lsdacidtrip

[lsdacidtrip]

i just re-read a bllk kaisagi fanfiction abt isagi getting a kaiser plush because it came together with a noel noa plush and him getting really into dressing it up and bringing it out with him to cute cafes and stuff to take pictures of it and ahhhhhhh first of all i need more fanfictions like that. i literally do not like kaisagi, i kind of hate it, i hate kaiser in general sorry not sorry he pmo. but i'm talking abt fics that are like abt a habit or quirk that a character has, it's so cute! and second, i wANT A RIN PLUSH NOW. i rlly want a rin plush i want a rin plush i want a rin plush iwantarinplushsobadly.

i'm not even rlly into dressing up the plush like isagi does in the fic, nor do i really go anywhere that wld be a place worthy of taking pictures, but i just want to have it as a comfort item, like just be able to carry it around in my pocket or hang it on my bag when i go out or smthg. i kind of do that rn with the luka/ivan figures that i have, but they're kinda bulky and not very convenient to have in my pocket. realistically i cld buy one but do i really want to spend money on it? i've already spent so much on alnst merch this year, it's the first real merch that i've ever really had of anything i like. i cld wait for a friend to gift it to me but i don't think that's ever going to happen tbh and i'd prbly have to pay back my friend for it anyways.

agh capitalism is corrupting me T-T

btw the fic link is https://archiveofourown.org/works/61652182

[lsdacidtrip]

alexis ness my beautiful baby boy i love you ur so pretty and cute

look at his cute little smile and his heeled boots they're so nice and he looks very pretty

idk smthg abt his stance contradicts the expression he has on his face, like the way he stands make me think that he'll have like kaiser's expression on his face, like that weird smirk thing that he does, but then i look at him and it's just a cutie patootie smiling with those pretty eyes ^,^

lowkey his smile reminds me of chuuya's turtle smiles, but ness' is way cuter and suits him

[lsdacidtrip]

i actually am like so scared of ever getting drunk because it's a huge fear of mine that i'll get inebriated and then do something so incredibly embarrassing and can never face anyone i saw that night ever again. even if i never see them again i will always perpetually think abt me embarrassing myself that night and how i'll forever be in those peoples' minds as the person who got blackout drunk and ate shit or smthng. i am not the protagonist of the world but i am when i humiliate myself because everyone will remember that moment and me no matter what.

and i can't even say that no one's looking and i'm just imagining people judging me because we live in an era where someone is always recording and there is always a chance that you've been captured on film/camera forever, living in perpetuity on someone's phone and potentially on the internet if they decide to post it with a caption like "look at this fuckass what is she doing lmaoooo"

i can't do this anymore i hate everything even if i'm pouring all of my thoughts out into this void of a blog at least i'm aware of what i'm posting, i chose to post this

also i think getting drunk gives me anxiety and makes it hard for me to breathe

[lsdacidtrip]

BOOBA

i want to squeeze big booba so badly rn

not even joking, femlock alexis ness is so beautiful and cute and she's just so pretty and she looks so soft and squishy i love her and i want to hold her hand and cup her face and braid her hair and paint her nails and i want her to hug me and we can kiss on the cheeks and...i think i'm touch starved

sharp contrast but she also makes me want to gouge my eyeballs out and offer them to her. lowkey also wanna make her bleed, just yank her hair real bad and claw at her stomach

puplexis' femlock art makes me want to cry it's so pretty and i love the style and i love the way the eyes and lips are drawn and aghhhhhhh it makes me wanna just chomp and rip their cheeks to shreds

fem rin itoshi could actually just glare at me and i'd melt she's such an emo baddie and so pretty and just pls pls let me rip ur skin open i wanna crawl inside of u

ok but realistically i would not want this with a real person. i can't stand the thought of actually touching someone else like the way i described before, especially in a romantic sense. like i actually shudder at the thought of being intimate with a person who i like love? i can't even imagine being in love with someone. that sounds like so much work, everything that i read about being in love sounds like a lot of pressure. wdym i can't stop thinking abt them. i know i already fixate on rin and ness and ivan a lot but that's different, i feel detached from them because they're not real and i have no chance of ever seeing any of them irl. but if i were to fall for someone real?? and actually potentially see them in my day to day life??? no, that's too much to deal with, i'm already stressed trying to make friends (i have not made a single new friend since the beginning of the fall semester), i don't want to be perceived pls. i don't even text most of my close hs friends without them texting me first or wtv, in what world could i ever have an intimate relationship with someone without them like getting frustrated over a lack of communication?

