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[lovewhxleheartedly-blog]

thoughts

I sometimes feel like i go mad. Today, I went from happy to irritated to pissed over something small- so fast. I felt so misunderstood. Basically, I was asked to spend 1500 on a trip i don’t really have much interest in going right now. I was asked while still planning my summer plans, to stay in santa barbara, take classes and work hella to make up for how much i’ve spent this quarter. i guess i wasn’t good with explaining myself and said I haven’t found a place to stay yet over summer (but am in the process of figuring it out- literally appointments with advisors the next day about it), and i get so much judgment just over a little thing i said. i hated it- the feeling of how they make me feel about myself: stupid. like i have no idea what i’m doing, like i don’t make any sense or have a plan. i was so mad... i snapped at her right away. obviously it caught on, but i can’t control my rage and i hate that even more. 

the reason i felt so pissed was because i’m so misunderstood, and having so much judgement of me made it worse- coming from my own family. it’s probably not their intention, or maybe it is just funny to them that i don’t have my life together. either way, it sucks. it makes me want to punch a wall and scream and yell at someone. i usually don’t get pissed so easily... unless it’s my sister. i don’t know why. 

i’m just so stressed i cried right after we hung up. i’m stressed over finances, over people not liking me, over barely trying to fake my way into liking myself. truth is, i’m so fucking scared everyday about embarassment. i’m scared i’ll make a fool out of myself when it comes to people here. i’m scared to fuck up in school even more. i’m scared people secretly hate me. i’m scared that i may always live like this: insecure with no confidence in myself. 

[lovewhxleheartedly-blog]

4.17.18

I’ve decided to stay for another year and take the classes which I’m interested in this quarter (psychology). I need chemistry out of the way for pre-physical therapy but since I’m not ready, it wouldn’t make any sense for me to do it this quarter and fail. I’m planning to drop the course by tonight. And honestly, just thinking about it relieves so much stress as it is still a bit stressful because I want(ed) to be on top of my game. 

This spring quarter, I really want to focus on what i’ve been ignoring and putting off to do for the past two quarters: my mental health, who i really am as an individual, discover what I like and don’t like, try out new things (surfing, cooking, baking, etc), and making new friends. 

I’ve realized I need friends to have a sense of belonging. Being a lone wolf all the time is so depressing and I felt so alienated since I got here. I want to change that and actually connect with people and make friends. I want to be myself at the same time, where I can talk about things I want to talk about, learn about others, talk ideas, inspirations, events, and just have a mutual understanding with others. I felt sad for the longest time since I got here and it is probably because I was too focused on my goal, that all I ever did was think about it, stress about it, and take up most of my time working on it. It’s tiring and I need to find a balance, however I had to friends to hang out with so it was difficult to make a plan/meet up with anyone I wanted. 

This quarter, I was able to meet and connect with so many genuinely nice people so far. Although I do notice toxic ones, I tend to overlook them and keep a distance. The ones I find myself gravitate towards are kind individuals who seem to also look for friendship, fun, understanding and support of each other. That’s what I look for in friendships. It’s a simple recipe that somehow its difficult for me to find. I’ve come to slowly disconnect with the ones I find toxic and give off bad vibes, because it is unnecessarily stressful to my health. I want to focus on giving my enerygy, thoughts and time to people that do matter to me, or invest my time in surrounding myself good people. “you are the five people you spend the most time with”. This quote really resonates with me because I truly believe it. With that, I want to make time with the ones I look up to and aspire to be. 

Overall, my goals are related to keeping my mental health in check. To have friends, to find and understand things about myself, to try new things are really what I need right now to be happy. I’ve been so lost since I got here and I had so many breakdowns because I wasn’t sure why I was here- despite going to school to graduate for my parents and take classes for pre-physical therapy. It was all too structured of a plan that I fell over the second quarter (failing all my classes with 2 C’s and 1 F). This was the lowest point for me. I didn’t know what I was doing wrong, except for the realization that all I could ever think about while “studying” was how lonely I felt, how i didn’t have enough friends, how i knew little about myself (what i liked/what i do on my spare time/ what i prefer to do with my life, etc). And these things should come naturally and simply. Yet I was being so hard on myself that I ignored it all. And as I saw my therapist for the first session yesterday, I really realized I didn’t like my life and how I saw and presented myself. Although we didn’t get too deep in the topic of Riley, family, and friendships, i’m looking forward to what these sessions can do for me. 

With that being said, I vowed to myself to focus only on myself this quarter. To get all my basic needs met in order to do well for the next. This is going to be an investment and takes time, yet I’m determined to put myself out of my comfort zone to find myself and build lifelong friendships with people I really admire and that accept me for who I am. 

[lovewhxleheartedly-blog]

04/08/2018

I’ve been feeling a sense of invisibility and feeling very overwhelmed, and sometimes just feel nothing. I wake up sad every day, thinking about what my life is going to be like today and my future. I don’t have much planned, because truth is I feel lost even when I do have a plan. I guess after legitimately failing a class and not being able to study abroad has really, negatively impacted my mood and motivation. What do I look forward in life now? How can I do better? I’m so tired, I feel so mentally exhaused and I’m not even doing anything. Last quarter was so rough, it killed the confidence I was trying to build and go towards. Now I just feel like I’m back to square one- if anything even worse. I have no enthusiasm anymore, no excitement to do anything. I had everything all planned out in the beginning: with my classes, my life plan for the next two years. And yet here I am, failing at my attempt to get my life together. I feel like I’m not worth as much as i anticipated when i got to this school. I’m so average, if anything below average and i hate it. i’m not sure where to begin how to change. I know what I need to do but I don’t know how to do it or where to start. I’m so tired.

I wake up, and I either feel nothing or just a wave of sadness. I feel like I want to cry but I also feel like theres no more tears left. I still get up though, do my everyday routine and go through my agenda for the day. I feel even though I’m still doing things, (from going to the gym, getting ready for class, going to the library, doing work) I don’t feel any passion or motivation but I just do it in hopes of feeling some sort of satisfaction with myself. It just doesn’t work. If anything I’m more tired out and want to be in bed and sleep and cry.

I go to bed sad every night, thinking how my life is going to be. What i’m going to do and what my purpose is. I contemplate about my life and where i’m going in the future. To be honest, I don’t know. I don’t know if I am capable of holding myself up and supporting myself. I feel scared and alone. I feel like I have no sense of direction while everyone around me is moving forward. 

There are times that I would take walks and just take a breather and think about life. I’m in a public place and sometimes think about dark things like if someone were to come up to me pointing a gun at me or threatening me.. I wouldn’t feel anything. The thing about living with this overwhelming wave of nothingness, anxiety and/or depression.... i sometimes find myself imagining that if someone were to threaten my life, I wouldn’t be scared. And that I’d be okay with it. Yet, this acknowledgement of myself scares me.... because this isn’t where I want to be. This isn’t me.