lucefrs

[lucefrs]

          tl;dr: luce thinks about how she should have never ended up at georgetown in the first place, and the domino effect it had on her life. after flunking out of gallagher, she savours the summer. her and scott break up sometime after new years. a quick onslaught of success makes her feel wary, unsure how to not take up space she doesn’t deserve after doing it so many times before. she performs her own song in the lower east side.

                                                                      insp for the song she plays at the end. 

BEFORE.

luce is a bright child but lacks in the area of self discipline and application. she would benefit from paying closer attention during class discussion.

she knew from a very young age that she was not smart. at least not by the metric that institutions measure by. the unlucky curse that has kept her in the stream of academia is this: luce frear is smart enough. to graduate secondary school because it’s a key that unlocks america’s golden arches. to pursue higher education when she gets the encroaching feeling that she’s going to be found out that she doesn’t actually have any family friend's as guarantors. at the time, she doesn’t know how impossible georgetown is. but finding herself in the company of a man who will pay for her to do well, with a tutor that makes the s.a.t’s boil down to a formula of memorization and deduction is a genius move. those three hours are brutal, she struggles but she struggles through it, proud that only a handful of questions were left unanswered. it’s only after she's sat for it that she realizes how impossible georgetown is with it’s fourteen percent acceptance rate.

she uses his mailing address to apply, so it’s him that greets her with a sealed envelope that makes her stomach turn as soon as she opens the door. out of the corner of her eye she sees a bottle of champagne sitting in a bucket of ice. she knows what the letter will say: her sat score’s a valiant effort, enough to get her into any state school, but by no means exceptional. bracing herself for his disappointment she pushes the folded paper towards him so she can pretend his disappointment’s directed at the words on the page and not at her. but the skin at the corner of his eyes pinches and there’s no crease between his brows and she knows something is very wrong. or very right. she’s not sure, at the time it’s all very muddled, thinking about how much she likes that there's no place for his smile to hide, and how that's going to be one of her favourite parts of getting old. his smile that runs right to the tip of his nose, bumps against her cheek when he kisses her. he’s kissing her. he’s happy. because of her. she’s made him happy. that's good. she's happy too. then he’s by the kitchen counter, shaking off the champagne from his hand that’s flows over the lip of the bottle and she’s saying things like, ‘   my sat scores were no where near the average,    ’ and he counters that she shouldn’t disregard the importance of supplemental essays and she makes fun of how he talks because she always does. a girl’s got nothing but a gut to trust, and every glass of champagne’s a fuck you to it. luce never pukes from having too much to drink. she pukes in his shower. luce is not smart, but she’s smart enough not to question how she got into georgetown university.

‘   god, you’re so smart luce. we could call it the boyfriend guesses my lip gloss challenge.   ’ she only hears the first part, boasting a smile that makes the apples of her cheeks swell, all rosy like. at the time gallagher had felt like a enticing romp, bound by infatuation, the glint of the dew that hung at the end of the school’s weeping willows sparkling so bright that her heart-shaped sunglasses couldn’t subdue it. luce has never waited for anything, but her first few months at gallagher felt like a gift the universe had hand-picked, oblivious of her christmas list doodled with music notes and brand names of dresses that cost seven hundred dollars, it felt like finding treasure. smart’s an understatement, genius is more apt. she lets this sentiment lead, when the offer to stay comes soaring towards at her like paper plane that falls right into the palm of her hands. it makes logical sense to stay. scott’s here.

she’ll adapt. but gallagher starts to feel worlds away, and as much as she digs her heels into the gravel, gravity starts to slip from her grasp. but how could she can complain? in outer space, anywhere she looks there’s an endless landscape of stars, bright and twinkling, beckoning her towards the nearly planet. but it makes her want to cry when she sees the blue-green dot recede into the distance.

