lovinq-xo

[lovinq-xo]

do you ever get overwhelmed by the amount of history in the world that you don’t know

[lovinq-xo]

i hate knowin that people that ruined parts of me still live and function like nothing ever happened

[lovinq-xo]

when the cashier gives u back ur change and ur putting it away but u cant do it fast enough and suddenly theyre holding out ur shopping bag and u have no hands and the coins are dropping to the ground and the bag goes up in flames and the cashier is crying and ur crying and ur wallet is screaming and ur descending into hell

[lovinq-xo]

shout out to everyone who had to put school aside for your mental health.

shoutout to everyone who has doubt about everything they do because of your mental health

shoutout to the kids who can’t go to school

shoutout to everyone with mental illness who had to struggle. thanks for being strong, even when it seems you are weak. you got through one day, and you are here, reading this. you can talk to me anytime

[lovinq-xo]

take selfies, look cute, tell yourself you're fine af, focus on your goals, get that money, spoil yourself, stunt on all these hoes, etc.

[lovinq-xo]

just wanna be beautiful and take care of myself

[lovinq-xo]

“Some people turn sad awfully young. No special reason, it seems, but they seem almost to be born that way. They bruise easier, tire faster, cry quicker, remember longer and, as I say, get sadder younger than anyone else in the world. I know, for I’m one of them.”

 Ray Bradbury, Dandelion Wine (via naturaekos)

[lovinq-xo]

[lovinq-xo]

“summer is coming”

[lovinq-xo]

when i was 12 i babysat this girl for a few years and she would come to me and show me her art, drag me by my wrists and point at the pieces she’d made during the week. and she’d be like “do the voice” and i’d put on a sports-announcer olympics-style voice and be like “such form! this level of coloring! why i haven’t seen such perfection in crayola in a long time. and what is this? why jeff, now this is a true risk… it seems she’s made … a monochrome pink canvas…. i haven’t seen this attempted since winter 1932… and i gotta say, jeff, it’s absolutely splendid”  and she’d fall back giggling. at the end of every night she’d check with me: “did you really like it?” and i’d say yes and talk about something i noticed and tucked her in.

she was just accepted into 3 major art schools. she wrote me a letter. inside was a picture from when she was younger. monochrome pink. 

“thank you,” it said, “to somebody who saw the best in me.”

[lovinq-xo]

I would just like to say fuck you to everyone who made me feel inadequate growing up and ruining my self esteem for years. You all suck and I’m glad I don’t talk to any of you any more. 

[lovinq-xo]

Emotional abuse is so harmful. It has effects long after the abuse has stopped. When triggered, it unleashes great anger, but it also makes me feel incredibly guilty. It tells me I am at fault. I should have been stronger, better, not have let myself be affected that much. It makes me overreact and continues to tell me I am a bad person for overreacting. 

[lovinq-xo]

Emotionally abusive people fucking suck because they act like they’re the victims and that they’re the nicest person in the world. They make you feel like utter crap and make it nearly impossible for you to prove that you’re the actual victim.

[lovinq-xo]

this is too relatable 

[lovinq-xo]

what does BPD feel like?

BPD isn’t just phases of being sad and adding some cutting every now and then for good measure and feeling better when somebody comes along and kisses your scars and tells you everything is going to be alright. it’s not something that „just goes by“. 

living with BPD is hell. it’s deeply internalized patterns of behavior and feelings which complicate your life on a daily basis and make normal daily tasks seem like huge obstacles. there’s phases when you feel like showering or eating are impossible things to do, when you just don’t want to get up in the morning but instead stay in bed under your covers all day so you don’t have to interact with other people. 

BPD is being completely fixated on one person and not wanting to spend time with anyone else and inevitably overwhelming that person with your constant need for affection, and even though you know your expectations are impossible to meet, you just can’t stop and have to watch yourself destroy every meaningful relationship you ever have.

