loyalestmunch

[loyalestmunch]

6.30.25

we’re in a relationship now. but i’ve never felt this empty before.

i knew from the beginning that this wasn’t gonna work. i should’ve known how much i meant to him when he gave me a piece of paper with a meme on it and claimed that’s how he was asking me out. i should’ve known. actually, i did know. i knew from the start that this probably wouldn’t work. i’ve felt this way since the beginning. but why do i stay? why do i keep trying? why did i have hope that things would change?

i can’t even blame him at this point. because yeah i did know this wouldn’t work and i knew that it wasnt going to get better. but i stayed. im begging you for attention. im begging you for a reason why. im begging. and begging. and losing myself in the process.

i haven’t been this depressed in a while. i slept almost the entire day. i don’t know what to do anymore.

i don’t want to let go. i don’t want things to end. i don’t know what to do with myself. we have so many sweet memories together. im grieving something that’s ongoing. because i know its going to end soon. i know its not going to work. i know nothing will change.

but that doesn’t change that i gave my all to you. i did everything i could to help you change. im trying my best. im putting in all the effort i have.

we have a trip coming up in july. in 2 weeks.

i hope things get better.

i hope things change.

because i love you so much.

[loyalestmunch]

02.17.25

leo.

i dont think ive ever been so disappointed in myself for wasting so much fucking time over someone who doesn't care as much as i do. which is fucking crazy to me since you messaged me first. you wanted me first. why the fuck did you come into my life. why the fuck did you message me and come waste my time when youre not going to fucking change. but i wont get ahead of myself.

i hate you for messaging me first. i hate you for making me think you wanted a relationship in the beginning. i hate you for wasting seven fucking months of my time. i hate you for having my virginity. i hate you for leading me on. i hate you for lying to me. i hate you so fucking much but i cant fucking get away from you because im so fucking attached. But this isnt all his fault. i hate myself for giving you my virginity. i hate myself for staying for seven months. i hate myself for having hope that youre going to change. i hate myself for thinking you were gonna be different. i hate myself for putting up with this. i hate myself for staying i hate myself for staying i hate myself for staying i hate myself for staying.

why am i not enough for you? ive done everything youve asked. ive crossed all my boundaries just so you could be happy. id spend my last fucking penny on you just to make you smile. id pick up the phone for you in a heartbeat. but you cant even fucking call me when i need to talk to u most. genuinely what the fuck is wrong with you. i hate you so much for everything youve done for me. and i hate myself so mcuh fucking more for staying.

you never deserved the cat i got u.

and whats craziest is that we arent even together. we arent dating. we dont have a label. im going this fucking crazy and we dont even have a label. crazy i know but honestly just so much more fucking embarassing for me. our entire connection is embarassing. our connection was built off of lust. and thats MY OWN FUCKING FAULT

honestly this is all my own fucking fault. this is my own fucking fault for staying. i waited SEVEN FUCKING MONTHS for YOU TO ASK ME TO BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND FOR A FUCKING CARD THATS 1.) NOT UR OWN WORDS AND 2.) A TS PMO MEME BRO. is that all im fucking worth to you bro. genuienly. is that all i fucking am to u.

do you even want a relationshop with me. probably not, but again its my fault. its my own fucking fault for letting you

staying with you is worse than how any breakup could feel.

[loyalestmunch]

09.21.24

well on september 4th when i was initially going to update you, things were kind of looking up. well, as "looking up" as things cld fucking get for me. but since then it's all crashed down. and ill tell u why

first ill start with danny. i started talking to danny when i was supposed to go on my family cruise about a month ago. as we know, we weren't allowed on the fucking ship due to inadequate paperwork so we ended up spending the weekend in LA. during that period he messaged me and we started talking. he was very sweet and gentle and caring and i fell for him very fast. after a couple weeks of talking ig i got ahead of myself because i got into a relationship with him.

well one night we were playing fort and we started bringing up the past. he asked me why i never inquire about his past relationship experiences to which i responded i have bpd and it physically hurts to imagine you with another person even if it was in the past. he understood and i dont remember what led to him pouring out his past but it fucking happened and i cld tell. i cld just fucking tell from the way he spoke that he wasn't over his ex. i knew it and my gut was telling me it wasnt ok and he shldnt be in another relationship so soon and im being used. i told him how i felt and he reassured me i was wrong and had nothing to worry about. fast forward to two days ago--he dumped me because he realized he still had feelings for her. so thats how that ended.

next ill bring up alice which is short n sweet. i didnt take her to see her boyfriend in modesto which caused bro to lash out at me. thats basically it lol she just started calling me a pathetic lazy adult yadda yadda. havent talked to her since as shes been ghosting me.