PRESENT-ISH.

luce has her final exam tomorrow and she’s going to crush it. she’s so excited she can’t sleep. there’s no way she could fail it, unless she slept through it but that won’t happen because she has five alarms set and a scott for safe measure. she’s so excited her heart’s sprinting from her sternum to her stomach and it would be classified as nausea if she didn’t know it was just plain excitement. she winces at the brightness from her phone as she checks the time. 3:36. if she falls asleep in the next four minutes she’ll have a solid four hours, but as soon as she closes her eyes her heart runs like it’s just heard the start of the piston, and the percentage she needs to get in order to pass the class rings aloud and reverberates against her brain. forty six percent. she doesn’t even need to pass the exam in order to pass the class — she’s going to be a gallagher girl. whether she likes it or not. in the dark, her hand finds the nob of his bedside drawer, carefully sliding it open, her fingers tinkering inside to feel for whatever weed scott has, gifted joints or a prized gram for winning a dumb luck game. he always has something, even after he passes some of it on to seb. she doesn’t go far, slips out of his grasp and onto the lantern lit cobbled pavements, follows it strictly like she’s on a board in a game of snakes and ladders, stopping every time she takes a drag. she eventually falls against a bench like an abandoned rag-doll, limbs splayed every which way and falls asleep until she's woken up by the rev of a motorcycle engine set as her alarm. luce goes through the pre-test motions with due diligence, takes a shower and eats a proper meal, as though there's someone waiting to accuse her of self-sabotage. she picks up her tote that's packed from the night before and gives the test her all. it's not her fault that her focus wavered in five minute blocks, or that nerves make her feel as though there's an ongoing tussle in her tummy. she treats the residual high as something she couldn't possibly have controlled, it should've left her system by now. and she’s a hero for persevering through it. she tried her best. and in spite of it all, she still fails. thank god.

SUMMER.

she doesn’t want the summer to end. it does anyways.  

INTERLUDE

she's not the type to tuck herself into the booth, but harper’s gone to the bathroom and luce has a gnarly blister on the back of her heel, and her head’s been swimming in cheap liquor all night with no reprieve. she can’t get her head above water for more than a minute before falling back under. her gaze catches a couple in the corner, slow dancing to david guetta and her lips curl into a wry smile, his lips cushioned against his neck, murmuring something she’ll never know, and then they’re laughing — maybe about the fact that they’re slow dancing to memories, or because they’re in love, everything’s funnier when you’re in love. a tiny giggle, lost to the boom of the speakers escapes her, because she’s so in love too.

i miss you.   missing ur 🍆 spare nudes? 🙏🏼 ft? x

she holds down the backspace key and puts her phone away.

                                                         ***

‘   i don't know how to miss you in the right way,   ’ she says after a bout of silence, it makes her stomach lurch, like stepping off a ledge and finding the ground lower than expected. there’s no chance to blink back the tears, and she’s so in shock from what she’s just said that she makes no motion to cover her face from him, staring down the barrel of the webcam, like she’s on the brink of death. she’d give up the forty years of her life to get to the part where she can look back on this fondly, of a great love that once was. her child-like whimpers have her grappling for breath. ‘   it hurts.   ’ she manages to sputter out, and she knows it’s hurting him too. eventually, luce will blink away the last of her tears, because she needs this picture to really believe it.

SOMETIME, SOME DAY.

she's not so much herself as she is everyone else. there are pieces of her in the crescendo of what billboard deems the song of the summer. she’s etched in the familiarity of the bass in the last song played before last call — the resonant thrum of waking up blacked out on the front lawn of an ex best friend. the producer that the lead singer can't function without. the origin story of a grammy nominated album which started on the fire escape, exiled by roaches, a guitar slung like a rifle entering the wild wild west of cicadas and greeted by an empty ashtray save for a half abandoned spliff. a story deified for late night talk shows with parrot hosts and their fake squawks. it’s all made up names in CD booklets that no one looks at anyways. it doesn’t make her an enigma, she has a wikipedia page. record labels take her out for lunch, and she goes because she likes people, even the kind who gawk at her pretty face, drooling at the dollar signs in her doe brown eyes and blonde hair. of course, they love her, a girl who orders salad but doesn’t skip dessert — a reluctance toward fame but endlessly optimistic about the future of the music industry, splits the bill and turns a handshake into a hug when they express their keen interest in working with her. there’s a twinkling note of laughter when she pulls away and says, ‘    you’ve never even heard me sing. i’m not good enough.   ’ and she realizes with a twitch of bitterness that she doesn’t have to be, and things working out feels more like a curse when it isn’t deserved.

