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Dharma

So I’m no longer Cambodia living, but this has always been the best forum for me to figure out where I’m at and what I’m doing, so here we go!

It’s the second week of law school. I’m caught listing everything people are telling me to do, things I found out I can do, the things I have to do, and the things I think I want to do, and basically there is just a lot to do. A lot of possibilities. In getting a law degree, I’m thinking a lot about privilege. The privileged institution I am a part of, the privilege that got me to this point (and the countless amounts of support when privilege wasn’t enough), and what I owe. I owe a lot. I owe giving back to the people who have gotten me here, to the people that invested in me, and to myself to make this count. And by making this count that means so many things. That means getting more people into law school who want to be. That means working to break down barriers that I have benefited from. That means working on myself to be a better person, advocate, break my own cycles that I participate in and see where I can make meaningful change. Yet here I am learning about where in personam jurisdiction is valid for a corporation. 

Today I was able to attend a talk by Jose Antonio Vargas. I heard him speak about five years ago when I was first a student at UW taking my first anthropology class. When I was first learning about words and stories and whose words get to be used and stories get to be told. And then I think about who even lets me understand this talk in English. I am a product of immigrant parents, and my father put in the work of going from farmer to engineer. The amount of generational growth is.... profound yet riddled with racism, xenophobia, thick accents and spicy curry. Trying to give to his children what he wishes he had. His dharma, his duty. 

And I will always carry that with me wherever I am. And right now where I am is in law school. I’m here, trying to make a lot of people proud and do right by them, and I guess right now that starts with reading some case law, and figuring out my priorities in this whole mess of possibility and potential. 

[luceincambodia-blog]

Frosted Glass

From the last post, there is about a two month gap. I left of with adventures in Myanmar, and am skipping my last month in Cambodia and my travels to talk a little more about how the readjustment process has been. 

Coming from my life in Cambodia to my life in Federal Way has been a complete 180. From the complete independence of Cambodia to living with my parents again, the circumstances have changed and I no longer understand the picture I’m faced with. Everything is the same, and that’s what strikes me. The motel off of the highway exit ramp, the wood fire pizza joint on the corner, the same McDonalds exactly where it stood. Nothing has changed, but I didn’t recognize anything. The roads didn’t make sense, the regular flow of traffic felt monotone. The food was sad and attempting to mimic something, the city was white, so painfully white. I would look people in the eyes and hear the cat calls that followed, making me stare at the ground when I walk. I didn’t understand how to live in, interact with, be apart of the place that was where I spent most of my life. And I wonder, how does a place that you’ve been in for 14 years become so... disparate from everything you know. 

The month of traveling back around Asia before coming back to the States slowly acclimated me. I was staring wide eyed at the shopping plazas in downtown Manila. The clubs in Beijing with views of taller and taller buildings cascading like urban mountains made me gasp. The bullet trains and suits of Japan made my Chaco tan lines stand out more than before, and the Taipei 101 tower seemed to loom over my 5′ 5″ frame. The world seemed so large, so expansive despite having explored so much of it in the past year, yet this small suburb is what shocked me and was beyond comprehension. 

When I would walk around my house, my town, it’s like I couldn’t see clearly. I would wash out my contacts, thinking I literally couldn’t see, but realized I was in this haze that no saline solution could clear. The air felt thick as I moved through it. The lack of freedom left me resigned to the couch binge watching American Netflix (the new variety of shows was wonderful). And I felt unable to focus, to see clearly, to understand and comprehend the things I was looking at. This mental fog and lack of connection from being stuck at home left me feeling slow and isolated, and I craved Cambodia and my life there more than ever. I looked for things that reminded me of living there. I spoke another language every opportunity I got, remembering the Khmer conversations with friends or in market stalls. I smiled at every motorcycle on the roads, thinking back to the engine burns or Cambodian tattoos that I had gotten over the year. I rewatched videos taken on the back of motorcycles, at parties, and tried to relieve the feel of being in the place I loved so dearly. 

I left my job two weeks before I left Cambodia, and that’s when I realized something-- my job wasn’t largely fulfilling and when that ended I was able to be there fully. It’s the feeling when the only negative presence in your life is gone and all the joy that was squeezing in suddenly floods in, and in that moment I realized that I could stay, I wanted to stay. I’m trying to remind myself that I had something so beautiful that it made it so hard to leave behind, and that is a privilege. 

Here, I’m struggling. I’m trying to rethink/rehash/reimagine life given everything that’s happened. 

Reminders to Self:

It’s not selfish to live your own life

Accept what is given to you, if only for your own sake

Breathe easy, disconnect

Social media is not a useful filler, invest in yourself

It’s okay to be behind, it’s okay to be slow

Letting go of others is a process, it takes time

Don’t compare yourself and forget the beauty that is just a glance away

You never got any better by putting yourself down

People enter and exit your life for a reason, you don’t need to be liked or be friends with everyone

Remember what you’ve learnt, remember what you’ve felt, remember who you’ve become

[luceincambodia-blog]

Back in the States... and a little behind

Hey everyone! I’m back in America as of a few weeks ago, but I’ll be finishing out my blog with some retroactive reflections of my last month and a half abroad. My Myanmar post ends at the end of May, so I spent June in Cambodia, and July traveling. Stay tuned! 

