. I am not the striking beautiful female everybody said I was once. I like it that way, though. I need to try this for my daughter. I hope I won’t fall or I won’t embarrass her. I cannot cope with the idea of being a burden to her. Not that. Not that. I leave my room and I take a deep breath as I come down the stair and my gunmetal eyes meets yours. I smile at you as you talk. You are a smart ass that makes me laugh every single time.* I am sure you will not this time, either. I can see you have just one helmet. So, since I am already scarred beyond repair, and I know I will not convince you to use the helmet, let’s ditch it altogether. Do you know how hard it was to braid all my hair? *chuckles* I am ready. *looks and point at myself* I know this is A look, but I don’t mind. I think I can fix this leathers myself, eventually *chuckles* Ready? *looks at you with a stupid smug on my face that I suspect is going to be permanent, at least for a couple of days. I will need to get a helmet, though.. Ugh...that reminds me of @Tohr_BDBRW and our incident when I showed him the bike I want to get for you…….no no no….I’ll better ask @Vishous_BDBRW...pretty sure he will be able to help me.*

Xhexania: Helmet free it is then. And not because of any scarring, but because the wind feels amazing. *I set the helmet down, knowing #Fritz will have found it an appropriate home by the time we get back* Damn thing is almost enough to make me claustrophobic. Defeats that whole freedom of the open road thing. I think you’ll enjoy it. *The longer I stay in the mansion, the more closed in I feel. Wide open spaces filled with narrow-minded bonded male mentality can be stifling like that.* The braid’s probably a good idea. *It’s hard not to return your smile, and I have no reason to fight it.* Come on, mahmen. Let’s go get some air.

Autumn: *Looks at you while you speak. I have noticed lately that you speak to me more, ah, how do I put it? mmm let’s say, more freely. There is less thought and more you. If that makes sense. Before, every answer or dialogue was more constructed. You thought out every single word. Whether because you did not know what to say, mixed with the surprise of me being here and alive or simply because you didn’t like me. Your walls were really up when it came to me. I am happy you don’t feel that way anymore. You keep calling me Mahmen even though we both know I do not deserve it. But I’d take whatever you want to give me. Your eyes light up when your smile touch them and doesn’t that melt my heart. You are so pretty, if only you could see it* Agreed. I need some fresh air. Too tight here...lately…*shakes head as I walk after you* So. where are we going?

Xhexania: Out. *chuckles as I head for the front door* That’s as far as my plan went. Get out, have a ride,see where we end up. The ride down the mountain is always slow because of the gates, but after that we can put on some real speed. *I turn and continue walking backwards as something occurs to me* Is there anywhere you want to go? We can head to the city if you wanted to do some shopping, or grab something else to eat. Or we can just take a ride, and plan something for next time. A movie maybe. Or live theatre if that’s more your thing, but I draw the line at musicals. *Brilliant move. Plan to be far away from downtown, then try to find a way to be downtown. Dependent stalker there much, Xhex? I spin back around and pull open the door, trying to pull back out of my mind as well.* Whatever you want. You might even hate riding my Ducati. *Shutting my mouth to keep from rambling further, I head to my bike as I wait for a response.*

Autumn: *I smile at your comment. Touché. Out indeed. As I walk behind you, thinking of just being out, with you. Wherever. I might even like to ride on your Ducati. I look at you as you face me. I raise my eyebrows but I manage to kinda hide my surprise when you are willing not only to discuss where to go but the possibility of another time together. Yay. Whatever that means. @Rhage_BDBRW seems happy when he uses that expression. But your offers brings me back to reality. I have to talk to you about me, feeding, going to the other side for a few. Right. Not just yet. I want to enjoy whatever time I have with you* I want to ride on, feel the air on my face. I want you to show me how is done. We don't need to go anywhere in particular. At least not tonight. The road around the mountains and even beyond sounds like a winner? What do you say? I just want to ride...and feel and live the experience of it all.  After that, we can, ah, plan next time...yes? *follows you to your bike as I am now the one waiting for an answer*

Xhexania: *I sling a leg over my Ducati and turn back to look at you over my shoulder.* It’s like riding a horse. Vaguely. Without the side saddle bullshit obviously. The ride is smoother and faster. *I pat the seat behind me.* Hop on. You can hold on to me, or the seat if you’re more comfortable that way. I’ve never had someone ride with me before, so starting slow should help me with the balance too. Sometimes a ride is the best way to clear my head. *Talk about needing to clear my head all of a sudden. I expected #John would be the first person I would have on this bike with me. Like I could ever convince him to take the bitch seat. A name I am not about to share with you.* Shit. Your leg. Do you need a hand?

Autumn: * I follow every of your movement. Ok, I think I got this. You had sling a leg over the bike like that’s your second skin. I don’t think I will do it as smooth as you, but I am gonna do my best. Balance. Right. I have been Googling about the mechanics of a bike, rides, etc. Your body literally needs to move with the bike, as I already thought, like you are an extension of the machine. Alright, this is going to be a challenge, maybe. I’ll be damn if I make us fall. Nope. I look at you and smile* Worry naught of my disgraced leg. I am used to it. I will, however. hold on to you, of that’s ok. Let me get on. *with a smooth -hopes- movement, I sling a leg over the pillion. It was easier than I thought.* This is the pillion, is it not? I remember my father calling it like that. It’s a term that comes from the Old Country. *chuckles* I never thought I would ride on a bike. It feels more comfortable than I anticipated. Oh, those foot-pegs are for me, are they not? *places both my foot on them, feeling more comfortable and stable* You are right, it’s like riding a horse, although this is a more powerful one and not as tall *laughs thinking I miss riding a horse* I am as ready as I could be…and...if you don’t mind, I will hold on to you now…

Xhexania: Pillion? I haven’t heard that often in the last few decades, but yes, that’s the correct term. *The wave of guilt is unexpected. You’ve clearly been reading up on motorcycles in preparation for this ride. I could blame the miserable winter we’ve had, but that’s no excuse for not spending time with you before this.* I would suggest you don’t try posting though. We’ll be going faster than a trot. If you want me to slow down, squeeze, but I’ll start slow. *I kick the Ducati to life, feeling the engine vibrate through my body. I give you a few moments to adapt to the sensation before I head slowly to the gate, resisting my urge to gun the engine, and not just because I still have to make my way through the mhis and several more gates.*

Autumn:*Listens carefully all your instructions. I need to do as said so I won't get us in an accident or worse. I nod slowly as I hold on to you. Being this close is like holding you, something I am sure you'll never let me do it so I am going to try and enjoy every angle of this ride. I take a deep breath as the powerful engine comes alive. I like the sound. That surprises me. I might enjoy this more than I could have ever anticipated.* Very well then, I think I got this. Ready when you are and please, don't spare me. I want to fully enjoy this moment with you. If I ever get scared, I will squeeze you but I have a feeling that won't be necessary. I have utterly faith in you, Xhexania, so...let's both enjoy the ride. Perhaps I can offer you afterward a cup of hot chocolate or coffee or some food before you leave for the day... *thinking I need to tell you about the whole feeding sitch* ah..if you want and have time, of course.

Xhexania: I think a hot drink sounds like a great idea. Especially after the ride gets windy. Hold tight, mahmen. *We both have a second chance here, and I need to start taking advantage of it as I steer us through the first gate and into DM’s*

Autumn: *I smile so wide my cheeks hurt when you not only agreed to my suggestion but call me mahmen. This is already a great night, from now forward, whatever happens it's a bonus. Off we go through the first gate and into our DMs*

[loverreborn-blog]

A trip to the Far Side, anyone?

*Sits up in my bed, sweat covering me. I had another of those awful nightmares. It felt so vivid, it took me back to those days when I was chained ..and abused. Tears streaming down my face, my heart racing. I wake up and pace furiously around my bedroom. I feel lightheaded, a mix between the nightmare and my general weakness. I didn’t have to feed in the Far Side. I need to feed now. Oh dear Virgin in the Fade. What am I going to do?

I have considered talking to @Xhex_BDBRW. She has to know what to do. No only because she and #John are in a time out, but before #John? Yeah, she had a plan and I am willing to bet she still has a plan. I don’t want to put her in that spot though. I’m afraid I will broach a very sensitive subject, besides, I've promised myself that I won’t be a burden to her. I have been able to hide from her my episode with @Tohr_BDBRW. Probably because her mind is too busy dealing with her issues with #John. Whatever the case,  I will tell her my plan to go back to the Far Side for a while. I cannot just disappear. It won’t be fair to her. I have to tell #Wrath and @Beth_BDBRW, as well.