she talks but can't write unless it's in time signatures and treble clefs and if she does manage to write in a language comprised of letters ( which has only ever happened once ) she can't sing - unless it’s for boys she likes. so she poaches a voice, scrolling through the repertoire of people who have held her heart in their hands. her song is the last song of his set and it sounds like this. they smile through every note, she laughs at his falsetto in the last chorus. she plays her heart out with a vigour that leaves her palms moist, expecting that when the song ends there’ll be a silence broached by the slow clap of j.k simmons. luce lives in a movie and can feel the montage scene catch up to her. she can feel the lingering memory that never existed : a swollen belly and walls painted pink, a toddler that makes their white picket fenced garden a stomping ground, a cinematic pan across a fairy-lit paris, and night walks. when she looks over, she’ll see him, but she’s going to change the ending. her pinky hovers above the last key she played, letting the sound ring out into silence, before they’re met with fervent applause and whistles. this is the moment. luce looks into the crowd. she looks into the crowd and none of the faces are him because why would they be ? she hadn’t told anyone. the only person who knew was herself. it was hers. this moment is hers and she cradles it close, because she’s never had something of her own before. not really. but she likes the way it feels. the man who once held her heart in his hand kisses the top of her head and praises her with a plunging bow. she looks into the sea of strangers who watch her and she watches them back. this is the moment. hers alone. and she’s never felt less lonely.

[lucefrs]

OOFIMOGEN

imogen  kind  of  wants  to  ask  about  the  school  year  in  ways  she  never  felt  she  could  over  text  but  just  being  around  luce  is  so  comforting  she  doesn’t  feel  the  need  to .  almost  doesn’t  want  to  anymore  because  it  doesn’t  matter  if  the  blonde  is  still  here ,  being  luce .  “  i’d   LOVE  that .  ”  the  sleepover ,  not  so  much  sleeping  at  gallagher .  though  she’ll  ground  her  worries  with  the  idea  that  everyone  could  be  there  and  then  she  knows  she’ll  feel  safe .  “   my  pjs  are  in  allie’s  apartment ,  though .  ”  she  laughs ,  shaking  her  head .  “  and  …  well ,  i  don’t  really  know  what  she’s  doing  tonight .  ”  because  imogen  caught  her  leaving  outside  with  levi  earlier .  

                                 ‘   then it’s settled ! allie’s staying over too. she told me through her actions. which a wise man once said speaks louder than words. that man ? jesus christ.   ’ not actually, she’d just caught a glimpse of her and levi together and figured that allie’s too cute to resist pillow talk with. besides, imo could borrow her pyjamas — she has an endless reserve of oversized tees. ‘   what do you want to do tonight ? we can do anything you want.    ’ 

[lucefrs]

MARTINAW​

Martina squeezed Luce’s hands, thankful for some guidance through this crisis she’s having in the middle of a gala, for goodness sake! “That’s my favorite place,” she sighed dreamily. The gardens, she means. “So heaven’s here? On earth?” Martina fully expected to find her grandmother nestled in the flowers, in her favorite yellow dress, waiting for her.

                               ‘   mm,   ’ she hums, her heaven’s ever-changing, a psychedelic dream that never stops unfolding, pretty trippy — and she catches glimpses of it on earth all the time. ‘   mhm.    ’ she nods, a wide smile gracing her lips, there’s a twinkle in her gaze, a sparkle, the same way sun reflects off water. ‘   thy lord decrees we must take a shot to celebrate.   ’

[lucefrs]

BCKETTS​

– “OH, SORRY!” ALLIE APOLOGIZES, “ very real, i think, thank god. unless i’m ALSO part of the simulation and neither of us are real at all, in which case…well, no point in worrying about it ? ” she shrugs weakly, but the smile on her lips won’t go away, she’s just so happy to see her. another reason to despise gallagher is that it took luce from her, she can’t help the bitterness. “ okay, okay, you just can’t disappear, ” allie instructs, loosening her hold. “ how are you ? where’s scott ? did you ace your first year ? ” she only asks the final question because she assumes the answer is yes, duh. 

                            the mention of a simulation makes her jaw go slack as if she’s hearing about it for the first time, even though she’s hung out with enough stoners who’ve claimed they’re on the threshold of enlightenment to make it the seventh time. ‘   make sure me and allie have the best night ever !    ’ cranes her neck to where the supposed controller is, because the only way she can wrap her head around a simulated reality is likening it to a game of the sims. ‘   promise i won’t.   ’ smattering kisses all over before she loops her arm in her, all the strength of a chain-linked friendship bracelet. ‘   he’s somewhere ... i think he wanted to practice his twerk for beyonce.   ’ a fruitless scan around the room comes up empty, but her gaze lands right back on allie who fills her heart just as much. ‘   if we’re being honest, think i’m getting kicked out like. well, not think. know. which sucks ‘cos i really wanted to stay with — i just really wanted to stay like. but you have to pass your classes, the first time round.   ’

[lucefrs]

SKYLARSFM​

“…huh? why?” 

