lucas242

[lucas242]

I do alright most days but even when I feel like I'm wearing it on my face, no one can see how broken I really am.

[lucas242]

dont.choke_

[lucas242]

It's been over 2 years since I've been with someone. Sex is easy to get but the bullshit that comes with it is not worth it if I don't see a future with them. I'm want a wife, not a fuck buddy that doesn't give a shot about me.

[lucas242]

I've always liked sleeping on the couch more than my bed, but nowadays I do it because a big bed reminds me that she's not there. I feel less alone on the couch.

[lucas242]

Stuck somewhere between wanting to love and be loved again and knowing that it's not a good idea until I get right with myself.

[lucas242]

I just want someone to be excited about me like I get excited about them, fuck me right?

[lucas242]

"Why do you still miss her, it's been years."

She made me feel comfortable in my own skin, something I had never felt before and haven't really felt since.

[lucas242]

I've seen you walk on flames. I've seen you in the clothes you've made and you, see the beauty I have inside of me. What happened to the beauty I had inside of me?

[lucas242]

5 words. 5 words is all it would take, 5 words to change your heart and mind.

5 words. Repeating over in your head, that's all you ever have to do.

5 words. Is it really that hard to say?

You're Worth More Than This.

[lucas242]

Be me, getting better and more comfortable in my own skin. Actually open to having a relationship for the first time in 5 years. Find a girl that might be worth my time. She's not exactly my type but I'm interested. Start talking regularly, hang out and it goes well, keep talking regularly. One day 2 weeks in, she gets distant, stops answering questions, gives one worded answers, turns chats to delete instantly. I stop snapping her and she doesn't care. So tired of this shit man, same shit every time. I'm not gonna compete with whatever dude she's talking to. Not going to be a side piece, not going to be an option for someone. Either choose me or fuck off.

[lucas242]

[lucas242]

If It Means A Lot To You

[lucas242]

Damn dude, this isn't even the most heartbreaking one.

Had a snapchat memory today from two years ago with Cortney. We were watching a movie and Sweetie, one of her cats, was laying on my lap. I was petting her roughly and she was slowly getting agitated with it. Cortney said 'she's going to get tired of your shit,' then laughed. It killed me, I cried discreetly because Adam is on the couch next to me. Then I replayed it twice just to hear your laugh again. Why do I do this shit to myself.

[lucas242]

If only younger me knew that I would get to see them do a They're Only Chasing Safety tour in 2024, and I would get to see them play When the Sun Sleeps live, and get to see a bunch of other songs off the album on video from other spots. Younger me would have been so pumped. I am still in absolute awe that I got to scream and bawl my eyes out with Spencer, 10 feet from him. Fuck that was such a good night. Would have gotten to see it twice but a snowstorm hit Cleveland and I couldn't go. That night will live in my memory forever.

Still so bummed that I'm never going to see an Underoath concert where they play their old music. They still tour. But only play their new music, which I'm honestly not that fond of. I wish I could see them when they toured and played their Changing Of Times album. That entire album speaks to me in ways that no other music does. When the Sun Sleeps, A Message for Adrienne, Alone in December. They all make me feel, they make me bawl my eyes out as I scream along with Spencer, and I absolutely love it. Their new music just doesn't do that for me. I wish I knew of a cover band that played their old music, I would travel anywhere to hear it live.

[lucas242]

I'm still in love with a girl that doesn't exist anymore. I wish I knew how to let her go. She wouldnt accept me for who I've grown to be, and I have a feeling I'd feel the same way about her. Even if somehow we could give it another shot it would probably fall apart quickly. But I'm terrified I'm wrong. I'll never settle for anyone less than who you were to me. I may never find my girl, but if I do I'm going to make her the happiest girl in the world. I just have to be careful because I don't ever want to make someone feel the way I've felt for the past 5 years.

[lucas242]

If we ever get to talk again, I swear I'm going to have to fight myself to keep from telling her that I'm going to love her until the day I die. I've tried to kill it but what I felt for her was the most real thing I've ever felt and it's never going to leave me. I've accepted that. I've been on dates with other girls and felt absolutely nothing towards them. I had a short fling with a girl Adam hooked me up with and couldn't let myself date her. I had a fling with a coworker for 2 years and never felt with her what we had. She made some of my wildest fantasies come true and I still didn't want to be with her the way I was with you. I went on a kinda date thing today with a girl I've been talking to and viking with for a while now and I felt absolutely nothing towards her. I fear that I'm never going to be able to give myself to someone because you still remain at the forefront of my thoughts most days. I mean, shit, I did an extra loop on a post test drive yesterday because it was about the time you would have gotten out of work and would be driving on that road, and was nervous about just driving past you. Just a chance to see you maybe smile and acknowledge me raises my heart rate exponentially. That moment never came, and I went back to the shop and continued life as normal.

[lucas242]

I'm not searching the sky, for a reason to live. I found beauty right here, and a passion to give.