What a mess. I really don’t want @Tohr_BDBRW in the middle of all this. He made it very clear. As if I needed to hear that I’m not #Wellsie. I wouldn’t ask him to feed me. Ever. I thought about it. Particularly after my talk with #Lassiter. I promised him I would help @Tohr_BDBW but I don’t see how that’s going to work. @Torh_BDBRW is a warrior. He bonded with his female. This is not going to work. I don’t know what #Lassiter thought or rather thinks of me and @Tohr_BDBRW but, whatever it is, the angel needs to adjust his perspective. I don’t think I am what @Tohr_BDBRW needs, let alone seeks. His words and actions were clear. I saw disgust and hate in his eyes. I wasn’t trying anything. He took it all wrong. To think he reacted that way for nothing? I don't want to know how he would react if I ask him directly to feed me. Even from the wrist. Because I wouldn’t feed from a male any other way. A wrist is already something that I’m not sure I will be able to handle. The proximity, the scents, the sounds. Shakes head a covers my face with my hands. I'm scarred for life. Both physically and emotionally. What am I going to do? I feel so weak already and tired. I need to put an end to it before it's too late and I’ll make a fool of myself. The first thing I’m going to do come the sunset is to call @Xhex_BDBRW and let her know my trip to the Far Side for a while.  I hope @ScribeV_BDBRW won’t reject me. Not because I can’t handle rejection. Snorts. That’s the story of my life. I really need to feel better soon. I cannot feed from any male around. In fact, I’m not sure I want to feed. Period. That proximity to a male...No no no.

I look at the clock on the nightstand. Great. 2 pm. Sunset cannot come fast enough, it seems. I step inside the bathroom and turn on the shower spray. I need a shower and new pajamas. Maybe then, I will be able to go back to sleep. Nightmares free. I should be that lucky. Right*

-Autumn

[loverreborn-blog]

Regrets and more regrets. Tohr's Solo 05-28-13

*Running on the treadmill, in the gym. I have no idea how long I have been in here. I can't feel anything. I don't know how exhausted I am. I have the perfect double play going on...my body and soul are tired. My brain will not shut up and my give a damn is busted. My life could not be any more fucked up than it is now. I am supposed to have my shit together. I am supposed to be the one in control, not the loose canon. I am supposed to do the right thing. I am supposed to come home every night to my loving shellan, Wellsie and our son. I am walking a tightrope here. I am trying to get better, to help my Brothers  win this war against the lessers. The lessers, who took everything away from me and restarted my life. I really did not need them to do that. Things were perfect.

I increase the incline and speed on the treadmill, and take a large drink of water, ignoring #Lassiter, who is examining his reflection in the mirrors. I hate that angel. He should have left me to die, but he didn't. He dragged my ass back here. I do thank #Lassiter for waking me up, getting me to realize that I have to get back in the game of life. To fight and be alive, because that would be the best way to honor the memory of my loved ones. I was clinging to the thread, that somehow, fighting in this war, would stop the nightmares, and somehow set my #Wellsie and my son free. If only it were that easy. All of that is enough for me to deal with.

Now, there is @NoOne_BDBRW . I don't know what my body is thinking. I didn't know I would respond that way to another female. Everything is so complicated. I was trying to help her. My temper got the best of me. What was I thinking??! My body is such a traitor! What I felt, and all the things I said to @NoOne_BDBRW , both were completely wrong. I increase the speed and incline of the treadmill again,  just let the sound of my feet hitting the rubber accompy my thoughts for a bit. I do not know how much time goes by, or the distance I've run, until I get to the conclusion that I have to find @NoOne_BDBRW and apologize. She is a female of worth, and the way I respond to her, is not her fault. I have to get control of myself. I am insulting #Wellsie, and @NoOne_BDBRW by acting this way.

I turn the treadmill off, breathing hard, covered in sweat, grab a towel, and drink some water. I have to figure this out. I have to be a male of worth, have a conversation with @NoOne_BDBRW , and tell her I didn't mean it. She  has enough to deal with, and she works so hard here, she has her  own burden. Our past is our past. The fact that @NoOne_BDBRW is here, after what she did, and #Wellsie is not, makes me angry, but through watching her, talking to her, getting reacquainted with her, I am glad that she was given another turn at life. She is deserving. Whatever else I feel for her, I will have to handle. I go off to the weight benches to lift some weights,and to think about how I am going to approach @NoOne_BDBRW . At least I can work on eating and building myself up so I can be a better Brother,and a better example for #JohnMatthew. It will be the quickest way to get #Lassiter to leave me alone, maybe. I continue to work out as my thoughts continue to run around in my head*

Tohrment, Son of Hharm.

[loverreborn-blog]

I am in Dhunhd.

@NoOne_BDBRW: *Smiles as I bow to @Vishous_BDBRW in a sign of thanks. The past two hours I have been bombarding him with questions, not only about computers, but about a little project I have in hands. He verily is a male of worth. And by himself. Despite who his mahmen is. He might be "dark", and his tattoos certaily don't help much, but I can see his heart, and despite his pain, he is a pure as his diamond eyes. I am glad he has finally found the female that loves him as deep as he loves her back. Closing the door of the Pit carefully, I head toward the Mansion with a mission. I need to talk with @Tohr_BDBRW. As @Vishous_BDBRW has pointed out, he is an expert on this matter and I can only hope he will have the time to spare and help me with my project. Patting my robe's pocket, a smile makes an entrance on my face. For the first time in, well...ever, I find myself content, and actually a bit agitated and excited about this all. Opening the door that leads to the foyer, I stop myself and breathe deeply My hands trembling a bit. I know that @Tohr_BDBRW is in the TV Room. Thanks to @Vishous_BDBRW and his CCTV. And even though I am totally convinced about this, still, I don't know the way he might react. Shakes head and heads into the TV room, quietly, and finds @Tohr_BDBRW sat on the armchair, drinking a beer while arguing with #Lassiter who is lying down on the couch. I lower the hood from over my head as I speak* Good afternoon...

@Tohr_BDBRW: *sitting in the living room, relaxing after spending some time in the gym, I am trying to annoy the hell out of Lassiter and make him leave me the hell alone for 5 minutes. He is insisting on watching Oprah, and I am grabbing the remote, turning it to the Military Channel, making him threaten all kinds of creative ways to ensure I will not be able to turn the channel anymore, we are trading insults back and forth when..my body notices a female entering the room before she even speaks..and I curse myself. My body is a traitor. It shouldn't be feeling this way. #Wellsie is gone. I hear @NoOne_BDBRW speak and turn towards her, straighten up my position on the couch. At least Lassiter has moved and is quiet, I nod* Good afternoon...*searches for something else to say, I am not sure how I can help her*

@NoOne_BDBRW: *Smiles as I nod, not sure what to say next, but I need to let it all out, maybe at once, or else I might turn around and walk away* I hope I am not interrupting anything...I would like to speak with you, if you have time now. It will be short....we .we can talk here, should you want to...*nods and tries to keep it together*

@Tohr_BDBRW: *swallows hard, forcing back the thoughts of how different your scent is than #Wellsie 's, and that makes it a good thing, I don't even register how quiet #Lassiter is being* Yes...of course you can speak to me. What is it? Is something the matter? *looks concerned and stands up from the couch*

@NoOne_BDBRW: *Looking at the panic in your eyes, I should have known better.* Oh no, no please. Everything is fine, Tohrment. It is just something I would like to ask you, about a project I am about to start. Or rather, I would like to buy something for mine daughter. I spoke with @Vishous_BDBRW and he suggested me to talk with you. That is all...*smiles*

@Tohr_BDBRW: *surprised as I hear you mention @Vishous_BDBRW , wondering what he has been up to, what this could be about* Ok...I have time...what is it that you are looking to buy @Xhex_BDBRW ? What kind of project? *my mind running, ready to take notes, formulate a plan, for once my mind away from #Wellsie, focused on the female in front of me*

@NoOne_BDBRW:  *smiles as I take this picture http://tinyurl.com/ansxvdu  out of my pocket and hands it to you* I know how much she loves her motorcycle. And I understand this is what's called vintage. @Vishous_BDBRW thinks it is a good find, but that will require some repair, new pieces and, ah, well, someone that knows all about it..So..he told me, you are the expert...and I was wondering, if you could help me with it...Also, @Vishous_BDBRW said that if you need help, he will be glad to help you out....and...that's that...I have been working harder and longer, and I have saved all the money...so I think I can cover it...but I need you to help me....if you have time..and if you don't want to do it, I can understand. It won't be a problem at all. I will not take it personally. *nods and hopes you really can help me out*

@Tohr_BDBRW: *takes the piece of paper from your hands, carefully, and I look the listing over...it is a beautiful piece of machinery...I can see it needs a little work, but it will be worth it, to keep my hands and mind busy. I also realize the determination and strength that you have, in approaching me. Something, of course..that reminds me, once again, of  #Wellsie . Ignoring the guilt that washes through me, I nod* I can help you. Don't worry about the money. We will need to go to the computer in my office, to research, and coordinate everything...*takes a deep breath and motions to the stairway that leads upstairs, as I walk forward, wondering if you will follow me, I don't even see the smug look on #Lassiter 's face*

@NoOne_BDBRW: *Looking at your face while you look at the picture, I can see you like what you are seeing, but there is a lot of conflict in your eyes, too. I guess, you might feel guilty, kind of cheating to #Wellsie. This was a bad idea. I should have known better. I take abruptly the paper off your hands and excuse myself.*I do not need nor seek your money, Tohrment. It's fine, worry not. I know you are very busy. My apologies. And sorry to disturb you while in your free time, if you excuse me, I have to go now. *turns around, putting the piece of paper inside my robe's pocket, I start walking toward the kitchen. An herbal infusion will help to calm my nerves down while I think of a plan B. I cannot give back to mine daughter all those years we have lost. But at least I can try to be her friend. And I would like to give her this motorcycle. Maybe she will like it and in a way, she will take a piece of me with her, everywhere*

@Tohr_BDBRW: *a little shocked as you take the paper out of my hands, I know somehow that I have to stop you from going, although this reminds me of when I bought the Corvette* I insist...let me help you...I am not busy...stop. Just...follow me to my office? *my head pounds as I figure this out, I just know somehow..it is right, that I should do this* 

@NoOne_BDBRW: *I freeze as I hear your words. Sweet Virgin of the Fade should know why, but I did, nonetheless. I nod under my hood, too afraid to look back into your eyes.* Very well, then. But...don't think you can give me orders, Tohrment. I am way past that age. Lead the way...