                              ‘   oh, like, i just always assume sexy people are leo’s.   ’

[lucefrs]

RIAFLICKE​

“Hmm?” Blonde looked over, watching Luce’s gaze and then looking back at the other. “No.” Sometimes she felt like shoving everything off and listening to the glass shatter and echo around her. Destruction. Harmless destruction. A way to calm her nerves. “You should try it.” That was not a good idea! “Hmm… Yes? I think, my school wasn’t fun. I remember sitting in them. Those ones?”

                           ‘   do you dare me to ?   ’ because if she’s dared then whatever the outcome, it’s not really her fault. the mischief’s apparent in the way her teeth press flush against her lower lip, staring down the table like the most mouth-watering feast sits atop of it. ‘   no, you couldn’t sit in them ‘cos you had to, flap them, but that sounds fun too. everyone sitting in a tent together.   ’ 

[lucefrs]

SCOTTRILEYS​

everyone being back in this room reminds him of last year, when he thought he’d be saying goodbye to the best person he’d ever meet. glad he doesn’t have to think about that tonight. counts himself lucky to be able to recognise her by the touch of her hand, drops his head back, tilting it to the side as he smiles up at her. “ hey. ” swivels around, hands quickly finding her waist before he kisses her. “ yeah, why not. you can do anything you want. ” he pulls out his sharpie. “ it’s kinda just for the people who’re leaving, but i love you so who cares. ”

                              she kisses him back and then adds one of her own, then another one, stars in her eyes because she’s never known anyone better. luce feels invincible, and she’s about to put it to the test. there’s a gulping inhale, like she’s just sprinted across the airport before his flight boards to tell him, her own twisted confession of love and �� - ‘   i am too. but it’s okay. because we can do anything we want, and, you know, like, beyonce’s here, and i love you so,   ’ she smiles through another inhale, ‘   who cares.    ’ she reluctantly wiggles out of his grasp, sharpie in hand, snakes around him to find a spot on his back to write what could be found in the stall of a bathroom, no parting words in sight. LUCE FREAR HAS A CRUSH ON SCOTT RILEY with a little doodle of a cat beside it. 

[lucefrs]

BCKETTS

starter for @lucefrs​

– “IT’S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU! IN PERSON!” lowkey she’d been worried that if luce died, gallagher would be so hush-hush they would have some sort of robot continue to reply to her text messages and the robot would be so smart it would seem like luce. so, she squeezes luce extra tight 1) because she loves her and 2) to make sure that she’s squeezing a person and it’s all bones and skin and not metal. “ so i know you’re REAL ! ” she squishes her cheeks between her palms before she kisses luce’s forehead. “ and you look so pretty. ” 

                         ‘   ow !   ’ she yips, because allie’s squeezing super hard, wondering if she’s just not used to her hugs because she’s gone so long without or if she’s been lifting. ‘   so what’s the consensus. am i real ?   ’  she pushes out through her allie-made fish face, which glubs against her palms every time she tries to smile, which is a lot, especially when she’s treated with a forehead kiss. ‘   and you look like an angel. you always do.    ’ she puckers her lips, trying to escape allie’s clutch even though it feels nice. ‘   you have to let go. i gotta kiss those cheeks otherwise i’m gonna go insane.   ’

[lucefrs]

JAS-MICHAUD

“luuuuuuce!” she sing-songs before throwing her arms around the other girl. she’s slightly tipsy, but that has no bearing on her behavior, it’s only maybe heightened her emotions surrounding graduating tomorrow. “i’m gonna miss you! but you still visit dc sometimes, right? so you’ll visit us?” / @lucefrs​​

                          luce let’s out an unintelligible squeal which on nights like these are usually more comprehensible than anything she has to say. she talks through the hug because jas is so soft, and a really good hugger. ‘   i’d visit you even if you were living in nantucket. especially if you were living there. did you know that’s actually a real place ? it’s in ma — massa, are you staying in dc for the summer ?   ’

[lucefrs]