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Let the Myanmar Times Roll

So about two weeks ago, I took the last trip that I would take while I’m still living in Cambodia. At end of June, I’ll be visiting friends and completing my program in the Philippines, China, Japan, and Taiwan before heading stateside. I was pretty excited about going to Myanmar after meeting some Princeton in Asia fellows that were living there. They talked about how the country was rapidly changing, not touristy, and killer food. I started planning for my 6 day trip there, and next thing I knew I was also going to meet up with Luce scholars along the way! So here are some of the highlights and revelations.  I started my journey to Mandalay through Bangkok airport. With only an hour to catch my next flight, I stepped off the plane and fast walked through security with my pre printed boarding pass. I was meeting a scholar from Chaing Mai in the Bangkok airport since we were on the same flight to Mandalay, so I was relieved when we ran into each other in a cafe outside our gate with a few minutes to spare. A short flight later, we were in Myanmar!  Because we were both busy, we ended up really poorly planning the trip in advance, but getting it together pretty quickly. We were planning on going to Bagan and Inle Lake together but didn’t know too much about local transportation options. I went ahead and booked hotels to try and make it all work, but when we landed we realized that we didn’t plan quite right. Our reservation for Inle was dependent on us leaving Mandalay at night which was not an option with the give transport options. Between our newly acquired sim cards and some frantic emailing, we were able to book and change reservations as we went, thanks to the kindness of everyone there. Our first day in Mandalay was spent with a tour guide that our friend had hooked us up with. With it being rainy season, I was grateful for the car as we drove around Mandalay. We explored old wooden temples, beautiful forts with spires colored in red, and saw thick green forest. There was something so peaceful about the warm rain under my feet as I walked, something that reminded me of home. In Hindu temples also, shoes are not allowed and I think it brought me back to running around temples as kid with no shoes and then outside into the Seattle rain. I saw the thick green trees and realized that it had been so long since I saw full and alive nature. I felt a pang in my chest for the pacific northwest. We spent the night eating at the hotel amazing Shan style food including our friends favorite dish, tea leave salad. The night wrapped up with lots of sleep and oddly placed thoughts about home.  The next morning we got up early, crammed so much amazing breakfast food in our mouth, and ran off the the airport to catch a local flight to Nyaungshwe where Inle Lake is. Us, being the last minute people we were with this trip, ended up running through the airport carrying large bottles of pepto that managed to get through and hand written tickets to catch our flight. Another short flight later, we arrived and took a taxi to the hotel we were staying at. Because of the way we booked things, we had just one day at Nyaungshwe before we hopped on a late night bus to Bagan. So our hotel never really got slept it, but it was a great place to change, shower, and get info on how things were gonna work. We booked a half day tour around Inle Lake on the spot and grabbed free breakfast which were the most amazing pancakes I have ever had. 

_____ Totally didn’t finish the post from a few months ago whooops. But here is what I’ve got so far and a little more below that I wrote up. 

Bagan was a beautiful trip, with rain pouring down half the time, we spent time writing and drinking tea on our patio area outside our room. We were able to rent little mopeds to see the thousands of temples and stupas in Bagan which was an incredible experience. The mopeds were great for getting around the expansive amount of temples, but since I was used to the power of my motorbike back in Cambodia, I ended up having a lot of issues in the sandy terrain. I ended up in mud and having my motorbike slide out beneath me while I just walked away from the mess. A couple of other times I tried to off-road and ended up stuck because the motor wasn't strong enough to push us through. We ended up taking these eBags out to the city to try and get dinner that night. Turns out my Moto had very very low battery life and ended up dying just as we pulled up to the restaurant. The waiter was incredibly sweet and she called the number of the service so we could get a new battery brought into town. Also during this event full dinner, the Luce scholar I was traveling with ended up having an encounter with a scorpion. While she screamed and I panicked, everyone was laughing at us and just carefully picked up the  scorpion with a pair of metal prongs and moved it out of our way. The next morning she went back to Thailand and I rode on a bus for eight hours to Yangon. This bus ride was hilarious partially because I was a crisis about this being my last trip before I would leave Cambodia for good while simultaneously freaking out a monk because he ended up in a seat next to me and women aren't supposed to touch monks. The bus ride ended up being a good time to reflect about what brought me to Asia, what brought me to Cambodia and the reasons that I was choosing to leave. 

When I arrived in Yangon, it was like being in the city again. As soon as I stepped off the bus, tons of taxi drivers surrounded me, all asking me where I wanted to go and attempting to move my luggage into their trunks. The peaceful nature of the countryside faded away and I was back into full city mode. My time in Yangon was much unlike the rest of my time in Myanmar.  I found people in the city giving me looks of disdain, later figuring out that there's a lot of racism against Indian people in the city. I even ended up getting confronted about being a Hindu at a famous pagoda. People have been staring at me the few hours that I was there, but when the confrontation occurred Moore started to swarm and watch the discussion occur. It was nothing particularly rude just abrasive and a lot more forward than I was used to. Also, in this context I was being asked about my religion as opposed to my race like I am in most other countries. With the strong Buddhist influence and pride here it was deathly something worth noting and definitely change the way that people interacted with me. 