@Tohr_BDBRW: *laughs to myself, at this spirit, taking me back to another memory, of you when you stayed with #Darius and I took care of you when you were pregnant with @Xhex_BDBRW , this strength, that I've always admired, that I found in #Wellsie.* I won't give you orders...except that I will tell you that you work too hard. *starts heading up the steps towards my room* I think it is a great idea for you to want to do this for @Xhex_BDBRW * pauses a bit as I think, wrap my head around the situation as we enter my room, thinking a female hasn't entered my room since..well...#Wellsie*

@NoOne_BDBRW: *Walking behind you, I don't understand why we are not heading toward your office. But I guess I will find out, pretty soon* Thank you. I can't give her back all those years without a mahmen, but I can try to become a friend..or at least, I am trying umm, Tohrment? I thought we were going to your office...*swallows hard as I stop at the door, since I have never entered a male's room before. Ever*

@Tohr_BDBRW: Nope...to my room...*thinking that I am not sure why I am doing this, but I don't want us to be in my office, it is too public* we can use the computer up here. *stops at my door and pushes it open, motions you in* I think we need to pull up the ad first and then I should email him. We should figure out what questions you ask, what you want to know...and I think he needs to come down on the price. Perhaps he will let us see the bike in person..* goes over to my desk in my room, turning on my laptop, focuses, almost forgetting that you probably want a chair to sit down in, with that leg of yours* Let me get you a chair...

@NoOne_BDBRW: *Follows your movements with my eyes, but totally frozen at the entrance of your door. Not sure if I should get in, or not. But since we are here..I take a small step and gets inside your bedroom. Full of your scent, a big picture of #Wellsie on your nightstand. I feel so small compared to your pool-size bed. This is not a good idea. I -we - will feel more comfortable in your office.* I think we should go to your office, I...I will feel better there, I mean, unless you don't want to be seen in public with me...

@Tohr_BDBRW: *finds a chair and carries it over for you to sit in* why would someone not want to be seen in public with you? You, well..*not sure what to say, exactly how to put it, I find you beautiful, I can think that, because you are nothing like how my #Wellsie was, I change the subject* You are safe here...sit down and relax, you should get off that leg...* thinking I should give you space, I sit down, composed on my chair, typing in my password on my computer, and going to the address I see on the ad for the Ducati, pulling the ad up* What are the most important things you want this bike to have for @Xhex_BDBRW ?

@NoOne_BDBRW: *I sit down and try to relax. I don't want to make the situation more awkward than already is. I hand you the paper, again and wait for you to look it up on the net* I want it to be as beautiful as is on the outside, well, on the inside. I know likes to ride on motorcycles, so I want it perfect, worthy of her. As new as possible. @Vishous_BDBRW has said, and I quote: "it is in mint condition"... whatever that supposed to mean....

@Tohr_BDBRW: *finds the ad online and clicks on the picture, enlarging it on my computer, my eyes roaming over the image intently* It looks..nearly perfect, but..you don't know what is happening with the bike until you start it, listen to the motor, take it out. I think I should email the owner, and arrange to meet with him..*I pause* maybe you would want to come..*turns away, still not sure why I am doing this, my mind and my body is completely confused* That way..I will know the price that we should pay him...

@NoOne_BDBRW: *Going out? with you? Sweet Virgin of the Fade, that would be...well, that would be really great. I try to restrain my my enthusiasm, as I look at you* Well, then ..we should go, I guess? I do not know of these things....*sighs deeply as I fidget with the tip of my belt* I don't have anything appropriate to wear..I don't think it would be wise to wear this robe..

@Tohr_BDBRW: Well..*laughs awkwardly as I run a hand through my hair* we have to wait until the seller responds, confirm a time...you could borrow some clothes from the females, shellans here...you should dress warm...*my eyes roam down to where you are playing with your belt, trying to ignore how my body is responding to yours being so near and in my space, trying to ignore the burn of wanting, and I frown deep as I push the thoughts of #Wellsie way back into my mind*

@NoOne_BDBRW: *I can feel your eyes all over me, and I feel a warm sensation inside me. That scares me. Deeply. I try to ignore the tone in your voice.* I will speak with @Beth_BDBRW I am sure she will be candid enough to help me with some clothing..I hope. *rubs my bad leg, absently. The itchiness bothers me more than usual, but it's something I'm, sadly, used to already*So..what's next?

@Tohr_BDBRW: *watches your hand as it rubs your bad leg, I am distracted. I try to keep my focus, but, my control is definitely breaking. I can barely get out the words.* Yes..@Beth_BDBRW is great, she will help you. *my eyes turn to you, because something inside of me has definitely broken. I swallow hard, and I can not control what I do next. My body is somehow drawn to yours. My hand drifts over to where I see you touch your leg, and I find myself wanting to replace your hand with mine. And that is what I do..one of my hands reaches down and I take your bad leg in my hand. My mind is completely overwhelmed. I slowly rub your leg, feeling the weight of it and the skin, right there, underneath all this fabric, and I start to shake a little with all of these sensations running through my body, I am speechless*

@NoOne_BDBRW: * I smile at you and then lower my head, down to watch my hand as it rubs my leg. This leg is giving me a hard time....Out of the blue, all I can see is your massive hand replacing mine, as it rubs my leg. It feels so good...that my core blooms for the very first time. Ever. I freeze and panic at the same time. I stand abruptly, pushing the chair so hard it falls. I put my hood back on. I don't know what to do. All I want is run, as fast as I can. I am totally ashamed. I know for sure, my scent should be all over your room by now. And your nose works just fine. I turn around, and try to open the door, but my hands are wet. In fact, I'm heavily sweating ,I can feel the robe sticked against my back. The door knob slips, twice. Goddamned, I need to get out of here. Now*

@Tohr_BDBRW: *I don't even notice you freeze, the only thing that brings my mind back fully in control is the sound of the chair falling and hitting the floor, also..your scent hits my nose. My cock gets instantly hard and I become all too aware that what I am feeling is not fair to the memory of #Wellsie. I have let myself down, I have let the memory of #Wellsie, my perfect shellan, completely down, with how I am responding to you, and I growl deep, jumping up out of my own chair, completely shaking as I begin to pace my room wildly* Get out of my room!! What are you trying to do, take her place?? *seething, I walk over to the door that you are having trouble with, opening it, crowding you with my body* #Wellsie was a better female than you will ever be! Get out! *mad at you, mad at myself, I slam the door in my DMs after you exit, out of control*

@NoOne_BDBRW: *Tears stream down my face, both of pain and fear. I remember the last time when someone treated me like you are treating me now. It did not end well, for me. I feel your body behind me, and your hand over mine and you grab the door knob and open the door. As soon as it does, I run. Crying, for you, for #Wellsie, for @Xhex_BDBRW , for me...for my goddamned existence. I open the door of my bedroom and slams it behind me. My legs fail me, and I fall on my knees, weeping, in the darkness of my room...of my life and of my DMs* #BDBRW #BDB

[loverreborn-blog]

So Much More That What I Deserve.

