lozematt-blog

[lozematt-blog]

T, you

Glad you're happy where you are now. Glad you're happy with him. I don't know why I still check. I still care, for sure. I mean, how could I not? You're my first (practically) everything. But I really need to let everything go. I know it still lingers, whether I choose for it to do so or not. But it's my choice to make this final push to let go, not let it go away on it's own (which it probably won't.) And maybe that's why nothing has worked out with any of the girls I've met and had potential. Maybe it's been a sign this whole time that I was never ready and now I know why.

I still bring you up here and there even when it no longer matters, it's been an entire year now. We are on two separate chapters in our lives. And I need to close our chapter for good; focus and create on my own chapter, for me. And hopefully when the next one comes around, I will be ready and it will work out.

Until then, goodbye for the millionth time, goodbye to it all.

I wish you the best, T.

[lozematt-blog]

Self reflection

I make excuses a lot. I have lots of love to give out, but I can spread myself too thin. I get close to people fast, but lose them faster. I cut people out of my life too easily. I have very strong emotions, sometimes it gets hard to see/think clearly. I'm completely different from 10 months ago. I'm way too reckless. I care about others more than myself a majority of the time. I'm too much of a pushover. I can be way too nice. I'm awkward and have social anxiety bc of confidence issues. I tend to put people, especially girls, on pedestals. I think a lot, I can be pretty woke sometimes, but thinking too much is also a bad thing. I sleep too late. I'm very lazy. If I want something, I try my best to get it. I'm a hard worker. I rave too much. I need to chill. I'm still figuring things out. I'm still healing. I can be bipolar and impatient. Random thoughts on myself.

[lozematt-blog]

Realization

I can’t continue expect or let someone approach me. If I don’t try, nothing will ever happen. I need to remember that rather than assuming. “Oh they were looking at me, oh she was checking me out” well then shit if she is or was than go talk to her. Opportunities are all around you and if you have the confidence to say these things than have the confidence to go up to her and talk to her.

It’s good your confidence is rising, and you’re beginning to think highly of yourself, but go act on it now. Go “practice.” Get rejected, but get back up. Take it as a learning experience, in the end it’ll be their loss, in the end you both weren’t meant to be in each other’s lives. You won’t always win you won’t always get it your way. But in the end you tried and now you know.

Stop romanticizing the perfect relationship, the what ifs, quick thinking so much. If you want love, intimacy, sex, etc, then go get it. Stop talking, go “do.” Act on it. You got this man.

Let’s get it matt, get those.

[lozematt-blog]

I've grown a lot this last year. I still feel very naive.. I'm glad I know myself a lot more and I'm more comfortable with myself. But I guess I'm still not a people's person. It's still hard to read people. I guess you can't read everyone either. I don't know where I'm going with this. In the end I still feel naive. Too naive, after all that I've gone through this past year.. I feel like I should be more than where I am now.

[lozematt-blog]

Also

Stop tripping over Taylor. There's no reason for it anymore. At this point you're just dwelling on the past when you shouldn't be. It's almost been a year.. fuck that's crazy.. almost an entire year since that all happened.. well good for her I guess. I'm completely different now. Sooooo fucking different compares to last year.. anyways I digress. Before the comedown I felt like I was at 90-95% dunzo. But while I'm in the comedown I feel like I'm back at 80. Dreams of you got me fucked up... sososososososososososososososososooooo fucked up. I don't see why you still come in my mind, or why you should still remotely matter. Obviously I'm not shit to you / I don't matter whatsoever in your life. I just gotta make that last push. Whatever that push is, and just stop. Stop tripping over Taylor matt. There's no point anymore. Find that push, and just hop off. It's long over due.

[lozematt-blog]

Craving. Craving a relationship. That person always there for you any time of the day. That person giving you love, and you loving them. Sexual, physical, mental, emotional intimacy. Connection. Love. I just want that someone again. I don't want to look for it just because I want it bc I have a feeling it'll end up bad. I don't want to force something to happen just because I want it. I guess relationships are one of those things where you gotta go after it as soon as the opportunity comes up. More confidence matt. Just be yourself man. If it's meant to be, it'll work out. Just wait a little more.

[lozematt-blog]

it’s been almost a year since i was in tokyo and i just realised i’ve never posted any pictures from my trip on here. i’m not much of a photographer but i’m really proud of some of the pictures i managed to take so here’s a couple from in and around harajuku and akihabara

[lozematt-blog]

Come down

I can't tell if it's just the come down from audiotistic, but I feel weird.. I feel like I'm not myself. Maybe it's just bc I went ham, maybe it's bc I'm sick, idk.. I just feel different. Also, audio was lit but I wish I actually had more fun and made more memories. I was tripping during the climax of the event, I thought khoa was hella testing me and Julie had me worried as fuck. Idk. Idk if I'll ever do that combo again at an event. Idk. I guess I just need to overcome being sick, then re evaluate myself again. See what I need to do, how to better myself even more. Let's see.

[lozematt-blog]

Me

I don't really understand why I fall for girls so easily. First I was stuck on taylor for YEARS, then stuck on Julie for months for literally no good reason other than to just have a girl as a goal. AND NOW IM STUCK ON A GIRL I JUST MET. We vibed, we skinny dipped, she made out with me. Why the fuck am I so sprung off someone I don't even know. Yeah she's cute, she's cool, she's been through some shit like me. But dude why. Why the fuck do I get so sprung and stuck. I honestly think something is there. No one would just do all that shit with someone they ain't feeling. RIP FEELINGS.