I flew out after a day and a half in the city back to Cambodia knowing that I I had an amazing time, ate delicious food, but also that it would be my last time flying back to Cambodia. After this I would be traveling to the Philippines, Japan, China, and Taiwan but I wouldn't be returning to Cambodia. This realization was striking. It finally felt like things were coming to an end, and more than ever I didn't want them to.

[luceincambodia-blog]

Khmaw Khmaw (ខ្មៅ ខ្មៅ)

I included the Khmer script in this title because transliterations are weird things. But what the title means is  “Black black” or essentially, very black. 

This weekend while walking around town with a friend, I told a tuktuk driver that I didn’t need a tuktuk and he yelled back at me basically “Lady, you’re really black” and laughed. 

Being dark skin is a really loaded topic in Indian culture and Asian culture in general. With whiteness and light skin carrying connotations of beauty, colonial power, wealth and desire, it was something to always want. As someone who got their dad’s darker skin tone, I was always told about the newest lightening product, natural tan removers, to stay out of the sun, so on so forth. Coming to Cambodia from Seattle, I have gotten way darker than before, probably 3-4 shades darker. Despite thinking I was okay with my skin tone, suddenly I felt those same pressures to lighten again and was fighting them because I know they are coming from a pretty messed up place and should reflect nothing about who I am. 

As abrasive as this comment felt, it was strange to hear it. When he said it, I just walked away and looked at my friend and said “Did I hear that right? Okay cool” and felt nothing. I am dark. That’s fine. And him commenting on it doesn’t matter. It was a strange way to check in with myself and see that I have made progress on this. I’m learning to be okay with myself despite overarching narratives that tell me otherwise. 

[luceincambodia-blog]

You Didn’t Get Here Alone

Something I’ve been thinking a lot about over this past year is independence/dependence, reliance, and how we get to the various points in our lives. Going through an intense childhood, I had to learn how to take care of myself for most things. The received a very specific kind of support growing up that left a lot to be desired. That support alone is more than a lot of people get, but it still left me largely alone and taking care of myself. 

In studies about childhood adversity, something that psychologists are still trying to understand where resiliency comes from. And that’s something I’ve always wondered about-- what made me end up okay? What thing deep inside myself made this all work out? Was it just luck? Was there something else? 

In moving to Asia, I have been thinking about doing things on my own, yet relying on so many people. When solo traveling, it’s the strangers who tell you where the bus stop is that help you. It’s the booking agent that let you change your reservation. It’s the people that cooked the food you bought. It’s the motorbike repair services that changed your battery. It’s so many people that made that moment in time possible. Having this outlook, I began to write about my life before I came here and the things that made those moments possible. Sometimes it was just luck or fate or whatever you want to call it. Sometimes, it was people who I am so lucky to have had looking out for me even when I didn’t know it. The calls from my best friends parent when things weren’t okay, the teachers in school who fostered a sense of creativity and exploration within myself, my friends who were there every single day just trying to pull each other through our roughest times. 

In the West, we value independence so much and look down on dependence, when in reality we depend on people everyday to make our lives possible. We don’t grow our own good, and maybe it’s the illusion of independence that makes dehumanization of farmers so possible. We buy phones created by people across the world that we don’t care about. We are interconnected to exist, but claim independence and shun those who made our existence possible. In Asia and growing up in an Asian family, values of taking care of one another were emphasized as a part of our culture and duty. Here, I’ve met amazing a talented young people who have a lot of responsibility to take care of others and themselves. The things that need balance are independence and reliance. People should be able to depend on others, and acknowledging those relationships makes things better. But unfair reliance, expecting and giving nothing back, is unhealthy. There is so much more nuance to this idea in terms of aging, disability, and culture, but it’s something that I’ve been trying to unpack for a while.  But one thing has become very clear to me over this year. I didn’t get here alone, and I can’t continue alone. I can depend on my friends and that’s not a bad thing. It doesn’t make me any less “independent” or less of a person. It allows me to acknowledge and respect the interconnectedness of my community. 

[luceincambodia-blog]

Enough

Now that my Luce year is coming to an end, I’m confronted with a foreseeable ending. It’s no longer about months and months from now it’s about one month from now. One. Just one left.

Part of my program is writing a wrap up report distilling the past 12 months into a 20 page single spaced report, and in trying to condense and edit these messy experiences, I feel like I haven’t done enough. Haven’t eaten enough Khmer food, haven’t explored Cambodia enough, don’t speak Khmer well enough, just didn’t do enough.

Something I’ve been working on while I’ve been here is how I define and measure success. As someone who fits the definition of “traditionally successful”, I still don’t feel successful. It comes to the point where it’s not about meeting a measure, it’s about dealing with the personal insecurities or issues around success. Growing up, we were always pushed to do better, be better, be more “successful”. Coming from an immigrant family, there was never enough that could be done to ensure that you had a good life. You got a good grade? Where was the extra credit?

That mentality pushes you, but man can it push you off of a cliff. If you can’t control where your push to be better comes from, you can’t control your desire to be better. If you can’t control that, you can’t ever feel like you’re good enough until that outside force decides you are.