@Xhex_BDBRW: *Driving through the last of the series of gates leading to the Brotherhood mansion, I pull my Ducati up close to the door. Straightening my jacket as I climb the stairs, I try not to think about where John Matthew might be. I’ll have better odds of getting my cilices back without him here. We have an agreement about getting together to feed, but that’s about the only thing we’ve managed to agree on lately. Entering the vestibule, I smooth my hair down before putting my face to the camera and waiting for the doggen. I do not need to be questioned by any of the Brothers, or worse, their shellans. I try not to let my relief show as Fritz shows me inside.* I don’t want to bother anybody Fritz, just looking for some of my stuff that might have got left here when I was injured. John Matthew thought it might have gotten stored where I was being stitched up? *Bobbing happily, Fritz leads me through to the office of the training facility before excusing himself to return to his duties. Nice and quick, no complications, like John Matthew showing up to argue with me about my cilices again. So why do I feel disappointed? Cursing the fucking hormones that have me chicking out, I head down the hall to do what I came here for.*

@NoOne_BDBRW: *Pushing the laundry cart down the hall, after the third load of towels are already cleaned and folded. Limping my way through, my bad leg has given me a hard time, lately. Also this heavy robe doesn’t help the case. Shaking my head slowly, grateful to be here, and also to be of help, sort of.  I need to keep my mind occupied. Right. Coward. I came to this side to make amends with mine Daughter, and I haven’t done anything. But how could I? I cannot blame her. I orphaned her when she was a young, with no means to fend for herself. Granted I knew Darius and @Tohr_BDBRW would make sure she was safe. And they did. Back then, I thought, that was the best thing I could have done for her. But I am not sure anymore. Now, she is not only messed up, but she has to put up with the shame of having a mahmen like me. That’s why I did what I did. But the @ScribeV_BDBRW didn’t respect my wishes. After all I went through with that….that monster…it wasn’t enough, she had to bring me back. And now, I am here, not knowing what to do, or how to do it. I know she is suffering. Things aren’t working out with #JohnMatthew as good as they should. But I am not surprised. I know mine Daughter. I have followed her every movement in life. Plus, mahmen knows best. It was bound to happen. They are two warriors. And as much as #JohnMatthew knew it, he is also a full bonded male. I knew it would come to this. But I know, they will work it out. They love each other deeply. It’s only a matter of time. But, what do I know about life?. Sighs heavily as I stop in front of the Gym. I need to pick up all the towels in the Lockers’ room. Pushing the heavy door with my back as I drag the laundry cart inside. I am determined to finish this and then go for a swim. This heavy robe is killing me and my bad leg will appreciate the exercise*

@Xhex_BDBRW: *Praying that @DocJane_BDBRW isn’t one to keep things in her operating room that don’t belong there, I skip the full medical experience and push my way into a locker room. Because what the hell else are going to do with patients’ self-torture devices except lock them up until the patient reclaims them. Despite all the stories about @Vishous_BDBRW I feel pretty safe that he has more than enough implements of pain without snagging mine. Then again, I rather ask him if he’s seen my cilices around than have to ask John Matthew about them. Right. The sane part of me knows he probably already threw those bitches in the trash to keep them off my thighs. So why the hell am I here? Can’t be because I’m expecting him to show up any second. Slamming the locker doors open one after the other, I feel my temper rising at every empty locker. I should leave right now. Save my dignity, or whatever I have left. I want to yell at #JohnMatthew for making me come out here instead of answering my texts. I want to lock both of us in his room and not come out for days. I want to kick his ass for being the one male to finally make me feel something more than lust. I want to pick the locks on the last three lockers and stop obsessing over John Matthew. Two combinations and one key. Pulling out my lockpicks, I start on the keyed lock. My symphath side is picking up on another grid down here, so I need to work quickly instead of answering awkward questions.*

@NoOne_BDBRW: * Leaves the laundry cart in the Gym, and lowers my hood, my long blonde hair bundled in a braided ponytail is making me sweat. Pats my face softly to dry up the sweat off my forehead with the back of my robe’s sleeve as I push the door of the lockers’ room open only to freeze on the spot. I put on my hood quickly, no need for @Xhex_BDBRW to see my face. My heart takes off, and I am pretty sure she can hear it too. Regardless, I stand still, raising my eyes to meet hers. A perfect mirror that reflects my grey eyes, back. And in this moment, I feel something that is shaking the very core of my heart. Pride. Somehow, I love that she has my eyes. At least, I gave her something…Takes a deep breath before I speak. I am sure she is looking for something, and it must be very important for her to be here. In truth, all I want is to hug her, to kiss her forehead, and to hold her tight and close. To tell her that everything will be fine. That her male will come round, eventually. But I cannot do that. I don’t deserve it. Be brave, talk to your daughter….* Greetings, Xhexania. It is so lovely to see you. How are you on this fine day? *smiles under my hood, hoping I will deserve some attention from you*

@Xhex_BDBRW: *Freezing as I hear the door to the locker room open, I slip the lockpicks up my sleeve. At least nobody is swearing, asking me what the hell I’m doing, so it’s most likely a doggen. Expecting to see one of the staff, I frown at the slight figure draped in black. I’ve heard the stories about @ScribeV_BDBRW, but I doubt that is the female in front of me. Without my good cilices, reading her grid requires little effort. The pride she feels while looking at me makes no sense.  And neither does her grid. People’s grids can be similar through experiences, but this grid… her grid… The base of her grid is so much like my own. Family. And not the symphath side. It takes a minute to realize she used my full name, something I haven’t done in ages.* Who are you? How do you know me? *And while I’m assaulting people with questions, maybe I could try some manners? So her grid is close enough to my own that the only explanation is that my dead mother is standing in front of me. That’s a very good reason to try being polite instead of using my usual threats and knives.* Please. I need to know.

@NoOne_BDBRW: *My heart stopped at her words. Sadness overtakes me so hard, I feel the same pain as when I buried @Tohr_BDBRW ‘s dagger in my chest, so many years ago. Although this time, her words are the dagger.  What should I tell her? How do I tell her. Swallowing hard, every single memory of what happened in my life make an entrance to defeat me. To put me on my knees, one more time. But I am here. And this is the moment I had replayed in my head thousand times. It all comes down to this. Right here. Right now. I have been hiding long enough. I came here with a resolution, and I am going to keep the promise to myself. No more excuses. For better or for worse, she deserves to know the truth. I don’t deserve her forgiveness nor I seek for it, either. I have to take a deep breath to calm down. My hands are shaking so badly that I fear I am not going to be able to speak properly. I lower my hood slowly, as my eyes are locked on hers. Those same eyes that are telling me so much, she knows….dear Virgin of the Fade, she knows…* I am No’One. Formerly known as *swallows harder* ..as Rosalhynda. And the answer is yes. I am your birth mahmen. *Blinks rapidly, trying to clear up my watery eyes. Last thing we both need is my personal drama*

@Xhex_BDBRW: *Too much pain. Too much grief. My symphath side wants to tug every thread of it until the grid collapses. It would be so easy… Clamping my hands down on my thighs one of the cilices pops open again, but my hands are driving the barbs deeper, keeping me from showing this female the same cruelty she experienced from my symphath father. Her hands shake as she lowers her hood, and no wonder at that. Half-symphath is like saying half-sociopath; it’s a nice sentiment, but it won’t save anyone. She must be as terrified of me now as when she brought me into this world. We have the same eyes. At least we do when I don’t have my father’s eyes. Her face is a softer version of my own, rounded, delicate, more clearly feminine. The name No’One triggers my memory. She came from the Other Side with Payne. Easing back onto a bench I’m careful to keep my distance, keep my motions non-threatening and my voice even.* Would you like to sit down? I’ll stay at this end of the bench, I swear. I know you were over with the Chosen, but that doesn’t really explain how you’re here. I was told you had gone into the Fade birthing me. *Not really a question, but I get the feeling @NoOne_BDBRW will bolt if I try demanding answers.*

@NoOne_BDBRW: *Looking at mine Daughter, trying not to faint or do something stupid that will disgust her further. Her facial expressions telling me more than I was ready to bear. But she has the right to know. Everything. I left her as an act of love. I could have ended my life when I knew I was carrying her. Took both our lives. But it seemed selfish and more over, despite all the torture I did suffer with that monster, once I knew I had her inside me, I loved her without any reserve. Something I would have thought next to impossible yet it was, very possible indeed. I thought the best for her was taking myself out of the equation. She would be raised by someone whom love her and protect her. She didn’t need to see and know what I went through and that she was the result of it. I would never admit I took my life because I couldn’t bear the shame. I did it for her. So she would have the chance to live without all that psychological garbage. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe she really needed me. To understand her two sides… I don’t know and it’s too late for that. Collecting my thoughts as I hear your question. Battling with the memories of it all, I take a deep breath before I sit down on the other side of the bench. More for your own good than mine. All I want to do is hold you, but I understand I lost the right to do it all those years ago. Looking at my intertwined hands as I speak* I took my own life but the Scribe Virgin didn’t let me to go to the Fade. She took it as an offense *laughs sarcastically* and as a penance she took me to the Other Side to serve the Chosen. I was always fond of Payne and in disagreement of the treatment she received from her mahmen. That thought made me think of myself and through Payne’s courage I decided to come to this side too, to find my way back to you *turns my head towards you and looks into your beautiful grey eyes * I expect nothing from you because I don’t deserve it. I just wanted to be near you, if that’s ok, but I don’t want you to feel obligated, Xhexania…you have enough on your plate as it is…*hopes at least you will grant me this*