bye anyways i'll stick to the friends i have rn and just being friends. ppl are so hard to understand and trying to make good conversation is terrible, idek if i can ever learn how to communicate better without sounding like a fool. i literally cannot sound natural in any conversation ever, the only reason that i don't feel insane when i'm talking to my friends is because we all just don't care about whether we stay on topic or not and we can just jump from one thing to the next, and they also don't care if i just go quiet in the middle bc they'll just talk to each other while i listen.

also, my one very close friend and i get along and i can keep a conversation with them, if it can even be called that atp, because we just talk about wtv is interesting to us, which, we like a lot of the same things and we share a lot of the same interests like genshin and hsr and other anime/manga. we match each other's freak :D and also if i like smthng i can talk about it for a while, like i can ramble but i can't do that in conversations with anybody but this one friend because otherwise it'll expose my insanity. my previous post is what i sound like irl, except it's worse irl, and literally no one except this one friend will get me and i'm too ashamed to converse in the same way with my other friends because it is absolutely freak behavior and our other friends would have an aneurysm if they heard our conversations. i cannot have a normal conversation with anyone new because all i know is freak behavior. literally every conversation i have with anyone new is so awkward and i always come out of the interaction embarrassed as shit.

why oh why was i born when literally everyone has to talk to everybody and everything is on blast all the fucking time, why i can't just live isolated on a farm tending a flock of sheep or goats or chickens or something and ignore civilization T-T

but yes big booba i love femlock ness and rin and sae and also shidou <333

[lsdacidtrip]

sometimes i hate chemistry and other times it's not so bad. i hate exams though. i really hate chemistry exams. i hate that i chose to take summer classes even if it'll benefit me in the long run unless i fail the course. i'm going to cry i hate going to an 8am chem lecture so much. i just want to read about boys kissing and crying together is that so wrong.

sorry i'm complaining a lot but i really don't know why i did this to myself. i'm pissed though because i'm also taking stat 213 and i had to pay for the textbook because i didn't realize that activating my account on the platform would automatically activate the free trial for the textbook, so that's just great. at least i'm getting financial aid and i have an internship opportunity lined up for the second half of summer.

on another note, i think i need mental help because there is no reason for me to be interested in the things i'm interested in. i've realized in the past few months that what i think is relatively unbothered for my own tastes may not be quite so normal to other people. like i'm not that much of a bad person, i think, but i'm a little morally grey/blind, as in it's difficult for me to feel like something that is normally considered ethically wrong by society is actually ethically wrong, specifically in fanfiction. i don't condone most, if not all, of what i'm interested in irl. i know logically that there are things that would be considered to be depraved by others, but there's a disconnect and i lowkey don't care. i think that if i like the way a character is written, then i don't really care what situations they're put into in a fanwork. it's why i enjoy reading angst and hurt/no comfort so much, just to see the suffering of my characters.

um tw for incest and stuff? idk i talk a bit about violent urges and a little about sibling incest but it's primarily me gushing about the itoshi brothers

some of my favorite fanfictions are probably somewhat abnormal, though recently i've been into itoshicest. it's kind of terrible and awful to say i enjoy it, i know, but i love the dynamic between rin and sae just as a rivalry and brotherhood, their misunderstandings of each other and the intense loathing that rin has for sae that draws the thin line between hatred and love. i enjoy the desperation and yearning that rin has for sae, wanting to beat and surpass him, and sae's returning nonchalance and indifference in their rivalry, but knowing that sae literally has no idea why rin is beefing with him makes it so pathetic on rin's end. i think that sexual relationships tell a lot about a person, and having rin and sae in that sort of a relationship lets me read about their relationship in a more intense and fucked up way, the part of their relationship that i love the most. they are both so fucked up in every incest fic that i've read, and i love reading their thought processes, they're just so codependent and toxic and doomed together, always a portrayal of self-loathing and mental instability that is not canon compliant, but i feel is probably realistic, if exaggerated, given what we know about them.