I’m struggling right now with feeling like I did enough, especially at work with all of the issues that I’ve had. I know that I’ve struggled and pushed and tried, but when that doesn’t result in something positive, it’s rough. I’ve failed before and know I’ll fail again, but it feels different this time around. This time around, nothing I did could make it better, and I had to sit with the fact that it is what it is, and all I can do is appreciate it for that. I feel like if I did more it would’ve changed when in reality nothing I could have done would have made things fit the image I wanted them to fit. 

Instead, I’m working on focusing on the things that made me happy, fulfill me, and respect who I am. 

[luceincambodia-blog]

That Law Life....

So as some of you may know now, I'm going to law school! Most of my friends know that's what I've wanted for a while, but I didn't think it would happen so soon. In the process of applying to law school during my luce year, I was figuring out what I wanted... After already making some choices. I got acceptances from schools I wasn't even that stoked about going to, and when I got some acceptances I was thrilled. I told myself midways through the waiting time that I would only go to law school if I got an offer I couldn't resist... And I got one.

I ended up flying back to the states for an interview with UW, my undergrad school. They paid for the flight and hotel and the next thing I knew I was headed to Seattle after 9 months of being away. Going back was wild, and putting on makeup, a suit and interviewing was ever wilder. I found myself dazed and stuck in a surreal feeling, but happy to be back and with the people I loved. After interviewing (and feeling like it went poorly with my lack of practice) I went back to Cambodia after 80 hours and knew that it was out of my hands. After days of restless sleep and actually wanting to be in this program, I got the email saying I got a spot. Which meant a full ride, living stipend, housing stipend, summer internship stipend and conference/training stipend. I literally wouldn't need to spend money for the next three years. That was what I had asked for, and offer I couldn't resist. Getting out of law school debt free, going back to the people I love, and to a city I still had more to explore meant that I was saying yes, and the other offers at better schools but with less funding were out of the running.

My head is not comprehending what's happening but I do now know this. In 1 months, I leave Cambodia. In 2 months, I'm in Japan for luce wrap up. In 4 months, I'm starting law school. The clock is ticking.

Honestly, I said I was looking for an offer I couldn't refuse partially because I was very open to taking more time off. After more reflection, I wasn't sure if it was because I was scared of law school and feeling like I couldn't compete or a legitimate desire to work more before grad school. Or maybe a combo of the two. But this offer isn't deferrable and I made a choice I feel good, but nervous, about. It's a lot to know I'm going to my undergrad and staying there for three more years. I loved the people I met and networks I had, but it's after discovering a new side to myself in a city that knew me so well--- but does it still? It'll be like catching myself up with how Seattle has changed and having my new self adjust to Seattle in a new way.

Another part of it is feeling like maybe I shouldn't be going back. Not because I don't love Seattle or my friends, but because "leaving" is always so glamorized. The idea that you "grew up and left". I guess Cambodia felt like that, and going back feels like a step backward... Even though I'm coming back to do what I want. A New Years resolution was to not be shameful of the things that make me happy, and I'm choosing to apply it here.

Right now I feel like I'm on a precipice. Looking out and knowing where I'm headed, but also feeling like I'm about to fall off a cliff to get there. 4 months....

[luceincambodia-blog]

The First Last

This past weekend I was able to go to Siem Reap, the place that this whole journey started in. Going back 11 months later, was a strange and reflective experience. The first time I was wandering around those streets I was riding a moto for the first time, wearing long and baggy-ish clothes to keep modest. I was struggling to make friends, struggling with studying Khmer in cafes, and driving up and down the river finding a new spot. This time around, I came with friends that I knew. I spoke Khmer and communicated what I needed to say with much more ease. I drove by the river-- but this time it was green and full of algae. Things have grown. 

In that process of checking in, it was also a moment to stop and realize that it was the last time I would be in Siem Reap for a while. I’m headed back to the States, and am preparing to slowly start finding my lasts. And this, I believe, was my first last.

I slept for thirty minutes before I woke up for sunrise at Angkor Wat. This was a first. It was a tuktuk race against the rising sun, and I saw the orange infiltrate the pink sky, fading into waves of lilac. I am reminded that things have existed longer than myself, and will continue to after I am gone. 

I have 42 days left in Cambodia

[luceincambodia-blog]

Chiang Mai and Luang Prabang

So a few weeks ago in Southeast Asia, it was Thai, Laos, and Khmer New Year! For Cambodia, Khmer New Year is mostly celebrated in Siem Reap, and Phnom Penh clears out as everyone goes back to the provinces to see family. The streets are empty and shops close down, so while the new found peace of a chaotic city is refreshing, there isn’t a ton to do. With 10 days off, I decided it was time for some travel. I picked Chiang Mai and Luang Prabang to see both Thai and Laos New year, as well as hang out with the scholars living in the cities! With that...