@Xhex_BDBRW: *Hard as I try, I can’t stop from seeing the flood of images through your mind. The ones that jump out from you, clawing for attention, drawing my symphath side, calling out to dig deeper until you scream. A mansion, a monster. A younger @Tohr_BDBRW and a male that looks so much like John Matthew that it must be his father. A blade in your chest while a young cries as the two males try to make you stay. So much that runs through your mind as I wait, doing my best to let you share whatever you choose without burrowing in your head to find it myself. Turning your words over, I have no idea how to handle what you’ve shared or what you’re asking. Sarcasm and humor are the choice of the emotionally deficient.* I’ve heard that @ScribeV_BDBRW is a control freak who will smite anyone who dares to question her. *Breaking eye contact I duck my head to scrub my hand over my short hair.* Look, I didn’t do very well as a daughter to the vampire couple who raised me. Not sure I’ll do any better now. I guess we can try spending some time talking or whatever. Fuck, I don’t really get why you’d want to…

@NoOne_BDBRW: *My eyes follow your hand as you scrub it over your black hair. I am sure you already have all the answers you needed. Those I spoke out loud and those that I let you take out of my head. Blinks a couple of times, trying to hold back the tears. But dammit, I can’t hold them back anymore. Wipes them off quickly onto my sleeve, but the pain I feel inside me I doubt it will go away, ever* I didn’t do very well as a mahmen, did I? I deserted you and then I took my life. I was angry, for many years with @ScribeV_BDBRW , sometimes, I still am. But for different reasons now. After all, I am here, with you. That’s something I do not deserve, yet it is possible because of her. *takes a deep breath, not sure of how you will take my next words* Xhexania, I am asking nothing of you, I know I can’t. I came to this side without any expectations. I will accept whatever you want to give me. And if you don’t want to be around me, at all, then I will leave this Mansion. No questions asked. The only thing I am sure of is that I don’t want to bring you unhappiness or blame or anything like that. You say the word, and I will accept it. You don’t have to say now….em, I know you are busy and worried with more important things than someone like me. *Stands and walks toward the door, turning back to look at you one more time, because, it might be the very last time.* You know where to find me, should you want it. Verily, I am grateful for these minutes you have spared me. Take care now…*opens the door and walks toward the Gym exit, almost running, as fast as my limp allows me. I have lost control over my emotions, tears stream down my face as I open the door of the Gym and walks towards the Mansion. Hoping I won’t meet anybody on my way to my bedroom.*

@Xhex_BDBRW: *Fucking hell. If I’m not running away from people, I’m driving them to run from me. I don’t even know where or how to begin with this female. My mahmen. I can’t blame her for wanting nothing to do with me, which is exactly why I don’t understand her wanting anything to do with me. Pulling the lockpicks from my sleeve, I glare at the three unopened lockers. They’ll still be here, but the female who just left this room already ran away from life once. She deserves another chance. Standing to follow, I know I can catch her quickly. Maybe sit somewhere more comfortable than a locker room. Have some coffee. I don’t know how to be a daughter, but I can try to be a friend. Catching up, I decide not to comment on your tears.* Is there somewhere we could sit comfortably to talk? I can grab some coffee, tea, something. I’m sure if Fritz is in the kitchen he’ll make a full banquet appear if you want.

@NoOne_BDBRW: *Sobbing without any reservation as I walk toward the Mansion, until I hear your steps behind me. Breathing deep, I wipe off my tears and tries to calm down. For you, for me. This is what I wanted. That’s why I came here. I am blessed that you are giving me this chance, and I don’t want to ruin it. I cannot let you down, twice. Slows my pace until we walk side by side. Without looking at you, I nod absently* Yes, we could. There’s a parlor I like..and it is very private. The library..do you know where it is? You can wait for me there while I make a pot of tea, or coffee, whichever you prefer. No need to have Fritz or any doggen around….emm…no need.  Does it sound reasonable for you, Xhexania?

@Xhex_BDBRW: *Eyeing your gait suspiciously as you offer to fill the role of a doggen, I know you said @ScribeV_BDBRW made you serve the Chosen, but nobody is making you serve here. I’d even bet Fritz has kittens every single time you pick up after yourself, let alone anyone else in the mansion. I’ve never been accused of being nice, but I’m not entirely heartless. You had your reasons for checking out, and after my time at the colony, I’m not one to argue with them. I know the sick shit full-blooded symphaths like to do for fun.* I think I know the parlor you mean. I haven’t spent much time here outside of… *cutting off thoughts of my time here with John Matthew.* Anyway, I did explore. Never know when you might need a quick exit after all. So why I don’t I just bring some coffee and some tea? I don’t know what I expect to come of all this, but I’m willing to try and see what happens. If you are.

@NoOne_BDBRW: *Nods solemnly* I…I would like that, very much. I only want to get to know you and for you to know me better. Like you just said, let’s try and see where this leads us. No compromise. I know you are busy and ..*chokes back my words, I don’t want to bring up John Matthew unless you want to talk about it* and yes, I would love to know more about your days, should you want to share with me. I don’t know anything about what’s outside the Compound’s walls, so it will be a refreshing conversation…and..you can ask me anything…anything..I will try to answer all your question the best I can… *smiles under my hood*

@Xhex_BDBRW: *Smiling tightly, I nod in response. Girl talk. Who the fuck would have guessed that?* I’ll be right back, you get comfortable. You know, the nights are getting longer. Maybe we could leave the Compound one night. * Considering your robe briefly* Even just to get out for a ride. The human world has got a lot more crowded, but we could even do the shopping thing if you wanted. *Fuck. Did I just volunteer to take my mahmen out shopping for clothes? Don’t quite think she’ll be up for my usual wardrobe of leathers and muscle shirts, but that robe doesn’t seem comfortable.* For now though, coffee, tea and a side of whatever pastries #Fritz has waiting to be inhaled by the Brothers. * Smiling again, this one feeling more real I head for the kitchen before joining you in DM’s.*

@NoOne_BDBRW: *Lowers my hood, and locks my eyes on yours, smiling at your words. Perfect, I am kinda sick of this robe already and I have been paid for doing laundry. Fritz has been leaving envelopes with money in my room. I suspect this has something to do with our King, but I rather not ask. I don’t know how much money is in those envelopes but I am sure I will be able to afford some dresses. And lingerie. And a pair of comfy shoes, maybe. At this point I don’t care. What really matter to me if that you want to spend time together, even venture yourself to take me out of the Mansion. I can’t avoid but smile as I nod* I would love that. I have some money, and honestly, I could use something better than this robe. Lighter too. I will be very pleased to share a night out with you. Yes! *shakes head* sorry..yes, I am going to the library now. I’ll be waiting for you there. *I turn around and head for the library to wait for you there in the privacy of our DMs totally content for whatever amount of time you have to spend with me*

[loverreborn-blog]

Two Souls, One Festival ~ Tohr & Autumn's SL 10/7/12

@NoOne_BDBRW: *Pushing the trolley with all the dirty towels I collected in the gym, glad nobody is around. It seems as though the Warriors are having some days of rest. Which is good. This war is too long and too cruel, and they need time with their mates. I wish @Tohr_BDBRW had his mate with him. I am sure, in moments like this, #Wellsie would be the soothing source. Even them, as powerful warriors as they are, need to be held and cared, and loved. Sighing heavily, as I approach @Tohr_BDBRW 's office, hoping I can pass by as quick and quiet as I can, in case he is there. I don't want to bother him with my presence. I have a feeling, he missed his #Wellsie even more on days like this. When everyone gets to enjoy the company of their mates together, but him*

@Tohr_BDBRW: *Sitting in my office, again, the sound of my fingers on the keyboard a comforting sound. I am trying to distract my thoughts It is tough. Days like these. Everyone else is with their mates. I know I would be with my Brothers, with my #Wellsie, Maybe we would still be celebrating, even. She would look perfect. The way she'd make the whole room shine with her presence. Now..all I have is my work, the war, #Lassiter and I have to figure out how to save my #Wellsie, how to set her free. My head pounds as I try not to think of my Brothers, with their females. I hear a noise, in the hallway. I turn and look out my door and I see @NoOne_BDBRW, pushing dirty towels. My mind stills as I think and struggle with the issue of whether I should talk to her. Finally I turn and call out to her.* Not working too hard this evening, are you?

@NoOne_BDBRW *Freezes on the spot as I hear @Tohr_BDBRW 's voice. I can hear his sadness and tiredness on it, too. Shakes my head slowly under my hood and looks at you* Not really...but since it seems the Warriors and their mates are spending some time off, the Compound is busier than usual..*my hands grab the handle of the laundry trolley even harder as I try to relax* I...I don't want to bother them with my presence..*shakes head* anyways, I need to get going...if you would excuse me, I need to clean these towels..

