lucifersfavhoe

[lucifersfavhoe]

I wish i could tell someone the whole story of why i am the way i am

[lucifersfavhoe]

There is something nice about

Knowing all of you is next to me

And I don't think that there is

A single place I'd rather be.

Honestly, I need you here with me..

I need somebody who

Don't wanna fuck me

Just wanna love me right..

I need someone to

Need me to come through

Love me and hold me tight.

I need to see it

I need a way to believe it

My feeling will change with the season

Make me feel guilty for breathing

And I can't write a single text

I'm scared of how it makes him feel

he reads my texts, he thinks I'm wrong

he's scared that I won't ever heal

I try my best to show you how

I love you more and more each day

But understand I'm just a girl

I'm vulnerable to all the pain

[lucifersfavhoe]

Am i the only person often afraid to sleep?

Its like my bed is a coffin and im alone in my dreams. My confidence whispers, but my insecurities scream

Im constantly weary and ready to just let go and sink. If id smile more often would you know that its me? I even talked to god in my depression, "are you noticing me?" But hes holy ghosting me

My vocal cords get tired when the devil pulls on this noose..

Im just a misfit with slit wrists that are supposed to bleed. I get cold when lucifer gets close to me.

I can smell the insecurities-Potpourri, wake up swinging, thinking its choking me, like please let go of me..

I was never made for me, but somehow, at some point i was made to believe, that im never gonna be what anyone wants or needs me to be, never enough.

I look back and its my past that i hate, ive been trashed and disgraced, trapped by mistakes, bashed and misplaced

Insecurities have me trapped with chains but im attacking this cage

The mirror, broken, is all that i see, not the glass that shatters, hurting me..

[lucifersfavhoe]

And what if you wake up one day and im not what you want anymore?

[lucifersfavhoe]

"How tf u wanna bloom and shine if you cut yourself? Be a pretty sunflower."

-a cut sunflower is pretty too

[lucifersfavhoe]

Just a tease

[lucifersfavhoe]

Got a glimpse of the world in the palm of my hand

[lucifersfavhoe]

[lucifersfavhoe]

Dear selfharm

You and i have a love and hate relationship.. i dont hate you but you leave ugly scars on my skin.. i dont hate you because you let me feel.. i dont hate you because in the end of the day youre here when no one else is... but to be honest, i do hate you. Summerdresses, relationships, swimming.. all of those things i had to give up because of you. I hate you, because on my good days i look at my scars and i get mad at myself. I hate you because every time i go to the hospital, every nurse stares at my scars, asking "why would you do this?" And i have no valid explanation, cause how could i put my entire life in one single sentence?.. i hate you because you bring me joy. I hate you because sometimes the only bright thing at 3 AM was my blade. I hate you because you are my weakness. I hate you because i know, no one will ever love us both.. i hate you because you are comforting, like a blanket that keeps me warm another day.. I hate you because i wanna say im done with you but when i stumble, you catch me, like a mothers touch, reminding me that everything will be okay.. But it isnt. Isnt it? Yes, in the moment i bleed, i feel alive.. but few weeks later its just another scar i take to my grave.. But i dont really hate you because you and me are one and the same.. i dont hate you because i took apart all of these razors.. i dont hate you because i used cut so deep to see if i could die.. i dont hate you because you truly helped me in a fucked up way.. you helped me control my emotions, you helped me, you helped me to shut down the voices in my head.. i dont hate you because you torn me down but brought me right back up..

And maybe one day, i will throw out these razors for good.. maybe one day i will look at my scars and smile for the battles i fought.. maybe one day, i will smile and show them to the world because they will be a reminder that i beat the monsters in my head.. That day might not be today.. but it is, someday.

[lucifersfavhoe]

Memory

When did you change your name to memory? Why do i think that name suits u better than anything i had ever called you? Including 'bestfriend'... you moved on, i moved on but disclaimer.. i dont miss you. I dont even know you. I was friends with what you were. I miss who you were before this change, i miss who you were before memory became your name.. no i dont miss everything about you, i miss everything about who you were.. and i dont miss whatever you have become, i miss the "before", who is this "after"? And what you were is still something that exists in my mind, what you were to me back then, i still crave all the time..

Dont tell the younger me that her bestfriend is only available for a limited amount of time, dont tell her that i buried you in my past, letting your funeral be your final goodbye..

What you were to me no longer exists, doesnt matter how much i try to deny, that you and i are nothing else than strangers to each other.. ive never met the you of today.. the boy on instagram doesnt even look the same, the boy on instagram probably doesnt remember hearing me say "let me ask if we can hangout.." or if we can meet each other halfway.. well 'halfway' was just a catchphrase we both said too much..

I wont deny to anyone.. you were my bestfriend.. but i can also teach something to everyone cuz you were also my lesson on how fast the friendship sinks and how the "best" in bff isnt always as good as you think and how "forever" is just an overstatement and not as long as it should be..you let the hands of your pain clutch you, you let it choke and corrupt you, i think i was wiser when it came to us but that wisdom has been drained, lost the battle to my own pain..

Was i your army? Did i make the hurt weigh less? And is that, now that you're gone why i try so hard to make myself weight less? Why are you a lightbulb that went out, why youre done? What happened to my friend that once resembeled the sun?

Because we forgot to meet each other "halfway", we both turned around and started walking the other way and i wont look back cuz i know you wouldnt do the same..

So when did you change your name to memory? And why is memory still a friend of mine? And why is he a better friend to me that you ever were? And why am i okay with your replacement being 'him'?

[lucifersfavhoe]

I'm sick of this open house

My friends are not my pals

They all swarm in and out

And I just wanna be alone

'Cause death sits on my mind

A fraction of the time

They say that love is blind

But I don't think they really know

[lucifersfavhoe]

Wanna die

Leave my pain behind me where it stares at me

I hear the whispers from my walls

And they try to encourage me

To take my life, run away

But I know that they scared of me

Cyanide touch to my lips, I pull my trigger casually

[lucifersfavhoe]

Hear the screams inside my head

Yell at me, make me feel dead

Seem to find myself misread

With no sight of what’s ahead

Thoughts are hanging on a thread

Eyes spilling, pouring out dread

Brain is gone, it’s been ferment

I have no clue how shapes are bent

[lucifersfavhoe]

My heart's been aching, slowly breaking, be here waiting, lonely fading

[lucifersfavhoe]

It comes in waves, tonight im drowning

[lucifersfavhoe]

SoS

Yeah, the voices in my head take control over me

And sometimes it gets hard cause I get no sleep

I might stumble & fall, but I ain't no sheep

Watch the stars fall down & just crash in my bed

Got a glimpse of the world in the palm of my hand

When I touch you, I bury the thoughts in the sand

Im still lost and existing, kush still makes me feel different, i call your name so persistent, but youre not here, youre so distant..

Im worried bout the probability of all my fears coming true and inside me lies a monster built behind my point of view

Cant escape it when the hate builds up inside

But my boy's an angel, he tellin me he ride or die, why my eyes headin south when i think about those eyes? Does he lay em on another or is it just in my mind?

Can i live one fuckin second without this fear in my life?

Why is everything irrational with me?

I got scars in my heart from where my ex used to be

If i set my brain on autopilot, does it start to bleed?

[lucifersfavhoe]

Guess i lost her in the process