Chiang Mai was the perfect combination of a small Thai town and modern comforts. Anything you needed you could find, the infrastructure of the city was amazing, and there was amazing Thai food and cultural elements. Modern shops had mango sticky rice all the way to upscale brunch spots with western menus. The student market sold cute Thai clothing for under $5 while there were boutiques with fashionable gowns. It was a mix of everything you could want, modern comforts, and it was cheaper than Thailand. One of the favorite spots I went to three times was Rustic and Blue. It was a cosy little brunch spot with local ingredients infused with western classics like siracha chicken and waffles to passionfruit lemon curd french toast. The next three photos capture my brunch joy. 

Another beautiful spot in Chiang Mai was the Chiang Mai Grand Canyon. With rock climbing walls, cliff jumping spots and rafts to hangout and chill in the water, it made for the perfect spot to watch the sunset and chill. 

Also on the Southeast Asia bucket list was hanging out with elephants. Most elephant places offer rides which is awful for elephants. They break them by separating them from their families so they are docile, and riding them is actually awful for their backs. Instead, a PiA fellow, his friend and I opted for some elephant care, so we got to feed them, wash them, and have them chase us around while we cooed at how cute they were. 

The last Chiang Mai adventure was taking a Thai cooking class with a Luce scholar and his boyfriend. We made about 8 courses including Phad Thai, Pad See Ew, Tom Yum, Mango Sticky Rice, Masalman Curry and more! We got a little sassy and spicy with it to say the least.... Also the Thai teacher said my curry was the best! Killing it. 

All while this was happening, it was also Songkran for the last bit I was there. That meant that there were huge water flights happening in the old part of the city... where the cooking class was. As someone who just wanted to walk to the cooking class, I found myself awkwardly jogging away from buckets of water, getting shot in the back by water guns, and eventually just resigning myself to getting hosed and laughing about the whole thing. Maybe the worst part was getting hit in the red trucks. There are these red truck shared taxis with window slits and open back that are the best way to get around the city. As you would ride in them, people would splash you from the windows or the back, catching you totally off guard. Since I was lost a lot, I had my phone out too and would just end up using my body to shield it as water comes flooding in. All in all, it was a beautiful city to visit, but by the end I was ready for Luang Prabang! 

Luang Prabang was starkly different from Chiang Mai. According to the Luce scholar there, it is a very quiet and chill city, but for Laos New Year, people were partying and throwing buckets of water in the streets. My first day, I hopped onto his motorcycle from the airport, dropped my stuff off after getting sprayed by tons of water, and then headed to a party hosted by Beer Laos. There were sprinklers mounted from the ceiling, a DJ, and a foam party section. After hours of drowning in foam, beer being everywhere and singing along to songs no one knew, it was a successful first day. Luang Prabang is a UNESCO World Heritage Sight and it shows. There are temples everywhere, and the city is nestled between two rivers. With small delicious french cafes, there is a smattering of Laos restaurants, beautiful wooden buildings, and just a slower pace of life. For the four days I was there, there was a lot of relaxing and getting drenched or covered in color dye. 

Buddhism is also very prevalent here. We woke up at 6am one day to see monks getting alms as a part of the New years celebrations, while in Thailand most of the celebration was party related. It was a peaceful way to unwind after Chiang Mai, because after traveling a ton and having a lot of chaos in Phnom Penh, all I wanted to do was have a good time and chill. 

Another beautiful pat of Laos was the waterfall we went up to! After taking a red truck style vehicle up to the waterfall, we were splashed and pre-drenched in time to jump into ice cold water and be awed by the beauty. 

Also, with Laos being such a small city, it felt so welcoming. One night while hunting for mango sticky rice, we ended up at a restaurant where Sam was able to bust out his impressive French and we ended up dancing with strangers and hanging out with them for part of the night. As we would wander, we would always see someone that he knew and his impressive Laos language skills made it feel like home. I do understand the idea that Luang Prabang could get a little too small and maybe even a bit boring since not a ton is going on all the time, but that’s part of the charm. All in all, as someone who prefers the city in the long term, I was glad that I was placed in Phnom Penh. One thing that I do miss is how good sticky rice and Laos food was. It blew my mind. Also those french bakeries may or may not have had me running up at 7am before my flight to load up on croissants. 

Coming back to Phnom Penh after 10 days of being gone was strange. Every time I leave, I notice more things about the city, the familiar becomes less blinding and things start to stand out again. One thing I did notice is that I felt unsafe. While walking home in shorts (everything else was in the wash), groups of men were gawking and I felt myself rushing home faster and faster. Traffic was a safety concern again, and even when driving in Chiang Mai, I felt so much safer. I love Phnom Penh, but I did realize that I am living in a harder to live in city in some ways, and I forget that when I get wrapped up in my world. 

With two months left in this city at this point, I’m feeling all kinds of ways. I think a year was the right amount of time for me to be here as I explained in earlier posts, but man am I going to miss this place. Despite it being a sprawling city with dirt, dust, and food that makes my insides sad, I have found so much to love here. The other day I went to go buy some mangoes at the market and found myself talking to a man about Washington state, him loving my Khmer, being happy I loved Cambodia and gave me a papaya. Little things like that will rarely happen in the States, and I’m going to miss my connections and the (literal) warmth I feel here. 