@Tohr_BDBRW: *Wonders why you are so intent on working yourself to the bone, when you are a guest here, you do not need to do anything. I think that it seems we have that in common..getting lost in our work..or is it something more. I just can not think.* Everyone loves you. You belong here...you aren't bothering anybody..*sits up a little straighter in my chair*

@NoOne_BDBRW: *Wanting to leave, but still on the same spot, unable to move* They are kind to me, but they don't know me, and truth be told neither do I...I just don't want them to feel obligated to talk to me, under any circumstances, I am not here for that reason *my heart aches because of my true reason @Xhex_BDBRW so many lies I told to myself, such a coward I am..Feels a sting on my bad leg, and bend myself a bit, opening discreetly the heavy robe with one hand, and rubs it softly. I should leave. Now.. Straightens my robe, looks back at you* Have a good day, Tohrment, I will see you at Last Meal *resumes my walk, slowly, as my bad legs starts to itch again. I seriously need to take care of it as soon as I can. I need to sit down* 

@Tohr_BDBRW: *Watches you, as you are clearly uncomfortable. I know what I want to do. I think this will be ok..if I can just offer you a seat, it wouldn't be cheating on my Wellsie..it is just what a male of worth should do. I clear my throat.* See..*shakes my  my head with concern* you have worked too much....here...*pulls out a chair that is next to me* sit down....towels can wait..

@NoOne_BDBRW: *I know I should continue walking, as if I haven't heard you, but I made a promise to #Lassiter .. against my better judgment, I turn around and gets inside your office, sitting down on the chair you just pulled out for me. Next to you. Sweet Virgin of the Fade. Help me* Thank you...*looks up at you and smiles, l took off my hood, slowly, hoping you won't be disgusted. I need to take care of the itchiness on my bad leg, properly. And I need to pay close attention to open the robe discreetly while sitting next to you* It's this heavy robe, too...it is too hot...and makes my leg itchy, well, more than usual...my scar ..*sighs..what am I saying..you know exactly how my leg is, you were there...you saw all the ugliness..* yeah...well...

@Tohr_BDBRW: *Glad that you have accepted my offer to sit down, feeling that this is awkward for both of us, I try to make it better* You...do not need to wear all of that...not around me, ...*wanting to see you, I know that it is OK if I do, you are not my #Wellsie, but still I try not to react as I see you open your robe, carefully, I feel feelings I do not yet want to admit to myself* You should let @DocJane_BDBRW or #Manny help you with that leg...may I...would you let me help you? *those last few words even surprise myself..not sure I am prepared to help you, but I want to try..maybe this will help my #Wellsie somehow*

@NoOne_BDBRW: *My head spinning, my heart racing, looks up at you, my grey eyes diving deep inside your ocean-like eyes, trying to calm down I am not Wellsie, and I never will* Help me with what?..

@Tohr_BDBRW: *Inches my chair closer to yours, trying not to crowd you, I move slowly to take your bad leg in my hands* I am going to make  it feel better..you should be off your feet more. *gently closes my fingers on your leg, ignoring my body's response, I lift your bad leg up to place it on my lap* This is better than washing dirty towels...*gives you a comforting smile, hoping to make it through this without scaring you or cheating on my Wellsie* Preparations are being started for the Winter Solstice..

@NoOne_BDBRW: *Looks at you, not sure if this closeness is good for any of us, I tremble when you lift up my bad leg on to your lap. I need to swallow hard and breathe deep a couple of times, to calm myself down, surprised you have brought up the upcoming Solstice Festival* Verily, I am very excited...and scared at the same time....I haven't celebrated the Solstice Festival since....ah... lowers my head, trying to push those memories away* I am sure it is going to be a nice time...

@Tohr_BDBRW: *Feels you tremble and I pray to @ScribeV_BDBRW that the bastard #Lassiter is right, that somehow..my path to save Wellsie is through you. Whom I couldn't even save the first time, as this conversation reminds me..all those fall leaves, and the cold ground of that night when I...yeah...my mood threatens to tank but I know I have to try...for Wellsie and my son who are so  so far and cold, I massage the calf of your leg, taking in the shocking pink scar and thin muscle* It will...I was..going  to go pick up some things...if you wanted to help.....

@NoOne_BDBRW: *Feels a cold wave coming off you and I know, you are thinking of Wellsie..but I've promised Lassiter, I would help you. I am doomed already, but if I can save you and Wellsie, then so be it. Smiles* Oh....really? I would like to be of help...if that's your wish, then yes..

@Tohr_BDBRW: Yeah....I think I'd like that..you probably know more about these things than I do..my Wellsie always used to..*stops myself and swallows hard because I know thoughts like that aren't going to help anything, I stop massaging your leg* let's get your coat...we need to go out and get a few crates of apples and then some fabric from a supplier..let me help you up? *still lost in my thoughts but trying to figure this out. I know it is important*

@NoOne_BDBRW: *I forgot how to breathe when you mention Wellsie. It must be so hard for you, I hope #Lassiter is right, and I will be able to help you both...I put my leg down and stand as I put my hood back on. Nods* No need for a coat, this robe is heavy enough...*waits a moment for you to collect your thoughts, hating the silence*Listen, maybe we should leave this for another time..we still have plenty of time. It was lovely to speak with you...I shall leave now...*starts walking toward the door, my heart heavy with sadness, for you, for Wellsie, for myself*

@Tohr_BDBRW: *I quickly walk to the door, knowing I can't let you leave..it would fail me in whatever it is that I need to do for Wellsie, nd I stand in the doorway.* I want to help, I should help...we shouldnt wait. I am sorry if I am crowding you...*moves a  little bit as my head hurts trying to figure this out* let me help you...I know my Wellsie...uh..well she did some work on this Festival but..I don't know...much...what do we need to do?

@NoOne_BDBRW: *Stops myself at the door as you are crowding the doorway. I look up at you, and I can see the sadness and angst all this is causing you* I am sorry, Tohrment, I shouldn't have known better. I know Wellsie was taken from you while she was doing the Festival's preparations..I didn't mean to be cruel, please, believe me. I just forgot...*looks down at my hands, not knowing what else to say or do. Sadness and shame overtake me for my sloppiness*

@Tohr_BDBRW: *Watches the emotions flicker across your face, not knowing what to do at all, I feel bad as I watch you apologize and turn your head toward the ground and your hands* I believe you, ok....can we just...do this, please? I don't think you are cruel...*silently thinking about the fact you were allowed to come back and my #Wellsie wasn't. That..is the cruel part. You taking your life with my dagger,was cruel..* I know it would be good for everyone to have this Festival going...do you know where to start, should we look at books in the library? *steps toward you carefully and takes your hand in mine carefully* You shouldn't look down....ever....

@NoOne_BDBRW: *Listens to your words, my head and heart spinning at the same time, it is so unfair that #Wellsie and your young are gone, and I am here when I took my own life. #Wellsie wanted to live, I wanted to die. So unfair and cruel..makes me angry and to think of the Festival to honor the @ScribeV_BDBRW when she was so unfair to you both....right....I look at your hands and then raises my eyes to yours.I am going to do this, for you, for her. I am not important, but if I can do some good to you both despite my pain, then that's what I am going to do* I don't need to read anything, I have been serving the Chosen for so long, that I know exactly what to do. Should we ask the King if he agrees? maybe someone, more appropriate can help you, us...I can be in the shadows, to not offend...

@Tohr_BDBRW: *Shakes my head and sets my jaw firmly* No..Wrath is busy...I know he wants this Festival done, with everything going on with the Glymera, he thinks this will help get them off his back, and bring the race together more as a whole. You are smart...you don't need to be in the shadows...and you aren't likely to offend anyone. That is #Lassiter's job. Or @Rhage_BDBRW 's. I can take you wherever we need to go to get everything. I think we need to place orders for apples, right? *thinks and paces a little, trying to pull strength from my memory of #Wellsie, and struck  by your grace and beauty, how different...it's striking* we can go out....

@NoOne_BDBRW: *My eyes never leaving yours while you talk, I can hear your determination as much as I hear your sadness. I pray #Lassiter is right, or things are going to get ugly, for nothing* Alright, then...we need to order the apples, that's the first thing. Then we can organize the ceremony, the food to be served, the parlour in which we will honor the @ScribeV_BDBRW....yes? *frowns* going out? as in you and me, out there? I wouldn't know where to go...I am afraid..

@Tohr_BDBRW: You don't need to be afraid....you will be with me. I will protect you...*my mind flashes to that whole period I protected you while waiting for the young to be born..I can only hope to do a  better job this time. That thought is painful in and of itself. Despite my best efforts, I can't seem to protect the females I...love. Loved. I can't even figure it out. Whether it be not guarding my dagger well enough, not putting chains on tires, or simply not being home* There is a Farmer's Market...we can arrange to have the amount of apples we need....*doing this not to honor the @ScribeV_BDBRW but just to prove I can get through it* then..we can figure out...where to hold it..and I don't know much about organizing the  ceremony but I am good at organizing schedules...*gazing back into your eyes* come on...we can do this....

@NoOne_BDBRW: *Looks up at you as your words come out of your mouth with a bitter tone on them, and I know what you must be thinking; Protection...I am sure you feel less of a male right now because of what happened to #Wellsie...you are a warrior, the word protection is more than a word, is an instinct, a way of living. I have no doubts you can protect me, none. I just wish I could say something that, somehow, would comfort you. But I know, there's nothing I can do nor say to comfort you, because I have been there, and not even you, or #Darius, could made me change my mind.....I feel a sting in my heart and all of a sudden I can't breathe, and this goddamned robe doesn't help either. Sweet Virgin of the Fade, I need to get a grip of myself. Rubbing my arms, I look back at you, and take a deep breath before I speak* Maybe we could go to the library, the table there is big enough, we can sit and I will make a list of what we need so you can figure it out where to get the items? *hesitates and then swallows hard* Um, your office seems to be too crowded with important documents, so...we could order a tea and some toast...or not....what do you think? shall we?