finally camila. i honestly dont even fucking know what happened. i guess if i had wished her a happy birthday then none of this would have happened. thats all ill say

i miss danny so much

and my entire support system is gone

i hope ill be ok

[loyalestmunch]

9.04.24

so a lot has happened idk

ill tell u later

[loyalestmunch]

2.19.24

its all the same. nothings new. every time i come back onto this page for my monthly vent im reminded that ive been stuck mentally in the same place for months. will it ever fucking get better. will things ever change. will i ever come out of this hole ive dug myself in.

nothings reciprocated. my gentleness my thoughtfulness im very careful with how i treat people im very cautious and constantly aware i will make my greatest effort to shield and safety net ur emotions and i will walk on eggshells around u to make sure that i dont accidentally make you feel stupid or say the wrong thing. whats really frustrating about that though is that i wish i was selfish enough to not care. i wish i was selfish enough to put my wants and feelings before anything else. i wish id advocate for myself the way im so quick to defend those i love. i wish i cared about myself as tenderly as i care for others i love. i wish i wasnt so hesitant and nervous of everything.

do you not feel bad? are u not ashamed? u really didnt notice how that affected me? u couldnt take a minute to recognize the entire premise of the situation, or how i felt? not only that, but u moved on so quickly. u never checked up on me. after you drunkenly spilled your heart out to me, and after i was guliable and eager enough to believe you, i let myself get attached to a string of hope once again and im left in a puddle of disappointment. i dont have money i dont have dropdead looks i dont have anything but me to offer and i thougth that someone finally understood how i felt and truly saw me for who i am. i was scared and hesitant to take a leap of faith with you and i went against my better judgement just for you to selfishly move on without a single care about me or how i feel. what about us? what about everything u said we were going to be? what about all the love and admiration u had for me?

u told me i was special u told me i was all u wanted. and i let myself free of my cautious grasp only to be reminded why im always so hesitant with my feelings in the first place.

anyways im still here. but things are getting harder. i just want a fucking light at the end of the tunnel. i just wnt something to hold on to.

everyones moved on. the world hasnt stopped to let me catch my breath. every day new opportunities arise and im still fucking stuck here.

everybody has somebody.

everybody has somebody.

everybody has somebody.

everybody has somebody.

everybody but me.

[loyalestmunch]

1.17.24

new year same fucking bullshit. since the last month ive come on here to vent not one single fortunate thing has happened to me. matter of fact i'd say i am only feeling increasingly worse with each coming month. as per my last entry, dylan has officially moved on to someone else and wants absolutely nothing to do with me. last time we spoke he told me to fuck off. so, im currently fucking off and leaving him alone i guess. although i often get a spark of hope that tells me there's maybe still a chance which is shortly followed by me begging to be unblocked. i need self respect.

mom found out i was smoking again. threw away a 2g dispo that was 1/3 full. and also my nic. which sucked really fucking bad. at least she didnt take my phone like last time. she threatened to restrict my driving privlidges again (im 18 lolol) like she did in february but no further action has been pursued (phew) but little bad things keep getting sprinkled into my life and this shit needs to stop because i dont know how much more i can take right now !

more footnotes from this month....: the cats r doing good. wisp getting fatter and willows getting fluffier lmao. camila & des r still my friends. went on date with short guy. not well. Have been drinking significantly since new year started. (probably going to grab a white claw befor my shower ahahah..) I got scammed on paypal trying to find an idv account HAHAHHHAHAHAHHAHA. wrote 500 word essay for cmila expressing my love HAHAHAHAHAHA wasnt reciprocated HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

february please be kind to me, please

[loyalestmunch]

12.19.23

jesus fucking christ it just keeps getting worse and worse 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭like actually its not funny anymore bro this has got to be a sick joke or something because not one good thing has happened to me in so long im so tired of everyone and everything im so tired too tired to care but its eating me up inside like. not even dylan wants me. dylan moved on. dyln. has. moved. on. are u fucking serious.... what the fuck this is absolutely rock bottom additionally i still dont have friejds i have my camila but litrly nothint else. no one else. no one to tell anhthing to. no one to say good morning to, no one to bother, no one to keep dompany, no one bro fucking no one

my moms bitching sbout my septium and keepss taking it out and checking to see if i dont have one in all the time its so annoying like holy fucking damn can i have ONE THING😭😭😭😭

nobody fucking wants me no one wants to be with me no one likes me for me i miss chloe i want to die i want a cigarette i need a drink i want to relapse i want to be allowed to express myself i want to move out i want to be loved i dont want to need to beg for everything why why why why why why why why why why why why why is this me why is this how i am why am i the problem what the fuck am i doing wrong why am i always the fucking issue am i aftually that fucking insufferable and awful to be around. jesus christtt i dont wanna be here

