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I am so nornal and good about not resorting to violence when people make sounds while eating. Despite everything
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Took a picture of myself with my new plant and now i feel like the fattest mf on EARTH whyyyyyyyyy
#like i look huge it’s not even funny.#ive been lying to myself that im like. doing ok.#bc my bmi is 21.5#which is gross btw. like. whatever.#but becaude it’s technically very healthy ive been trying to be okay with it.#but i cannot take it snymore. genuinely.#my entire body feels huge and horrible. i regret my food choices today.#i want to relapse like to the extreme and get back to my lw like all i want is to still be that bmi.#like i KNOW i was miserable. but at least i didnt weigh this fucking much.#like if i keep gaining weight i’ll be ??????? SO SO SO huge????#im just terrified of weighing myself and being over 60 kg.#like i dont think i’d survive.#it sounds so dramatic but i feel sick thinking ablut it.#all i want is to be 45 kg again. genuinely wtf have i been doing trying to recover.
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im at the point of autism where all my daydreams and imaginary scenarios are about islolating myself and never having to interact with anyone in any way ever
#dont think that would be great but it feels so difficult to be around people#when i was a child i used to dream about being alone in space.#i would dream about becoming an animal and livin in the forest all alone.#and i know i need community and society and friends and family.#but it feels so so so difficult and all i want to do is self isolate.
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Im also soooooo stable rn it’s crazy
#(i only wanted to relapse for a few hrs today)#(but then i took my meds and now im happy as a clam. or wat evr)
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ngl i think ”i’m asexual but” jokes are a bit too freaky (as the kids say) when compared to im straight/gay but jokes
#bc im asexual but i like red apples is . implying straight up penetrative sex.#but im straight but i like red apples is lowkey just like. uea straight peoplecant do that#u know. like it’s less sexual.#and i YEARN to say stupid shit but i dont want to imply that i fuck fruit.
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u know wat. i get why all those 1800s-1900s writers killed themselves.
#thry didnt even have antipsychotics.#they had opium and poison.#and VERY easy access to gas ovens.#like im so stable rn like soooooo stable because i got back on my meds#and a week ago!!!!!! i was actually rly not ok w being alive.#like i was up on pinterest saving sylvia plath quotes to private boards.#crying 2 hrs every day having constant constant CONSTANT suicidal thoughts#like i’ll be on antipsychotics foreverrrrr if that’s what it takes to not be unmedicated me.#my point is. if i were alive 120 yrs ago. i would kill myself because i would have this brain and no solution.
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if i had a name that rhymed with a treat of some sort u would NEVER hear the last of it from me. it'd be candy for mandy, treat for pete, choccy for rocky, xanny for fanny, drink for flink, cola for ola, new plant for shew kant et cetera EVERY day of my LIFE.
#dont worry i am not in charge or naming anyone in the next several years.#collie for oli perhaps. but i do not want to buy a border collie every day of my life. i also think my cat would kill me after the first on#molly for oli!!! but i don't want to be addicted to drugs.#folly for oli. for my whimsical absurdness and stupidity. yea. i don't like it though i wish i had treat for pete i would say it 24/7
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i think people should experience antipsychotics jysr to see what it is like before saying anything ever about manginh side effects. they should also try out a free trial of mentall illness that cannot be treated in any other way than antipsychotics. methinks that would make the world funnier
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why does my default setting have to be suicidal
#just wondering#im off my antipsychotics that i take for mood stabilization#i cannot stop thinking about wanting to kill myself.#like it can be bad even when medicated but this is extreme
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kinda sucks that w my meds im fat hungry tired crazy binging purging restricting and w/o my meds im still most of those things just slightly less but constantly suicidal rather than occasionally
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r antipsychotics a scam just wondering bc why am i still suicidal n miserable
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lol
#hate that i gained weight i want to lose weight until im nothing and then die.#i hate my brain i hate how it doesnt work i hate how im so so so sad#my meds dont fix me thry just kinda numb my emotions which is fine bc all my emotions are bad#but then i feel smth and it’s always so so so bad.
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ohhhh i AM stupid they think im a gym person on a cut. and i need to eat vegetables instead of eating 1 yoghurt and looking sad.
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WHAT
#😭😐#idk if im misunderstanding bc surely it’s not. like. youre gurrently the one on the right try being the left instead?#maybe it’s you need to lose weight. instead of esting nothing you should eat healthy food???#like it’s either calling me snorexic or fat thinking about becoming anorxic? or smth?#am i stupid? like? is this what it means?
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kinda feel like idk how to eat balanced normsl diet
#want to lose like 8 kg.#but dont want to fully relapse.#but cant make myself cook or eat food i dont want to.#idk what to do.
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sometimes. ppl make up a person to be angry at. and it’s like GREAT. show him to me. present them and their views. can you find someone like her???? or is it just a generalisation of a group and opinion that you dislike and fanfiction of them doing something that makes u angey. get real.
#if someone says something dumb. Yeah thats one thing they said. they personally.#it’s not all [group] are always stupid and think [belief i disagree with] and it’s bad because [made up scenario]#be fr. Find enemies that exist. specific people. please.
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