outside of sexual and romantic lenses, the itoshi brothers are so fascinating to me, and even though we know a little about what happened to sae when he went to spain and what caused his shift from striker to midfielder, his decision to provoke rin in that manner, his harsh words and deliberate abandonment just makes me want to dig into his brain and understand how he ever thought that wouldn't devastate rin and lead to his current attitude towards him. i want to understand why he's pushing rin away without explaining to him, even if fundamentally i agree that rin should not be so dependent on sae as his motivation. but i think sae really does still love rin if he said all of that shit to force rin to lose his dependence on sae, because it just means that he wants to see rin succeed where he failed, he wants rin to become a better striker than he was, become the number one striker when he realized he couldn't. their dream to be first and second best may be gone, but instead for sae, i want to believe that it's been replaced by a dream to the best striker and best midfielder, each playing to their own strengths, but on a field together.

it's not to excuse the harshness of his words to rin when he came back though, because i actually think it wouldn't have been unreasonable for rin to have killed himself after hearing them. that one extra chapter blue lock: omotesando or something where sae send rin a ticket to one of his games and rin literally almost dies trying to get it back after it flies away in the wind, rin's attitude toward life and existing are so nihilistic. he says that he's starting to feel like everything doesn't matter and that being alive is irritating, annoying, tiring, and disgusting.

i feel like his disregard for life stems back to childhood. everything we see of him in his younger years doesn't really scream like he cares about living, more so that he cares about the experiences of feeling. he's said that he likes watching the antagonist of stories fight and go against obstacles, either defeating them or being defeated, he enjoys destroying his toys and causing chaos for other people, he just doesn't seem to really care about anything other than sae and destroying things around him, whether that's himself (see: rin jumping off the playground structure to try and catch birds and him not really seeming to notice his nosebleed or the pain usually associated with that sort of injury, him crashing face first into the jenga blocks, him not caring about falling off the wall by the beach, etc), or other things.

without sae, i'm not gonna lie, i think rin would have died in some sort of freak accident and i'm not even sure that rin would have been fully cognizant to be scared during it. in the above scenes he's always gazing at something beyond, and maybe i'm reading too much into it but sometimes it feels like he's not totally there because he wants to be somewhere else, free from the stagnancy of living in a physical body where he's limited. his shirt when he's playing with his toys in that panel says hot limit, rin plays and breaks his toys, pushing them past their limits because he wants to see them broken and defeated; in a similar sense he seems to plays soccer to break himself or his opponents, pushing beyond his limits and theirs to see who comes out on top, and i think that's partially why he doesn't really care about coming off as nice or non-abrasive. he wants to be an antagonist, going against the protagonist in a battle to push them both to the brink of destruction, and because there is always someone stronger, rin probably won't ever run out of obstacles to defeat, unless he himself decides that he has been defeated and broken down, reaching his limits. being the villain makes others see him as a threat so they'll always challenge him, giving him something to do and work toward until he's defeated.

also, being the younger brother and always being in sae's shadow, i think rin is a lot more dependent on sae than sae is on rin. i don't think it's canon, but i love the idea that rin's love for horror stems from his need to replace the loneliness of sae being away, the adrenaline giving him a rush that he felt playing with sae. rin's entire being makes me want to scream and sob, he's so pathetic in a good way. him as a kid, head empty, no thoughts, craving destruction, breaking everything but sae, i just love him so much. he's so cute but knowing who he becomes after sae's words...!! he makes me want to stomp on his neck. the visuals that he induces are literally so cool, like the moment during the u-20 match when he goes into his flow state, the visual of the screen breaking up in red and green, becoming staticky and the pan to just his side profile with his eyes bulging and maw open to let out breath. it's just so woah and when he's breaking past the demons, those demons are so intense and cool and lowkey i want a tattoo of that scene. his body language becomes more wild and, apologies if this is insensitive or offensive to anyone, but he looks feral and i love him for it so much. he's just so pretty and insane and rahhhhh i wanna carve open his ribs to cradle his heart. rin is literally just so me-core, and i need him more violent, more insane. like i said, his destroyer flow makes me giddy because it's just so beautiful and animalistic and the change in his expression and body language is so pretty, i want to dig into his veins and and his eyes and watch him bleed.