@Tohr_BDBRW: *Trying to figure out these emotions going on in my damned head, I want to go with this female, so different from my #Wellsie..but for fuck's sake...something about makes me feel..yeah I am not going there right now. This has nothing to do with what I want. It is what I need to do. Why the hell am I thinking any other way, damn it..how could I treat my #Wellsie this way..#Lassiter better be right...I don't care right now that I am crowding you but my manners come back online and I check myself before I speak* Yes...*finally realizing how uncomfortable you are* Let's go to the library..I..I am sorry...yes..I need a list and we can figure out where to go..yeah...*swallows hard and sighs as I nod towards you* Let's go...you could use some tea and food..*doesn't know whether to offer you..a hand up or something, I want to, I don't know why I want to...but I do, I offer my arm to you to help  you stand* Come on.... 

@NoOne_BDBRW: *Looks up at you and then at your extended arm, all in slow motion, images of when I was carrying my young, in that cabin, you and Darius, all the help and care you gave me....I'll be damned but #Wellsie has a chance and I am going to help you. No matter what....nor how...even if that means you have to use me...after what happened to me with that symphath, it is a miracle you still look at me without repulsion...or maybe you do but you are stuck with me, as much as #Wellsie is stuck up there...wherever she and the young are....sighting heavily, I grab your arm for support and stands slowly, then I straighten my robe as I speak with determination* Lead the way, Tohrment.

@Tohr_BDBRW: *Getting control of myself, putting my head back in the game, I mind my manners and lead us to the library in DMs, prepared to work with you, to get the Winter Solstice Festival going, the irony of the situation burning in the back of my mind, along with everything else..*

@NoOne_BDBRW: *Follows you quietly, feeling we just gave the first steps to something beyond my comprehension and possibly, beyond yours, too. But not turning back, too late now. Thinking about all the things we need for the Winter Solstice Festival and the time we are going to spend together doing so, while walking to the Library's DMs* 

[loverreborn-blog]

Memories, bloody memories..Tohr's Solo ~ 09/08/12

*Pinching the bridge of my nose, I stare at the computer in my office. Click clicking through webpages. I am supposed to be going through emails. I am supposed to be making the strategy for next week's rotation. I am supposed to be researching something for #Wrath. I have a lot of responsibilities. A warrior. A male of worth. I have to keep focused. I have to keep moving. There has to be something I can do to save her.

To save Wellsie. My head pounds at my lack of sleep.I try to ignore #Lassiter but I swear if he does not shut up or stay still..so help me I am going to extinguish that glow of his. Install a dimmer switch. Something. If he can't understand that he should leave me and my property alone. He keeps opening all of my drawers and closets..."What's in here?" "Why do you need so many legal notepads anyway? haven't you heard of the paperless office?" I turn to him and I am not shocked to find myself  growl back at him*  Get the hell out of my office. Aren't you late for Maury? *I tune #Lassiter out as I stare at my screen.

The glow all around me of the screen just taunts me. I can't stand this. I don't know what more I can do, I wish #Wellsie could tell me..she is getting farther and farther away in the vision that replays in my head night after night.. I know..by the color of her hair...god damn it. I swear. I don't even want to acknowledge to myself that I can barely even see the color of her hair and how hard it is to make out the forms of both of my loved ones from the background..#Wellsie is surrounded by all gray...with our son. So far and they look so cold. 

It dawns on me that my office is finally quiet. #Lassiter slipped out. Thank the @ScribeV_BDBRW . I let myself sink down into my chair. It's not fair. Thinking of the Scribe Virgin, I am really fucking sick of this balance rule. I can't help but think these thoughts. My Brothers are my family. I wouldn't wish them anything less than the peace and happiness that they have found with their females. It's just..not fair. #Rhage...got his #Mary back. @Vishous_BDBRW..got his @DocJane_BDBRW . Hell..all my Brothers have had their issues to overcome with their females and it somehow works out. I had my female. My #Wellsie. She was everything to me. I loved her. Took care of her. Did everything a male should. Yet...the Scribe Virgin didn't let her come back..she's gone. A female like Wellsie and the Scribe Virgin didn't let her come back like she did Jane, or like she cured Mary. Even like she has let @NoOne_BDBRW come back, despite what happened. No’One  took her own life. My #Wellsie wanted to live. I click the mouse in my hand angrily. Yet No'One was allowed in with the Chosen. A life. She is allowed here to serve Payne. I didn't need No’One  walking into the Compound, to remind me about that night, that she took my dagger, to kill herself with . It was the worse night of my existance, for a long time, until #Wellsie.  As I continue to stare at my computer, the images of that night play across my mind. How dark, and close we all were in #Darius' makeshift home. I was trying to prove my worth, I wanted to prove to #Darius, that I could be a true warrior. No'One had been harmed by the symphath so badly, so unthinkably..she didn't deserve that. The young she was about to give birth to, as a result, deserved a clean shot at this world. I did what I could to protect No'One from harm, taking care of her. I brought her food. Kept the fire going. She was so frail, beautiful..I remember being confused. My father, Hharm throwing me out, #Darius taking me under his wing..and then..this. No'One deserved a future. I knew what it felt to be cast out, not wanted, by a father's decision. It was scary as she got closer to giving birth. At every turn the promise of a complication, #Darius and I trying to figure things out. My mind slips into the events of that day...

From the time the early labor set in that day, everything was a blur...#Darius..candle light, sweat, the cries of No'One, and the young. Then the one second always frozen forever in my mind. I had just leaned over No'One to reach and get her something. God..I was so stupid. I should have been more careful...but I was young. It happened so quick and yet in slow motion..I couldn't stop it..I was reaching..and then..I don’t know. Blood...everywhere. All over me. All over No’One. I looked down and couldn’t even believe what I saw. She had gotten a hold of my dagger, the dagger I used to protect her, to fight. MY dagger. The dagger Darius had given me. She had taken it and buried it in her chest as #Darius held and examined the young. I should have been able to stop her. I couldn’t even save her, it was too late. She was efficient in her aim. #Darius and I had failed. We have this young, without a mother. I didn’t know what to do. After meeting No’One’s father, seeing what he was like, I knew that family would not take care of her properly in death. Over the past few months with No’One, I had started to feel a connection. I laid by the fire, near where she slept. So much had been done to her. But there was something inside her...a broken strength..I saw it, but that wasn’t enough to keep her here with her young. 

The only thing I can do for her now, is a proper burial. I pray to the @ScribeV_BDBRW that #Darius remains occupied. I gather everything I need. The weather is brisk and not at all ideal, but I grab a sturdy old shovel I find in a corner, and a old rag. My mind is both numb and also feels like it is about to explode. The female young is being held and calmed by #Darius at the moment, and before I leave the room, I cover the body of this fair haired female, whose actions has torn apart what I had come to think of as a family, a home. I head outside and it is dark. The weather won’t even let me keep a candle lit to see by. All I have is the moon. My eyes search and search for the right spot, it has to be perfect. The female deserves peace. I know not where the female’s soul will end up, but surely the Fade will take her. It is all up to the Scribe Virgin, I know. Out of the corner of my eye I see a beautiful apple tree. I set out toward it, my leather boots stepping on the damp grass, and over the earth that has newly started it’s freezing process. I sigh and take a deep breath as I stand at the foot of a large tree. This tree will mark the seasons, and bear beautiful fruit, always. I couldn’t hope for better. I lift up the shovel and I dig into the soil...over and over, over and over. Removing dirt, tossing aside stones, sweat building on my brow and muscles protesting, for hours, despite the weather. Blisters form on the sides of my fingers. I haven’t bothered with gloves. Someone should bleed for this female who had such a injustice committed against her, I have to do right. Finally...I am as satisfied as I will ever be with the result.

Wordlessly I walk back into the house, I don’t say anything to #Darius. I wordlessly grab every blanket the tiny cabin has in it and I go over to the still, cold, form that lies on the table. I wrap the female up, as securely as I can, and gently. I lift her up in my arms and slowly walk with her, so carefully, very carefully, out of the cabin and outside into the air. I wish I could do more. How could she do this....How could her family...all those words are banging around in my head as I walk to the apple tree, along with the image of the tiny young inside. I gently sink down to my knees, feeling the earth beneath me as I lower, slowly, slowly and carefully, the female into the ground. I sit there and stare for a while, offering up prayers to the @ScribeV_BDBRW ...and I finally stand up. My muscles creek from crouching low on the ground for so long, and I begin to fill in the hole, my throat tight the entire time, but I do not want to disgrace myself with a tear in case Darius sees me. I have done what I could. The Scribe Virgin and the Fade will have to deal with the rest...

