lucky-05

[lucky-05]

just posted some older works i had not had the balls to post back when i wrote them and it kinda feels weird. im not the person that wrote them anymore. i don’t think like this anymore and the people i wrote about went from seeing them daily to the occasional “take care of yourself”.

i do however wish that i still wrote like this. i wish i wrote at all. lately i have been burying myself in books and covering the inability to write with reading, convincing myself that the art of imitation is all this is about. i don’t know if thats entirely true

[lucky-05]

i’ll let you i’ll let you i’ll let you mold me into whatever you want

because i’d rather have that than only being able to haunt

whatever remains of this when the sun sets and the summer is over

i’ll let you do whatever you want just to feel the thrill, to be able to cover

my loneliness with alcohol, friends and not going home until it’s too late,

night train rides that represented only the interim of our escape

i’d never admit it to you, no, but the summer i met you still holds the best summer title,

even if everything that happened was predictable and is irreparable,

even if it hurt, not being able to confide in one another but it’s not like we bothered,

we never tried to stay in touch, but it was fun, just for a night, to imagine nothing has changed

to imagine that we’re still two years ago, spending every day, basking in the sun,

and then going away from them, even though it was clear that all we did was run,

but it was fun, running with you that summer, hearing you endlessly talk about tanks,

about how life is not just about stupid ranks,

about how you broke your legs skating with so much passion that i wanted to sow my mouth shut and listen to you for the rest of my life and i probably would have if people where kinder and things evolved in a different way and no matter how much i wanted to lie to myself that things will never change, we’ll always be friends and i’ll always listen to you ramble about stupid things and kiss you on stupid night train rides, things did change and we did move on from the kids we were two years ago but i wish we didn’t, i wish the summer never ended and i wish i could meet you again just so i could feel the way i felt that summer again. this is the first and last time i’ll ever write about you.

[lucky-05]

and perhaps, underneath all of this pain of mine,

somewhere far, hidden in between frazzled specks of time,

lay our most prized memories, the only ones i still get glimpses of, down the line,

painfully encripted in my mind, as to never get away,

a cowardly measure to ensure i never forget, who we were, back in the day,

the sound of your laugh and your uneven haircut we enough to keep me at bay.

you rest between my shoulder blades and have been since i met you, since forever,

never quite running away, but not here alltogether,

fiery red hair and azure eyes, how i wish we stayed together, following the same pattern,

please, please, please, won’t you save me a spot on the dim and distant rings of saturn?

[lucky-05]

and that’s what letting go is all about

not wishing you were here, let alone shout

all i ever felt for you, when we were young

or how i miss your mouth or your tongue

i’ll think of you when the sun sets

and i’ll dream of you and your bets

but i won’t search for what’s not there anymore

how i always used to when i was near a shore

i’ll miss your white hair and how you talked

and remember everyday the path we walked

but your time is up and i already said goodbye

to the angel i once used to call mine

[lucky-05]

flies have been haunting the house

as i watched their love crumble

and now i cant find a single blouse of yours,

since when were you so humble?

[lucky-05]

"i wish i did more, maybe there's something i can still do,

why didn't you all turn up the way i wanted you to?"

cause people are bound to disappoint

i did all i could up to a certain point

i'm sorry it keeps you hostage, my insecurity

i'm trying my best to figure out who i want to be

i, too, am afraid of not knowing what to do

but i'm sure i'll somehow get through

[lucky-05]

29th of june

to think that your existence in my head and our only interactions are limited to a simple happy birthday yearly, when we spent almost every day of the week together, suffering through the same amount of schoolwork and being part of the same stupid challenges we set out for each other and us as a whole, is disheartening for i used to know you and you knew me. we spent so many days in front of your residence building playing stupid games kids used to play because i was not allowed to have a phone and you probably weren’t either and i still remember the everlasting cigarette smell in your kitchen and your apartment layout and the memory that your half bald dad used to help you with your math homework and how you treated your mom even though she used to do your arts class’ homework and how i wished i could ask my mom to do it too, but i knew she wouldn’t and how i envied you for the fact that i could never surpass you academically, no, never, you always being the one who came up with new methods to solve a problem and i still remember how insecure i was because you had other friends beside me, friends who lied to you and you didn’t believe me when i said they did, but i think deep down you knew, you knew, you knew they were lying and maybe you just didn’t want to only have me as a friend. i still remember school events and going to pizza before and after the start and end of every school year and how i told you i don’t like blondes but i will always love you. i still remember all these things and every year on your birthday i don’t know what to do with them, what do i do with the ghost of you and all the things we used to do and your favorite artists and your handwriting and the birthday card you gave me when we were 13 and now lays stacked, compressed and pressed among other birthday cards? what do i do with all of these things? where do i put them?

[lucky-05]

obsessed with whatever distracts me from the horrors of being alive

[lucky-05]

oh my god im going fucking crazy *continues to live exactly the same*

[lucky-05]

i need something new to be obsessed with or i wll lose my shit

[lucky-05]

[lucky-05]

i love that post thats like “never trust how you feel about your life after 9pm” that shit changed my life. every time i feel bad i look at the clock and i’m like Aha It’s 10:26 PM You Cannot Fucking Fool Me

[lucky-05]

[lucky-05]

*writing in my diary using a glitter gel pen* I'm losing my sense of humanity

[lucky-05]

while you were sleeping

in a field full of roses

my lipstick still bleeds

i don't need any closure

i just need you to be here

and i'll wait years for you

like a lonely cat on my doorstep

i'll wait for the sky to turn blue

just so i can be with you again

[lucky-05]

[lucky-05]

i think i need to go out into the middle of nowhere and scream and break some glass or something.... catharsis through fiction is simply not cutting it any more