[loyalestmunch]

11.19.23

actually the loneliest ive ever felt. i dont have a best friend. the two friends that i do have both have boyfriends n are preoccupied with them. im always in my room. im always in my four walls. i dont have a life outside of here. and i hate it so much.

i dont have someone i can spontaneously visit whenever i want anymore. i dont have a safe person that will always make time for me. if im sad, i dont have someone to go to. and it fuckiing sucks.

what sucks even more is when i sleep until 5 pm and check my phone to zero notifications. ts makes me go right the fuck back to sleep

i made an editing acc on tt. its cool its got like 70 smth followers so far. i really fucking hope i can make friends on there. but like. everyone in the editing community is like. 15 or 16. it just sux i used to edit at those ages too but now here i am at 18 (almost 19!) crawling back to the editing community to maybe find even a small glimpse of the happiness it gave me when i was younger. but nothing beat the feeling of dreaming of an edit in ur head all day.... waiting till school got out... running (literally) home to whip ts up on video star before i forgot it and then uploaded it and shared it amongst my little editing friends. and then i'd stay up late until 2 am or so watching and saving other edits i thought were cool. even in quarantine, i found joy in editing. november 2020 was actually the worst year of my life but also the best i miss it so much i miss the plethora of friends i used to have fuck. i miss playing identity v otp all night long with ray, i miss playing genshin in vc and doing stupid shit and farming for artifacts for hours on end with jazzy and tason and ray and gabby. my poor ipad wld overheat and my fingerprints would burn from dragging them across the hot screen but i didnt care . it was fun.

edit im not done i have more things i want to reminisce about .

ive been rewatching rick and morty and keeping up with the new seasons in the same sense that i watched it in middle school and now im crawling back to see if it brings me the same joy. and it does !. for the most part. but since justin got fired rip there's new voice actors. and it's fine honestly i dont care that much im still gna watch it but i hate how everythings changing. 13 year old me cldnt begin to fathom rick and morty losing (one of its) most renowned creator(s). like fuck. he voiced RICK AND MORTY. BOTH. like holy fuck. but its fine i guess the writings still kinda the same and the show is funny and makes me happy. i wish i had someone i cld take with me everywhere like my own little morty . i need friends.

i also miss the essence of boxed fettuchine(???) alfredo while watching r/m or camp camp at gammys house. ts was fire

i miss the roblox theme park tycoon and the chocolate cake we made that day and ate. it was so good.

i miss the lego game my cousin and i wld play. we didnt even do anything my mind just couldnt believe an open map game i haad so much fun just walking around and looking and doing absolutely nothing. and eating reheated pizzahut. and mcdonalds cookies. and funfetti boxed cake.

i miss when i had my phone taken when mom and i stayed at gammys when parents almst got divorced and i used her old iphone 5 she forgot she gave me and i had my little fandom acc on insta with my little mooties and friends and the warmth of gammys house in november fuck i miss it all i miss growing up so much i hate being an adult. i cant fucking have fun sober i dont have friends im alone nearly every single day i dont have friends in college i dont ta\lk to anyone i fucking just show up and leave without removing my earbuds.

and i know its my fsult. i know im the reason why i dont have friends. im the only reason why im like this. i only do it to myself.

im so alone and i just keep fucking regressing to find happiness because there's none here in present day thats for sure !

[loyalestmunch]

11.16.23

its just me myself and substances against the world. n i think we're a good little partnership

i saw this rick and morty shirt at spencers the other day and i regret not buying it but they didnt have an xs and i feel like a cunt asking if they have smaller sizees

[loyalestmunch]

11.01.23

its been 2 months since chloes passing. i havent left that room. im still there. sometimes i think about the last few seconds i spent with her. i havent left that spot since and the fact that it's already been 2 months since that morning scares me. i miss her. nothing has felt the same since she left. i feel like im stuck waiting for her. like my life has been on pause since she died and it'll resume when she comes back. but shes not fucking coming back and im stuck in this mental haze and brain fog im on the fucking outside looking in watching me sabotage my own relationships and connections because im just so tired and could not give a single shit about anyone or anything right now you could not pay me to give a shit about anything im fucking burnt out. but the thing is i dont have motivation to fix it. and i know its a problem and i recognize that its actively hurting me but i dont have energy or initiative to do anything about it. i just sit and watch myself drown. and i pity this life i set up for myself and reminsce about who i used to be and what i used to have . and it fucking sucks. i feel like im drowning in my own head . but im the one who put myself here.

and its november again. i dread this month every single day until its inevitably here. november is worse than december. everything in my head turns gray and turns to mush. my life turns into a nostalgic vomit inducing stomach tugging blur for the next 3 months

i feel like an open wound

[loyalestmunch]