My head snaps back forward to the present, my head pounding. I curse under my breath, and I resume pounding away at the key board, email after email, and adjusting schedules, making notes...all while trying to work out a solution for my Wellsie, the right answer, to set her and my son free...but also..still thinking of @NoOne_BDBRW ...and the complicated puzzle #Lassiter is trying to force me to put together. I crack a Sam Adams. I have work to do.*

-Tohrment.

[loverreborn-blog]

A Firm Resolution. Autumn's Solo July 17, 2012

*After I dismissed ‪#Fritz‬ for the third time today, I head off towards the washing room in the training center. This moments, in which I find myself with a task, are precious to me. I came to this side with a solid resolution, or at least, that's what I kept telling to myself. All for naught. @Payne_BDBFM does not need me. And despite being aware of it, I keep lying to myself. Such a coward I am. But then again I am of not worth. Naught.

As I reach the training room, I stop before I open the door. If there is someone training I don't want to bother them with my presence. The @KingWrath_BDBFM and @QueenBeth_BDBFM have been very generous to allow me to live here and the Brothers, specially @Tohr_BDBFM , and their shellans, have receiveth me in their lives. They don't pry but rather treat me as a member of their big family.

Opening the door as I hear nothing, I make my way through the training room to the washing room behind, to get the cart and start collecting the towels and other linens. As I push the cart back into the training room, I feel a sting on my bad leg that makes me sit down on the floor. Pulling up the heavy robe, I rub the scar along the lower leg, so itchy..after all these years... I close my eyes as images of mine @XhexBDBFM assault my head...she is the real reason I came. I have not the courage to admit it, even to myself. Oh dear @ScribeV_BDBFM how much I miss having a purpose. Being busy all day long, taking care of the ‪#Chosen‬ ..not having the time to think about all the horrible things I have done. Be brave, No'One...say it...admit it...you came here because you wanted to connect with @XhexBDBFM but she does not need you...and I cannot blame her. I left her behind, alone. That speaks volumes....Shaking my head as a tear escapes my eye, for truth, I was hoping @XhexBDBFM could have seen that despite the fact I left her with two males of worth,‪ #Darius‬ and @Tohr_BDBFM because I knew they would take care of her, I could have taken my life when I found out I was carrying her. But I did not. I loved her since the moment I knew she was inside me. And I knew, she was not responsible for the horror I lived. @XhexBDBFM was innocent and I did not want for her to live ashamed with a mahmen like me. That is why I wait until I gave birth. That is why, the moment I met #Darius‬ and @Tohr_BDBFM I knew, somehow, I was blessed. @XhexBDBFM would have the chance I did not. Those two males of worth would take care of her and her future.

I wonder if she can see all this. I cannot blame her if she does not. I don't expect her to love me. I can only hope she will forgive me, eventually. And she will let me be near her..I am relieved she has found such a male of worth. ‪#JohnMatthew‬ will respect her and love her, forever. In the end, she has what I always wanted for her, a good life, sure thing her job is not the easiest thing in the world, but she is good at what she does. I believe in her. And ‪#JohnMatthew‬ reminds me of his father, ‪#Darius‬... He will honor and protect her. That's all I ever wanted for mine Xhex. I do not care whatever happens to me, for I know, she is going to be fine.

Looking around me, feeling the ache in my heart, I stand up quickly and start collecting the towels. Pushing the cart through all the machines and mats, glad I can be alone and busy with a duty. If my purpose now is to serve these noble people and watch mine daughter @XhexBDBFM from afar, so be it. I have been in worse places and I am still standing, even if my soul is already gone.*

-Autumn

[loverreborn-blog]

Stingray Memories. Tohr's Solo, May 10th, 2012

*I stare up at the ceiling in my bedroom.Or the room where I stay, anyways. It's not the mated room of my Wellsie and I, runs on in a loop in my head, exactly as it has since #Lassiter dragged my ass back here. I can't sleep, even though my body is tired. My mind will not turn off, replaying images that I can't escape. All the special and normal days I had with my Wellsie. Everything I have to live without. At least there is the war. Every single drop of black blood spilled, I come closer to my goal to iradicate every single one of those bastards who took my shellan from me. I don't care how long it takes. I don't care how badly I am hurt. I know I am getting weaker. If I go out in this war, so be it. I will fight.

 I sit down at First and Last Meal each night and have seconds of food I don't care about, so I can continue to go out into the field. That, and to get #Lassiter to shut the fuck up and leave me alone.I stretch my stiff body and shove it off the bed. I manage the shower, cursing the fact that #John, @Qhuinn_BDBFM and I didn't find a  fight last night. Tonight is my scheduled night off, and I have to fill it with something. I head down to the garage, thinking I will spend some time with my Stingray.I go into the garage and shake my head...I had left a window down last time I was working in here, and I see Boo all curled up on one of my leather seats. I pop open the door and give him a look, before scooping him up gently and setting him down* 

-Come on, Boo. Go play with Beth! *quietly chuckles, and I set out to clean up the seat where he laid. The doggen know not to ever touch this car.It's been one of my most prized possessions. It calms me and I can think better as I work on it. That's always been the case. I remember seeing the car listed in the paper. I recall getting all excited about it, with Wellsie sitting across the table from me, as we ate First Meal. She didn't want me to get this, I think, as I finish removing Boo's hair from the seat. I continue on to Armour All the dashboard.

She thought this car was too much, not something we needed, too extravagant.

A silly purchase. I wanted to buy it, though, because I could. I checked out the car, dematerializing to the address it was listed at, and it was definitely my second case of love at first sight. The first incidence being the first time I set my eyes on Wellsie.

My mahmen was totally right, choosing Wellsie for me. My perfect partner. My heart aches, my only surprise is that it still beats. My memory of getting this car continues as I remember being stubborn and setting up with Fritz the purchase of the car. My Wellsie was so annoyed with me but..she put up with it, as I was obnoxiously excited waiting for Fritz to return with the car. 

When he pulled up with it into the garage of the house Wellsie and I shared, I could barely wait for the garage door to close before popping the hood and all but drooling as I took in all that horsepower, and mentally already planning the improvements, while my Wellsie looked on disapprovingly. I tried to get her to love the Stingray...and to make it up to her for buying the car, but I just had to! I remember begging and begging my Wellsie to finally take a ride in the car with me. No doubt just to shut me up, one evening, on one of my nights off, after First Meal, she did. It was a early September evening, my favorite season, although the cold wasn't biting the air on this particular night. My Wellsie sat there in the passenger seat, all closed up, intent on not enjoying the ride as we pulled out of the Compound, headlights off. I tried to show her how pretty the dashboard was, how smooth the ride was, complimented the seats. She would just nod, smile and humor me...but I could tell she wasn't enjoying it. I turned on the car stereo as we reached Route 22 with very little traffic on the road. I opened the car up and let it fly, lowering the top of the convertible. 

My Wellsie started to laugh as the wind blew her beautiful red hair crazy, the long, soft strands even hitting my cheek as I drove, her laughter finally even louder than the radio as I wrap one of my arms around her shoulders and tuck her against me as I drive, and I feel her strong, tall curves settle against me as she leans up and kisses me. It was then I knew she had accepted the car. I pull myself back from my memories as I step out of the car and walk around to pop the hood. All the amazing rides we had in that car in nice weather, parking it, and making love..in the front seat, in the back seat, against the hood...the center of my chest hurts even more, as those memories float up, totally deflating me, as I remember her body, against mine. How I will never feel her curves against my chest, my cock fitting perfectly in her core, I will never have her in my arms or yelling at me to pick up my socks, or to lock the ammo cabinet..I curse and shut the hood of the Stingray gently. 

I walk back into the Compound, heading to the bar in the library for some Sam Adams to get me through this empty night. If it wasn't such a big deal I would go out on rotation all 7 days but I have to set a good example for the other Brothers. I ignore #Lassiter watching Dance Moms Miami on tv as I grab the beers and head up to my room in DMs*

-Tohrment

[loverreborn-blog]

This is Black Dagger Brother Tohrment, Son of Hharm. Leader of the Black Dagger Brotherhood. He was the steady, calm leader with a kind heart until fate took away his beloved shellan, Wellesandra and his unborn child. He disappeared and wanted to die.

The Maker had another plans and he was brought back by a truly angel, Lassiter.

He and his 'Brother', Black Dagger Brother Darius, saved my life and by extension, mine daughter's life, Xhexhania. At the end and after I gave birth to her, I took my own life. He was caring enough and  buried my body under an apple tree, thinking I would love to 'see' the tree through the seasons.

The Scribe Virgin had other plans for me, too. And brought me back to the far side.

He and Wellesandra adopted a wonderful pre-transitioned young, called John Matthew or Tehrror, whom turned out to be Darius' son. A wonderful circle, as I like to think. He has, the same eyes and hair as him, too. Jet black hair and impossible beautiful blue eyes.

Our story has just begun, I hope you stay tuned and enjoy.

*bows*

Autumn, formerly known as No'One