[lozematt-blog]

Confidence

I really need to have more confidence in all aspect of my life. My lack of confidence is really beginning to show in everything. My dancing, the way I talk to people and how I approach others.. damn bruh. If I had more confidence and actually believed in myself and my abilities, I'm pretty sure I'd be making fucking mad amounts of progress and actually getting what I want and where I want to be.. CONFIDENCE MATT UR MATT YA FUCKIN DIG BRO LESSGEDDIT

[lozematt-blog]

Summa daze

6/16 2 AM BRUH... Literally dying of boredom and heat. I just want to play hard, have summer bae or just some type of bae to hit up that's down af. Not even just for sex, but just someone that's down to do whatever whenever and go wherever with me. Even if it's just us two vibing out. No strings or commitment. Alright my usual case of loneliness aside, I just want to have fucking fun dude. Like that's it. I want to make the most of this summer. I hate staying home and being unproductive. I want to cruise around, go places, motherfcking adventures dawg. I wanna soak up the sun with some dope ass company. But no one is down, no one is up this late. Fugh man. I've been stuck at home, watching videos, creating ideal situations, and vaping away. :((((( Damnz doooooooooode I just wanna get outttttt

[lozematt-blog]

J

Reasons: 1) rekindled friendship for about 7 months now and nothing has really changed

2) we barely talk other than talk about upcoming events and inviting each other to go to shit // we barely hang out outside of raves or concerts

3) we’re friends and I’ve known you for years but it still feels like I barely know you, and it’s like you barely know me

4) you’re not this simple minded girl, I’m pretty sure you’re aware that I had / have been feeling you and you haven’t brought anything up ( but I neither have I)

5) you haven’t reciprocated much and it just seems like I’m trying to fill this void (which was once filled by Taylor) with idealistic situations of a potential us when there probably is not even an “us” to begin with

6) when we were on at Martin Garrix I was holding you and you were holding onto me, but you wanted to know if I considered you a close friend, I think you wanted to reassure yourself and also tell me that we are just friends

7) thinking about it, I think the idea of us is more captivating and ideal than what we are now. I mean in the end it just seems like friends and neither of us are really doing anything to go further than that, neither of us are really showing any signs of feels.

I guess in the end the idea of “us” is what got me hooked, the idea of being with someone again, being with someone that has features and a personality that I am attracted to. I guess the only thing I can really do is try and go for it, that’s been the common theme that everyone has pretty much told me. Go for it, try, be straight up, so what it takes to get that message across. And if it goes south then it goes south and if she is immature and not able to continue a friendship with me then that’s on her. In the end I gotta do what I gotta do, and if me potentially having feelings makes her want to push me away then so be it. 3 months matt. You’re spending a lot of time with her this summer. Maybe this is the summer love you wanted and asked for. See what happens, don’t be afraid to lose or fall. You got this no matter the outcome. But why can't I shake this feeling? Why does it keep coming back after I logically sort this out? I guess I might really have feelings for you. I mean if it keeps coming back I either have feelings or I'm in denial of us not happening. But who knows. Only way I'll be able to find out is if I go for it right? Don't be afraid matt you're good don't worry.

[lozematt-blog]

Me

I've noticed that I'm a different person now. I'm overly critical of myself and others. I'm scared of the opinions of others. I hold myself back. I'm awkward and lack social skills. I'm WAY too in my head. I have social anxiety and really bad anxiety in general. I lack confidence in myself entirely. The last year and especially these past 8 months it's gotten increasingly worse. And I'm sure all of this is a direct result of Taylor completely wrecking me. Now I just feel like some half assed version of big, except I don't have confidence, I'm super fucking lazy, I have major social anxiety, I don't get girls left and right, and I don't know. It just feels like there's so many things wrong with me. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin and my anxiety has just gotten worse and worse. And I don't know what to do anymore.

[lozematt-blog]

I'm happy I get to see my cousins from time to time. I feel so distant from all of them. Like they're all strangers except for big. Big is like my older bro, he's the only one that really is there for me amongst the Garcia blood. To everyone else I'm like a ghost that comes up every so often. There's this gap, where my brother and I just disappeared. The crucial time period where bonds were strengthened. Right now all they have to go off of are old memories of when we were kids. But we aren't kids anymore, and I'm not the same person anymore.. the only person I can really be down to chill with is big. Idk why but I feel this pressure from everyone else, like there's some expectation. And I honestly don't know.. idk. I'm sure it's just that I'm not entirely comfortable with anyone, maybe it's just because I did too much and i overexerted myself and let myself get caught up in my thoughts. Yeah I don't know.

[lozematt-blog]

I guess I'm just gonna pour out a bunch of thoughts and feels I've been pushing aside for a bit now.

[lozematt-blog]

Ramble ramble ramble

That new Bryson tiller is speaking to me. Reminds me a lot about you, and the doubts I had throughout it all. Can't help but think about you everyday. Looking back on it, the end of us was really bad. I had many faults, but you had triple the amount. At this point, I hope you're happy. I kinda hope you miss me and think about me too. Or at least from time to time. I gotta stop searching for some empty love to fill this void. I'm still healing. Still moving on from you. But I'm better for sure. I just hope you're happy, and reflect on everything as much as I do. Well maybe I'm just dwelling on it still. Anyways, I just hope you're happy. I love you.

[lozematt-blog]

2:00 AM

For once, I feel genuine happiness. I'm so happy for you brea, the fact that you're in a better place makes me so fucking happy. I think of you as my little sister and one of my closest friends. Stay happy brea. You make me proud to call you my lil sis.