09.24.23

we got two new kittens today. ones black n ones gray. i think the gray one is going to be named willow, and the other wisp. they're so precious.

i feel like i dont belong. i always feel excluded. i feel excluded in my own life. i feel like a side character in my own story. i wish i could just think about myself. i think about literally anyone and anything else but myself. i wish i could feel comfortable in myself. i wish i didnt have to analyze what other people do and mentally note their behaviors and others responses to note whats accepted and enjoyed amongst others. i cant just say what i wanna say. im always trying to be something that im not. its exhausting.

and i miss my cat chloe.

and i wish i had a best friend. ***** makes me feel awful about myself. but theyre all i have rn. i dont have anyone else to constantly hang out with that respects my boundaries and doesnt make me feel like shit after hanging out.

i dont know why i have feelings for someone 7 years older than me. im always very quick to protect my friends from potential predators or people with bad intentions bc i usually have an easy time reading people. but i dont really care if he has bad intentions. but he makes me feel comforted. and i feel safe because hes older. and i like his voice. and hes packing. lol

do i think itll actually last? no. do i think we're gonna get together? probably not. i know its wrong and its not gna work. and i know its weird. even though im an adult. but 7 years is.. a lot. especially since he's closer to 30 and im not even 21. lolll.

im very happy to have these kittens though i think they will fix me

[loyalestmunch]

09.06.23

update. my cat got put down 8 days ago. im kind of fine now i did most of my coping/crying/grieving before it even happened bc my head is stupid and prepares for the worst. but if i think about it for too long i get teary eyed. i miss her every day. sometimes i'll hear a small noise and out of instinct i'll look to see if she's nearby, followed by instant regret and emptiness. i swear i still see her in the corner of my eye sometimes. sometimes i'll visit the spot where she's buried and tell her about my day. i hope shes out there somewhere listening.

also. as if one grief wasnt enough. few days after my cat's passing im at the park by myself swinging listening to music and a random little girl sits in the swing beside me. i dont think anything of it because i always get approached by kids when im at the park having me time. so i mind my business and this kid asks me for my name so i have to reluctantly take out an airpod and be like What did u say and she was like Ur name whats ur name and i was like oh it's *deadname* to which she replies with her name, aurora. she was really young, maybe 6 at most, so our small talk consisted of fnaf and taylor swift. not long after talking she invites me to sit at a bench with her. i say okay and she takes me to a spot closer to her family. upon our arrival her dad comes to the both of us (i was thinking he was probably annoyed that his daughter brought me (i have blue hair and piercings)) but he wasnt annoyed he just came and asked if i wanted a kitten. stunned and confused, i was like yes sure i want a kitten and i shit u not he pulls out a small black/gray/brown tabby and places her in my arms. it felt like this kitty was supposed to be mine. i just lost my cat. how did these events get intertwined?????

to make a long story short: i brought her (the kitten) (i named her smokey) home and my mom was pissed n didnt let me keep her despite by begging and pleading. i tried to tell her i felt as if i was connected with my old cat again when i spent time with the kitten. as she does, she disregards those feelings and gets rid of the damn cat. im still not talking to her as of right now.

so anyway. ive never felt so alone before and its so hard not to relapse. but i think its inevitable atp. as my main way of coping was spending time with my cat. im forced to be alone with my thoughts and feelings all the time.

romantically, im still stuck chasing people who couldnt give a shit about me. but thats been going on since me and ***** broke up in may. it just sucks, especially now, because i am quite literally, mentally and physically, alone. and i hate being stuck w this bitch for long periods of time. we dont get along.

[loyalestmunch]

08.29.23

my cat might get put down tmrow. i hate everything shes one of the few fucking things i have left

[loyalestmunch]

08.27.23

i always feel like im second place. im always defending myself and fighting to prove myself worthy. ive gotten so used to being an option that im constantly in a state of fear and worry that i'm easily replacable and my love, whether it be platonic or romantic, is not reciprocated. i haven't felt the warmth and love of knowing that you're someone's everything since my last serious relationship that ended in january 2022. at the time i still was in worry of being my partner's number one that my insecurities grew into stupid disagreements that would lead to reassurance afterwards. in retrospect i shldve enjoyed and appreciated what i had at that time. but even after that relationship ended, they still left for someone else not long after. this has happened a couple times so i know its me. ive learned that people don't have a hard time finding someone to take the place i once had. ive never been someone's only. ive never been someone's best friend. if any of my friends walked into a room full of their friends i dont think a single one of them would come to me first. i want to be someones first. im always chasing. chasing and chasing searching to find someone that will love me as much as i love them. i hate that im always fighting to prove myself. i hate that im always second. i hate ecerytging