[luceincambodia-blog]

Split Ends

I’ve been launched into a state of reflection. The past few days back in Cambodia have been good in terms of getting back home, and realizing that I really do call this place home, but also realizing I’m leaving this home soon. At work I’m planning my route home, looking up pit stops in China and Taiwan, and left feeling both excited for whats ahead but sad to be leaving something behind. 

The idea of leaving Cambodia is weird. I love my friends here. I love my motorcycle. I love my apartment, the unpredictability, the fruit market near my house, the landlord and our conversations every morning, my roommate and our chats, cooking with passionfruit and mangos whenever I want, walking up to my balcony and looking at the stars, playing dodgeball every week, the cafes near work that have my order memorized, running into people on the streets that I know, and so much more. Speaking of which, just said hi to my friend in a cafe near my house... and I love that. But I also know this life here isn’t sustainable. People leave all the time. So much of what I love here is the community I have, and that’s slowly disappearing. I say goodbyes all the time, and after I leave, there are more friends that will trickle off to other countries in the month to follow. While part of me wants to stay, I know that if I did stay, it wouldn’t be the same. 

In turn, coming home is going to be strange. I’ve changed a lot. I feel like I have a stronger sense of self, what I’m looking for in my relationships and what’s important to me. But, I am going back to a place that knows me pretty well. I have roots there, a reputation there, and even if I don’t fit that anymore, it’s what I come back to. Coming back as someone different might be just as hard as having to leave, but it’s where I do want to be. 

During my lunch break yesterday, I went to a local Khmer salon and go my hair cut. I just wanted the tips that I dyed purple cut off, but ended up loosing a foot of hair. In panic, I paid and ran to my coworker and showed her what had happened. We laughed, and decided that it was a good look. Short hair is something that I always wanted, even though I loved my long hair. Maybe all I needed was a push to try something new.

I have 67 days in Cambodia.

[luceincambodia-blog]

When You Can’t Help

This post is going to be a bit of a ramble, because currently there are a million and one things racing through my head.

I’ve spent most of my life helping people. While I think helping people is great and what I want to do with my life, I also defined myself by my ability to help others. I know from practice that relying on others for your self worth or value never works, because once that relationship changes, you lose that part of yourself because it doesn’t come from within. Up until my Luce year, I’ve been able to help people in some personal or professional capacity, and found fulfillment in both healthy and unhealthy ways from it. Healthy when I can be there in mutually supportive relationships, unhealthy when it takes everything out of me. After working jobs as well that are centered around helping people, it’s been foundational to everything I’ve been doing.

Coming into my Luce year, I didn’t feel like I was helping people. I wasn’t out in the field working directly like clients like I wanted to be, and after much self reflection, I didn’t deserve to either. These people needed their peers to educate them, and if I really truly wanted to help, my organization needed me back in the office. I was best serving, best helping with things that no one else could do or had as much experience doing. Granted, that wasn’t the most exciting part and I’m thankful for being able to observe and learn with my organization, but it’s where I was most needed. These realizations about helping others didn’t really come to fruition until now because I still was filling my role of helping friends. The bad part, like I mentioned earlier, about depending on others for your value is that when they don’t work out, you don’t work out. In this case, when a friend needs more help than I’m able to provide, I feel like I’ve failed when in reality, I can’t help. Maybe I could stick around and provide support for years while gradual changes are made, but I can’t put that on myself, nor can I be the one to ensure they get the help they need.

Part of the reason I’m even bothering to write this out is that I’m feeling a shift in the foundations of who I am. I can’t always help. And when my entire life is dedicated to helping others, I’m allowed to personally be around people who are “whole”. A friend I was talking to this week was talking about surrounding herself with mostly whole people, because while there are those who need a lot of help, it’s not something that she can always provide. Setting up those boundaries isn’t letting people down, it’s doing something to help yourself. Is that selfish? Maybe. Is that bad? Not at all.

Before I came on my Luce year, I really realized how much I defined myself by how I can provide to others. Now, I need to separate what I want to do with who I am. While very connected, I am not what I want to do, and I am not what I can provide to others.

During this Luce year, it’s been a bit of a struggle to feel like I was “thriving”. I have been having an amazing time living a life I never thought I was going to live, but recently I’ve been wondering if I haven’t been doing it “right”. In terms of helping others, I wondered if I wasted my time trying to help people that I never could help. I know there is no such thing as a Luce year, and that these realizations are only making me a better person. However, when I left college, I felt like a whole person. After further thought, I know I was whole, but I wasn’t in a place where I could sustain myself as proved by burning out of college in some ways. Now, I’m deconstructing and challenging my entirety, and I’m in the middle of growing pains. Normal, healthy, but still difficult and a time of transition. I haven’t been doing anything wrong, it’s just been about adapting, changing, and holding onto myself in the process.

So, now, the question I leave myself with is, who am I when I can’t help?

[luceincambodia-blog]

Balling in Bali

So a few weeks ago I was in Bali with a friend from college! Bali has been a dream of mine for a while, and all the Eat/Pray/Love/Hype has totally fueled it. So, when some Khmer holiday’s lined up with a weekend, I booked my tickets and got going! Bali is so much more than Kuta, which is the most touristy area that most people stay in. We planned our trip as we went, but ended up driving all around Bali, spending time mostly in the North and South with a side trip to Java to hike Ijen Volcano! The picture above is from sunrise there. 