BPD is the constant feeling of not being good enough. it’s constantly feeling insecure if the people who you love most even care about you at all. it’s crying and panic attacks when your favorite person doesn’t reply within minutes. it means an existential crisis and suicidal thoughts when someone cancels plans with you. it’s completely breaking down when somebody doesn’t keep a promise. it’s the constant need for attention and affection from one specific person and the constant wish to have them by your side at all times. it’s helplessness and sadness when you are by yourself. it’s being dependent on how people treat you. it’s constantly changing between adoring and hating someone, based on how they behave in that very moment, no matter whether or not their behavior has anything to do with you. it’s the overwhelming wish for a social life and at the same time being deathly afraid of spending time with other people. it’s constantly feeling left out or like you’re the fifth wheel. it means feeling unwanted or insignificant when your favorite person spends time with other people and doesn’t want you to come because they ’want to do something without you for a change’. it’s constantly feeling like you have to explain yourself to everyone even though you don’t even understand yourself. it’s feeling like you are manipulative and a bad person because your expectations and demands are ridiculous and way too high for anyone to meet. it’s constantly being disappointed over and over again and feeling unimportant / unloved because nobody can ever live up to your high expectations.

BPD is the fear of losing someone when they meet somebody new and always seeing new people in their life as a threat or competition. it’s feeling like you have to convince even your significant other every day that you are still worth spending time with. it’s being submissive all the time and never speaking up or calling someone out if they don’t treat you well because you are afraid it will lead to an argument which in turn will make them leave you. it means swallowing your own feelings and problems because you don’t want to annoy them out of fear they will walk away. it’s feeling like you always have to function and can never have a bad day because people will get tired of you instantly and immediately replace you with a better person because you are worthless and disposable. it means having no emotional permanence which makes you feel like once people are out of sight their feelings for you are gone. it’s when „I love you“ and „I’m here for you“ doesn’t mean anything unless the person thinks of you, talks to you, wants to spend time with you 24/7 or proves it any other way.

BPD is the constant fear of not being able to handle life. it means not knowing who you are or what you want. it’s getting up every morning and being a completely different person with new fears, new dreams, new interests. it’s the desperate search for yourself without ever finding it. it’s trying different personalities and it never feeling right. it’s ‘stealing’ personality traits from other people and trying to make them work for you. it’s the desperate wish for a hobby of some sort to dive into and cope but never finding anything that actually interests you for more than 24 hours. it’s desperately wanting to get your feelings out (by writing, drawing, anything) but never being able to. it’s a pressure in your head you just can’t get rid of.

BPD is the constant urge to slice your skin open even if you have been clean for months. it means ups and downs in a matter of minutes. your favorite person texted you first? life is beautiful, anything is possible, I love myself and all my friends, everything is wonderful. they don’t reply to your text within a couple of minutes? might as well kill myself, I am unimportant and worthless, I’m never anyone’s first choice, everyone has other things and people in their lives that are much more important.

BPD is never knowing if your feelings are valid. it’s never knowing if you are entitled to being sad or angry about a specific situation or if you’re just being too sensitive again. it’s making a huge drama out of nothing because you always see something negative in everything. it’s sensing the slightest anomalies in someone’s way of talking, texting or energy and immediately being convinced it’s because of you. it’s being convinced that your significant other hates you when you don’t talk / text every day. it’s hearing a group of people laugh and being absolutely certain they are making fun of you. it’s getting emotional and crazy about something absolutely insignificant and not being able to stop yourself even though you know it’s stupid. it means suppressing mental breakdowns in front of other people and bottling up your feelings so nobody will see them because that would be manipulative and unfair because you would force people to take care of you when they clearly don’t care about you to begin with and at most tolerate you. BPD is not even opening up to your therapist and acting like you’re fine even though you’re falling apart.

BPD means daily headaches or stomach pains. it means a variety of psychosomatic problems that keep you from living a normal life. it’s having to get up every day and go to school / work even though you are in pain and feeling dead inside. it’s having to interact with people and maintaining superficial relationships even though you are tired and exhausted and don’t want to open your mouth at all. it means not eating for days at a time because you just don’t have the energy to. it means being tired all the time and just wanting to be in your room all day.

BPD isn’t beautiful or romantic or cute. it’s the daily struggle against your own body and mind in order to get along in a society that only sees value in people who function properly 100% of the time. it’s the daily internal monologue of having to convince yourself that nothing is as bad as it seems to you. it’s constantly telling yourself that your feelings are not valid. it’s a constant struggle to find your place in this crazy world when you don’t even know who you are.

[lovinq-xo]

someone, to me: i love you!

my brain, screaming, with warning lights flashing: NOT FOR LONG!!! NOT FOR LONG!!!! NOT FOR LONG!!!

[lovinq-xo]

im fucking quirky and bouncy and enthusiastic and dfferent and i ricochet around beign brght and fun and people fall in love with me and then i turn out to be fucked up and hard work and miserable and people care too much and they just get sad and hurt and im no fuckng good