HARPERKENT

LOCATION && WITH WHOM : : BALLROOM W / @lucefrs​

“There she is!” Arms were quick to wrap around the blonde, pulling her tight and close to her chest. If Harper was a crier, she would’ve balled her eyes out right there on the dance floor. But with her back at Gallagher, surrounded by soon to be spies and the trauma that sat in the back of her mind, she couldn’t show such vulnerability to them again. Her being back felt so strange and unreal, a reminder that the events that took place a year ago actually happened. How her heart filled with dread and old resentment that she held for Gallagher and those who were loyal to it. But such feeling and weight lasted only two seconds before her eyes landed on a very familiar face. “God, Luce, I’ve missed you so much!”

                          if she weren’t drinking so much, she’d be feeling the soreness of her jaw from the unflinching grin she’s had all night. luce squeezes her tight, flooded with warmth and love and everything nice, only letting harper pull away because she’s so pretty and who is she to deprive herself on a night like tonight ? her palms lay flat on her harpers shoulders, getting a good look. ‘   this feel’s unreal. you feel it too ? the unrealness ? you can’t let go of me. i’ll float away if you do. and i won’t let go of you.    ’ a hand falls from her shoulder to harper’s hand, fingers laced together, giving it a squeeze. she can’t believe it, it’s super unreal, or surreal, she hadn’t even known what that word meant until right now. 

[lucefrs]

MARTINAW

closed starter for @lucefrs​

“Do you still go to heaven if you get drunk when you’re 20?” Yahoo Answers was shut down so Luce will have to do.

                           she takes her hands, rife with concern. ‘   no way, it’s like — -   ’ her head lolls to one side, ‘   ‘cos the drinking age in ireland is eighteen. and sometimes when i go down to the gardens it’s like i’m at the tollymore park, can’t tell the difference.    ’

[lucefrs]

HUDSONISMS​

       “ SHE DOES, ACTUALLY, ”   hudson makes a face, because he doesn’t think an eight year old should have a cell phone. fortunately for his baby sister, after her older brother went into witness protection for half a year, their parents got a little paranoid when it comes to safety – which according to them means making sure her and milo both have phones.   “ and i’m sure she’d love to see you again. you just missed her in the area for graduation. ”   georgetown’s graduation.   “ but you know you’re always welcome back home, ”   he adds, with a warn smile.   “ hudson’s my last name, luce. ”

                       ‘   girlboss.   ’ eight year old’s are so cool these days, and firmly believes that claire’s is the only store left doing the lord’s work in keeping kids humble. ‘   i really wanted to go, but i wasn’t allowed. so toxic.   ’ as if gallagher’s shortcomings are past fads, old gossip — a small boo-goo gesture accompanying her put on pout. she wants the america part of her world map to look like an unsolved murder case, fettered with a copious amount of red string by the time her summer’s over, she’d glad she can pin tennesee to it. ‘   oh ... my — did they like, find the hudson river ? back in the olden days ?   ’

[lucefrs]

                                     @skylarsfm​

                          ‘   are you a leo ?   ’

[lucefrs]

                                                @stcllato​

                           ‘   wanna go blow everyone away and foxtrot in the middle of the dance floor ? just seems pretty tragic to let what we learned on valentine’s day go to waste.   ’

[lucefrs]

                                @fxithrush​ or @zanecosh​

                            she spots them out of the corner of her eye, swiping a cupcake from the platter and holding it behind her like a respectful elderly man sauntering over to ask for the time. ‘   i have a message from a very trusted source that i was told to pass on.   ’

[lucefrs]

                                           @rowanendsley​

                               if she were a sim, her plumbob would be on the fritz, sparking green because nothing could ruin this night. she’s finding it hard to focus on anything when beyonce’s going to take the stage soon, but her path to the standing area is is riddled with faces she can’t bare not to talk to, rowan included. ‘   did you find hudson ?   ’ she knows they were close. ‘   did you know that’s his last name ?   ’ 

[lucefrs]

                                            @specdracers​

                            she’s slipped behind the bar, lingering with the familiarity of a bartender’s old friend — she’s only just met him, but her distraction’s nothing other than pleasant, side-steps at the right moment, an offered bottle readied before he even has a chance to scan the shelf. though the moment she catches landon approaching, two shot glasses are pinched and she rushes up to him. ‘    tell me something i’ll never forget and i’ll pour you the best shot of your life.   ’