For the volcano trip, it was quite the effort getting over to Java. We took a cab with a super gross cab driver that cat called women the whole time, to a bus station where we struggled to find the right local bus, and then hopped on a truck transport ferry into a car to our homestay in a rice paddy so we could get up at 12:30am (yes am) to drive to our hike site. A bit intense. The hike started at 2am and we ended up coming back down around 6am. Since the whole thing was in the dark, our guide gave us flashlights that we used. There were rocks and roots sometimes, with random parts of the trail sloping off or being dramatically lower than others. The hike was short but pretty steep, making it difficult as I was coming off of being sick. With tons of water and some rest stops, we made it up around 4am! From there, we had a half hour hike down into the crater. That was probably the most intense part of the hike. Between using our gas masks to block out the plumes of sulfuric smoke and slipping on the rocks and only having one free hand to help ourselves, it felt like a bit of a mess and was kind of scary, but worth it. There were blue flames amidst the plumes of smoke, and thousands of stars above us as we sat inside the crater. After we climbed back out, we saw the sunrise coming over the crater’s rim, and it was magic. 

At the top! After Java, we headed to our homestay for breakfast where we talked with kids there that the woman who runs the homestay teaches. She asked us to play games with them and help them practice their English. We chatted for a bit and ate coconut banana pancakes before we headed back in the car to the ferry to the bus. From there we headed north to Lovina beaches, less touristy and much quieter. There, we saw grey sand beaches and went dolphin watching. In the afternoon we headed back down south to Denpesar because Nyepi, the Balinese Hindu New Year, was coming up! On the first day, there is a parade at night of demon puppets through the street, that are eventually burned on the beach to literally be burning your demons before a new year. The next day is a day of silence where the whole island shuts down, so our flight was right before that. Problem was, we wanted to see the burning, but our flight was the last one off of the island. We ended up on motorbikes to the airport in a rush, running to make our flights because cars had stopped driving around the town. All in all, Bali was magical and I’m going back. 

Bali Beaches for daysss.

Kali, my favorite Hindu godess in demonic puppet form!

[luceincambodia-blog]

89 Days

I have eighty nine days officially left in Cambodia. This past weekend I was surfing in Bali. I don’t know what I’m doing next year. 

I think the combination of these three sentences really capture how I’m feeling right now. I’m sad to be leaving so soon, have no idea what’s next, but am enjoying every second that I do have. At the end of this month, I’ll be hearing back from some different opportunities, but until then, I’ve decided to stop trying to plan this. Everyday is a new adventure, and the future can’t change what I do with these 89 days. 

[luceincambodia-blog]

Bechs

You might think that I spelt this title wrong, but I spelt it exactly right. While walking around Otres, we found a spot called “Bechs Club” when trying to say “Beaches Club” and the whole weekend we kept saying “bechs” instead. 

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This past weekend I was invited to go with some friends to Otres Beach near Sihanoukville. I was looking to get out of the city for a bit over the long weekend, and this worked out perfectly! In packing, I very purposefully ditched my laptop at home so I would have to focus on the people and things around me instead of hopping online when I’m bored. 

We left in a party van at 7pm on Friday and got into town around 11:30pm after beating the weekend traffic. That night was a bit of a mess, but we ended up at a bar called “Blame Canada” that was a classic backpacker site. Girls in fairy costumes and wasted people galore. This bar essentially reminded me why I’m not a backpacker. After chilling there for a while, we walked down the mostly dim dirt road to a small kitchen with plastic chairs and metal tables set up. They were definitely closing but after chatting for a bit, they made us all fried rice with chicken which was delicious! We talked for a while and wrapped things up to head to our bungalows and get ready for tomorrow. 

The next day was bliss. We slept in till 10am and slowly wandered over to grab Khmer food for breakfast at this place called “Mom’s”. We lazed around and made our way to the beach, eating tons of mangos, pineapple and watermelon from the local sellers who would walk by. Tons of fruit, smoothies, and massages later, I was in heaven.

After swimming and playing frisbees in the water, we caught the sunset and took a million jumping pictures in front of a pretty epic sunset. All in all, solid day. The next day was an early one. After staying out pretty late, we ended up on a boat tour that was one hell of a ride. The currents started picking up after we already cast off, and our boat was flying. As in being sprayed, hit by waves, tilting sideways and flying through the air. It was hilarious and fun at first, but after 30 minutes it was a bit terrifying and cold. Also everything was wet, including us. This is post wild boat ride. 

Once things calmed down, me and a friend went cliff jumping but sliced ourselves on our way up the rock. Barnacles were stuck on and it was pretty painful to try to make out way up. The blood was worth the 7 meter jump though! We slowly made our way to another beach and hung out there eating BBQ, finding this abandoned treetop bar, and playing cards on the beach. We called it a day and wanted to get back in time for sunset, best enjoyed with smoothies in hand. Oh and with more jumping pictures of course!

My last morning was perfectly peaceful. I woke up at 7 and made my way to Mom’s for one last breakfast. After stuffing myself with a peanut butter french toast sandwich, I made my way to the abandoned beach and stared at the waves and wrote for a while. At 9am, I moved into town to catch up bus back to Phnom Penh!