tangentially, i'd like to say that i'm not particularly violent, but my friends would probably say otherwise, and i won't disagree. blood and viscera have always interested me, and i often have urges to physically harm the people in my life that i give a shit about, whether they're real or not. alexis ness? the way his mouth is shaped makes me want to bash his teeth in and his cover on the manga makes me want to yank his hair, bash his head against the floor, and tighten the chain around his neck until he suffocates. the moments when he's pissed at isagi for "stealing" away kaiser, specifically that panel where he's biting his lower lip makes me scream with joy, he's such an expressive little guy and i wanna break his face for it!! i'm particularly focused on eyes as well, stabbing eyes or squeezing them until they pop in a goopy, gory mess is something i think about a lot. opening up a body to see glistening organs, white bone glinting under the pretty red of blood? beautiful and i imagine it to be so warm. it'd be so warm to be inside a person's skin, but i get the feeling that i wouldn't like the tacky, wet sensation.

anyways, there are some of my thoughts on the itoshi brothers and the sorts of things i'm interested in, although i've never really verbalized all of this together. this felt kind of cathartic even though i should be studying for my chem exam. thanks bye

[lsdacidtrip]

this is now my personal diary

anyways hi. if anyone's reading this, highkey don't really know how you found me, but i hope you have fun. i'm just rambling most of the time about whatever. there is no professionalism in anything i'm saying, nothing particularly profound, just shitposting mostly about what's on my mind that i wanna talk about so :D

i'm probably going to be talking a lot about what i'm fixated on at the moment, which as of right now, is blue lock and alien stage. i'm gna be so honest, i haven't even watched blue lock, but i know way too much abt most of what's going on in both and i'm too attached to ness and rin.

i love alexis ness and rin itoshi, they're both just insane and mentally ill and violent and i love them. their violence excites me. rin's destroyer flow makes me feel smthg, like i get giddy. ivan and luka as well, they both need help, but i need them to keep being insane because i get it, i get ivan's paratise specifically. sometimes i need to crawl into the skin of the characters and people i like, i need to leave physical marks on them, i need to feel them, their warmth.

other things i'm interested in but to a lesser degree, like i can talk about them but kind of don't care:

genshin impact - i've been a steady player for the past 4-ish years but i'm not particularly attached to anyone, at least not enough to really have meaningful conversations. i'm perfectly willing to hear what anyone has to say though, especially ragbros (controversially, either platonic or romantic is fine, though i prefer platonic)

hsr - similar situation to genshin, but i know even less lore, i've just been really liking amphoreus and the recent meta. i've been into ratiorine and dancae lately though

jjk - haven't watched it, stsg kind of just orbits my brain once in a while and i really love the scenes of gojo letting loose and going insane

solo leveling - meh, i've watched the anime, and read some of the manhwa, mostly just for the fight scenes

apothecary diaries - i've read what's translated, but nothing beyond that

link click - i've watched up to the briton arc and that's it, but i'm planning on watching that when i get the motivation to continue it. i love lu guang and cheng xiaoshi sm

the hunter's gonna lay low - i've read the translated manhwa and am slowly making my way through the novel

wind breaker - haven't watched it but sakura hurt comfort/no comfort makes me happy

harry potter - nothing past the first 7 books

teen wolf - haven't watched it, but i still know an uncomfortable amount about the world, and stiles stilinski is just mwah

voltron: legendary defender - it's just klance, i've forgotten a lot of what actually happened

and several isekais

please note that i'm fairly certain that i'm aroace or somewhere on that spectrum, so i typically do not care much about and can't really relate to sexual/sensual interpretations or thoughts regarding characters, unless it's in the sense that it's between two characters. shipping is a large reason why i engage in these pieces of media, and i generally do not care who you ship, just don't try to fight me on it.

pronouns don't really matter to me though i use she/they irl. also, i'm bad at social cues and interpreting tones, especially through text.

thanks bye good night