All in all, while Phnom Penh is small, it has a lot of chaos to it. Getting out of the city was the perfect get away for the weekend, and I’m doing it again with a friend in Battambang in a few days! Stoked to keep exploring Cambodia, and for friends to go on these adventures with. Until next time!

[luceincambodia-blog]

Resolutions!

So while we’re almost two months into the new year, I’m finally getting around to making my new year’s post! I know a lot of people hate resolutions, but for me, it’s about stepping into the year with intention. My resolutions aren’t goals anymore, but ideas and sentiments to put into practice. So here they are:

-Stay curious and ask more questions

In the process of moving abroad, I’ve developed the coping mechanism to just accept things so I can figure out how to work in my current situation. Instead, I can accept these things but continue to question their roots and why things are the way they are. 

-Open myself to commitment

I realized through this year that I really haven’t committed to a ton in my life. I know part of this comes from not wanting to be disappointed to something that I’ve committed myself to, and I’m trying to take the steps to be open to commitment. It’s a risk, but one that I think is worth taking. 

-Stop feeling guilty about what makes me happy

Natural to most things, I find myself comparing myself to others. Comparing myself to other scholars in the program and other scholars who used to live in Cambodia. While comparison is helpful for thinking of solutions to issues, it’s not helpful when I feel my year is less “successful” or “authentic” as it could be. By being here and making choice that make me happy, I am successful, and that looks different for everyone. 

-Do things that make me uncomfortable

This has been a resolution of mine for years and years, and it will continue to stay one. Growth comes from pushing myself, and I want to keep growing and changing. 

-Stay open and fluid while coping and adapting

This ties into the first one. As a part of coping and adapting to challenges, I find myself subtly making judgements about my situation so I can assess things and make solutions. In that process of assessing things, I’m not letting my perspectives change as much. I need to find that balance of understanding my surrounding and assessing situations but also letting these assessments change. 

-Find new ways to measure success

I’ve never seen myself as successful. I’ve learnt to become less hard on myself, but am still working to appreciate my successes. This growth initially started with using conventional measurements of success, which I fill in some capacity, but are detrimental ultimately to myself and others. I’m working on a definition of success for myself that goes beyond my ability to produce.

-Keep dancing 

Yup.

[luceincambodia-blog]

Communication Complications

Coming from an Indian immigrant family, I grew up in a multilingual household. My dad spoke Telugu and Kannada while my mom speaks Hindi and Telugu, but understand and speaks small amounts of four other Indian languages. Growing up, I spoke mostly Hindi with my parents (although my dad is unable to speak or understand a ton of it) and listened to my parents chat in “secret” in Telugu. As they figured out that I understood Telugu, they would try and find another common language between the two of them to communicate in secret, but I ended up getting the jist of things. 

Through school, my brother and I both learned Spanish and used that to communicate in secret from my parents before we both slowly lost our abilities. For a brief stint when I was young, I was conversational in French, although that is now long gone. Languages have always been a part of my childhood, but through very informal settings. I picked up my French when I was too young to really remember the process of learning a language. My Spanish was a hot mess, and all Indian languages were learnt through Bollywood sitcoms and my parents. I had never successfully studied a language to the point of proficiency. 

When I moved to Cambodia, I studied Khmer in the most formal way I had ever learnt a language. I felt that I wasn’t as successful as others in learning, but I left my two months of classes feeling like I could hold my own and get around in Khmer. I knew that my Hindi and Telugu were slipping ever since I left home for college, but when I was learning a fourth language, they really suffered. My Hindi speaking went from intermediate to conversational, and I can barely speak Telugu anymore. I understand Hindi pretty much fluently, and with Telugu I can understand it at a conversational level. I was already upset when I started losing my Hindi and Telugu in college, but even more bummed that I was losing my ancestral languages at a much faster rate now that I was learning another language. Don’t get me wrong, I love learning Khmer and it’s so important to integrating into a community, I just wish my brain could juggle more of these languages. 

Along with my Telugu and Hindi, my English also suffered in ways I wasn’t expecting. One things I was confident about was my ability to articulate myself, and i don’t necessarily have that confidence anymore. Working in anyones second language is more difficult. Nuance can’t be communicated as easily, and when vocabulary is limited, conversations tend to be reductive and straightforward. Within in this cultural context, there tends to be a lack of clear and direct communication. I’m finding myself caught between expressing myself in a very straightforward way, and getting responses that are indirect and unclear. This cross cultural communication style has started to transfer over into my conversations with native English speakers.

When my brother came to India for the holidays and we met up, he commented on how sharp and abrupt my speaking style was. As first, I was kind of offended, and then after further reflection, I realized that it was entirely true. I have stopped adding nuance and complexity to conversations that need it, and it’s a skill that is sadly out of practice. It’s been frustrating to feel like I can’t communicate what I want in four languages now, and I’m trying to put myself in positions where I have to articulate myself more often (aka writing and difficult conversations!).

This post don’t really end of a positive note, but just acknowledging something that I’m struggling with, feeling like I can’t entirely voice myself in any of the languages I speak.